Ok so I am now on day seven 6 hours and 13 minutes hee hee I guess you get my point. Today is a big struggle for me and I don't know why. I stayed with my parents this weekend since we got clobbered with snow and my husband was out of town. My mom had the kids Friday but by Saturday the worst of the wds were past and I thought it would be better if I got up and did something so I cleaned my whole house and washed everything on the bed since you know how those sweats can be Yuck! and I headed to moms. Well in case I have not mentioned my Mom is sick with lung cancer We are all putting all our hope and faith in the Lord and just pray for her recovery, I mean she is my best friend and I mean that we do everything together but she also is what holds our family together gets everyone home for the holidays you know the drill at any rate she has alot of medicines in the house right now and I must have walked past those bottles 100 times this weekend but I never touched a single pill. But when I left and I had packed the kids in the car and started out on the treacherous streets to go food shopping I found myself thinking Oh I wish I had some pills for tonight I am so achy and tired they would just revive me. I hate having to feel that. Its like I just want that "AH.." feeling you know. I am not craving the pills I am craving the good feeling they gave me does this make sense? Especially for those who have a long time under their belt I ask you this? What do you look forward to? Perhaps tommorow I will feel different but I just hate the feeling I am having right now.
Hangin in there barely
Roxy
Roxy,
Give yourself big pats on the back for walking past those bottles...Yes I do know that "AH" feeling and it can come from living life without the pills...I look forward to each new day clean...I look forward to being with my kids and grandkids...I want some of the good life, plain and simple...they say you reap what you sow...I try for the most part to live life fully each day and it's when I get lazy that the pill thoughts nag at me...I think I always wanted the easy way...the fast return...but that way comes with too steep a price to pay...and it is all fake anyway...
You are doing awesome...it gets better, it really does...be kind to yourself....
So sorry about your Mama...
Jan
Give yourself big pats on the back for walking past those bottles...Yes I do know that "AH" feeling and it can come from living life without the pills...I look forward to each new day clean...I look forward to being with my kids and grandkids...I want some of the good life, plain and simple...they say you reap what you sow...I try for the most part to live life fully each day and it's when I get lazy that the pill thoughts nag at me...I think I always wanted the easy way...the fast return...but that way comes with too steep a price to pay...and it is all fake anyway...
You are doing awesome...it gets better, it really does...be kind to yourself....
So sorry about your Mama...
Jan
Jan thanks so much for your reply. I have been taking the supplements Ali recommended but I was taking those the last time I fell off the wagon so I am hoping this time will be better.
Thanks
Roxy
Thanks
Roxy
Hello Roxy
You ask
I look forward to being able to wake up without the fear and panic of not knowing if I'm going to cave and take a pill.
It didn't happen through osmosis either.I had to take action.
I started going to F2F meetings and being around other recovering addicts who were going through the same thing.I had to swallow my pride and realize I couldn't do this alone.
I commend you for not stealing those pain pills but how long can that last? Unless you can pick up a phone,call a sponsor and say"Hey,I was really tempted today and wanted to take a pill,what do you suggest I do?"
Some people can do this through willpower alone.I was not one of those.Those pills sitting by my mothers bed would have turned into an obsession if I made no attempt to take some action.
I don't know what this is going to be like for you but I got tired of the constant fight.I finally surrendered and decided my way had quit working and looked for guidance.That's when things started getting better.
This doesn't have to be a grueling,bite nailing journey.It's your decision to turn it around.
You ask
| QUOTE |
| Especially for those who have a long time under their belt I ask you this? What do you look forward to? |
I look forward to being able to wake up without the fear and panic of not knowing if I'm going to cave and take a pill.
It didn't happen through osmosis either.I had to take action.
I started going to F2F meetings and being around other recovering addicts who were going through the same thing.I had to swallow my pride and realize I couldn't do this alone.
I commend you for not stealing those pain pills but how long can that last? Unless you can pick up a phone,call a sponsor and say"Hey,I was really tempted today and wanted to take a pill,what do you suggest I do?"
Some people can do this through willpower alone.I was not one of those.Those pills sitting by my mothers bed would have turned into an obsession if I made no attempt to take some action.
I don't know what this is going to be like for you but I got tired of the constant fight.I finally surrendered and decided my way had quit working and looked for guidance.That's when things started getting better.
This doesn't have to be a grueling,bite nailing journey.It's your decision to turn it around.
