Cultivating Faith


in early sobriety my head would run twenty-four hours a day. i hadn't reached this point in my life at the tail-end of a winning streak. i had just lost a 27 year career, the most recent ex-wife was a few years removed, the daughters had not spoken to me in ages. my life, as i knew it, for all intent and purpose, was over. woe was me.

each day presented new challenges just to keep food in my belly and a roof over my head. each day i awoke with so much fear. that was the only constant in my life - the unrelenting fear. try though i may, i couldn't turn it off. it only seemed to increase with the passing of time. i would go to meetings and listen to people share about how wonderful their lives in recovery had become. their stories would only serve to inflame my anger and confusion. i was staying sober, one day at a time, but my life surely wasn't becoming wonderful, to say the very least! it was becoming agonizingly real and excruciatingly painful.

how could this be happening to me? how could my life be getting worse in recovery? where was my reward? why wasn't my life wonderful like all those people in the meetings?

looking back, i can appreciate that my expectations had been unreasonable. having spent a lifetime dedicated to the proposition of avoiding pain at all cost i was suddenly in more pain than i could even begin to imagine, both mentally and physically. there seemed to be no escape save to place my faith in some yet unknown power which was supposed to be greater than myself.

had this period in my recovery been painless there would have been no reason for me to cultivate such a faith. only in walking through this adversity, these seemingly insurmountable obstacles, and coming out the other side intact did i gradually begin to accept and trust that if i just continued to do the next right thing, despite my perceptions of doom, that everything would turn out precisely the way it was suppose to.

i would call my sponsor in a panic over the crisis du jour for which the only viable option seemed to be either suicide or a fistful of pills. his remonstrance was always the same..."you'll be fine, ron - you'll be fine." he would always tell me to just be still - to pray. hell, i didn't even know who or what i was praying to but i would follow his suggestion as best i could and not act upon my urge to kill myself or worse, to use.

over time i began to notice a pattern emerging. i would have one of those days, one of those days that i just knew i could not survive - the world would surely end, there would be no tomorrow - and yet, amazingly enough, a few days down the road i would find myself standing in a moment of tranquility. in that moment of peace i would suddenly realize that indeed i was okay, the world hadn't ended after all - i really was fine, just as my sponsor had promised.

a light went on in my drug addled brain. i came to believe that there truly was a power greater than myself and my fear began to subside. i began to trust that power implicitly - it has yet to let me down. today i know that i am always fine despite my perceptions to the contrary. today i am extremely grateful for the adversity in which my faith was forged.

if you're new and you're struggling, embrace this moment in your recovery as an opportunity for spiritual growth. trust the process, pray and continue to do the next right thing. do these things and i will give you my personal assurance that you'll be fine - you really will be fine.


*sdr*
GREAT post sdr.


thank you


Ali
SDR...Thanks for the post...I am in early recovery, 32 days..
and posts like that give me hope...

Doug
sdr: You have no idea how wonderful and timely this post is. After the evening I had it was a great time to find it... You always have such great words of wisdom and every time I see your name I roll up my sleeves and prepare to be awed by your E,H & S. ( or is E,S & H? ) Thank you so much

Kelly
.....today i am extremely grateful for the adversity in which my faith was forged.....

Sweetdaddy
I had to smile as I read your post.... and esp this sentence.. I have had many occasion to say simular words and others have looked at me like I was crazy... lol... well maybe I am for other reasons but your post sooo summed it up.... at one time I was living out of my car for a short period of time after having a good career and a home and all.... but yet looking back now.. I am grateful as well for it all... I am a stronger and better person... and with a faith that sustains me... recovery teaches us sooo much .. not just how to stay clean but how to live and be happy...

My sponsor used to really piss me off when she would do simular things that you described.. 'it will work out'.. 'youll be fine'.... why didnt she join me on my pitty pot...lol.. but I digress...

yep.. if you are new .. just take the leap of faith and know that ... trust that doing the next right thing.. one step at a time.. dont use .. things will fall into place just as they are meant to be....

Thanks Sweet for your post.. the more it is shown how it continues to work... well sometime I forget that.... so .. thank you..

Teresa
That is such an awesome post. Thank you very much. I NEEDED THAT!!! I can't really explain in words how that hit home with me, so I am just going to "Thank you", even if that seems so 'small' to me.

God Bless.

"the next right thing" is what has definately got me to where I am at today.
Good post.

Regards,
Tom


Gerard ;-)

Thanks for the message.

Faith without works is dead.

Rachel
Shorty I am leaving this morning to go visit my daughter who is just beginning her road to sobriety..60 days or so. I came here first to see if there were any nugget or gem of wisdom I could take along with me....this is it. thank you
I will print it out for her. I know her head is sometimes churnning with fear and doubt. She expressed over thanksgiving that the time is approaching where she gets "antsy". I know she's nervous and this will help. luv corrinne
SDR,thank you for your words of wisdom.It appears to have "hit the mark" with many of us.Its just reassuring to know we are not alone with our thoughts and fears,and that indeed we WILL be fine.~KIM
Thanks sdr. My former sponsor would always tell me to simply "pray and ask God to guide you to do the next right thing." I love that!

You bring a great message here.

Jim
Awesome.

Thank you for sharing that. It spoke volumes.