Obviously there's the usual forms of enabling...
-Giving money
-Providing food and shelter
-Bailing the addict out of situations including jail
etc. etc.
Here's one more form of enabling that many probably haven't thought of...emotional enabling.
This would/might include...
-Always taking their calls
-Calling them when they don't follow thru on something
-Agreeing with them when they call you a crappy parent
-Calling them to see how they're doing
-Sympathizing with them
Though many here have recognized just how destructive to the addict (and themselves) enabling can be and have stopped giving financial support to their addict.
Isn't emotional enabling a way to placate our own guilt and also preventing the addict from reaching their bottoms of having lost everything including their loved ones?
Your thoughts?
Anything that keeps them from experiencing their "consequences" (good or bad).
Rich, I agree. When my son was at bottom he would call me and say "you are the only one left that I can talk to" .( hold on to that guilt for a minute.) Its heartbreaking. I would listen to his venting about how hard and complicated daily life is. He would feel better after venting.
When he was in recovery, there were still a few calls. $20 for a sandwich, once or twice until he got a job. since then I have given no money. helping w tickets, and car expenses, food, it was too easy for me to do it and too easy for him to ask.
At this point he rents a room, has no car, no tv, no computer. he lost everything over 2 years time in various ways. I am ok to keep it this way. I am not putting myself into financial debit again for someone else. he needs to take on the next responsibility at his pace.
now, phone calls are sad. we say the same things. 'how are you doing?' 'ok, struggling' etc
we even say.. 'Ive said this 100 times, I dont even want to say it again", ' I know'
I feel better when he does not call. so neither will be tempted to ask or give $$
I think calling them is our hope that we will hear some good news on the other end of the phone. but you are right, the phone calls keep up the same old dance.
one time, early in recovery, I felt that the conversations contained half truths and exaggerations. I said or texted ' If you are going to lie, do not call me' . I did not receive a call for several weeks.
At some point when I have the opportunity, I will say " I only want to hear good things"
It is a rut that people get in to. a comfortable dance.
I think the giving of $$ to 'help' is a child/parent reward kind of conditioning.... Ok, tell me something I want to hear and I will give you $$ for a sandwich.
???
When he was in recovery, there were still a few calls. $20 for a sandwich, once or twice until he got a job. since then I have given no money. helping w tickets, and car expenses, food, it was too easy for me to do it and too easy for him to ask.
At this point he rents a room, has no car, no tv, no computer. he lost everything over 2 years time in various ways. I am ok to keep it this way. I am not putting myself into financial debit again for someone else. he needs to take on the next responsibility at his pace.
now, phone calls are sad. we say the same things. 'how are you doing?' 'ok, struggling' etc
we even say.. 'Ive said this 100 times, I dont even want to say it again", ' I know'
I feel better when he does not call. so neither will be tempted to ask or give $$
I think calling them is our hope that we will hear some good news on the other end of the phone. but you are right, the phone calls keep up the same old dance.
one time, early in recovery, I felt that the conversations contained half truths and exaggerations. I said or texted ' If you are going to lie, do not call me' . I did not receive a call for several weeks.
At some point when I have the opportunity, I will say " I only want to hear good things"
It is a rut that people get in to. a comfortable dance.
I think the giving of $$ to 'help' is a child/parent reward kind of conditioning.... Ok, tell me something I want to hear and I will give you $$ for a sandwich.
???
Rich Wrote:
Isn't emotional enabling a way to placate our own guilt and also preventing the addict from reaching their bottoms of having lost everything including their loved ones?
Thoughts:
I can not quite put it into words. Yes the emotional enabling is keeping them in the same thought process rut. we are there to put a bandaid on it, so they do not have to look at themselves and decide how they need to change their actions.
If we agree and sympathize we help to keep them in the rut.
Isn't emotional enabling a way to placate our own guilt and also preventing the addict from reaching their bottoms of having lost everything including their loved ones?
Thoughts:
I can not quite put it into words. Yes the emotional enabling is keeping them in the same thought process rut. we are there to put a bandaid on it, so they do not have to look at themselves and decide how they need to change their actions.
If we agree and sympathize we help to keep them in the rut.
