I've never been much of a socialite - grew up in a repressive Christian household with a domineering (and depressed) mother and an emotionally detached father. I'm the baby of a large family, yet I never felt a close bond with virtually any of my siblings. Life for me was within the confines of my home, and friends were accumulated passively; but truly, I've been an addict for as long as I can remember. High stimulation video games took precedence over human relationships for me, then it was internet, then it was porn, then it was weed, and eventually every other drug under the Sun - all methods of escaping my incapacity to function within social settings with any degree of confidence. Coming from a wealthy household didn't help either, and neither did the prescription that my corrupt psychiatrist has been dosing me for years on (Adderall/Xanax - legal speedballing, in high doses, sure why not) which allowed for a supply of cash to feed my drug addiction without ever having to consider a legitimate occupation or worry about all the things in life that I haven't been accomplishing or addressing. I had my share of drugs, and had a degree of confidence in my ability to handle anything; so, f*** it, right? Heroin can't be so bad, I'll give it a shot. Luckily for me this only amounted to smoking it, needles scared the f*** out of me. At my height I would dose maybe 2-3 times in a week, sometimes mixing with benzos/alcohol to heighten the effects. It was nice to actually experience some satisfaction in life for once, but at a magnificent cost. Whereas before the weed just kept me distracted (albeit still functioning), the heroin just sucked all drive and emotion out of me. It's been sometime over a month now, and I still feel wholly weakened by that god damn drug. 6 months of sleeping, dosing, and staring at the wall. I used to consider myself pretty intelligent and could verbalize and learn things quite rapidly, but thanks to that huge gap of life that heroin took away from me, now it's as though I'm a trudging zombie trying to sustain myself throughout the day, sleeping at every opportunity I can find and developing absurd excuses for myself to rationalize not doing anything. At the very least, I will credit heroin with showing me the true nature of addiction that I was so blind to before - how my whole history has been dominated by fruitless activities that served only to distract me from reality. So, now I'm left in a state of paranoia and fear, with no understanding of what it's like to actually enter the social arena and attempt to communicate with people by creating an actual "personality" for myself instead of just enticing drug abusers with their suicide of choice. Seeking help from the therapist didn't work, interpersonal relations groups are off the mark, so it's time for me to actually hone up to my evils and seek some real guidance through a sponsor/group that understands my sympathies. Best of luck to all on the mission to recovery - I couldn't tell you why, but there's apparently a world out there that's worth living that offers a lot more room for experience and pleasant memories than a dirty chemical could ever offer you. Drugs are bad, mm'kay.
First of all..congrats on a month clean. That's HUGE.
Second..after reading to the bottom of your post, I see where you've answered your own question. Does this mean NA and getting a sponsor? Because it seems, that would be the best course of action for you. Yes, we know what you've been through, what you are going through now and what you can expect if you stay clean. NA will also teach you how it's possible to live life on life's terms again.
Welcome to the board. I hope you stick around. You have alot to offer.
Second..after reading to the bottom of your post, I see where you've answered your own question. Does this mean NA and getting a sponsor? Because it seems, that would be the best course of action for you. Yes, we know what you've been through, what you are going through now and what you can expect if you stay clean. NA will also teach you how it's possible to live life on life's terms again.
Welcome to the board. I hope you stick around. You have alot to offer.
