This is a new chapter in my life and forgive me for my written english as it is not my mother language. I live in South Africa coming from germany. I brought one son (Alexander) into my second marriage. Alex startet smoking dagga and heroin at the age of 22 while I was thinking we have past all the difficult years with no realy bad days. Sure I was upset as I did not noticed anything absolut nothing. As time went on I found out slowly in what he was involved and to keep the story short it was and it still is heartbreaking. We always had a closed open relationship and to see him doing to himself what he did took all my energy from me. As i like you tried everything to help him, from begging, talking, showing consequenzes, kicking him out, taking in again, outpatient program ... I came to realize here in SA he will end up either killing himself or in prison which is for me the same like he gets killed. I do not know from which country you are but here in SA beeing white in a black prison is like death. I do not want to come other as beeing racist but reality is that police is so involved in the drugdealer enviroment which means the get paid by drugdealers, inspectors taking money from me so docets are disappering ... . As my son does not seem to come clean and as he became more and more involved he always was in trouble with police. To make everything worse my husband does not seem to know how to help or support me never mind my son. We had fights going on that i felt like I have to decide which part I take. It is either he and me and our 2 kids or me and my son. As I can not live longer under this stress I decided to send Alex on its own to london. I did it on purpose as he has nobody in england which means he needs to take the consequenz of his action, he knows mentally he is on its own where if he does stupid actions he is countable for it and I realy hope beeing on its own will hopefully open his eyes so he realizes it is his live which is going to be ruined (as well my life but he does not seem to understand). Since he is gone I do not know if I did the right decision by sending him away. I also had the possibility to send him back to my family to germany but I felt nothing will change him from beeing responsible for himself. I truly hope he will wake up, making right decision and doing well. yes my familylife here improved as we do not have the ongoing fights but I am so disappointet in my husband for not supporting me, making my and my sons life harder, that offen I feel useless in what Iam doing and Iam fearfull for my other 2 kids. I can not go through the same a second time. Alex is emailing me 3-4 times a month and phoning me (although i pay for the calls) he seems fine on the phone. In july I am going other and I realy do not know what to do if he is still involved in heroin/cocain. On one side I miss him a lot and would love to have him back, just to make sure he has enough clothes, food etc. On the other side I can not deal with the problems any longer. In germany again he would have family which provides for him, he would have accomodation, food etc. why should he than change? Because of that London seemed to me the only answer and chance for him to get his life back. Yes drugs everywhere but in the end I realised it is his decision to cary on or quit. I love him like any mother loves her child but I could not take it any longer. While I was reading christinas letter and the "duty of a mother" i question myself did I do the right decision?
..Hi Carola..
..I dunno wot to say to your post..but if you post on the familys/partners side of the board also maybe you can get more support over that side aswell..i live in london and your right..things are just the same here aswell as anywhere else in the world..i think only time will tell if you've made the right decision..Robbie..
..I dunno wot to say to your post..but if you post on the familys/partners side of the board also maybe you can get more support over that side aswell..i live in london and your right..things are just the same here aswell as anywhere else in the world..i think only time will tell if you've made the right decision..Robbie..
Hi Carola........I am so sorry for your anguish........you're a mom, and it breaks my heart to see a mom in pain as you are.
I agree with Robbie.......definately if you go over to the Family/Partners part of the board you will get so much help........everyone over there knows EXACTLY how you feel.......unfortunately they have lived this nightmare, and they are awesome people with huge hearts....it's anonymous as well so that's good.
Carola you did everything you could do to help your son........this has been HIS choice........in no way is any of it YOUR fault.......bottom line ya did what ya had to......and I soooooo hope it helped him.......still it's understandable how ya feel maybe ya did the incorrect thing.
Basically if he wants to continue using......well he'll do it in England as well......no need to know anyone to get high.......although often a change of environment can help.......removing yourself from "friends" etc. who you used with........so hopefully that's how it's going.
Again, I am sorry......oh and to give ya some HOPE......there's many of us here who are heroin addicts in recovery.......it can be done so don't ever give up.
By the way your English is really good.......that was easy to understand.
