I am the mom of an addict, as many of you are. My son is 29. He started using pain meds after an injury in 2008. At that time, he was happily married, had a great job, new home and car. It got really bad before we knew it. For a couple of years, I really had no idea how bad it had gotten. In 2013, he had a son with his wife, left and divorced her when my grandson was 2 months old. In the time since he became addicted, he has had several od's. He's been in several detox programs and rehabs. In the last rehab he went to back in Sept. 2013, he met his fianc. I did not think this was a good idea...but they left there together. He has claimed to be clean for the last 3 years...and in that time, he and his fianc had a daughter, (my granddaughter) who died of SIDS on Christmas morning in 2014 at two months old. COMPLETE DEVASTATION!!! Then, in May of 2015...he and his fianc had been living in Florida, where they moved to "start over", and support each other after their terrible loss....his fianc was killed in a car accident. Complete DEVASTATION AGAIN!! Of course, I went to get him and bring him back to live with me, as I could not imagine letting him stay there with no one to help him through.
So he had been living with my husband and I up until August 15 of this year. I've offered and tried to get him grief counseling, but he says no one can help him. For over a year we allowed him to stay in our home. He did have a couple of jobs...but the first one was very low pay, and the second one he was fired from...I believe from not pulling his weight and calling out. We had let him move back in to help him, even though he had, in the past, been told he could not come back because of his drug use, etc... During the time he lived with us, we suspected at times, he was using. There was a time he came home from "going to see a friend" and called me from his car in the driveway to help him get into the house because he was so messed up!! We found marijuana in his car that night. He claims that is all he did. (and no, I don't condone it) But I have no clue HOW in the world he drove home. He could barely stand up, so I doubt that smoking pot was all he did. Another time, he was sitting at our kitchen table eating dinner and fell over into the floor passed completely out!!! I had to shake him for a few seconds to wake him up. He claimed he was "just exhausted"...but he was slurring after getting up and seeming very agitated with me! As he always does when he's using.
At the beginning of August, he told me he was moving to Florida. He had talked to his dad (we are divorced) and he was going to help him move down there to start over again because in his words, "he was going to end up killing himself if he had to stay here any longer". So, his dad helps him load up, takes him down to Florida where he paid for him to get into an apartment he could afford, with my son promising to get a job and taking care of himself from now on. It's November 3rd now...and he is about to be evicted for not paying rent. He hasn't gotten a job, he cannot even feed himself. We have sent him money and food. Claims he's been trying, but no luck. (same as when he was here) Thing is, he'll borrow money from my ex, and from me...won't tell you what he spent it on except "food, cigarettes and gas"...but he's been sent more than enough for those things. He always comes up a day or two later, needing more.
About a month ago he also claimed he was having awful headaches and got my ex to have an ambulance to come get him and take him to the emergency room. He was there for a couple of days with them running tests and such (he even let them do a spinal tap on him to supposedly see if there was something they could find that was neurological?) They said they didn't give him pain meds except for after that I guess, as my ex called and told them he was an addict. They ended up sending him home...but he went back a day later and claimed the same thing again. This time, they tried several things besides narcotics, and he said it wasn't working. Then they gave him Dilaudid...and of course, he said it worked...he was pain free! They then released him with no pain med scripts and the nurse told my ex that they suspected that's what he was after, and they made him leave.
I am so sorry that this is scattered and long...So many thoughts going through my head and I guess I am just looking to confirm what I have been suspecting all along. When you have your child telling you they are clean, and they are just tired and trying to deal with everything that has happened...you want to believe them!! He has been through a lot in the past couple of years.
This past Friday night I had my grandson, and my son had messaged me to see if I had him, and if he could call him and do a video chat. I said yes, and while he was on the video chat, he was slurring some, talking very slow as if being lethargic and he was pinching/grabbing at his nose like he used to do when he was definitely on pain meds. It pretty much confirmed it for me...at that time, but then I start doubting what I saw. I have decided not to send him any more money. I turned him down on Tuesday when he asked for 15-20 dollars to get some food and drink. I feel AWFUL!!! I FEEL ALONE!!! I am so scared to be wrong on thinking he IS using again...because that would mean he's trying to do something, and I am letting him be hungry...you know? This is the thing that goes through my mind. What if he is trying? But then I look at everything together and think that I KNOW he's using...and he's manipulating AGAIN!!
I know this was long and scattered...and I'm so sorry for that! Can someone help me? Am I crazy? I feel crazy most every day now. This is consuming me!!! Just need someone to talk to.
Please help!!! :(
Hi there,
I'm so sorry that you are going through what you are going through with your adult son. It sounds like he has had his share of heartbreak...
