I don't know what to do or think anymore and I have no one to talk to .....
5 months ago I (29) started dating this amazing guy (32) who was everything I could've asked for in a person. We fell hard and fast for each other. He brought me around to meet his family (and they are just as amazing, and he doesn't usually bring girls to meet his family so it was a big deal and showed how serious he was about me).
Everything was going great for a few months until he started acting weird. I smoked weed back in high school but never was exposed to any other drug so I was nave to the signs. He started losing weight, nodding off with lit cigarettes in his hand or in mid conversation. He just started a new job so he would blame it on being really tired and that he'd been having trouble falling asleep lately. I thought to myself "ok, he isn't getting much sleep and he is working all day, he must be exhausted!!" but it just didn't seem like just being tired, it seemed more like he was under the influence of something.
He started becoming more sneaky and making excuses why it would take him 2hrs to get to my house when he lived 10 mins away. It was always an excuse "Oh I had to get gas", "I had to drop off my friend at his house", "I had to help my step mom with something".
So I began to "snoop" around. He always carried this book bag with him and would take it EVERYWHERE. If he had to run out to his car for something he would take his book bag with him. One day I sent him to the store and he forgot to take it with him so I began to open up zippers and look around not really knowing what I was looking for or what id find.
Inside an empty cig pack was a syringe, bag of brown "powder" and a little aluminum thing that I later found out was called a "cooker". My heart dropped and I immediately started bawling. When he came back I heard him rushing up the stairs like he knew he messed up not taking his book bag with him. He started crying, asking me not to leave him that he loved me so much and if he was afraid of losing me if he told me. All the things he mentioned about wanting to get married and starting a family was all true and he never met some1 that he wanted those things with until he met me. And I felt the same about him. Ive never felt this way about anyone ever.
He admitted to going thru detox twice before and he went in again the very nxt morning. He only stayed for a week. During that week I confided in my best friend about what had happened. She used to date one (a heroin addict) a long time ago so she immediately jumped into bashing mode. He's a piece of garbage for not telling you, he's gona break your heart mel, its only been 5 months you're with him so u have no history with him that you'd have to stay ,hes gona continue to lie to you and he'll start to steal from you too. *** By the way, $10 was missing from my wallet two weeks before this happened and I just thought I lost it or misplaced it, not the case, he admitted to taking it :( ***
I want to stay with him and help him with whatever he needs but he has continued to lie to me, he used dope three days after detox. He says I'm a big reason he wants to get clean but I know he needs to want to do this for himself!!! I've been reading story after story on the internet about pp. saying "run the other way, its a lost case, they'll never change" . I cant talk to my best friend bc all she does is bash him and it infuriates me bc she doesn't know him like I do. and I cant talk to my mom bc she'll judge him and stereotype him as one of those "junkies" portrayed on tv.
I know he wants to get clean but I also know he lies. He says if we were to start a family he would never let his child or myself do without and he'd take care of his family and that he needs my support and understanding. I don't want to feel like I'm turning my back on him if I walk away. i understand its a battle they will face everyday of their lives but I'm stressing myself crying myself to sleep every night worrying if he "slips" up again if he will OD. I tell him my worries and all he can do is apologize. He's not keeping up with his meetings and i don't know what to do.
I love him so much and he wants everything i want out of life but I don't know if he will continue to choose heroin over a lifetime of happiness with me ... but from what I've read, he will never really be truly happy no matter what. I don't know!!!! please someone, help. :(
It is not true that he will never be truly happy no matter what, it is not true that 'once a junkie always a junkie' . What seems to be true, and sounds selfish (but it is not, at least not in the negative sense,) is that an addict may want to get clean for his girlfriend, wife , children parents, his job or anything or anybody else; but he/she can only get truly clean for himself- then the rest falls into place.
