To see how erratic emotions victimized us often took a long time. We could perceive them quickly in others, but only slowly in ourselves. First of all, we had to admit that we had many of these defects, even though such disclosures were painful and humiliating. Where other people were concerned, we had to drop the word blame from our speech and thought. TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 47
When I did my Fourth Step, following the Big Book guidelines, I noticed that my grudge list was filled with my prejudices and my blaming others for my not being able to succeed and to live up to my potential. I also discovered I felt different because I was black. As I continued to work on the Step, I learned that I always had drunk to rid myself of those feelings. It was only when I sobered up and worked on my inventory, that I could no longer blame anyone.
Some of you close to me know that several weeks ago I went to visit a health services provider for some routine work, and was treated with hostility, irreverance, and plain bad manners. I apologized for anything I may have done to contribute to the problem (which was nothing), but held firm in my position that THEY were responsible for the problem (billing, etc.) and that I expected them to take responsibility for their mistake. Phone calls between provider and insurance, insurance and myself, blah, blah, blah, ensued, and in the end, the problem was resolved.
Not too very long ago I would have told them exactly who's fault it was, how far away it was, how to get there, what route to take, who should do it, and when resolution would be expected. And UP YOURS IF I EVER COME BACK!
Well, I went back yesterday for the service I was supposed to get, and was asked whether the issue had been a nightmare, whether it was resolved, and "wasn't I pissed off at the insurance carrier?" Well, it WASN'T the carrier's fault, it was theirs. Solely. However, rather than dredge up the "Blame Game," I simply said that it was water under the bridge and that I was grateful it had been settled, and thanks for their help.
Not too many of you will understand how MUCH of a transformation that is for me, but trust me. I had been all about accountability--because YOU were incompetent and I was sure to point it out. Just keeping my mouth shut is a major hurdle!
Amen Skg!!! Like I have said before I don't do the steps but I have learned invaluable things from you all here.
Blame is definitely a huge one. I always blamed outside influences. I kept a tape constantly running in my head of all of the things that contributed to my self destructiveness. Key word is Self. At the time I didn't see it. Unless you live in a cult somewhere no one or no thing can control your behavior. It's all you baby!
Thanks again for giving me some brain food SKG!!!
Have a great day pal! :-)
P.S. When you get a chance will you put any of your pics of flowers on your weblink so I can take a gander at them? You take amazing photos pal!
What a great living example of how it works when you work it! Thanks for sharing that SKG...Reflecting on how I'd handle the situation, being a good coda, I would and probably still would say whatever appeased the person I spoke to..."nah, it was the insurance company's fault" if talking to the clinic personnel and "nah, it was the clinic's fault" when talking to the insurance company. Every day brings more clarity about how my alcoholism and codependency are intertwined.
I second Valarie's sentiment...thanks for giving me some food for thought.
I love blaming other people and situations for my hard times. Nothing is ever MY fault. However, I hear my sponsor's voice saying "whose fault is it really?" and I am able to see what my part is. I hate that. But I do it anyway. For most of my adult life I blamed my mother for everything. It was her fault that my parents were divorced shortly after I was born. It was my father's fault that I had been divorced a few times (hehe) It was my rapists' faults that I couldn't have a healthy relationship, and on and on. Recovery taught me to look at how I was handling situations. If I could accept that these things happened and stop blaming my life on them I was a much happier person. Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. My reactions to things have changed. I can accept almost anything if I can't change it. I don't have to like it, I just have to accept that yes, these things happened so what am I going to do about them? Am I going to dwell on the past and make my life miserable or am I going to let them go and enjoy today? I prefer to let them go. It took a lot of practice to learnt to not dwell on misfortune but doesn't everyone have bad things happen to them? I have a friend who's 4 month old baby is diagnosed with leukemia and it's in her chromosones and she probably won't live. OMG I never had anything that bad happen to me. I have so much to be grateful for. Some days I have to remind myself to be grateful, some days it just comes natural. Practice, practice, practice, I hear my sponsor say. So I practice and old habits change and life is good most of the time. We are all works in progress and we all have so much to learn but as long as we remain teachable we all have a chance.
I am learning to be accepting and it makes life a lot easier and less stressful. However when it came to the blame game mostly I blamed myself for things even out of my control I found some way to make it my fault.
I can identify with that pirate....my ex blames everyone else for everything...whereas I've always blamed myself for everything...from cursing myself for an idiot if I dropped a pen through to failing to stop Blair winning his second two elections....lol...but the "voices" were way down in my subconscious, underneath the dominant stream of consciousness....once everything imploded I started to hear them breaking through and realised I'm a little more complicated than I'd thought...lol....My revoery involves gently silencing those voices and placing responsibility for abuse where it belongs..with the abusers in my childhood and my recent life.....AND accepting MY responsibility for allowing myself to be abused....the survivor isn't responsible for the abuse....and it's vital that we/they HEAR that message in our/their bones....but the paradox is that we will be safer, healthier and happier in the future if we take responsibility for dong our best to prevent it recurring.....
Either way, the title of the thread is RIGHT....blame is a no-win game. AND placing accountability and responsibility where they belong is crucial.
When we give blame is giving up responsibility to something/someone we usuallly have no control over. When this happens, we are lose our ability to do something positive. A lesson I am still learning.
In life we slip, jump, or are thrown into pits. At some point it is our responsibility to get out of the pit. Or we can stay there in the pit forever and die. It's our choice. Of course there is action needed. Yet, the time table is not set in stone. As long as there is breath there is hope.
Jeeze, ZAC! LOL I checked on "The Bird," position--had to take your inventory, don't you know? It just doesn't WORK if I point the palm of my had pointing out, does it?
VWGirl. That happens alot, doesn't it? Seems we alcoholics share some common recovery tools... LOL I read the D.R., well, DAILY. Like the Big Book, everytime I read it I find something entirely new, fresh, and spiritually fitting--as long as I am fit to be spiritual...
Palm pointing out,,,,,,na it just doesnt work the bird is more effective palm pointing in.....if that was a joke to get me sitting down giving the bird to myself ...the bugga worked, palm out LMAO ..!.. LOL
light and love zac
As a scientific experiment who reckons palm out or palm in when giving the bird or flipping the middle finger at someone, not saying that is what we all do but just as a matter of interest
skg sometimes blame is deserved and fitting and placed where it belongs.I am at NO TIME in my life going to release the blame toward the man who raped my daughter and think I don't blame him for what he have done to her,what he have done to our family what pain and heartache and misery his actions have caused. I WILL BLAME HIM until the day I die because he is the ONE to blame. Will we get over it,will we recover? yes we will. but INITIALLY the blame is on him for bringing this turmoil to us in the first place.I will not use that blame to further my drinking career or to add to the misery that he have caused . I know if I drink it is my doings not his and he can't be blamed for my drinking BUT for everything else that we have had to deal with the blame belongs and stays where it should as far as I am concerned and that is with HIM.I might sound like a raving lunatic but then again as an alcoholic I can declare insanity in my defense. Take care and have a great day.