You have been attempting to help your son get resettled, etc. and are now wondering if all of your and your ex-husband's financial assistance has been going toward drugs. If you are looking for confirmation, you are probably correct - it has. It's hard to throttle back on trying to help, but it really isn't helping him if you are always there to rescue. He needs to figure this out in his own. I really think he is more resilient than you might think. I was the same way with my younger son. I always tried to "help" him but all it really does is make them dependent on you, or make you feel like your doing something to help, then it becomes a vicious circle. There are many people on this message board (parents/partners of addicts and recovering addicts) that are a wealth of knowledge and comfort. If you haven't yet done so, I would also encourage you to seek out some support groups such as near anon or al anon. Try more than one to find the best fit for you. Take care.
I'm so sorry that you are going through what you are going through with your adult son. It sounds like he has had his share of heartbreak...
You have been attempting to help your son get resettled, etc. and are now wondering if all of your and your ex-husband's financial assistance has been going toward drugs. If you are looking for confirmation, you are probably correct - it has. It's hard to throttle back on trying to help, but it really isn't helping him if you are always there to rescue. He needs to figure this out in his own. I really think he is more resilient than you might think. I was the same way with my younger son. I always tried to "help" him but all it really does is make them dependent on you, or make you feel like your doing something to help, then it becomes a vicious circle. There are many people on this message board (parents/partners of addicts and recovering addicts) that are a wealth of knowledge and comfort. If you haven't yet done so, I would also encourage you to seek out some support groups such as near anon or al anon. Try more than one to find the best fit for you. Take care.
Mom of K--
Glad you are here because this is one of the few places that can give you some answers and guidance. The group on this forum has walked the walk and can give you some help. It is so hard to be alone in this world of addiction and my friends never have had to deal with any of this. So I was alone and until I found this board, I had no idea who or where to turn to.
Here you will find straight answers and advice as well as compassion and family like friends. Some of the things they advised me weren't what I wanted to hear, but were oh so necessary!
My son is MIA for 5 months and we have totally detached with love from years of enabling him. He started at age 14 not going to school and getting in trouble. Several schools later we ended up sending him to military academy. The school authorities told us we were responsible for him, as he was under age and had to attend school by law. He did well in military school for about a year and then fell off the tracks and refused to go to class. We brought him home and he went to public school till he was 16 and then quit. He moved out and lived with friends in an apartment and everything went to hell after that. He got on pot and then who knows what else. He ended up stealing and was sent to prison for 2 years. He has led a drug addict's life since and after a lot of jobs,money, apartments, cars, clothes, counseling, rehabs, halfway houses, etc. he was living in a druggie's apartment. An old GF found him and moved him in with her. He appeared to be clean for the last 3-4 years with her, but now that I look back ,I am not so sure. I think he just hid it well! Well, they parted ways and he took all her stuff and sold it. All he had left was a truck we bought him, which he has probably lost to a title loan or sold. He was living in it with his two dogs last we knew. He is 45 yrs. old so you can see all the help we give them only delays or prohibits them from ever getting better.
They are the ONLY ones that can change their lives--not us parents. Your instincts tell you what is going on and despite his horrific losses --you need to let him go. There are many people with horrific things that have happened in their lives and they don't use drugs to get past those things. There are other outlets for grief and despair. You didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it!
Stay strong and focus on you and your grandson! Get your life back! Only you can change you --you can't fix him!
Come here often and know that we care and will help keep you strong!
(((HUGS))) Lori
Glad you are here because this is one of the few places that can give you some answers and guidance. The group on this forum has walked the walk and can give you some help. It is so hard to be alone in this world of addiction and my friends never have had to deal with any of this. So I was alone and until I found this board, I had no idea who or where to turn to.
Here you will find straight answers and advice as well as compassion and family like friends. Some of the things they advised me weren't what I wanted to hear, but were oh so necessary!
My son is MIA for 5 months and we have totally detached with love from years of enabling him. He started at age 14 not going to school and getting in trouble. Several schools later we ended up sending him to military academy. The school authorities told us we were responsible for him, as he was under age and had to attend school by law. He did well in military school for about a year and then fell off the tracks and refused to go to class. We brought him home and he went to public school till he was 16 and then quit. He moved out and lived with friends in an apartment and everything went to hell after that. He got on pot and then who knows what else. He ended up stealing and was sent to prison for 2 years. He has led a drug addict's life since and after a lot of jobs,money, apartments, cars, clothes, counseling, rehabs, halfway houses, etc. he was living in a druggie's apartment. An old GF found him and moved him in with her. He appeared to be clean for the last 3-4 years with her, but now that I look back ,I am not so sure. I think he just hid it well! Well, they parted ways and he took all her stuff and sold it. All he had left was a truck we bought him, which he has probably lost to a title loan or sold. He was living in it with his two dogs last we knew. He is 45 yrs. old so you can see all the help we give them only delays or prohibits them from ever getting better.
They are the ONLY ones that can change their lives--not us parents. Your instincts tell you what is going on and despite his horrific losses --you need to let him go. There are many people with horrific things that have happened in their lives and they don't use drugs to get past those things. There are other outlets for grief and despair. You didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it!
