Cookster!
How the hell are you? We haven't spoken in forever. The last time we spoke, school had just ended and we were talking about your summer plans. You said something about going down the river (a vacation, not a metaphor, right? lol) then, no more Cookster. I dropped off the board a while too Cookster. I mean, completely, I didn't even come on to read. So many people, you included, I care about, and wondered about, but I was isolating big time. Even for me. I just...can't really explain it. Oh wait, part of it was my exbf came acalling from Texas. Can you spell fiasco? Or Chaos? Or Sucicide attempt. On his part, not mine. What a mess. He took about 20 -30 1 mg xanax and drank beer. I didn't even know where he was. He called me but he didn't know where he was either. Eventually, I found him in the ER in 4 point restaint. They'd pumped his stomach. He tried to blame me. Look what I'd done to him (I wasn't even there, I was at work!) I had no compassion, I was terrrible and if I'd just take him back none of this would have ever happened and never would again, it was up to me. Needless to say, he's back in Texas.
I'm on the sub again, small dose. Had some excitement with it earlier this month - my dose may have been a little high for me (although WAY below what the dr. prescribed) but I wasn't sleeping at all, then I was sleeping maybe 1 hour a night and have screaming nightmares. She prescribed a small dose of ativan cuz I was such a wreak (she's a addiction specialist for 12 years, so she didn't do it lightly) Then the hallucanations started. Just little things I thought I'd see out of the corner or my eye, sudden movement behind me, cartoon like characters, the worst was this bird on a branch outside my office door watching me in a evil fashion. Watching everything I did, like it was planning something. I finally said to my co-worker, " what is with that damn bird, it's making me a nervous wreak!" She goes, "what bird?" Yeah, that was it for me - at the Dr.'s the next day, just dropped by - immediately off the ativan and I cut my sub dose down more. Now, if I could only sleep......lol. Seriously, I plan to try to be completely off the sub soon. I'm aiming for 1 month. The Dr. feels I need to stay on it longer, because I was on the opiates longer and it'll give me more of a chance (unless I'm killed by random bird). Anyway, although the idea take a drug to get off a drug totally resonates with me and my addictive thinking. Maybe.....just, maybe, not taking a drug to not take a drug is the better idea! Cookster! Do you think that maybe there has been (dare I say it) GROWTH in my thinking? With my luck it's a tumor. I so look forward to hearing from you! Post and tell me everything! How you're doing? Still on the wagon? Obviously, back in school - that didn't last long! Flying lately? Hows your weather? I bet it's beautiful. Is it cold yet? Write me quick, or I'll hunt you down! I'm kidding, I'll send the bird!
Lola
Hi Lola, its good to hear from you. I was wondering what was up with you. Last time I heard from you you were considering going on sub, but hadn't. It sounds like you have taken that step. Good for you! Its good to see you making progress. I hope you get your dosage sorted out and get rid of that nasty bird!
Summer is well and truly over up here and the snow is on the march down the mountain sides although it is still quite warm in the valley bottom. We haven't even had a frost yet, and it gets up to about 10 degrees centigrade in the day, I guess thats about 45 - 50 farenheight. The weather has been miserable, rainy and low cloud for the last 2 months or so...so I haven't done much flying. Its been work eat and sleep mostly since Sept. oh well..... I have a job, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food on my table, and I'm still sober so life is good.
bye for now, Cookster
Summer is well and truly over up here and the snow is on the march down the mountain sides although it is still quite warm in the valley bottom. We haven't even had a frost yet, and it gets up to about 10 degrees centigrade in the day, I guess thats about 45 - 50 farenheight. The weather has been miserable, rainy and low cloud for the last 2 months or so...so I haven't done much flying. Its been work eat and sleep mostly since Sept. oh well..... I have a job, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food on my table, and I'm still sober so life is good.