HI Roxy,
I am on day 15 and I feel your pain. I was just telling my husband this morning that I know I won't ever have that buzzy warm feeling again, but I sure wish I could feel better then this. I keep hoping it will get better, I feel nauseated all the time. I took some of the adrenal support and I do think that helped a little but I started my period and think my hormones are messed up bad. I haven't been through this before so I can't give you any advice that would count, but I can tell you to keep going and don't look back. Please don't give up, You guys are all my insipiration and I keep hoping that eventually I will feel good again. i am still alive and still glad I did it. 7 days is way to far to turn back now. You are so much stronger then I was at seven days, I could never of cleaned my house at that point. I know this isn't much help but please hang in there with me. Someone told me that mentally we will feel so much better when we aren't chained to this drug anymore. You don't want a little pill controlling your life so you have to take the control back....and say no. L
I am on day 15 and I feel your pain. I was just telling my husband this morning that I know I won't ever have that buzzy warm feeling again, but I sure wish I could feel better then this. I keep hoping it will get better, I feel nauseated all the time. I took some of the adrenal support and I do think that helped a little but I started my period and think my hormones are messed up bad. I haven't been through this before so I can't give you any advice that would count, but I can tell you to keep going and don't look back. Please don't give up, You guys are all my insipiration and I keep hoping that eventually I will feel good again. i am still alive and still glad I did it. 7 days is way to far to turn back now. You are so much stronger then I was at seven days, I could never of cleaned my house at that point. I know this isn't much help but please hang in there with me. Someone told me that mentally we will feel so much better when we aren't chained to this drug anymore. You don't want a little pill controlling your life so you have to take the control back....and say no. L
Tim
Thanks for your straight forwardness I know I need to hear it I know telling everyone is the thing to do to keep me in the right path but I can't bear to do this I am going to try this one more time and hopefully the last alone, well with this board. I have met a lot of good people here over the few times I have tried to quit and I know I can get the support I need thru here for now, if it becomes to much for me I will have to deal with that. I need to go to the baby now so I will be back later
Roxy
Thanks for your straight forwardness I know I need to hear it I know telling everyone is the thing to do to keep me in the right path but I can't bear to do this I am going to try this one more time and hopefully the last alone, well with this board. I have met a lot of good people here over the few times I have tried to quit and I know I can get the support I need thru here for now, if it becomes to much for me I will have to deal with that. I need to go to the baby now so I will be back later
Roxy
Its normal to feel like that Roxy. I did too for a while. But I had to quit I mean legally had to quit. And actually it helped to know I had to test weekly. The thing that kept me going was well.....using again eventually. But I kept going to all the classes AA and like things that they included in my probation and guess what it worked. Somehow through all of that it worked. I soon let go of the feeling and I had a long cry over it. I actually said to someone "I will never get to get high again." and It was a tremendous loss in my head at that time. So I cried and accepted the fact that I couldn't use again. But then somewhere in my head things changed and over time I realized I did not want to use again. Why don't you buy some AA literature and read it. Or NA or whatever. Or get to some meetings. Even staying on here and eventually changing your mind that your not a slave to this drug anymore. It doesn't happen over night. I am glad to see you are back. I kept looking for you for a while ...but I am so glad you are back do things differently this time the surrender feels so good. Just surrender that you can't and don't want to live this way anymore. Just keep plugging along it will happen eventually. But reading and or going to a meeting will help so much!
Love,
Jane
******Edited to say. hey Rox I have been clean since July 04 30 months. It does get better and you will get to a poitn where you hardly think about it at all.
Love,
Jane
******Edited to say. hey Rox I have been clean since July 04 30 months. It does get better and you will get to a poitn where you hardly think about it at all.
Jane I so hoped to hear from you again. Your story was so inspirational to me, I mean you have really been thru it, and the truth is I could have been there at any time, no I never forged a script or doctor shopped (my doctor supplied me just fine) but I stole Boy how I stole!! I would go out every Sunday to open houses and look thru the cabinets and of course looking at me driving up in a Lexus they never had a clue, in the beginning I would say I will only take pills that they have had for a while but soon I was grabbing the bottle and just sticking it in my purse. I had a few instances where I swore I was being watched but that still did not deter me. I have not done that in a while but I have stole from friends and family. Whew so there it is I used to think I wish maybe I would get caught maybe it would feel good to get it out but I never did so I am here trying for my third time. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that I don't want to look back on my children's life and think I was high for all of it.
L I am sorry I meant to respond to you earlier but usually I can only get on the computer when my 8 year old isn't on it and even then the three year old one always wants to press the keys Yikes. Anyway I am glad you tried the adrenal support I also use Gaba at night helps with sleeping. I started the pills almost twenty years ago (yes I was only 5 when I started hee hee) I had severe back problems but once they were improved I just kept taking the drugs. I would ration myself depending on the amount I got so it always changed. When I just quit I was taking 4 lortabs a day along with 6 somas and 20 222's ( It is a over the counter medication with a very low amount of codeine you can only get it in Canada which I live close to) anyway the w/ds were not so bad it is this feeling now that sucks you know???? I keep looking at this cancer bracelet I wear and everytime I think of using I say how could you with all your mom is going thru, I am ashamed to say when I would talk to God I would say God if you will just help her I will quit these drugs (of course that is after I am done with this bottle), I am again praying to God but for the right reason to help her and to help me. Thanks for writing
Roxy
L I am sorry I meant to respond to you earlier but usually I can only get on the computer when my 8 year old isn't on it and even then the three year old one always wants to press the keys Yikes. Anyway I am glad you tried the adrenal support I also use Gaba at night helps with sleeping. I started the pills almost twenty years ago (yes I was only 5 when I started hee hee) I had severe back problems but once they were improved I just kept taking the drugs. I would ration myself depending on the amount I got so it always changed. When I just quit I was taking 4 lortabs a day along with 6 somas and 20 222's ( It is a over the counter medication with a very low amount of codeine you can only get it in Canada which I live close to) anyway the w/ds were not so bad it is this feeling now that sucks you know???? I keep looking at this cancer bracelet I wear and everytime I think of using I say how could you with all your mom is going thru, I am ashamed to say when I would talk to God I would say God if you will just help her I will quit these drugs (of course that is after I am done with this bottle), I am again praying to God but for the right reason to help her and to help me. Thanks for writing
Roxy
Hey Roxy...do yourself a huge favor and ask your mom to put her meds away when you come over. What about next time? You might not be so strong...don't tempt yourself that way, it's not playing fair with your recovery, you deserve a little support that way.