Getting clean involves a lot more than not using. To borrow an alcoholicst term, that simply results in a 'dry drunk.' It is better than using, especially to loved ones. But the addict remains in a dry state, and all the things that led him to find relief in drugs still exist within him.
To learn to live a truly happy meaningful life, inside and out, the addict must work a program of recovery.
Getting clean involves a lot more than not using. To borrow an alcoholicst term, that simply results in a 'dry drunk.' It is better than using, especially to loved ones. But the addict remains in a dry state, and all the things that led him to find relief in drugs still exist within him.
To learn to live a truly happy meaningful life, inside and out, the addict must work a program of recovery.
Hi Mel,
I wrote a note for you yesterday and then I lost it all, dang this thing! Brown Dog hit it right on the head. You gut is right and unless he has had enough of what addiction has,and will do to him, he will not quit. Be supportive, but don't enable him.
If he goes to jail, leave him there.It may save his life.
It really depends on how far into this addiction he is, and from what you say it is opiates. That in itself is bad and very hard to kick. Read in the heroin board and the methadone board for all the good advice clean opiate addicts can give you. Most will tell you to run the other way before it drags you down with it. Addicts have a tendancy to do that with those who love and care about them because they are thinking they are helping. You are not.
If you havent read "let me fall all by myself" on this site by MomNMore, please do.
I also suggest you go to the Families/partners of addicts board and talk to the wonderful gals there.
good luck and hang tough.
granny
I wrote a note for you yesterday and then I lost it all, dang this thing! Brown Dog hit it right on the head. You gut is right and unless he has had enough of what addiction has,and will do to him, he will not quit. Be supportive, but don't enable him.
If he goes to jail, leave him there.It may save his life.
It really depends on how far into this addiction he is, and from what you say it is opiates. That in itself is bad and very hard to kick. Read in the heroin board and the methadone board for all the good advice clean opiate addicts can give you. Most will tell you to run the other way before it drags you down with it. Addicts have a tendancy to do that with those who love and care about them because they are thinking they are helping. You are not.
If you havent read "let me fall all by myself" on this site by MomNMore, please do.
I also suggest you go to the Families/partners of addicts board and talk to the wonderful gals there.
good luck and hang tough.
granny
Robin when i read your post i felt your sincerity you are being wise by asking and investigating further you and your family life depends on it. Your child relies upon you and the decisions you make will be forever effecting him/her. The best thing you can do for your family first then yourself is take a break from this relationship take time to seek out counsel and go to al non meetings to get more insight and do not follow your heart think of your precious child who deserves all the chance in life to have a healthy life the choices adults make selfishly do effect their children and the rest of their precious lives. There are healthier ways to meeting someone give yourself an opportunity to be a healthy women and then the right person will come give yourself the best chance at life just walk away now and save your family and yourself the ruin!
Hi .. I'm engaged to an alcoholic and cocaine addict. We're getting married in 2months. He is the love of my life. But he thinks he can recover on his own. He's been in many rehabs before. I'm so frightened and don't know how to even talk to him anymore. I am heart broken, scared.
I was in a year long relationship with a man who professed to love me forever. Great in all ways except as we lived hours apart,, it seemed his family was more of a priority and kept saying how much he owed them. After a year I figured it was time to talk about our future as he kept saying we would marry one day. I could not understand his need for such solo time but was understanding that he worked hard. After talking, on line, about the fact that I had a surgery and a birthday that he cancelled coming over,, he confessed he has past issues he needed to speak to me about face to face. Next time we were on line chatting he said he could not do this anymore,, and that he was a recovering crack addict. 6 years clean, but multitude of mental health issues during that recovery time. I was floored! He gave NO hint that this was what he was facing. He said he had to be selfish, felt he was pulled in all directions, and could not do this relationship anymore. Prior to this he kept telling me I was the most understanding person he has ever met and he was so lucky to have me. He told me during the breakup he had nothing to offer me and was done. The fact he did nto even have the decency to do this face to face, or kept this huge part of him a secret from me has floored me and crushed me. Was I used all this time? He told me often he never stays in a long term relationship or girlfriend because he knows himself enough that he can not do it. But also said that was until he met me. We are middle age,, not kids. Does anyone have any insight into this?! I am struggling in a big way to understand and not hate him for putting me through this. Had he told me at the start I might have made a different decision, or at least been more aware of his recovery and issues. I felt I never had a chance.
