Desperate For Advice About My Brother And Mother

Families / Partners of Addicts
1
Hi, I am new to this and I apologize in advance for the long post...it's just that I don't know what else to do.

I am 23 and my brother is 27. He has been an addict (alcohol, pills, coke, crack, heroin, etc) for the last fifteen years. He has stolen money, cars, credit cards, valuables, and has destroyed so much within my family. My other brother moved with a relative and finished high school in a different state because he could no longer deal with our eldest brother. My mother has gone into bankruptcy and has sacrificed taking care of herself so that she can care for my brother. And I have been forced to act as the oldest sibling; taking care of my family, bills, etc by the time I was sixteen.

My brother has never suffered the consequences of his actions. He has watched friends go in and out of rehab, was with a girl when she overdosed and died, has gotten into horrible accidents, and countless other situations. But they never made him want to change. My mother has never kicked him out, she bailed him out of jail, he went to a two week rehab once and that was while his heroin addicted girlfriend was still living at my moms and he went right back to it when he came home and my mother has made countless excuses for him. She has even found places for him to live and cars to drive so that he didn't have to suffer. In turn, this has damaged her personal relationships, basically leaving her broke and alone.

The most recent incident, prompting me to write this post, occurred two weeks ago. My brother relapsed and overdosed to the point that he almost died. I was with him earlier that day and sensed that he was going to leave and do something (he kept insisting he was going for a walk but wouldn't take his dog with him - something completely out of the ordinary). I don't live with my mother like he does and I had to get home, so I let my mom know something wasn't right and (stupidly) made him promise me that he was going to stay home.

I spent the rest of that night calling him with him telling me he was with a friend and he'd be home in an hour. That went on up to the point of my mother calling me and telling me he was in the ER and him calling me asking to pick him up.

I wouldn't pick him up and I thought I had a good talk with my mom about how this had to be it: time to end the cycle of doing fine-relapse-anger and hurt-forgiveness-repeat. But she wouldn't listen to me, even after he spent the rest of that weekend and the following week emotionally abusing my mom and making her feel as though it is all her fault.

And I had enough with it. I refused to give my brother rides to school (he and I are both in college and he doesn't have a license or a car, so he depends on me for rides), and that he can get a cab. I would also stop helping him with his homework (we have a couple of classes together and I would spend more time helping him than I would on my own homework), and he could start to learn to be an adult and take care of himself.

This worked for four days before my mom called me and asked if she could borrow $20. Turns out, it was for my brother! I told her no and she broke down crying, saying she is responsible for him even though she isn't. My brother quit his job and I have a sick feeling in my stomach that when he gets his student loan $ he will spend it all on heroin because my mother doesn't make him pay any bills at all.

So, this morning my mother asks me if I am going to bring my brother to school tomorrow. I told her no, he got is last paycheck from the week before he quit and he can pay the $10 to get a cab. She got upset because she thinks I am making it so he can't go to school. I told her he can go to school, but his education is not my responsibility, it is his. I also explained that I am trying to not be a codependent of him and that if he needs $ for a cab he can get a job (I work and go to school so it is possible) and reminded her that they live within the epicenter of stores and restaurants that he can walk to and get a job.

I also had to remind her that he is getting around $2,000 this week and she should make him get an apartment. He has never lived on his own and had to pay rent, electric, groceries, etc. and this would be the opportunity to help him grow and learn to stand on his own two feet. If he messes that up and ends up on the street or in jail, then he needs to deal with it and accept that there is no one else to blame but himself.

Yes, he is an addict. Yes, it is a disease. But my brother has never faced the consequences of his actions and his promises to go to meetings and get help have become empty once my mother chooses to "let go of her anger" and act as though nothing has happened. He is manipulative and knows how to get back on my mom's good side and make her believe that "this time is different." I don't believe him, and I have been honest with both of them that things cannot just go back to the way things were because I do not trust him and I do not agree with the way my mom handles his addiction. (Which, he will only admit he's an addict when he gets caught, then it goes back to him not being an addict because he can stop whenever).

I don't know what to do. My mother is furious with me and my brother always feeds into that anger so that she doesn't direct it at him and it intensifies on me. I just fear that if I take responsibility for him now, I will always have to take responsibility for him, and honestly, I am tired of picking up the pieces of my broken family year after year after year...
2
walk away- tell him you will be there for him when he shows he is making a real effort to quit(if that is what you want to do) you are not responsible for him, he is an addict and will not quit until he is ready, no one can make or influence that decision-only he will know when/if he wants to quit- walk away and get on with your own life. you cannot influence your mothers behaviour or choices either, she must make her own choices. it sounds harsh but while you still keep on giving he will keep on taking- it is what WE do.
I am an alcoholic and drug Addict so i have experienced this first hand with family both enabling my alcohol/drug use and trying to get me to quit- your not ready to quit -till your ready to quit, for some of us this takes many attempts but that is our battle. you must protect yourself, otherwise his addiction will ruin your life as well as his - walk away- no run away.
3
Easier said than done...but you have to stop doing things for them...both of them.
Stop answering the phone on ring 1///STop giving the 10 dollars...tell them you can't take it anymore and need a break...you deserve a break...take it....see what happens from afar...they may very well change because you think your helping but your enabling them to stay sick. Without your help they both will have to figure out how to survive...your draining yourself....life your life..read the article to the left Let me Fall All By Myself.
4
I am very sad to hear about your story.
I can really understand your pain.
I have been feeling responsible for everybody in the family since I was very young.
I think that it was a self imposed thing.
You do not deserve to be in this situation.
I know that I have handed over my life and freedom to my problematic family.
I do regret it now and I am much older than you.
If I could go back in time I would have made different decisions and kept my distances and not feel so guility...
It seems that your brother is of course not ready to change and that your mother is not ready either.
Please do not sacrifice your energy, health, mental weel being and happiness.
We do not chose our family but we can chose to leave them when it is so messed up.
Take care and good luck.