Stay strong and focus on you and your grandson! Get your life back! Only you can change you --you can't fix him!
Come here often and know that we care and will help keep you strong!
(((HUGS))) Lori
Thank you so much for your responses, and words of encouragement. Yes, I am basically looking for confirmation. But, I'm pretty sure I know within me that he is using. All the signs are there...I really can't deny it anymore. This is such a hard thing to deal with and some days I would just rather stay in the bed and not wake up. I am so sorry that you all are dealing with this too. It gives me comfort to know I can come here and talk to you guys, because you are dealing with the same thing...but I would not wish this pain and fear on anyone. I guess I am afraid to be wrong, because with the things that have happened in his life the past couple of years...I feel like sometimes, that it's an excuse for him, when it really should not be.
I am so worried to lose my son, but I know I have tried everything I know to do. There have been times, he would od and refuse to see me at the hospital and I was the one who had him taken by ambulance to the hospital. Also we cannot really "talk" anymore about his problems like we used to before his addiction...Nothing I say ever satisfies him, and my ideas are of no use to him, it seems. See, I am the one that gets the brunt of all his anger. I really don't understand this. I've always been there for him throughout his life. My kids are everything to me!! My husband tells me that he does it because in my son's mind... I will never leave him...he thinks I will always give in and he knows how to manipulate me because he knows how to work my heart strings. This is very hard to take...that my own son, who I was so close to once upon a time, could use me in that way.
Anyway...I am going to start going to meetings for support next week but the nearest one is pretty far away from where I live, so I am glad to have this outlet to come to.
Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart for your responses. I will try to encourage others here as well, as much as I can.
Wishing you all a peaceful day! - Y
I am so worried to lose my son, but I know I have tried everything I know to do. There have been times, he would od and refuse to see me at the hospital and I was the one who had him taken by ambulance to the hospital. Also we cannot really "talk" anymore about his problems like we used to before his addiction...Nothing I say ever satisfies him, and my ideas are of no use to him, it seems. See, I am the one that gets the brunt of all his anger. I really don't understand this. I've always been there for him throughout his life. My kids are everything to me!! My husband tells me that he does it because in my son's mind... I will never leave him...he thinks I will always give in and he knows how to manipulate me because he knows how to work my heart strings. This is very hard to take...that my own son, who I was so close to once upon a time, could use me in that way.
Anyway...I am going to start going to meetings for support next week but the nearest one is pretty far away from where I live, so I am glad to have this outlet to come to.
Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart for your responses. I will try to encourage others here as well, as much as I can.
Wishing you all a peaceful day! - Y
Sad Welcome, Mom of K. So glad that you found us & are not alone any more but so sad that you need us.
No. . .you are not crazy. You are hitting YOUR rock bottom. We have all been there and it sucks. I guess this feeling of losing control, feeling confused, being consumed by fear & worry, trying to fix "it" and then realizing we can't, feeling alone . . . is part of loving an addict. Sending huge hugs to you.
My girl moved to Florida, too. She went in March for rehab. After the 30 days inpatient, we knew we had to support her until she found a job and saved a few dollars. Like your boy, she found pieces of a job but left or got fired. Trying to support her new found sobriety, we continued to pay her rent, buy food & send an allowance. We sent the money on Fridays. At first, she could make it the whole week without asking for more money. Then, she needed extra money on Wednesdays. Then she started calling on Mondays & Wednesdays. She always had a "plausible" story. She knew better than to cuss me out or holler at me. But, she pushed the right buttons.
I found the following that is terrifyingly accurate. And it put a lot into perspective for me. I think it should be titled, "Things an Addict Won't Tell." It's long but worth the read. I hope that you find it helpful.
Be strong, Momma. Hang in there.
Sending prayers for you and your son & many hugs,
Lynn
This is written by Lorelie Rozzanno ...
*****I NEED To Get High ******
I am not your child, or spouse, or friend. Ive changed. I dont belong to you any more. I dont care about you. Not in the way you want me too. I care about getting high. I WANT to get high. I will do ANYTHING to get high. I LOVE getting high. I NEED to get high.. and I will step over you to do it. When I look at you, I dont see YOU. I see a means to an end. You have money. I want it. End of story. I dont care if you cant pay the rent. I dont care if you need groceries. I dont care if you promised you wouldnt give me money again. I dont care if you lie to Dad. I dont care if youre broke. Sell your rings, take a loan, sell your electronics, max out your credit cards, borrow the money from someone else, because if you dont, I will STEAL it. I WILL find a way to get HIGH. You think you can CHANGE me, or SAVE me. You are WRONG! Something cold and dead slithers within me. I no longer respond to love or truth. You can CRY all you want. I dont care. I have no integrity or values. My morals are a thing of the past. I will say anything, do anything, and hurt anyone, to get my next FIX.
