Crystal,
Everything leading up to the meeting was bad. I couldn't find either of my watches that I like to wear (small thing). I forgot my cell phone, didn't have time for breakfast, had to drive my son's car that have windows that are so black that one can hardly see thru, of course it was on empty. Missed my exit, had to go for miles because of road construction to get off on another exit, took the wrong exit back went 50 miles the wrong way before I could get turned around, again because of road construction. I was and hour late for my appt, it rained and sleeted, just a miserable day. But the two people that conducted the interview were extremely nice and professional, treated me with respect, soft spoken. Every word I spoke was written down. I told them the whole story of what happened. I'm still not able to come completely clean here about everything that I've gone thru over the past 2 yrs but a few things I will share. My daughter got pregnant, something I never would have expected in a million years. The worst part was that he is here from Pakistan going to college here, from a wealthy family. She refused to marry him because he had told her that if he got married his wife would return to his homeland with him and even if she didn't he would take any kids they might have. Then I had surgery on my foot, had bone removed and achilles tendon repaired, suffered terribe pain, was in a cast for weeks then a boot for months and on crutches. I was referred to a pain tx center for pain control, started off with vicoprofen then was switched to Percocet.
Was on pain meds for almost 2 years, started abusing them. Then found out my youngest brother, who I am closer too than anyone in my family had cancer.
Then just a few months later found out my sister who I am also very close too had breast cancer. Then I started having physical problems and diagnosed myself with cancer because of our family hx, mother, father, 3 brothers, 3 sisters. I lost faith in God and started questioning him. Along with this my youngest son was in trouble with the law, and the baby's father started making threats again. The pain in my heart knew no bounds. So you can see how this story went. I was impaired at work and got in trouble.
Anyway, I had to sign a 5 year contract with the board yesterday. I am so scared of messing up. Am I strong enough to stay clean for five years, am I strong enough to go back to work and have drugs so close and available. I just don't know. I know I'm going to lose everything if I don't return to work, but just don't know if I'm strong enough, don't have enough faith in myself today. Anyway thanks for letting me vent. The stipulations that I had to agree to are very harsh and I'm having a pity party today. But I messed up and I have to make ammends..
I still thank God that he intervened in my life in December, might have been dead now or in jail. I am closer to God than I've ever been in my life and have made friends in recovery that I would never have known. People are so misinformed about recovery meetings or have based their opinions on fear and ego. If they would just attend a few meetings they would understand why those of us who go to meetings feel so strong about them. I would never have made it this far without my support group.
Sorry I rambled. I'll feel better tomorrow.
Sharon
Sharon,
I am sorry, I just had to comment. I am the one with the sister in law, same situation, much different reasons. She was ordered into recovery, had to attend meetings, her probation may be shorter, maybe 3 years ???, she cannot practice at a hospital for now and cannot dispense any narcotics of any kind,
she also has urine tests that can be taken at anytime, randomly they call her. But it still was the best thing that happened to her and her family. I know it took her awhile to talk about this, and it still is. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care and Best Wishes
I am sorry, I just had to comment. I am the one with the sister in law, same situation, much different reasons. She was ordered into recovery, had to attend meetings, her probation may be shorter, maybe 3 years ???, she cannot practice at a hospital for now and cannot dispense any narcotics of any kind,
she also has urine tests that can be taken at anytime, randomly they call her. But it still was the best thing that happened to her and her family. I know it took her awhile to talk about this, and it still is. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care and Best Wishes
Thanks Best wishes
I too will have to take ua tests, have to have 2 forms on hand at all times, which cost $103.00. Will have to call a number every morning to see if I have to go to a lab. Was told may have to go 2 days in a row, or 3 times in one week. Will have to call 7 days a week. Can't give narcotics unsupervised for 1 yr. But in ICU we have patients on narcotic drips all the time with easy access to them, that's why I'm so scared. Maybe I won't have to work in an ICU setting, but it's been so long since I've done anything else. Also have to attend 4 outside NA meetings a week (no problem, there's alot of meetings all thru the day and evening here). Have to have quartery reports by my councelors, employer, and have signatures from sponsors at any meeting I attend. Have to have all MD's I see sign a form about any meds I''m on, meet with the board of nursing quarterly and also meet with another board member who will evaluate me also.
That's just part of what I have to do. Hope I don't mess up.
Sharon
I too will have to take ua tests, have to have 2 forms on hand at all times, which cost $103.00. Will have to call a number every morning to see if I have to go to a lab. Was told may have to go 2 days in a row, or 3 times in one week. Will have to call 7 days a week. Can't give narcotics unsupervised for 1 yr. But in ICU we have patients on narcotic drips all the time with easy access to them, that's why I'm so scared. Maybe I won't have to work in an ICU setting, but it's been so long since I've done anything else. Also have to attend 4 outside NA meetings a week (no problem, there's alot of meetings all thru the day and evening here). Have to have quartery reports by my councelors, employer, and have signatures from sponsors at any meeting I attend. Have to have all MD's I see sign a form about any meds I''m on, meet with the board of nursing quarterly and also meet with another board member who will evaluate me also.
That's just part of what I have to do. Hope I don't mess up.