I agree with Robbie.......definately if you go over to the Family/Partners part of the board you will get so much help........everyone over there knows EXACTLY how you feel.......unfortunately they have lived this nightmare, and they are awesome people with huge hearts....it's anonymous as well so that's good.
Carola you did everything you could do to help your son........this has been HIS choice........in no way is any of it YOUR fault.......bottom line ya did what ya had to......and I soooooo hope it helped him.......still it's understandable how ya feel maybe ya did the incorrect thing.
Basically if he wants to continue using......well he'll do it in England as well......no need to know anyone to get high.......although often a change of environment can help.......removing yourself from "friends" etc. who you used with........so hopefully that's how it's going.
Again, I am sorry......oh and to give ya some HOPE......there's many of us here who are heroin addicts in recovery.......it can be done so don't ever give up.
By the way your English is really good.......that was easy to understand.
Hey Carola
I feel your pain and I know how you are feeling. To be honest as mum's we are damned if we do and damned if we don't. Whichever decision we make we always feel guilty and feel we're letting our kids down. All we can do is what we think is the right at that particular time.
We try everything we can to help them get their lives back, but its like the guys on here will tell you. Whatever WE do, doesn't make a difference because until THEY want it for themselves nothing seems to work.
Carola you're a fantastic mum, and you've done absolutely everything you can. You've been there for your son and you say he's still in contact with you, so he knows you are there for him. But this is something he has to do for himself and in your situation living in SA with two other children and little support from your husband you already have plenty to cope with so I don't think you had any other choice, especially if he had ended up in prison over there.
We are all here for you but Bryn is right the families board is a great place to post.
Take care Carola and stay strong.
I'm sending you a BIG HUG and all my love
Luv Christina x
I feel your pain and I know how you are feeling. To be honest as mum's we are damned if we do and damned if we don't. Whichever decision we make we always feel guilty and feel we're letting our kids down. All we can do is what we think is the right at that particular time.
We try everything we can to help them get their lives back, but its like the guys on here will tell you. Whatever WE do, doesn't make a difference because until THEY want it for themselves nothing seems to work.
Carola you're a fantastic mum, and you've done absolutely everything you can. You've been there for your son and you say he's still in contact with you, so he knows you are there for him. But this is something he has to do for himself and in your situation living in SA with two other children and little support from your husband you already have plenty to cope with so I don't think you had any other choice, especially if he had ended up in prison over there.
We are all here for you but Bryn is right the families board is a great place to post.
Take care Carola and stay strong.
I'm sending you a BIG HUG and all my love
Luv Christina x
Carola,
I definately think you are doing the right thing and you sound like a great mum. There is only so much you can do to point you children in the right direction and then its up to them. No matter how much you nag at them, moan etc they are still going to do whatever they are doing and they can only learn from thier mistakes but as long as you are there..not to pick up the pieces, not to force him to do anything he dont want to because believe me he wont do anything he dont want to...especially when heroin in involved, but to just be there so he knows you are there for him.
As you know yourself no matter where your son is drugs are! There everywhere. No escpaing them. There are plenty drugs clinics over here but so difficult to get into and they normally build up a trust relationship b4 they can do anything with usually takes up to 6 weeks or longer. There are also drug councilors who will work alongside a doctor to help overcome addiction but also this will only work if your son does want to come clean if he hasnt already.
I really do hope things work out for you and your family. Keep your chin up hun and be strong.
Love BunnyRocker xx
I definately think you are doing the right thing and you sound like a great mum. There is only so much you can do to point you children in the right direction and then its up to them. No matter how much you nag at them, moan etc they are still going to do whatever they are doing and they can only learn from thier mistakes but as long as you are there..not to pick up the pieces, not to force him to do anything he dont want to because believe me he wont do anything he dont want to...especially when heroin in involved, but to just be there so he knows you are there for him.
As you know yourself no matter where your son is drugs are! There everywhere. No escpaing them. There are plenty drugs clinics over here but so difficult to get into and they normally build up a trust relationship b4 they can do anything with usually takes up to 6 weeks or longer. There are also drug councilors who will work alongside a doctor to help overcome addiction but also this will only work if your son does want to come clean if he hasnt already.
I really do hope things work out for you and your family. Keep your chin up hun and be strong.
Love BunnyRocker xx