Although I may play the game with you, make no mistake. I dont play it because I LOVE you, I play it because I want my DOPE. I will say what ever you want to hear, I will promise you the world, I will look you in the eyes, and I WILL break your heart. Over and over again. I dont have a heart any more. I have a HUNGER. Its calculating and manipulative, and it OWNS me.
In a strange way youre thankful for this hunger. For when I feel it coming on, I find you, quick! Then when Ive gotten what I want from you, I leave. Youre anxious without me. You offer to buy my food, or pay my rent. You always GIVE me something.
By now, youre NEED is almost as great as mine.
I cant stay SICK without you. You cant breathe without ME.
You think youre helping me. You believe youre making a difference, but what youre really helping is my ADDICTION.
I wont tell you this, but you know it, deep down.
If we keep going like this, one or both of us will die. Me from an overdose, that you paid for, and you from a heart attack, or stroke. Youll wait YEARS for me to change, or see the light, and I take full advantage of this. You keep my secrets and protect my lies. You clean up my messes and bail me out. You love me to the exclusion of EVERYONE else. You are bitter and resentful. You hide from your friends and isolate. You HATE. Your world revolves around one thing only ME.
But will your LOVE ever become greater than your FEAR? Would you be strong enough to reach out for help? Will you learn to say NO? Will you allow me to experience the consequences of my actions? Will you LOVE me enough to feel your own discomfort and stop enabling my addiction?
No. . .you are not crazy. You are hitting YOUR rock bottom. We have all been there and it sucks. I guess this feeling of losing control, feeling confused, being consumed by fear & worry, trying to fix "it" and then realizing we can't, feeling alone . . . is part of loving an addict. Sending huge hugs to you.
My girl moved to Florida, too. She went in March for rehab. After the 30 days inpatient, we knew we had to support her until she found a job and saved a few dollars. Like your boy, she found pieces of a job but left or got fired. Trying to support her new found sobriety, we continued to pay her rent, buy food & send an allowance. We sent the money on Fridays. At first, she could make it the whole week without asking for more money. Then, she needed extra money on Wednesdays. Then she started calling on Mondays & Wednesdays. She always had a "plausible" story. She knew better than to cuss me out or holler at me. But, she pushed the right buttons.
I found the following that is terrifyingly accurate. And it put a lot into perspective for me. I think it should be titled, "Things an Addict Won't Tell." It's long but worth the read. I hope that you find it helpful.
Be strong, Momma. Hang in there.
Sending prayers for you and your son & many hugs,
Lynn
This is written by Lorelie Rozzanno ...
*****I NEED To Get High ******
I am not your child, or spouse, or friend. Ive changed. I dont belong to you any more. I dont care about you. Not in the way you want me too. I care about getting high. I WANT to get high. I will do ANYTHING to get high. I LOVE getting high. I NEED to get high.. and I will step over you to do it. When I look at you, I dont see YOU. I see a means to an end. You have money. I want it. End of story. I dont care if you cant pay the rent. I dont care if you need groceries. I dont care if you promised you wouldnt give me money again. I dont care if you lie to Dad. I dont care if youre broke. Sell your rings, take a loan, sell your electronics, max out your credit cards, borrow the money from someone else, because if you dont, I will STEAL it. I WILL find a way to get HIGH. You think you can CHANGE me, or SAVE me. You are WRONG! Something cold and dead slithers within me. I no longer respond to love or truth. You can CRY all you want. I dont care. I have no integrity or values. My morals are a thing of the past. I will say anything, do anything, and hurt anyone, to get my next FIX.
Although I may play the game with you, make no mistake. I dont play it because I LOVE you, I play it because I want my DOPE. I will say what ever you want to hear, I will promise you the world, I will look you in the eyes, and I WILL break your heart. Over and over again. I dont have a heart any more. I have a HUNGER. Its calculating and manipulative, and it OWNS me.
In a strange way youre thankful for this hunger. For when I feel it coming on, I find you, quick! Then when Ive gotten what I want from you, I leave. Youre anxious without me. You offer to buy my food, or pay my rent. You always GIVE me something.
By now, youre NEED is almost as great as mine.
I cant stay SICK without you. You cant breathe without ME.
You think youre helping me. You believe youre making a difference, but what youre really helping is my ADDICTION.
I wont tell you this, but you know it, deep down.
If we keep going like this, one or both of us will die. Me from an overdose, that you paid for, and you from a heart attack, or stroke. Youll wait YEARS for me to change, or see the light, and I take full advantage of this. You keep my secrets and protect my lies. You clean up my messes and bail me out. You love me to the exclusion of EVERYONE else. You are bitter and resentful. You hide from your friends and isolate. You HATE. Your world revolves around one thing only ME.
But will your LOVE ever become greater than your FEAR? Would you be strong enough to reach out for help? Will you learn to say NO? Will you allow me to experience the consequences of my actions? Will you LOVE me enough to feel your own discomfort and stop enabling my addiction?