I am so sorry Joan. being with someone who has an addiction problem, past or present can certainly be difficult. Even someone who has many years clean and/or sober has to work on that part of their life almost daily ,or there is the chance of relapse.
Please go to the family/partners board here for better help.
Good luck.
Granny
Please go to the family/partners board here for better help.
Good luck.
Granny
ARGHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
ARGHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
ARRGGHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!
Rant over!!!!!
Eck
xxxxxxx
Hey you troops!!
Well really theres no hope for any of us so you run girl,,don't look back just run before the 10 bucks becomes another 10 or perhaps 20,,its maybe a good thing that you don't have much history,n,although this post was started,n,filled with sarcasm please don't you dare even think of starting a family bcoz believe me while he,s still wrestling with his demons King Henry will come before any marriage or kids..
Now im pissed right off bcoz I do feel I have a lot to offer a girl,n,im still gonna try,n,be a worthwhile person though believe me sometimes these boards,our lifelines at times can kick us so hard with what we read that our balls hurt..
Take it easy everyone..
Eck..
ps,,,I think maybe a wee hit record before we are decent people again eh!!
Mull of Kintyre,all mist rollin in from the sea,ma desire,,Oh Mull O"Kintyre!1
Well really theres no hope for any of us so you run girl,,don't look back just run before the 10 bucks becomes another 10 or perhaps 20,,its maybe a good thing that you don't have much history,n,although this post was started,n,filled with sarcasm please don't you dare even think of starting a family bcoz believe me while he,s still wrestling with his demons King Henry will come before any marriage or kids..
Now im pissed right off bcoz I do feel I have a lot to offer a girl,n,im still gonna try,n,be a worthwhile person though believe me sometimes these boards,our lifelines at times can kick us so hard with what we read that our balls hurt..
Take it easy everyone..
Eck..
ps,,,I think maybe a wee hit record before we are decent people again eh!!
Mull of Kintyre,all mist rollin in from the sea,ma desire,,Oh Mull O"Kintyre!1
hI eCKIE, hOW ARE YA?? dOING WELL i HOPE.
Re-reading some of these posts makes me come to one conclusion. When you are newly in to recovery, STAY AWAY FROM RELATIONSHIPS!!!!!!
The last thing you need on your plate and in your life is to try and handle a relationship with another person, let alone another person trying to figure out what the hell happened to their lives. Addiction causes all sorts of problems as most of you know, and to be able to contribute something positive and really healthy to a relationship will be harder than you know. Your life has been turned upside down during your addiction and it will take everything you have to make it right again. It will take time to find answers to your questions, time to work on you, and eventually your family and loved ones. The last thing you need is to add a new "someone" to the mix and give them all they need.
Take the time to fix yourself and what is important in your life before you even think of adding a new person in your life. From experience I know. And even though your brain tells you it'll work out, your addiction track record proves otherwise.We are all about us. Our addict brains are also pretty stupid and have been lying and misleading us for years, so why would you decide to listen to yourself now??
Give yourself and that new person in recovery a chance to get some really good sobriety and clean time in for him or her self before you start trying to begin a healthy relationship. Hopefully others will do the same for you and give you the time and space you need. If it is truly meant to be it will still be there when you can actually give it the time and clean brain it needs.
Re-reading some of these posts makes me come to one conclusion. When you are newly in to recovery, STAY AWAY FROM RELATIONSHIPS!!!!!!
