Concerned Fiance

Hi All,
Have never user a chat line or a message board before but have gotten to the stage where I have no other options left.

I've been in a relationship with my fiance for a while now, Never been happier with a guy since I've started dating. However about 7-8 months ago i found out that he's previously been addicted to cannabis and also been a heavy user of other more serious drugs. He promised me that he had stopped because he realized that there was no point in it anymore and that he didn't want it affecting our relationship.

About 4-5 months ago i found out that he has Began smoking spliff and bongs again behind my back, he told me he was only going to do it once every couple of weeks, and I agreeed that it was his personal choice and that provided it never affected me or my relationship with him that I would be okay with it. A week later he started doing it more often and then after about 2 weeeks he'd smoke up to 7-8 bongs daily.

He's addicted now and smoking a couple of grams a week, it has affected the way he treats me. He's turned violent towards me(especially when he runs out of it) and is constantly going days or weeks without speakign to me, returning my calls or msging me. I'm so scared of what's happenign to our rrelationship, he has abused me once already (was very high and had run out of money and of weed). I love him so much but don't know how to help him. I'm worried that if he doesn't get help soon with his addiction then he'll become more agressive and the abuse will become more frequent.

The past month, his little mood swings have turned to depression and we don't talk anymore, i've only seen him not stoned once and he was so agressive towards me and so apathetic we spilt for a while.

I'm only 23 and dont believe that i deserve to put up with this abuse, but I love him and don't want to just abandom him. I've read up about the drug (i've only taken it a few times myself and don't like it) and can't find any information that might help. If anyone has any advice, please, please help me.
uni girl, please take some time to read the posts on this Families/Partners board.

I don't know anything about the drug you mention, but i am sure it is obvious to you that your fiance' is addicted to substances, probably multiple substances and has been for some time.

Addiction is an illness, usually it is progressive (it gets worse and the activities associated with it gets worse over time so long as the person is using) and most addictions, if the individual continues to use, result in one of these conditions: severe incapicitation, jail or death 9not necessarily in that order). There is no cure.

Many people that live with or have a relationship with an addict also acquire a sickness, absent care, attention and awareness. Physical abuse often eventually occurs; children living in the household are adversely impacted and develop, in some cases, immediate problems, and in other cases, latent problems that come into full bloom in adulthood.

As the one who is closest to him, you have probably enabled his addiction in some way, by giving him aid and comfort.

The advice that you received on the other message board is sound and good advice.

If you must, see that he gets detoxed, if he will stand for it and agree to it with no promises made on your part. It is his illness, it is his disease. He must be responsible for it and for his recovery and accountable for what he does while he's using. He probably won't begin to get better until he loses everything, including you.

But we live in hope of a better day. And take the good days as they come, one day at a time.

If he wants it, treatment is available, and so long as there is breath in the person, there is a hope of recovery -- even long term recovery. Or a least the hope of lengthening the time period between bouts of use. Relapse is a common occurrence.

Going forward, act with your mind and brain and not with your heart. Without testing them, you heart and your feelings will get you in trouble with addicts. When they are using, their hearts, heads, feelings and thoughts are impaired and he will not be in a position to return to you the love that you show to him.