Thank you hurtingmom. I had looked around here for about a week before posting so I've seen some of your other posts and I just want to say that I am so very sorry for you loss. I have no words to take your pain, but I will pray for peace for you and your family. Huge ((((hugs)))) to you!!
Thank you for your post, it is so wonderful that you are still on here being an encouragement to others.
Reading this brings on those tears from my gut. The ones where I can't breathe. I know that IT IS THE TRUTH... I miss my son so much...and I WANT HIM BACK!! This is not fair and I AM SO ANGRY AT THIS DISEASE, THOSE PILLS THAT TOOK MY KID AWAY FROM ME!!! We are on the verge of him being kicked out of his apartment with no where to go, no money, a car with no insurance and him with no driver's license due to a DUI/Drug charge. I just pray I can make it through this without breaking and giving in somehow. I'm listening and learning.
Wishing you all a peaceful day.
Thank you for your post, it is so wonderful that you are still on here being an encouragement to others.
Reading this brings on those tears from my gut. The ones where I can't breathe. I know that IT IS THE TRUTH... I miss my son so much...and I WANT HIM BACK!! This is not fair and I AM SO ANGRY AT THIS DISEASE, THOSE PILLS THAT TOOK MY KID AWAY FROM ME!!! We are on the verge of him being kicked out of his apartment with no where to go, no money, a car with no insurance and him with no driver's license due to a DUI/Drug charge. I just pray I can make it through this without breaking and giving in somehow. I'm listening and learning.
Wishing you all a peaceful day.
I think he is using, by everything you described he is using and been using for some time . I have heroin addiction and trying my best to stay clean and I know for sure I am only one who can help me with this, nobody else can make me or help me if I dont want really really want to stop so until he feels this way you cant help him. Sending him money is no good cos as you probably suspect that money will go on drugs and anything else you send that can be sold will be sold and money spent on drugs. So sorry but us addicts can be heartless and very self centered.
When I came to recovery I came for someone else ....
and eventually stayed for ME. Most folks in AA/NA that I know are the same
I had ran out of "Bob power" and just wanted to die - but I had a wife and son.
I just kept coming to the meetings and the Program got me, I didn't get it.
All the best.
Bob R
and eventually stayed for ME. Most folks in AA/NA that I know are the same
I had ran out of "Bob power" and just wanted to die - but I had a wife and son.
I just kept coming to the meetings and the Program got me, I didn't get it.
All the best.
Bob R
ya know, bob.... at the beginning of the year when my son went into recovery, he said "I will do this for you, mom. Some day I might do this for myself, but now it's for you."
sounds like how you and others think at the beginning of recovery. It sounds like when someone is in the worst of addiction they are not thinking about whats good for themselves. I do believe my son did not care about himself. still probably doesnt. he still struggles emotionally with life.... I feel sad for him. he is not content and just does not see any good around him, and no reason to be happy. still hoping this turns around.
update - he is ok at his sister's. basically in a lock down or quarantine situation - knows no one, no where to go. I'd say the train is at the station. he is not in a situation to be pressured for anything - to work - or pay rent - etc... he is just bored - which is ok with us! Its only been 2 weeks. we dont know how long he will stay . weird how time goes by fast for somethings and slow for other things, at the same time.....
sounds like how you and others think at the beginning of recovery. It sounds like when someone is in the worst of addiction they are not thinking about whats good for themselves. I do believe my son did not care about himself. still probably doesnt. he still struggles emotionally with life.... I feel sad for him. he is not content and just does not see any good around him, and no reason to be happy. still hoping this turns around.
update - he is ok at his sister's. basically in a lock down or quarantine situation - knows no one, no where to go. I'd say the train is at the station. he is not in a situation to be pressured for anything - to work - or pay rent - etc... he is just bored - which is ok with us! Its only been 2 weeks. we dont know how long he will stay . weird how time goes by fast for somethings and slow for other things, at the same time.....
That is a great reading. And, so true. During my unwired time today, I actually said outloud that I do not want my kid in my life the way he is. He is being a jerk.
But, then, like people said on my recent post, I will see a photo or remember him when he was little. BUT, this is so true. They just FEED off of your pain and it is sick.
Ugh! So many emotions today. But, I am learning a lot.
But, then, like people said on my recent post, I will see a photo or remember him when he was little. BUT, this is so true. They just FEED off of your pain and it is sick.
Ugh! So many emotions today. But, I am learning a lot.
The story from the addict is spot on, the sooner we understand that, the better
mom of k, like so many others your son's story is similar to my son. my son has had numerous losses ( not as devasting as loosing a child and fiance) it is like some kind of sad karma that wont shake loose.
the situations are similar and when I see others say them, I can confirm that yes, my son was using when he told us that--- example --> "food, cigarettes and gas"...but he's been sent more than enough for those things. He always comes up a day or two later, needing more.
always needed $$ for food, cigs and gas... until he didnt have a car anymore, then it was just food and cigs.... I have asked for receipts, but they never materialize "oh, I'll take a pic later, etc, or receipts with old dates or the dates folded over.... lol ... then he is insulted when I say his picture of receipts is pathetic -- they dont even amount to the amount he spent. and he thinks I am playing a game... haa haa....
my youngest daughter never asks for food money - or gas money. she works about 15 hours a week and is at college and pays for her own food and gas.