The last thing you need on your plate and in your life is to try and handle a relationship with another person, let alone another person trying to figure out what the hell happened to their lives. Addiction causes all sorts of problems as most of you know, and to be able to contribute something positive and really healthy to a relationship will be harder than you know. Your life has been turned upside down during your addiction and it will take everything you have to make it right again. It will take time to find answers to your questions, time to work on you, and eventually your family and loved ones. The last thing you need is to add a new "someone" to the mix and give them all they need.
Take the time to fix yourself and what is important in your life before you even think of adding a new person in your life. From experience I know. And even though your brain tells you it'll work out, your addiction track record proves otherwise.We are all about us. Our addict brains are also pretty stupid and have been lying and misleading us for years, so why would you decide to listen to yourself now??
Give yourself and that new person in recovery a chance to get some really good sobriety and clean time in for him or her self before you start trying to begin a healthy relationship. Hopefully others will do the same for you and give you the time and space you need. If it is truly meant to be it will still be there when you can actually give it the time and clean brain it needs.
Starting a relationship with someone who is in the depths of a heroin habit isnt fair . The person usually is blinded by love or thinks that they can help *(Florence Nightingale syndrome)
The addict although filled with guilt,,really cant help it and will continue to deceive. The person who loves the addict,,really doesn't want to believe they are being lied to- -so things can get ugly.
The addict usually starts off with good intentions,,not meaning to hurt anyone,,and probably meaning to get clean before things get serious.- -
I wont say run,,but I can tell ya..be careful...Once an dope addict has a good partner, and a legal source of income, they can really hurt you without meaning too at all.--
to be cont,d
jack
The addict although filled with guilt,,really cant help it and will continue to deceive. The person who loves the addict,,really doesn't want to believe they are being lied to- -so things can get ugly.
The addict usually starts off with good intentions,,not meaning to hurt anyone,,and probably meaning to get clean before things get serious.- -
I wont say run,,but I can tell ya..be careful...Once an dope addict has a good partner, and a legal source of income, they can really hurt you without meaning too at all.--
to be cont,d
jack
aHEY JACK.GRANNY
I agree wi yeez guys but sometimes these pages just make us useless scumbags that should be avoided at all costs,,,that frustrates me at times,especially when the same people are tellin you how good a dude ye are,n,especially as yer embracing any help that's going out there..
Aww f,seriously it makes me wonder why we visit these pages..Especially when your tryin to find some kind of normality at times..
Don't hide everyone though,lest all get brutally honest with each other,n,lets not spit the dummy-t** out any further than possible...Whos 1st ???? eck
I agree wi yeez guys but sometimes these pages just make us useless scumbags that should be avoided at all costs,,,that frustrates me at times,especially when the same people are tellin you how good a dude ye are,n,especially as yer embracing any help that's going out there..
Aww f,seriously it makes me wonder why we visit these pages..Especially when your tryin to find some kind of normality at times..
Don't hide everyone though,lest all get brutally honest with each other,n,lets not spit the dummy-t** out any further than possible...Whos 1st ???? eck
I've got to respond to whoever it was that said something LIKE ALL HEROIN ADDICTS (the context was heroin addicts in recovery) are garbage or sociopaths or whatever.
BESIDES BEING COMPLETELY FALSE, it is slanderous , offensive and detrimental.
If what you say is true <I question ur credibility, anyone making such a blatantly false statement is either intentionally ignorant, or a liar> the guy is a piece of $hit & has been long before he ever used. Even if he is clean, he is not in recovery. It is more like he is in anti-recovery.
Recovery encompasses learning to be a good person, not a person who betrays those who love them , and laughs at their pain. Who he is and how he acts has no relationship to past use of heroin- if he even used it. Based on what u said, he could have made that up, so he'd have something to say when he goes to aa/na meetings to pick up girls.
I understand you are hurting, but that is no excuse to slander 1000's or more good people who are recovering addicts that used to abuse heroin.
