I was a daily smoker for 16 years (all my adult life). Today Ive been clean and sober for 1 year. This is a miracle, for I was hopelessly addicted to Marijuana. The thought of living life without it was terrifying. I could see though, that I wasnt living any sort of life with it. I hadnt been out on a weekend, just to go out, for years. Id lost countless jobs because of my poor attendance and couldnt financially support myself. I hadnt had a girlfriend (or sex) in years. My friends had moved on with their lives and had settled down and were having kids, whilst I was still doing the same thing I did every day. The days, the months, the years all rolled into one. It was always the same.
Towards the end of my using, when I was suicidal, I would say to myself Im not going to smoke this morning, Im going to do something with my life today and as soon as Id done that a little voice in my head would say Well done Matt thats great, were going to do it today, lets do something, yeah. Why dont you just have a little one now to get the day going? Before I knew it I was wrapping a joint and lighting it up. Ahhh thats nice. Then 5 minutes later it would hit me. What had I done? Damn Ive done it again. Game over. Then Id sit in the same place all day, smoking, drifting in and out of consciousness. Id get up the next day and do the same thing, and Id repeat this pattern day after day, month after month. I wasnt using Marijuana anymore. It felt like it was using me.
I had no idea that there was help available for my problem and I was just waiting for the bitter end. I hated the way this world worked and was eager to escape it.
Eventually, I sort help through my doctor and he referred me to a psychiatrist who suggested I do a 28 day program. I was introduced to 12 step meetings through this treatment program and got a bit of hope that things could get better for me. I could see that these steps were working for other people who had similar experiences to me. Why not I.
Someone guaranteed me that I never had to use drugs again, provided I did what was suggested. I was so desperate not to go back to where Id been that I would have done whatever hed asked of me and I took the word suggestion to mean command. This man guided me through the 12 steps and I am eternally grateful to him.
Things were tough at first, but got much better very quickly. Sure life has its ups and downs; Ive recently lost my grandfather and Ive just recovered from swine flu. But I can honestly say that 99% of the time I feel pretty much bulletproof. The worries of life do not have the same impact as they once did. Im no longer paralysed by fear. Im no longer dogged by voices in my head telling me to use drugs or just telling me plain crazy things. Ive been restored to sanity and today I am a recovered addict.
I also help other addicts to recover as I have, and am always happy to help. If you would like to chat you can obviously reply to this thread or if you would like to chat in private you can email me on MattB12step@hotmail.co.uk
All the best,
MattB
Well done Matt, your story is an inspiration. You must feel great and what a lovely thing to do to offer yr email to pass on the good work!!
Hope things continue well for you xxx
Hope things continue well for you xxx
Hi matt, as the above post said- your story is inspiring. Congratulations. I have had a weed problem for many years as well and there are definitely certain similarities between your story and mine. It'd be great to talk about it. I have been sober for 5 months and i feel great i go running most mornings, walk my dog and am much busier in general (that might not sound like a lot but for me to do that before would have been impossible). Things still aren't perfect but compared to how my life was before the current situation is bliss! After reading your post and thinking about how my life has improved over the past 5 months i wonder what my life will be like when i reach the one year mark like you. Are things still changing for you or did you reach a certain point and just start to feel comfortable? (maybe comfortable isn't correct word but i'm hoping you might know what i mean).
Wishing you all the best for the future and Congrats again!
Wishing you all the best for the future and Congrats again!
Hi xo,
Well done for 5 months, that's great. Keep it going.
Things haven't stoped changing for me and hopefuly never will. I started to feel comfortable after a few months, probably around the time I had finished my steps 5,6 and 7. I learnt a lot about my self at that time and was shown a different way of living which made me much more confortable with myself, other people and the world we live in. The more i practice these principles in my life the more comfortable I feel.
MattB
Well done for 5 months, that's great. Keep it going.
Things haven't stoped changing for me and hopefuly never will. I started to feel comfortable after a few months, probably around the time I had finished my steps 5,6 and 7. I learnt a lot about my self at that time and was shown a different way of living which made me much more confortable with myself, other people and the world we live in. The more i practice these principles in my life the more comfortable I feel.
MattB
One year!! That is awesome. I have 2 months under belt of clean sobriety (off the alcohol a year). Thank you for posting on how the 12 steps helped you discover who you are and how to live. I am grateful everyday for those steps. Life is just so much better living through the steps. I say a 3rd step prayer every morning to turn my life and will over to the care of a higher power of my understanding whom I call God. I do a 10th step every night to make sure my side of the street is clean. Life is going to have it's ups and downs we can't afford it but now I can live life on life's' terms without any mild altering substances and life is good now:)
Congrats on your year!!
Congrats on your year!!
MattB, that is awesome. One whole year. U rock. You are a true inspiration to me also.
well done MattB, a question i have is about your sleeping patterns...were you ever dependent on marijuana to sleep and if so how did u overcome this or did it just slowly get better?