Word of Warning -- if he is driving in FL without license or insurance he will have tickets up to his neck in no time.... no insurance is a big one - can be arrested - tickets are a BIG PITA in florida -- non appearance for missing court date bc you no longer can drive to the court house, equals a warrant.... the court dates drag on and on forever, of course they do for MY son....
but who knows what is said at court -- probably - can you pay this, No, OK come back in a month..... ugh....
the situations are similar and when I see others say them, I can confirm that yes, my son was using when he told us that--- example --> "food, cigarettes and gas"...but he's been sent more than enough for those things. He always comes up a day or two later, needing more.
always needed $$ for food, cigs and gas... until he didnt have a car anymore, then it was just food and cigs.... I have asked for receipts, but they never materialize "oh, I'll take a pic later, etc, or receipts with old dates or the dates folded over.... lol ... then he is insulted when I say his picture of receipts is pathetic -- they dont even amount to the amount he spent. and he thinks I am playing a game... haa haa....
my youngest daughter never asks for food money - or gas money. she works about 15 hours a week and is at college and pays for her own food and gas.
Word of Warning -- if he is driving in FL without license or insurance he will have tickets up to his neck in no time.... no insurance is a big one - can be arrested - tickets are a BIG PITA in florida -- non appearance for missing court date bc you no longer can drive to the court house, equals a warrant.... the court dates drag on and on forever, of course they do for MY son....
but who knows what is said at court -- probably - can you pay this, No, OK come back in a month..... ugh....
Mom of K --
I hate to say it but it sounds like your son is taking something. I dont think people usually get so tired they fall out of their chairs unconscious while sitting at the dinner table. People usually go to bed if they are that tired. I think that would be a dead giveaway unless he was physically sick. It does all sound very suspicious to me. It is easy for parents to explain things away and find reasons for everything because we dont want to accept the reality. We want to believe the best.
Maybe your son moved away so you wouldnt find out the truth or maybe he thought a new start would help him stop. My son keeps trying to run away from the problem but it just keeps following him around. Until he begins making better decisions, the problem will go with him wherever he goes. Giving a little bit of help always seems to turn into a lot of help. One day you start wondering where the money is going. They never seem to be able to get on their feet and you just keeping waiting for the miracle to happen. Then you realize there has to be an end to it.
It sounds like your son has had more than his share of sorrow, but he shouldnt use that as an excuse to use drugs. He needs to find a way to move on without the drugs. I know you feel bad for him but there is a fine line between helping and enabling. We all have to decide when enough is enough and when helping is not helping. Only you can decide when to quit.
I feel bad that you are in this situation. It can be very confusing and sad when you finally decide let go. We are all here for you.
Mary and Michelle - -
You are both so right! By the time our addicts want help, they have lost almost everything including the support of family and friends. It is so sad and I am afraid there are no good answers. We cant bring them home and start the cycle all over again! There are so many things that could go wrong with that plan. I sometimes wonder if my son changed his life today, if we could ever have a great relationship. I see him so differently now and there is so much to forgive and forget. I am actually afraid of him because of things he has done and civility might be all we can accomplish in the future. Having a normal family would be like a fairy tale and fairy tales are not reality. I cant even remember when or if our family was ever normal.
I hate to say it but it sounds like your son is taking something. I dont think people usually get so tired they fall out of their chairs unconscious while sitting at the dinner table. People usually go to bed if they are that tired. I think that would be a dead giveaway unless he was physically sick. It does all sound very suspicious to me. It is easy for parents to explain things away and find reasons for everything because we dont want to accept the reality. We want to believe the best.
Maybe your son moved away so you wouldnt find out the truth or maybe he thought a new start would help him stop. My son keeps trying to run away from the problem but it just keeps following him around. Until he begins making better decisions, the problem will go with him wherever he goes. Giving a little bit of help always seems to turn into a lot of help. One day you start wondering where the money is going. They never seem to be able to get on their feet and you just keeping waiting for the miracle to happen. Then you realize there has to be an end to it.
It sounds like your son has had more than his share of sorrow, but he shouldnt use that as an excuse to use drugs. He needs to find a way to move on without the drugs. I know you feel bad for him but there is a fine line between helping and enabling. We all have to decide when enough is enough and when helping is not helping. Only you can decide when to quit.
I feel bad that you are in this situation. It can be very confusing and sad when you finally decide let go. We are all here for you.
