Hello everyone, I happened upon this site through google, looking for forums such as this. I read quite a few threads before I decided to join and post a thread of my own. I did notice a lot of good advice given out towards people in need. And although I am pretty sure the same type of advice may be given to me as well, perhaps the need to vent with other people in the same type of situation, may help.
My son is 20, and has been using drugs since he was around 12 ( i later learned ). Mainly weed and he eventually started taking xanax as well. Not defending - but he can handle the weed fine. It is when he takes the xanax that things go wrong.
We (his father and i, at times problems involved sisters) for about 3yrs now. He has stolen money, our personal items, lied, damaged vehicle - has been locked up, on probation - even a dui. We even lock our doors to our room when he is around. Each time we (we as in me) made bail and took him back. With him swearing no more xanax. I realize that I am an enabler. Though knowing this, I continued.
Though at the moment, son has no jail time, no probabtion - basically in the clear concerning law enforcement - he still takes the xanax. His dad is pretty much at his limit. Me, as mom - I am at my limit when Im pissed. But when his dad gets serious and kicks him out of the house (has happened a few times), I get soft again and the enabler resurfaces.
I decided to write this because at this exact moment, I have a feeling son has taken the xanax this evening. And, only and hour before this moment - he and his dad talked and of course son swore no more xanax "i'd rather have a job than be on the xanax" (son works with his dad). Now, son may not have taken it - it is just a feeling I have. But his dad told him this evening, one more time on the xanax, and you're out of the house - no matter what mom feels or says.
When son is in xanax, he is like a zombie. Total unaware of what he does or says. And he truly believes he is okay, nothing is wrong. He can not remember anything he does or speaks.
So now I am sitting here worrying myself to death that he took it. I'm nervous, watching his moves, listening to his words, etc.
I know what I should do if he has taken it. But as most know - should and doing are totally different. So how do we stop. How do we not worry. Not care. As others have mentioned, how do we let our children fall. How do we watch them get kicked out and have no where to go, no money, no food. How do I "let" that happen and not sit here and worry. I know we don't stop caring or worrying - but I make myself a nervous wreck wondering
worried mom in need
Mom - It's so damn hard. I know. My son is struggling to stay clean. As a mom I want to give him every benefit of the doubt. I love him. I want to turn back the clock to when he was a baby and I had the power to make everything in his world OK. The same thoughts you're having swirl around in my mind constantly, too. I know this is a non-answer, but I wanted you to know that someone has read your post, and cares.