BY THE WAY, i HAVE NEVER come close to posting something so harsh as this. BUT WHAT U SAID IS SO EVIL, THIS IS THE ONLY APPROPRIATE RESPONSE.
BESIDES BEING COMPLETELY FALSE, it is slanderous , offensive and detrimental.
If what you say is true <I question ur credibility, anyone making such a blatantly false statement is either intentionally ignorant, or a liar> the guy is a piece of $hit & has been long before he ever used. Even if he is clean, he is not in recovery. It is more like he is in anti-recovery.
Recovery encompasses learning to be a good person, not a person who betrays those who love them , and laughs at their pain. Who he is and how he acts has no relationship to past use of heroin- if he even used it. Based on what u said, he could have made that up, so he'd have something to say when he goes to aa/na meetings to pick up girls.
I understand you are hurting, but that is no excuse to slander 1000's or more good people who are recovering addicts that used to abuse heroin.
BY THE WAY, i HAVE NEVER come close to posting something so harsh as this. BUT WHAT U SAID IS SO EVIL, THIS IS THE ONLY APPROPRIATE RESPONSE.
BROWNDOG
Do me a favour mate,n,try,n,make it clear for me here who you mean in yer comment..It looks like we have gotta wee bit of a debate going here but I need to be clear about who you mean by in your comment so I don't say the wrong thing in my reply and also that my reply is not being misunderstood also....
ECK
Do me a favour mate,n,try,n,make it clear for me here who you mean in yer comment..It looks like we have gotta wee bit of a debate going here but I need to be clear about who you mean by in your comment so I don't say the wrong thing in my reply and also that my reply is not being misunderstood also....
ECK
Diane, posted on July 8th, 2013. I know it was a while back, but I just started reading all the responses on this one. I was just going to blow it of, but it was one of those things that stuck in my head. The more I thought about it, the more pissed I got. It 'feels' like I may have over reacted, (I don't like to negatively criticize people) but I think I'm on the money in what I said and how I said it. It is out of character for me,.
Browndog
Got ye now mate,i went back,n,read it myself,,i believe we r singing from the same hymn sheet here,,i agree the guy was probably a piece of s*** long before he met her...
Also,i think we all know,at least anyone that's went to meetings that there is people that go there lookin fr vulnerable women..Its disgusting to be honest..but its up to everyone to be careful,n,dont just jump in to a relationship with ANYONE....not just users in recovery..
Anyway,,thanks fr that browndog,speak soon buddy.......ECK....
Got ye now mate,i went back,n,read it myself,,i believe we r singing from the same hymn sheet here,,i agree the guy was probably a piece of s*** long before he met her...
Also,i think we all know,at least anyone that's went to meetings that there is people that go there lookin fr vulnerable women..Its disgusting to be honest..but its up to everyone to be careful,n,dont just jump in to a relationship with ANYONE....not just users in recovery..
Anyway,,thanks fr that browndog,speak soon buddy.......ECK....
Hi Eckie,
I reread some of what you are talking about. All I said was that for ANYONE that is newly into recovery it is suggested( by AA and NA and all other programs) that they not get involved in a new realationship for at least the first year.
I thought I knew everything when I tried real recovery the first or second time and tried to add a man to the mix. I meant well at least. It got both of us kicked out of the program because of their "no fraternizing" rule.
I had no right to interfere with the program he was trying to work to get clean and neither of us stayed clean behind it.
Most addicts brains are scrambled to say the least when we try to get clean and how can you make an attempt at getting a relationship to work when you are in that state??
granny
I reread some of what you are talking about. All I said was that for ANYONE that is newly into recovery it is suggested( by AA and NA and all other programs) that they not get involved in a new realationship for at least the first year.
I thought I knew everything when I tried real recovery the first or second time and tried to add a man to the mix. I meant well at least. It got both of us kicked out of the program because of their "no fraternizing" rule.
I had no right to interfere with the program he was trying to work to get clean and neither of us stayed clean behind it.
