Morning Everyone,
I have given up control and I have found so much more peace in my life. Yet I have a question, have any of you found that it spills over into other situations, not just with the addict in your life......It that a good or bad thing? I found when my husband starting getting bad I pushed back with control, worse he got more I pushed.....just having a hard time getting things back into perspective. Gettings things back like it was years ago.....
Before I end this....I want to tell you all what happened to me last night. My husband and I were talking, I was telling him of how good I feel, how not worrying about him and giving up the control has helped me. I asked him how he felt about this. He said he was afraid to say anything to me because he didn't want me to go and start controlling his situations again......He also pointed out how he loved the change in me.....
Have a great day all,
Tina
Dear Miss tina trying to control someone elses habit is like tryin to stop a train wreck!!!!You must feel so relived to finally have let go of that control.You are an inspiration to me you always have been.Anything you have written to me has helped me in my fight.You & your husband sound like you are both so lucky to have each other.I hope this makes sense?Sometimes how I feel & how it sounds when I try to say it comes out all befuddled ya know.Anyways mj just needed to put her 2 cents in I luv ya....mj
Oh, yes, Misty. And I have this to offer you for your contemplation and meditation: in reading the 12 Steps, we are brought to express the desire "to practice these principles in all of our affairs."
Love your posts -- you have much to offer, especially to newcomers.
Love your posts -- you have much to offer, especially to newcomers.
Thanks Bob......Well if you have been reading what I write what you read is basically how I am........Just was something interesting about the control thing.....Read the steps, was so confused but I think because what they said I mosty did or felt anyway....The control was the key, giving that up gave me instant relief!
HOW do you give it up, Tina? I WANT to.
Love,
Susan
Love,
Susan
I'd love to know how you let it go Tina..there have been maybe two times where i had a little glimpse of what that might be like but it went as fast as it came and now i feel very lost. Great to hear you've got it though - well done!!
Jo
Jo
Morning Susan and Jo,
Susan I know your story, but Jo I don't think I have seen yours. I don't know if it will be harder for you Susan because it is your son......not sure if it would have been as easy if it was mine.
I really don't know what I did.....I read a lot of stuff on addiction, lots of stories from both sides.....got some advice just by listening(reading) at the online alanon group.....But really the best advice I got was from a recovering addict, who is my lifesaver. I think it was just the way he explained things to me.....about how someone addicted feels, thinks.....stuff like that. Was in his words and things he said about himself that got me to look at my husband differently.......
I let go off all the worrying about the unknown, cause we really don't know what it going to happen in ours or anyone else's lives. Also I have a better trust in my self and everyone around me.....which sounds weird I know......I don't know if either of you say my post the other day about my 14 year old daughter. She was invited to a friends after school to do some drinking, not good, and she told her friend that she won't come over to do things like that.....She reinforced how I now feel. I have to trust in knowing that I did the best for my kids and my husband. That I gave them all the right information to help them grow in life...by kids especially.
It really was an obsession for me....I just couldn't stop thinking about the drugs, the pain he put me through....his relapse I thought would kill me. Knowing I had to live it all over again, his pain, and suffering......I just said enough, I can't play this game anymore. I gave it all up, forgave him and moved on......
I am one of those people who is so passionate about everything, sometimes to a fault. But now I have redirected my feelings and project them differently. I wrote something about my feelings in my post to Mickey....If you guys are interested in reading.....I now live life to the fullest, for me....and it shows in how I relate to all those around me.....I really do enjoy everything.....and I handle the bad things better....I just stopped the obsessing.....
It is hard and at times I find myself falling back into old patterns, but I am new to this and so are both of you.....If you had a glimpse Jo then it is there, find it, you will feel better.....Susan, he is grown man, he has to learn to live his life again on lifes terms.......He will make mistakes and in the same respect he will shine like the sun......he is only human.....Please guide, but don't push, help when asked but try not to force things on him......He really does have to do this on his own. He knows you will be there to love him and support him unconditionally.......He is lost I am sure and confused, but we all would be in his situation.....As each day passes and he experiences more of life through clear eyes, he will find more of himself....and see the good in him and what he could offer in life.....
I really don't know if I helped either of you.....It is so hard to explain how I changed myself....But I feel that if I am feeling better, looking better, sleeping better, and eating better....them I must be doing something right. And no one is complaining on my end that they feel unloved or that I don't care about them, so I guess I have a good balance going.....I pray a lot and I am very thankful for the life I have and wouldn't change it for the world.....the bad included. This is just my life, for better or worse, I know I have to be able to live in it all comfortably.
Take care of you....if only just for today, you may find that you love that concept and everyone else around you more.
Love,
Tina
Susan I know your story, but Jo I don't think I have seen yours. I don't know if it will be harder for you Susan because it is your son......not sure if it would have been as easy if it was mine.
I really don't know what I did.....I read a lot of stuff on addiction, lots of stories from both sides.....got some advice just by listening(reading) at the online alanon group.....But really the best advice I got was from a recovering addict, who is my lifesaver. I think it was just the way he explained things to me.....about how someone addicted feels, thinks.....stuff like that. Was in his words and things he said about himself that got me to look at my husband differently.......
I let go off all the worrying about the unknown, cause we really don't know what it going to happen in ours or anyone else's lives. Also I have a better trust in my self and everyone around me.....which sounds weird I know......I don't know if either of you say my post the other day about my 14 year old daughter. She was invited to a friends after school to do some drinking, not good, and she told her friend that she won't come over to do things like that.....She reinforced how I now feel. I have to trust in knowing that I did the best for my kids and my husband. That I gave them all the right information to help them grow in life...by kids especially.