bye for now, Cookster
Hey Cookster,
Still sober...how long has it been? Its been quite a while, right? Do you keep up with exactly when, or is it more of a general idea. Do you not crave at all? Some people can just do that. Just, like - that's it, enough is enough! Is that you? I was like that with cigerattes I started smoking at age 15 and smoked for years, I guess about 15 years, then quit. I picked it up again after going thru a horribly trumatic time in my life - one day a cigarette just sounded like a damn good idea! Smoked for about maybe 6 years (Kool Milds) then quit again. No biggie. Thank God. I'm very lucky with that, I know. I've read cigarettes are more addictive than heroine. (Did I spell that right?). So, you may get some snow? It's supposed to dip below freezing here tonight, yea! The sub is an interesting drug, thats for sure. It does take away your cravings, but I find myself still sometimes dwelling on the buzz or the escapismpart of it. Isn't that craving too, though? Most of the people on sub say it never crosses their mind! That's not me though. One of the good things about sub is if I did decide to slip, it wouldn't be like a "slip" per se. It have to be planned. The sub has to be out of your system for a least 3 days or you simply won't feel the euphoric effects of the Lortab (or Whatever). See, that buys you time, to stop and thinkwhich is very, very good. I'm so into immediate grafification, that if I'm distracted from that, I'm like, next!
You take care, write back & let me know whats going on!
Still sober...how long has it been? Its been quite a while, right? Do you keep up with exactly when, or is it more of a general idea. Do you not crave at all? Some people can just do that. Just, like - that's it, enough is enough! Is that you? I was like that with cigerattes I started smoking at age 15 and smoked for years, I guess about 15 years, then quit. I picked it up again after going thru a horribly trumatic time in my life - one day a cigarette just sounded like a damn good idea! Smoked for about maybe 6 years (Kool Milds) then quit again. No biggie. Thank God. I'm very lucky with that, I know. I've read cigarettes are more addictive than heroine. (Did I spell that right?). So, you may get some snow? It's supposed to dip below freezing here tonight, yea! The sub is an interesting drug, thats for sure. It does take away your cravings, but I find myself still sometimes dwelling on the buzz or the escapismpart of it. Isn't that craving too, though? Most of the people on sub say it never crosses their mind! That's not me though. One of the good things about sub is if I did decide to slip, it wouldn't be like a "slip" per se. It have to be planned. The sub has to be out of your system for a least 3 days or you simply won't feel the euphoric effects of the Lortab (or Whatever). See, that buys you time, to stop and thinkwhich is very, very good. I'm so into immediate grafification, that if I'm distracted from that, I'm like, next!
You take care, write back & let me know whats going on!
Hi Lola, I have been sober since half way through last feb. I guess thats 7 months now give or take a few days. Wow, the time does add up. I'm past the PAWS stuff, I can sleep normally now, and my physical energy is back. I'm used to what its like to be sober all the time now, it was quite a shock at first, reading 7:00 pm on the clock with sober eyes. I still tend to veg out a lot and spend too much time "in my head" but these last few days I have been spending the evenings somewhat productively. Oh well I spent 7 years or so getting into the state I ended up in, it may take more than 7 months to recover.....
All in all though I feel quite good in sobriety; I definately do not want to ever go back where I was, sliding downhill in a drunken haze unable to stop. For all that though I admit that sometimes I'm tempted to go out with the boys on a payday friday; now that I'm starting to feel "normal' I start thinking that I could probably drink normally too. However, the saner side of me thinks that it is simply not worth the risk researching that hypothesis.
You seem settled in with the sub, I hope you continue to do well.. take care and remember its
one day at a time, Cookster
All in all though I feel quite good in sobriety; I definately do not want to ever go back where I was, sliding downhill in a drunken haze unable to stop. For all that though I admit that sometimes I'm tempted to go out with the boys on a payday friday; now that I'm starting to feel "normal' I start thinking that I could probably drink normally too. However, the saner side of me thinks that it is simply not worth the risk researching that hypothesis.
You seem settled in with the sub, I hope you continue to do well.. take care and remember its
one day at a time, Cookster
Cookster!!!
