My son has been an addict and alcoholic for the past 10+ years. Been to several rehabs. Now 27 yrs old. He was clean for 4 years held down a job etc. then fell apart. He was still drinking during those 4 years though. Somebody at work offered him something and life has been hell every since. He and his wife, their daughter and her 2 kids from previous marriage moved across the U.S., stayed about 7 months there. Begged me to send them money for them to come back here. I did. I am now supporting all 5 of them! He drinks then yesterday he said a friend gave him some Oxycodin and now he is hooked in that. Don't know what to do. I am fed up. I am upset, I am being destroyed mentally and physically. If I throw him out, he has no money and no place to go. I've asked him to go to get help, he doesn't. Says he wants help, I believe him but I don't know how I can help him if he doesn't do anything to help himself.
You are right when you say "I can't help him if he won't help himself." So many addicts keep messing up because the family keeps bailing them out, and they have no incentive to get help. They know that no matter what they do, someone will come and rescue them.
Your son is placing the support of his wife and kids on you, which is wrong. You care about the welfare of the kids, but the other two are grown adults. What is up with the wife? Is she unable to apply for welfare/food stamps to support the kids? Is she sticking by him even though he is irresponsible? Is she unable to work? Or, are they both sitting back and letting you support the whole family? I am sure this is a financial burden to you.
Perhaps the key is to tell the wife that you can no longer afford to float their lifestyle. Give her a timeline of what you expect her to do to get herself independent. If she sits back and does nothing, then set a time limit for her and the kids to find another place to stay. If you don't set some limits, this is going to go on and on. She needs to seek help from her own family and not just rely on you.
As far as your son, kicking him out may send the message that you are setting a firm boundary about his irresponsibility. You don't mind helping someone who is temporarily in a bind, but supporting an addict who refuses to get it together is counter-productive.
Expect some blow-back from them if you decide to place limits on what you will do for them. I'm sure they will guilt-trip you and make you feel pity for them. She needs to figure out if he is someone who will be good for her in the long-run. Rescuing keeps everyone sick.
Keep posting. There are many here who struggle with the same issues.
Your son is placing the support of his wife and kids on you, which is wrong. You care about the welfare of the kids, but the other two are grown adults. What is up with the wife? Is she unable to apply for welfare/food stamps to support the kids? Is she sticking by him even though he is irresponsible? Is she unable to work? Or, are they both sitting back and letting you support the whole family? I am sure this is a financial burden to you.
Perhaps the key is to tell the wife that you can no longer afford to float their lifestyle. Give her a timeline of what you expect her to do to get herself independent. If she sits back and does nothing, then set a time limit for her and the kids to find another place to stay. If you don't set some limits, this is going to go on and on. She needs to seek help from her own family and not just rely on you.
As far as your son, kicking him out may send the message that you are setting a firm boundary about his irresponsibility. You don't mind helping someone who is temporarily in a bind, but supporting an addict who refuses to get it together is counter-productive.
Expect some blow-back from them if you decide to place limits on what you will do for them. I'm sure they will guilt-trip you and make you feel pity for them. She needs to figure out if he is someone who will be good for her in the long-run. Rescuing keeps everyone sick.
Keep posting. There are many here who struggle with the same issues.
Thank you. I know what I have to do, I just keep thinking that he will change. Yesterday he called and went to the VA Hospital so hopefully this is a start. I had to kick him out of my house when he was 17, because it was so bad. Finally got him in to a rehab, then clean, then rehab, then clean for 4 years etc.
I hate to kick them out because of the kids. They didn't ask to be born in to this hell. I have gotten therapy for her son who has issues due to his past home life, (she was married previously to a drug addict). As far as her working, I have told her to find a job, she finds one then gets laid off (do not know why). When she is working it again puts the children's responsibility on me, I work full time trying to run our small business. But then I have to take and pick up the children and help them with their homework and work. She makes minimum wage when she works which so far in the 6 months that they have lived with me has only been a total of 4 weeks. As far as she goes, she is an unfit mother, and I assume always has been. She feeds herself but allows the kids to fend for themselves or me to fix something for them. She doesn't care if they have clean clothes or baths etc.
I have kept letting them stay with me because I don't know what to do. We live in a very expensive area of the country, my house and income is modest but, the area is expensive to find apartments for rent. I don't know what to do, I can't let the kids live on the streets.
I do know that it is what I need to do if things don't change, but today he is in a hospital until they can find a rehab for him---of course he can leave there at any time and I have told him that if he doesn't get help this time, then I will have to kick them all out. It's hard.
I hate to kick them out because of the kids. They didn't ask to be born in to this hell. I have gotten therapy for her son who has issues due to his past home life, (she was married previously to a drug addict). As far as her working, I have told her to find a job, she finds one then gets laid off (do not know why). When she is working it again puts the children's responsibility on me, I work full time trying to run our small business. But then I have to take and pick up the children and help them with their homework and work. She makes minimum wage when she works which so far in the 6 months that they have lived with me has only been a total of 4 weeks. As far as she goes, she is an unfit mother, and I assume always has been. She feeds herself but allows the kids to fend for themselves or me to fix something for them. She doesn't care if they have clean clothes or baths etc.
I have kept letting them stay with me because I don't know what to do. We live in a very expensive area of the country, my house and income is modest but, the area is expensive to find apartments for rent. I don't know what to do, I can't let the kids live on the streets.
I do know that it is what I need to do if things don't change, but today he is in a hospital until they can find a rehab for him---of course he can leave there at any time and I have told him that if he doesn't get help this time, then I will have to kick them all out. It's hard.
I forgot to mention that he is a disabled veteran. His drug abuse was prior to this, then he got clean and joined the Army. In the Army started using and drinking again. He has PTSD. A lot of mental issues. I don't want him to die. The VA never follows up with him or makes follow up appointments for him. And he never follows up by calling them to schedule appts. either
Does he attend meetings, AA and NA meetings? Has he decided to change?
Would he follow a program of recovery if it was offered to him (FREE !!) ?
Recovery (for me and millions of others) is very well described in AA's HOW IT WORKS:
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10..._howitworks.pdf
"If he wants what we have then he is ready to take certain steps" ...... in not, he won't get it.
HOW IT WORKS is the solution to the problem. We all spend(t) all our time in the problem in the past.
I hope he reads the HOW IT WORKS link and a light comes on.
I suggest that you look up Al-Anon on-line or in the phone book and call them. They will help YOU.
All the bet.
Bob R
Would he follow a program of recovery if it was offered to him (FREE !!) ?
Recovery (for me and millions of others) is very well described in AA's HOW IT WORKS:
http://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/p-10..._howitworks.pdf
"If he wants what we have then he is ready to take certain steps" ...... in not, he won't get it.
HOW IT WORKS is the solution to the problem. We all spend(t) all our time in the problem in the past.
I hope he reads the HOW IT WORKS link and a light comes on.
I suggest that you look up Al-Anon on-line or in the phone book and call them. They will help YOU.
All the bet.
Bob R