Sharon
(((Sharon)))
Have some faith in your Higher Power. You could be sitting in jaill right now but you aren't. God has plans for you, honey. All will be ok if you don't pick up and you don't HAVE to pick up. Just take it one day at a time. Keep going to meetings and work the steps. Your life will change and you have a wonderful opportunity to help other nurses that are addicts. You know that helping others keeps us clean.
love ya
Kat
Have some faith in your Higher Power. You could be sitting in jaill right now but you aren't. God has plans for you, honey. All will be ok if you don't pick up and you don't HAVE to pick up. Just take it one day at a time. Keep going to meetings and work the steps. Your life will change and you have a wonderful opportunity to help other nurses that are addicts. You know that helping others keeps us clean.
love ya
Kat
sharon
wow, thanks for sharing. you sure have been haaving alot of growth spurts very recently. all in one it seems. i am sorry for your pain, i am sorry for all your experiences. we all have our stories, don't we? you do have alot on your plate right now. i was told that God doesnt give us anymore than we can handle. i know that at times, that does seem impossible. keep asking Him to guide you and to help you live through his love and just be open to possibilities. 50 miles out of your way -you sure didnt want to go to that meeting. isn't it crazy how sometimes the mind part is almost always hard than the actuality. it amazes. if i would just stay in the moment, be involved with what i am doing right now, alot of the pain and anguish goes away. i suggest THE POWER OF NOW book, sounds to me like it would hlep you so much right now with perspective and feeling good. (if you like to read) basically the book is about don't think about the past, learn by it dont think about the future it's not here yet. the only thing that is REAL is the present. look around, right now, right this minute - what is going on - i am in dark with a little light on and a big computer screen. i hear the clock ticking, the dog at my feet, the cats laying around, my daughter sleeping - the low quiet music in the ceiling. that is what is real. worrying about getting my daughter up and seeing if she has a fever and forcing her to go to school and worrying about walking the dog and if i have to cancel appts - that all may come real, but then again it may not. BE HERE NOW.
i feel for you and with what has been going on around you - you have done a terrific job. you didn't end up in jail, you didnt hurt anyone but yourself and you were and are there for all those people in your life. youcannot change them, you can only change yourself.
i'm real good at knowing this is how it works, if i could just put it in use all the time for myself, i would know ETERNAL PEACE here on earth.
thank you so much for sharing and, yes, you definitely 100% are strong enough. we all are, we just have to work through love and not fear and hate and worry.
fondly and think you are special
crystal
wow, thanks for sharing. you sure have been haaving alot of growth spurts very recently. all in one it seems. i am sorry for your pain, i am sorry for all your experiences. we all have our stories, don't we? you do have alot on your plate right now. i was told that God doesnt give us anymore than we can handle. i know that at times, that does seem impossible. keep asking Him to guide you and to help you live through his love and just be open to possibilities. 50 miles out of your way -you sure didnt want to go to that meeting. isn't it crazy how sometimes the mind part is almost always hard than the actuality. it amazes. if i would just stay in the moment, be involved with what i am doing right now, alot of the pain and anguish goes away. i suggest THE POWER OF NOW book, sounds to me like it would hlep you so much right now with perspective and feeling good. (if you like to read) basically the book is about don't think about the past, learn by it dont think about the future it's not here yet. the only thing that is REAL is the present. look around, right now, right this minute - what is going on - i am in dark with a little light on and a big computer screen. i hear the clock ticking, the dog at my feet, the cats laying around, my daughter sleeping - the low quiet music in the ceiling. that is what is real. worrying about getting my daughter up and seeing if she has a fever and forcing her to go to school and worrying about walking the dog and if i have to cancel appts - that all may come real, but then again it may not. BE HERE NOW.
i feel for you and with what has been going on around you - you have done a terrific job. you didn't end up in jail, you didnt hurt anyone but yourself and you were and are there for all those people in your life. youcannot change them, you can only change yourself.
i'm real good at knowing this is how it works, if i could just put it in use all the time for myself, i would know ETERNAL PEACE here on earth.
thank you so much for sharing and, yes, you definitely 100% are strong enough. we all are, we just have to work through love and not fear and hate and worry.
fondly and think you are special
crystal
(((((sharon)))))
even in your angst, your words sing a beautiful song. it's so nice to hear from you.
you said:
"Anyway, I had to sign a 5 year contract with the board yesterday. I am so scared of messing up. Am I strong enough to stay clean for five years, am I strong enough to go back to work and have drugs so close and available. I just don't know."
how about just for today, honey - just for today?
much love and encouragement to you -
sammy
p.s. it sounds like a great plan that has been put in place. i did something very similar to what you spoke of. it is doable and so much is to be learned from this to allow our spirits to grow.
even in your angst, your words sing a beautiful song. it's so nice to hear from you.
you said:
"Anyway, I had to sign a 5 year contract with the board yesterday. I am so scared of messing up. Am I strong enough to stay clean for five years, am I strong enough to go back to work and have drugs so close and available. I just don't know."
how about just for today, honey - just for today?
much love and encouragement to you -
sammy
p.s. it sounds like a great plan that has been put in place. i did something very similar to what you spoke of. it is doable and so much is to be learned from this to allow our spirits to grow.
sammy
i hear what you say and i like it.
fondly, crystal
i hear what you say and i like it.
fondly, crystal
Hey Sharon, I don't have much time this morning, did not read all of the posts carefully. OK, they were kind of stern with you. They cannot be any other way. I see this as their having a huge sense of confidence in you. The random tests and the controls will keep you humble, but all of that stuff can be looked at as kind of a mandatory 9th step amends. See, you are moving through the steps faster than you thought!
Just remember to pick up 4 through 7--they are really important. I know you are jounalling and I would write as much as possible about shame and resentments as they come up. We both know that is in store for you, but those feelings are not facts. They simply need to be inventoried and dealt with.
Thanks again for the help last night.
August
Just remember to pick up 4 through 7--they are really important. I know you are jounalling and I would write as much as possible about shame and resentments as they come up. We both know that is in store for you, but those feelings are not facts. They simply need to be inventoried and dealt with.
Thanks again for the help last night.
August