It sounds like you're doing very well! I know what you mean about thinking oh, maybe now, it's ok and I can have a few and then stop. I'm glad you recognize that slippery slope. Some of us (me) aren't that quick. I've been in a bad headspace all week - I wrote a thread called "I feel like giving up" on the pain pill category in case you're interested. The whole woe is me story is there. Interestingly, once I wrote it all down and got some positive feedback......I started to feel better! Imagine that! I guess sharing your prob with others who've been there does actually help. (See, I really am slow!) No, but I'm surprised at how much. so much better I feel! I was kind of scared to post it because I was so obviously feeling sorry for myself, having a "pity party" and I thought, I guess I thought if I showed vulnerablility, people would pounce. Take advantage of it, make fun of me. Thats how it was done in my family. So, even though intellectually I know how dysfunctional my family was (is) I'm still learning all the ways it's really changed who I am. Or would have been. Whatever.
The sub? Well, it's a strange drug. It causes some sleep distubances & some mild like hallucanations at the beginning. It helps with the physical cravings but the mental cravings are still there. The wanting to escape. Missing the euphoric, energized feeling. I'm totally romantisizing (sp) the whole thing. And that's dangerous. The good thing about the sub, I'm so impulsive, if I have a thought to use - it's an action before I've even really thought it through - but, the sub acts kind of like antibuse. It has to totally clear your system before you can take anything else and get any kind of buzz. I've heard anywhere from 24 hrs to 72 hrs, to 10 days. So that give you a chance to think What a concept, thinking before acting.
What are you doing for the holidays? Are you looking forward to them, are you dreading them (like me) does your family have a big get-together? I hope you enjoy them, whatever the case.
Lola
It sounds like you're doing very well! I know what you mean about thinking oh, maybe now, it's ok and I can have a few and then stop. I'm glad you recognize that slippery slope. Some of us (me) aren't that quick. I've been in a bad headspace all week - I wrote a thread called "I feel like giving up" on the pain pill category in case you're interested. The whole woe is me story is there. Interestingly, once I wrote it all down and got some positive feedback......I started to feel better! Imagine that! I guess sharing your prob with others who've been there does actually help. (See, I really am slow!) No, but I'm surprised at how much. so much better I feel! I was kind of scared to post it because I was so obviously feeling sorry for myself, having a "pity party" and I thought, I guess I thought if I showed vulnerablility, people would pounce. Take advantage of it, make fun of me. Thats how it was done in my family. So, even though intellectually I know how dysfunctional my family was (is) I'm still learning all the ways it's really changed who I am. Or would have been. Whatever.
The sub? Well, it's a strange drug. It causes some sleep distubances & some mild like hallucanations at the beginning. It helps with the physical cravings but the mental cravings are still there. The wanting to escape. Missing the euphoric, energized feeling. I'm totally romantisizing (sp) the whole thing. And that's dangerous. The good thing about the sub, I'm so impulsive, if I have a thought to use - it's an action before I've even really thought it through - but, the sub acts kind of like antibuse. It has to totally clear your system before you can take anything else and get any kind of buzz. I've heard anywhere from 24 hrs to 72 hrs, to 10 days. So that give you a chance to think What a concept, thinking before acting.
What are you doing for the holidays? Are you looking forward to them, are you dreading them (like me) does your family have a big get-together? I hope you enjoy them, whatever the case.
Lola
Hi Lola,
Good to hear from you, I read your post on the pain pills board,sorry to hear that you are having a "down" time. Be proud of your self for not relapsing, and try to stay focussed on how good you will feel after you successfully negotiate this unpleasant period. Life can be a pain in the butt sometimes. Not having job security is really a drain on your energy. It sounds like you are making the sub work , good for you!
I'm staying in town for the Christmas holidays, (our thanksgiving is in october and its not celebrated as much as it is in the US) My parents are thinking about coming here and staying with my mom's brother, my uncle. Oh well thats all right. My mother was quite abusive to us kids, but I have made my peace with that period of my life. Yes, my mother influenced who I am and who I could have been, but whether I let those influences be positive or negative is up to me. At this point in time, I feel sorry for my mother, she has let fear, anger and negativity define a huge part of who she is.