Mary and Michelle - -
You are both so right! By the time our addicts want help, they have lost almost everything including the support of family and friends. It is so sad and I am afraid there are no good answers. We cant bring them home and start the cycle all over again! There are so many things that could go wrong with that plan. I sometimes wonder if my son changed his life today, if we could ever have a great relationship. I see him so differently now and there is so much to forgive and forget. I am actually afraid of him because of things he has done and civility might be all we can accomplish in the future. Having a normal family would be like a fairy tale and fairy tales are not reality. I cant even remember when or if our family was ever normal.
yup,buggin, you said it all. (We) my son is looking at "round 3". first round - 2015 began w car accident and rehab, 2016 began w rehab, coming up on 2017.... no rehab, but he wants out of the addicted life.... and has been clean for a month.... but that has been said and done before...
if he comes home it is hard to be hopeful with out remembering the past. hard to trust. when we believed him and then learned his talk is half lies. Even if he believes it, and wants it, doesnt mean its going to happen..... the best thing for him is to decide HE wants to do better for himself and that it is not going to be a good situation to come home.... his dad can be a hard a** and son is not looking forward to confrontations..... i'm hoping he stays with relatives for a longer time... at least we are all getting a break. he is too.
if he comes home it is hard to be hopeful with out remembering the past. hard to trust. when we believed him and then learned his talk is half lies. Even if he believes it, and wants it, doesnt mean its going to happen..... the best thing for him is to decide HE wants to do better for himself and that it is not going to be a good situation to come home.... his dad can be a hard a** and son is not looking forward to confrontations..... i'm hoping he stays with relatives for a longer time... at least we are all getting a break. he is too.
Wow...as I sit here reading responses with tears running down my face, it just confirms that he is using, more and more. Thank you all for your responses and your support...Reading these, I was just dumbfounded at how similar your loved ones are to mine. The excuses...like the receipts the come up with or not, for the money we've given or the excuses for lack of receipts.
His dad is actually in Florida right now to see him, and he just thinks our son is lazy apparently. I just want to scream!! He says he is seeing no evidence of him using! Well....$:#!...he's not going to admit it!!!
My son's last day to be in his apartment is tomorrow...then he'll be in the street. Meaning...in his car that he has no insurance on...and he has a suspended license. And I am looking for him to be in jail soon because of this. And yes, I am scared!! I'm trying to deal with the fact that I will have to go on every day knowing my son is out there with nowhere to go. Even this next week when we will be going to family Thanksgiving dinners...I'll have to smile, and maybe even be ok for a minute...but then i'll have him in the back of my mind...wondering if he's ok and if he is eating while I have a plate of wonderful food...??? I will be silently crying in the inside trying to pretend I'm ok so I don't ruin the day! ..it's just so messed up. Sorry everyone...I do good some days...but right now, I'm just so scared! All I want is for him to be ok!!! :(
His dad is actually in Florida right now to see him, and he just thinks our son is lazy apparently. I just want to scream!! He says he is seeing no evidence of him using! Well....$:#!...he's not going to admit it!!!
My son's last day to be in his apartment is tomorrow...then he'll be in the street. Meaning...in his car that he has no insurance on...and he has a suspended license. And I am looking for him to be in jail soon because of this. And yes, I am scared!! I'm trying to deal with the fact that I will have to go on every day knowing my son is out there with nowhere to go. Even this next week when we will be going to family Thanksgiving dinners...I'll have to smile, and maybe even be ok for a minute...but then i'll have him in the back of my mind...wondering if he's ok and if he is eating while I have a plate of wonderful food...??? I will be silently crying in the inside trying to pretend I'm ok so I don't ruin the day! ..it's just so messed up. Sorry everyone...I do good some days...but right now, I'm just so scared! All I want is for him to be ok!!! :(
mom of K--
We all want for our addicted kids to be OK, but only they can achieve that. Nothing you do or say or have done in the past will make them be OK!
Only one you can help get OK is you. It is difficult, hard to fathom why us, hard to accept, and hard to go through, but it is the only way! If you ever want your life back or to give him a chance to get his life back--you need to let go!
Stop loving him to death as they say or you will be doing this till your dying breath and I know that isn't what any of us want.
You have been a good mom and you just tried what most moms would do-- to help! We are programmed to do that. But now it is time for K to help himself and he can't do that unless you step back and let go!
Praying for you for strength and peace during these difficult times--
(((HUGS))) Lori
We all want for our addicted kids to be OK, but only they can achieve that. Nothing you do or say or have done in the past will make them be OK!
Only one you can help get OK is you. It is difficult, hard to fathom why us, hard to accept, and hard to go through, but it is the only way! If you ever want your life back or to give him a chance to get his life back--you need to let go!
Stop loving him to death as they say or you will be doing this till your dying breath and I know that isn't what any of us want.
You have been a good mom and you just tried what most moms would do-- to help! We are programmed to do that. But now it is time for K to help himself and he can't do that unless you step back and let go!