Most addicts brains are scrambled to say the least when we try to get clean and how can you make an attempt at getting a relationship to work when you are in that state??
granny
Hi Granny
Ok,,yes we need time to work on ourselves but to say we,ll never be no use to no one then theres no point as far as im concerned..
Im sick of being on my own,,i do like my own company but not all the time..N,i just think that I can be good company fr someone out there..You take care Granny....ECK
Ok,,yes we need time to work on ourselves but to say we,ll never be no use to no one then theres no point as far as im concerned..
Im sick of being on my own,,i do like my own company but not all the time..N,i just think that I can be good company fr someone out there..You take care Granny....ECK
So im extremely afraid of needles, like i pass out at the doctor when i get shots or see anyone else get one. So its weird because my boyfriend and I have been dating for somewhere around 4 months now, hes a recovered addict of heroine and he injected it. I'll never understand what he went through, but i just want to know everything there is to know about all of it without experiencing it myself obviously. This has been his first months back home and far so good. He only used for a few months and then went though a 12 step rehab program where there he refused all detox things (like he told them he wanted to quit cold turkey) and stayed there voluntarily for 6 months. He said it was the most painful thing hes ever been through. Were both young, im an engineering student in college (yea its rare to have a girl in engineering i know) and ive never done anything more than drink alcohol ever in my life, not a ciggarette, no weed, nothing. Ive been friends with this kid in high school and from our friendship we had developed over the years its been interesting seeing the journey hes been through. He had always been one of the smartest people ive ever known, so it shocked me when he told me he was an addict the day he left for rehab. I had already liked him well before he started using, Apparently while he was using he was very good at hiding it and was sober around me whenever we hung out. But I was crushed when i found out the truth but after a recent dealing with helping a family friend through getting over hard drugs i knew i couldnt stop talking to him because I knew I was one of the good guys. I hadent heard from him for 2 months or so while he was gone and I would just wait for the day hed call me or something and when he finally did he was exactly who i thought he was all along. And he still is to this day. He is back living at home, got a well paying full time job and is going back to school for engineering as well next semester. I know im not stupid for being with him, however i dont want people to think of him differently than how i see him, so we just dont tell anyone about his past and sure enough everyone likes him. Being an extremely nieeve person to the world of drugs i cant help but wonder about it though. Ever since he told me about all this Ive been looking up everything there is to know about what im getting myself into and i can tell you i know all the signs, he answers all my questions like who were your dealers where did that happen whod you do it with and he answered all of them, he told me all the signs he knows he had. it scares me when we talk about that part of his life, like i get a lot of anxiety and it scares the s*** out of me because he is everything i could ever want except this one flaw. But hey i believe him and look out for anything suspicious and so far nothing has set off any warning signs, and trust me im a good investigator, nothing passes me. I think he will be ok tho if this relationship works out in the long run, which i think it will, because he says the best feeling in the world is waking up and only needing a cup of coffee, being addicted to heroine is like losing your freedom and putting yourself in jail. But really my biggest fear is if i do end up being with him, i dont wanna be 40 left alone with children and an addict of a husband, but all i can do is just support him with being the man i know he is.
I dated for 8 months addict on recovery cocain,,,Everything start so nice and fast(now i sow many of this guys do it this way)hi dump me after 3 months then come back then again leave then come back and again for last leave,It was my stupidity to take him back but i was blind,,,,Never ever date addict recovery or not their minds are damaged so deeply,also they start using it bcoz of some inner issues usually,so after intoxication this issues are much more mess and deep...They are completely selfish which has nothing to do with love!
Remember the good things never feel bad!Run and find someone who is never been addict,Recovery is for life so if you stay you have to know you are second never the first!This is not love and happiness!
Remember the good things never feel bad!Run and find someone who is never been addict,Recovery is for life so if you stay you have to know you are second never the first!This is not love and happiness!