Take care of your self, its
one day at a time, Cookster
Good to hear from you, I read your post on the pain pills board,sorry to hear that you are having a "down" time. Be proud of your self for not relapsing, and try to stay focussed on how good you will feel after you successfully negotiate this unpleasant period. Life can be a pain in the butt sometimes. Not having job security is really a drain on your energy. It sounds like you are making the sub work , good for you!
I'm staying in town for the Christmas holidays, (our thanksgiving is in october and its not celebrated as much as it is in the US) My parents are thinking about coming here and staying with my mom's brother, my uncle. Oh well thats all right. My mother was quite abusive to us kids, but I have made my peace with that period of my life. Yes, my mother influenced who I am and who I could have been, but whether I let those influences be positive or negative is up to me. At this point in time, I feel sorry for my mother, she has let fear, anger and negativity define a huge part of who she is.
Take care of your self, its
one day at a time, Cookster
Cookster!
You always seem so mellow. Like you're just chillin', one day at a time, man. I feel like I'm all over the place compared to that calmness. I'm really not this spastic in person....well, maybe I am, but I really don't want to be. I'm trying to be more "zen" It hasn't happened yet. I don't know if I'm even making sense. I'm trying to be more proactive though, I need to make things happen rather than just let them happen to me, you know what I mean? Like, I want to be calmer, but what am I doing to pursue that? Nothing. It's just gonna fall outta the sky and hit me in the head just like sobriety did. Remember how long I waited for that to happen? But, what confuses me is how do I take charge AND let go. They say, let go & let God, or whatever. So to me that implies its out of my hands anyway, so what difference does it make what I do. I'm talking in circles (swear I'm not using!) See how much I need to relax?
I'm sorry to hear about your Mom and I'm glad you can let it go like that, I'll aim for that. I guess I didn't realize your Thanksgiving was in Oct (duh). I do hope you enjoy your holidays though.
Send calming words of wisdom!!! And remember its:
Lola all ova the place! (get it?)
You always seem so mellow. Like you're just chillin', one day at a time, man. I feel like I'm all over the place compared to that calmness. I'm really not this spastic in person....well, maybe I am, but I really don't want to be. I'm trying to be more "zen" It hasn't happened yet. I don't know if I'm even making sense. I'm trying to be more proactive though, I need to make things happen rather than just let them happen to me, you know what I mean? Like, I want to be calmer, but what am I doing to pursue that? Nothing. It's just gonna fall outta the sky and hit me in the head just like sobriety did. Remember how long I waited for that to happen? But, what confuses me is how do I take charge AND let go. They say, let go & let God, or whatever. So to me that implies its out of my hands anyway, so what difference does it make what I do. I'm talking in circles (swear I'm not using!) See how much I need to relax?
I'm sorry to hear about your Mom and I'm glad you can let it go like that, I'll aim for that. I guess I didn't realize your Thanksgiving was in Oct (duh). I do hope you enjoy your holidays though.
Send calming words of wisdom!!! And remember its:
Lola all ova the place! (get it?)
Hey Lola,
I suppose that to some degree I could be described as "mellow" and "chillin" , a better way to describe myself might be, " a somewhat contented state of inertia". I would probably be happier if I were accomplishing more with my time. I can relate to your question, "How do I take charge and let go at the same time?" I know I need to let go of what prevents me from taking charge. What prevents me from taking charge more than I do is worrying and/or being angry about things I have no control over. Come to think of it, some of the things I do have control over, I manage in such a way that I have cause to be worried or angry, although I guess I am doing not too badly.
Just stop worrying and being irritated by the "small stuff" Simple, problem is sometimes the simple things are often the hardest to do. Oh well..