Hi Tom,
For years and years I told myself I couldn't sleep without a joint (even if I'd been smoking all evening) I had to have one in bed.
When I first stopped I found sleeping was really difficult and I would lay awake for hours with my head thinking about a hundred different things all at the same time. When I finally did fall asleep it would not be for long and I'd wake up several times in the night. In the morning I'd be laying in a pool of sweat. Not very nice.
But it did get better. After a few weeks I was able to go to bed and sleep fairly normally. The strangest thing about this was the dreams. I couldnt remember having a dream for years and when it first happened it was like a whole new experience. Some times the dreams were not so nice and I had plenty of using dreams, but other times it was a really nice experience.
Today Im normally out like a light as soon as my head touches the pillow. :-)
For years and years I told myself I couldn't sleep without a joint (even if I'd been smoking all evening) I had to have one in bed.
When I first stopped I found sleeping was really difficult and I would lay awake for hours with my head thinking about a hundred different things all at the same time. When I finally did fall asleep it would not be for long and I'd wake up several times in the night. In the morning I'd be laying in a pool of sweat. Not very nice.
But it did get better. After a few weeks I was able to go to bed and sleep fairly normally. The strangest thing about this was the dreams. I couldnt remember having a dream for years and when it first happened it was like a whole new experience. Some times the dreams were not so nice and I had plenty of using dreams, but other times it was a really nice experience.
Today Im normally out like a light as soon as my head touches the pillow. :-)
Hi MattB,
How are you doing.
I too had incredible dreams when I first stopped smoking pot almost 8 months ago and I still have them and like you, some are not very nice. I don't remember ever having dreams when I used to smoke pot every day. The first couple of days or weeks that I quit smoking pot, I couldn't sleep , had terrible headaches and hot and cold flashes. Things are getting better now except for the fact that I still have awful dreams. This weekend I dreamt i was stucked in a city hundred of miles from where I live and I just couldn't get back home. The next night I dreamt I had a rash all over the front of my body and then on my back I had these pieces of stick sticking out with a piece of red skin at the end of them that would rotate, and rotate and rotate. It was just awful! Can't for these dreams to stop!
Have a nice day and keep posting.
How are you doing.
I too had incredible dreams when I first stopped smoking pot almost 8 months ago and I still have them and like you, some are not very nice. I don't remember ever having dreams when I used to smoke pot every day. The first couple of days or weeks that I quit smoking pot, I couldn't sleep , had terrible headaches and hot and cold flashes. Things are getting better now except for the fact that I still have awful dreams. This weekend I dreamt i was stucked in a city hundred of miles from where I live and I just couldn't get back home. The next night I dreamt I had a rash all over the front of my body and then on my back I had these pieces of stick sticking out with a piece of red skin at the end of them that would rotate, and rotate and rotate. It was just awful! Can't for these dreams to stop!
Have a nice day and keep posting.
Hi Fleur,
Im good thanks, how about you?
I was sorry to hear about your dog.
Your nightmares dont sound very nice, but they are just dreams, theyre not reality. I think dreams are a good indication of where your head is at though. If Im feeling frantic then my dreams are usually not nice. If Im feeling calm and have a clear head then my dreams are normally pleasant.
Why dont you try reviewing your day and meditating before you go to bed. I find that if I do that I normally go to bed feeling calm.
Whats news for you?
MattB
Im good thanks, how about you?
I was sorry to hear about your dog.
Your nightmares dont sound very nice, but they are just dreams, theyre not reality. I think dreams are a good indication of where your head is at though. If Im feeling frantic then my dreams are usually not nice. If Im feeling calm and have a clear head then my dreams are normally pleasant.
Why dont you try reviewing your day and meditating before you go to bed. I find that if I do that I normally go to bed feeling calm.
Whats news for you?
MattB
not as cool but i bought pot off an 11 year old when I was in high school. This dealer was out of town and has his little bro sell his stash, and he used to ride around on his razor scooter to deliver to people.
Hi MattB,
Nice to hear from you.
The thing is..I never used to dream when I was smoking pot everyday. Now that I haven't touched the stuff in 8 months, I always have these stupid dreams.
I always meditate and pray before I go to sleep. I go to Yoga classes three times a week. I guess I'm having these dreams because my mind is clearing up now but eventually all of these nightmares will stop and I will be having beautiful dreams. I will though try your suggestion and look back on my day more carefully before I go to sleep.
Otherwise, I'm doing okay I guess. I miss my puppy terribly.
Looking forward to reading you again.
Ciao
Nice to hear from you.
The thing is..I never used to dream when I was smoking pot everyday. Now that I haven't touched the stuff in 8 months, I always have these stupid dreams.
I always meditate and pray before I go to sleep. I go to Yoga classes three times a week. I guess I'm having these dreams because my mind is clearing up now but eventually all of these nightmares will stop and I will be having beautiful dreams. I will though try your suggestion and look back on my day more carefully before I go to sleep.
Otherwise, I'm doing okay I guess. I miss my puppy terribly.
Looking forward to reading you again.
Ciao