I justified all kinds of reasons why it was ok to take pills from my mom when she had cancer...doesn't make you a bad person when you take those pills, just a sick one and no way, no how do you want to start over again, You've come so far. 7 days is great!
Every day I look forward to not having to obsess about pills anymore. That feeling is gone now. I look forward to just normal days...whatever that is. lol
Take care
Lisa
I justified all kinds of reasons why it was ok to take pills from my mom when she had cancer...doesn't make you a bad person when you take those pills, just a sick one and no way, no how do you want to start over again, You've come so far. 7 days is great!
Every day I look forward to not having to obsess about pills anymore. That feeling is gone now. I look forward to just normal days...whatever that is. lol
Take care
Lisa
Roxy you must be a tough girl. Do you know if oxy is harder physically then the other stuff that you were talking about 222's or lortabs? I am pretty sure I almost died from the w/d and still don't feel right. Am I just a baby or is there a difference. You sound a little better tonight : )
IIh..you big baby...j/k. We all felt like we were dying from withdrawals. Some have an easier time and I was always so in awe of them. For me, each time I relapsed, they got harder and harder. Your body doesn't start over when you take pills again, it picks up right where you left off. You're doing really good...hang in there.
Hey Roxie:
Congradulations! I don't know if I could ever walk by bottles of pain pills, ever. I don't know how alcoholics do it with liquor stores all around. At least with the lortabs it's a little more difficult to get. Today was my 3rd day without, at least until around 7:00 pm. It's that 3rd day that always gets me, I wonder why. I don't really have the physical withdrawals (except the sleeplessness) that I can't handle without imodium, lunesta, paxil. It's the mental craving that gets me. I go into reptilian brain mode, and do whatever, until I get them. Reptilian brain takes me to ER's, different doc's, whatever. It's like seeking food, or warmth. Hang in there!
Congradulations! I don't know if I could ever walk by bottles of pain pills, ever. I don't know how alcoholics do it with liquor stores all around. At least with the lortabs it's a little more difficult to get. Today was my 3rd day without, at least until around 7:00 pm. It's that 3rd day that always gets me, I wonder why. I don't really have the physical withdrawals (except the sleeplessness) that I can't handle without imodium, lunesta, paxil. It's the mental craving that gets me. I go into reptilian brain mode, and do whatever, until I get them. Reptilian brain takes me to ER's, different doc's, whatever. It's like seeking food, or warmth. Hang in there!
Awww! Roxy good to hear from you. I am glad I have helped someone. (even if it's just an example of what not to do) lol... We all do terrible stuff in active addiction but we can't stop trying and trying to put it all behind us. While at the same time remembering where we came from. Your tuff girl it's not easy being a mom and taking care of a mom while doing this. Just get tons of support around you and I agree with CG on that one. You have to do something to safeguard yourself against your mom's med.'s. I think you have extremely high resolve. But we are dealing with addiction cunning, baffeling, and powerful. Before you know it you'll wake up 3 months later addicted as ever. I've been there before for sure. I know I wasted alot of my kids life high. I think your a good mom now but you could be so much better. Big huggs to you! Your Back Yeay! Keep posting.
Lots of love and respect,
Jane
Lots of love and respect,
Jane
Roxy,
What you wrote about walking past the pills almost made me cry. I mean, everyone is right about maybe not being strong enough next time and needing to get more help, but you're doing a great thing. And just for me, keeping having the realization that I will never be able to have that feeling again makes me so sad and sick and I have been pushing that down and just going with the flow and keeping up my support system, but we're all faced with that weird grief at some point and that's ok too....
Just keep pushing forward.
The more of us who do means there are more of us who can support each other, right/ :)
SP
What you wrote about walking past the pills almost made me cry. I mean, everyone is right about maybe not being strong enough next time and needing to get more help, but you're doing a great thing. And just for me, keeping having the realization that I will never be able to have that feeling again makes me so sad and sick and I have been pushing that down and just going with the flow and keeping up my support system, but we're all faced with that weird grief at some point and that's ok too....
Just keep pushing forward.
The more of us who do means there are more of us who can support each other, right/ :)
SP