Praying for you for strength and peace during these difficult times--
(((HUGS))) Lori
I know... you are right Lori. It's hard to hear, but I know that it's necessary. I have to let him go. I hope that all of us can deal with the holidays and find a little peace in them. I hate that this website is even necessary, but I'm thankful for it!
Thank you for your words of encouragement.
Wishing everyone a peaceful day! - Y
Thank you for your words of encouragement.
Wishing everyone a peaceful day! - Y
It is easy to second guess and you want to give them the benefit of the doubt. That is why I always fell into the enabling trap. Things they say make so much sense sometimes. Maybe they are just having trouble finding a job. Maybe they aren't using now. They sound fine. They might be really trying. Maybe they really do need the money for X or Y. Things could work out this time so I will just help once more.
The problem is when it happens over and over you begin to see a pattern. It is always just one more time. You begin to catch them in lies. What then? When do you stop? Do we keep believing even though our heart and brain says otherwise. When we decide to no longer enable we may be right or wrong and not know for sure what to do. We have to use our best judgement and listen to the little voices in our heads. We aren't perfect and can make mistakes but we are entitled to make our own decisions right or wrong based on what we feel or know to be fact. We have to do what is good for us and hope it helps them in the long run. We can't control what they do but I think helping a short while is different from consistent helping that is not helping anyone. There is a time to stop. You have to decide if this is your time. Do you think helping a bit longer will really help or will it just be draining the bank account?
The problem is when it happens over and over you begin to see a pattern. It is always just one more time. You begin to catch them in lies. What then? When do you stop? Do we keep believing even though our heart and brain says otherwise. When we decide to no longer enable we may be right or wrong and not know for sure what to do. We have to use our best judgement and listen to the little voices in our heads. We aren't perfect and can make mistakes but we are entitled to make our own decisions right or wrong based on what we feel or know to be fact. We have to do what is good for us and hope it helps them in the long run. We can't control what they do but I think helping a short while is different from consistent helping that is not helping anyone. There is a time to stop. You have to decide if this is your time. Do you think helping a bit longer will really help or will it just be draining the bank account?
Mom of K..so sorry you are going through this. As an addict in recovery, I have also hurt my family (parent, spouse, child), but recovery has given me the opportunity to repair those relationships and I hope that this will be in your future too! No one is ever a lost cause!
That said, There is a fine line to helping/enabling, but providing money for an able-bodied, almost thirty year old MAN for food, housing, cigarettes(which no one should be paying for..another deadly addiction, in my opinion!) is enabling.
Providing your son is of average intelligence, then he knows how to ask for help...social service agencies, unemployment , food pantries and shelters are available in virtually every community in this country. It is his responsibility, especially at nearly 30, to address his own needs.
During my active addiction, looking back now with a clear head, I can say without a doubt that every bit of "helping" my family did, (mostly financial, but other things too!) did one thing and one thing only.....it helped keep me sick!
Every time someone does something for us that we should be doing for ourselves (even if we ask..no, beg, you to do it), what that does is reafirm our belief that we are incapable of taking care of our own lives. It doesn't makes us feel cared for...it makes us feel weak, needy and pathetic.
As a mother myself now, I can't imagine your sorrow at watching this train wreck happen. But you do not have enough strength to stop a moving train!!! The only one who can stop a moving train is the one who is driving it...and that is your son, not you. Do NOT feel guilty for enjoying your holiday, or for your food or anything else. They are available to your son when he decides that he is ready for recovery! There are many paths to recovery. If he has tried things that haven't worked, encourage him to try something else..but do not do it for him!
I hope you are able to find some peace and hope in this horrible situation. Hold on to the hope that we can, and do, recover!
That said, There is a fine line to helping/enabling, but providing money for an able-bodied, almost thirty year old MAN for food, housing, cigarettes(which no one should be paying for..another deadly addiction, in my opinion!) is enabling.
Providing your son is of average intelligence, then he knows how to ask for help...social service agencies, unemployment , food pantries and shelters are available in virtually every community in this country. It is his responsibility, especially at nearly 30, to address his own needs.
During my active addiction, looking back now with a clear head, I can say without a doubt that every bit of "helping" my family did, (mostly financial, but other things too!) did one thing and one thing only.....it helped keep me sick!
Every time someone does something for us that we should be doing for ourselves (even if we ask..no, beg, you to do it), what that does is reafirm our belief that we are incapable of taking care of our own lives. It doesn't makes us feel cared for...it makes us feel weak, needy and pathetic.
As a mother myself now, I can't imagine your sorrow at watching this train wreck happen. But you do not have enough strength to stop a moving train!!! The only one who can stop a moving train is the one who is driving it...and that is your son, not you. Do NOT feel guilty for enjoying your holiday, or for your food or anything else. They are available to your son when he decides that he is ready for recovery! There are many paths to recovery. If he has tried things that haven't worked, encourage him to try something else..but do not do it for him!
I hope you are able to find some peace and hope in this horrible situation. Hold on to the hope that we can, and do, recover!