Lately, I have had a few little successes and accomplished a few little things. I guess I need to figure out how to make a little bit of positive happen every day...
one day at a time, Cookster
I suppose that to some degree I could be described as "mellow" and "chillin" , a better way to describe myself might be, " a somewhat contented state of inertia". I would probably be happier if I were accomplishing more with my time. I can relate to your question, "How do I take charge and let go at the same time?" I know I need to let go of what prevents me from taking charge. What prevents me from taking charge more than I do is worrying and/or being angry about things I have no control over. Come to think of it, some of the things I do have control over, I manage in such a way that I have cause to be worried or angry, although I guess I am doing not too badly.
Just stop worrying and being irritated by the "small stuff" Simple, problem is sometimes the simple things are often the hardest to do. Oh well..
Lately, I have had a few little successes and accomplished a few little things. I guess I need to figure out how to make a little bit of positive happen every day...
one day at a time, Cookster
Cookster!
You kill me. A ''contented state of inertia" love that! You're a witty guy. I have trouble too with (especially with) the things I have no control over. If everyone would just do things like I want, my life would be so much easier! I don't think thats too much to ask! Do you go to meetings, Cookster? I know in the beginning you weren't. Or, are you just trying to live by the steps. I mean the steps make sense. Even I see that, I mean just because I fought going to the meetings for so long didn't really mean I didn't see that they worked. And that it was a good way to live your life. That said, I'm wondering why I fought it for so long especially since I saw the merits in the program.
I started a thread on pain pills re: addictive personality. What are your thoughts?
I've got to get ready for work, lets talk more later.
Lola
You kill me. A ''contented state of inertia" love that! You're a witty guy. I have trouble too with (especially with) the things I have no control over. If everyone would just do things like I want, my life would be so much easier! I don't think thats too much to ask! Do you go to meetings, Cookster? I know in the beginning you weren't. Or, are you just trying to live by the steps. I mean the steps make sense. Even I see that, I mean just because I fought going to the meetings for so long didn't really mean I didn't see that they worked. And that it was a good way to live your life. That said, I'm wondering why I fought it for so long especially since I saw the merits in the program.
I started a thread on pain pills re: addictive personality. What are your thoughts?
I've got to get ready for work, lets talk more later.
Lola
Hi Lola,
I read your post on the pain pills board. I too read to escape when I was a kid. I don't think it was a sign of an addictive personality, just that I was in a situation that I needed/wanted to escape from. (we were raised fundamentalist christion so we didn't fit in well with the other kids at school and at home, my mother was unhappy and not pleasant to be around) Later on in life, I used alcohol first to deal with stress, and then to escape from job related unhappiness. Do I have a personality predisposed to addiction? I don't know, I think its more like I have fears, insecurities that make the alcohol escape seem very attractive.
I still haven't gone to any meetings, but I seem to be following at least a couple of the steps. The way sobriety came was when I realized that I couldn't contol alcohol; thats the first AA step. I also felt bad about some of my behaviour I made amends to one person, but others I think all can do is be sober; making amends is another of the AA steps. I'm starting to think a little about what my fears are and how to live with out alcohol; taking a personal inventory is another of the AA steps.. Posting on this board has been a godsend. Other than that, I just take it ,
one day at a time, Cookster
I read your post on the pain pills board. I too read to escape when I was a kid. I don't think it was a sign of an addictive personality, just that I was in a situation that I needed/wanted to escape from. (we were raised fundamentalist christion so we didn't fit in well with the other kids at school and at home, my mother was unhappy and not pleasant to be around) Later on in life, I used alcohol first to deal with stress, and then to escape from job related unhappiness. Do I have a personality predisposed to addiction? I don't know, I think its more like I have fears, insecurities that make the alcohol escape seem very attractive.
I still haven't gone to any meetings, but I seem to be following at least a couple of the steps. The way sobriety came was when I realized that I couldn't contol alcohol; thats the first AA step. I also felt bad about some of my behaviour I made amends to one person, but others I think all can do is be sober; making amends is another of the AA steps. I'm starting to think a little about what my fears are and how to live with out alcohol; taking a personal inventory is another of the AA steps.. Posting on this board has been a godsend. Other than that, I just take it ,
one day at a time, Cookster