It really was an obsession for me....I just couldn't stop thinking about the drugs, the pain he put me through....his relapse I thought would kill me. Knowing I had to live it all over again, his pain, and suffering......I just said enough, I can't play this game anymore. I gave it all up, forgave him and moved on......
I am one of those people who is so passionate about everything, sometimes to a fault. But now I have redirected my feelings and project them differently. I wrote something about my feelings in my post to Mickey....If you guys are interested in reading.....I now live life to the fullest, for me....and it shows in how I relate to all those around me.....I really do enjoy everything.....and I handle the bad things better....I just stopped the obsessing.....
It is hard and at times I find myself falling back into old patterns, but I am new to this and so are both of you.....If you had a glimpse Jo then it is there, find it, you will feel better.....Susan, he is grown man, he has to learn to live his life again on lifes terms.......He will make mistakes and in the same respect he will shine like the sun......he is only human.....Please guide, but don't push, help when asked but try not to force things on him......He really does have to do this on his own. He knows you will be there to love him and support him unconditionally.......He is lost I am sure and confused, but we all would be in his situation.....As each day passes and he experiences more of life through clear eyes, he will find more of himself....and see the good in him and what he could offer in life.....
I really don't know if I helped either of you.....It is so hard to explain how I changed myself....But I feel that if I am feeling better, looking better, sleeping better, and eating better....them I must be doing something right. And no one is complaining on my end that they feel unloved or that I don't care about them, so I guess I have a good balance going.....I pray a lot and I am very thankful for the life I have and wouldn't change it for the world.....the bad included. This is just my life, for better or worse, I know I have to be able to live in it all comfortably.
Take care of you....if only just for today, you may find that you love that concept and everyone else around you more.
Love,
Tina
Ok, I am back and still don't know if I said it right above......It is kind of like a light bulb just turned on in my head. So many things came together at once. It is a really weird feeling. He goes to do his thing, whatever it might be at the time....and I just don't have the need to worry. Thats the word NEED.
I don't need to get details, It has nothing to do with not caring about whats going on in his life.....I just can live without knowing everything going on in his life.....I don't push for answers that may not have been there in the first place.We talk all the time but I don't have to know the littlest detail. I can have a conversation with him without the 1000 questions anymore......I find he tells me more now that I don't ask a ton of questions.
Well thats it for now....it is so hard at times for me to write it all out, so that I atleast understand what I was saying....lol Of course earlier today while folding clothes I knew how to put it, but now that I can sit to do it and relax, I fear that I might have confused everyone more......
Anyone out there that might be able to explain this better, or am I doing ok.....
Hugs to all,
Tina
I don't need to get details, It has nothing to do with not caring about whats going on in his life.....I just can live without knowing everything going on in his life.....I don't push for answers that may not have been there in the first place.We talk all the time but I don't have to know the littlest detail. I can have a conversation with him without the 1000 questions anymore......I find he tells me more now that I don't ask a ton of questions.
Well thats it for now....it is so hard at times for me to write it all out, so that I atleast understand what I was saying....lol Of course earlier today while folding clothes I knew how to put it, but now that I can sit to do it and relax, I fear that I might have confused everyone more......
Anyone out there that might be able to explain this better, or am I doing ok.....
Hugs to all,
Tina
dear mistyeye, just read your post. it gave me a little hope. i wish i could do that. i just get angry when i ask him something and he lies about it.
Hi Christineperk,
Yeah, the lies are the worst........you get to the point where you don't even believe them when they are actually telling the truth. It does get better if you let it. I saw what you read about detachment.....I offer you this he will notice when you start to change......So if you can detach even alittle.....it will help you so much and maybe get him to notice his own bad behavior.
Blessings for a change in your life, never give up on you.......
Hugs,
Tina
Yeah, the lies are the worst........you get to the point where you don't even believe them when they are actually telling the truth. It does get better if you let it. I saw what you read about detachment.....I offer you this he will notice when you start to change......So if you can detach even alittle.....it will help you so much and maybe get him to notice his own bad behavior.
Blessings for a change in your life, never give up on you.......
Hugs,
Tina
mistyeyes, we're trying to get there. not sure yet how we are going to get there, but we're trying. thanks for making the time -- and caring enough to share.
This has been soooooo helpful. I am now starting to realise that I can't control this situation. I am trying to step back and not worry about this 24/7. The "detachment" is another step I am going to take. I know this is going to be difficult but my husband's life and my marriage are worth saving. I will be there for him when he wants to talk or needs help but I am not going to question or analyze everything. Life will be so much easier.
I am glad that you found your way over here. I have become personally attached to many on the other board, so I won't leave. I do check in over here as well. When I first joined this board wasn't here...it has been a wonderful addition to the whole site. Gives us on the other side a place to find some peace. It will be a one day at a time thing so be kind to yourself. I stood by so I know how you feel, I just couldn't leave my husband to do this all withut my support. I knew he was worth it!
Hugs,
Tina
BTW, I responded on the other board as well, something different than I put here.
Hugs,
Tina
BTW, I responded on the other board as well, something different than I put here.
Hey Bob.........you aren't there yet. Oh I still have those moments where that control just jumps out from nowhere, but I recognize it right away.......and stop it before I got to wrapped up. Obsession is nasty.........really eats your soul!
bmp
