I had all these great plans for yesterday, instead of going out and scoring I was going to do my 15 - 20 mils which would have held me for the day! But then disaster happened the bloke I usually score off rang me to say it was his last bag and did I want it. I didn't even hesitate, yes came out of my mouth before I knew what was happening. It means I still have some for today as I buy in 1/2 ounces. It'll be gone by tonight coz there's two of us in it and I keep telling myself that I'll start again tomorrow. But tomorrow never seems to come. I spent most of yesterday crying and when I got up this morning and went to have a smoke I nearly got burnt alive coz the tears were still flowing and went on to my burn.
I just don't know how I'm gonna do it. Last two times that worked for us, we went away and as I said in my other posts we're plannng on going away for the month of January. I really need about another 100mls of methadone to bring with me if its going to be a comfortable turkey and I can't get any anywhere. We only have about 160mls I think so it might be a difficult month. I wanted to be clean before we went but I just don't know if I can achieve that.
All I can say is that I'll try again tomorrow and pray for me that it works.
Hi Lou
I've only been on this site for short while but into my 32nd year of Heroin addiction. The good news is for the past year I've been on a detox, living at home and weekly meeting with my k/worker. 12 months ago I began on 35mls meth (this stuff has always terrified me, since I going to prison for 12mth in 1992, with 75ml habit, de-tox 5mls a day (another story)). My meth was increased to 95mls stabilizing me, last month having reduced to 30mls changed over to Subutex, taking 16ml tabs a day. I don't call myself clean, not until completely off any prescriptions, its quite daunting living in the real world.
Reading your post made me think of all the times I've tried in the past, like you I would make plans, stock-up on pills etc. Even when trying this time I had - Litre Meth, 200mls Sub & 100 10ml V's - Why I kept on trying to do it myself I just don't know, but I do know it didn't work for me. We all have different ways of de-toxing.
I do think its great that you are trying, only another addict can know what you will go through. A few things worry me and I hope you don't mind me saying, the guy you score from has your phone No & calls you, that is dangerous, you must get rid of phone No's and if you meet other users say Hi but move on. I also used to buy in bulk and it was so easy for me to make a call have it within hours. I was lucky by being able to move to another house, only couple miles away (didn't tell anyone) made a big difference. A few discovered my address and only couple months ago a guy knocked my door asking if I could get him a bag, told him NO. I was lot stronger now You cannot hide away, but for the first stages protect youself from being around other users. I expect you know all this.
Sorry I've rambled on, I get sad at the years I've wasted I can't change the past but I hope you can change your future.
My thoughts are with you.
Peter
I've only been on this site for short while but into my 32nd year of Heroin addiction. The good news is for the past year I've been on a detox, living at home and weekly meeting with my k/worker. 12 months ago I began on 35mls meth (this stuff has always terrified me, since I going to prison for 12mth in 1992, with 75ml habit, de-tox 5mls a day (another story)). My meth was increased to 95mls stabilizing me, last month having reduced to 30mls changed over to Subutex, taking 16ml tabs a day. I don't call myself clean, not until completely off any prescriptions, its quite daunting living in the real world.
Reading your post made me think of all the times I've tried in the past, like you I would make plans, stock-up on pills etc. Even when trying this time I had - Litre Meth, 200mls Sub & 100 10ml V's - Why I kept on trying to do it myself I just don't know, but I do know it didn't work for me. We all have different ways of de-toxing.
I do think its great that you are trying, only another addict can know what you will go through. A few things worry me and I hope you don't mind me saying, the guy you score from has your phone No & calls you, that is dangerous, you must get rid of phone No's and if you meet other users say Hi but move on. I also used to buy in bulk and it was so easy for me to make a call have it within hours. I was lucky by being able to move to another house, only couple miles away (didn't tell anyone) made a big difference. A few discovered my address and only couple months ago a guy knocked my door asking if I could get him a bag, told him NO. I was lot stronger now You cannot hide away, but for the first stages protect youself from being around other users. I expect you know all this.
Sorry I've rambled on, I get sad at the years I've wasted I can't change the past but I hope you can change your future.
My thoughts are with you.
Peter
Alright..Lou..seems like ya been putting yerself thru the mill..suppose its that crazy limbo us addicts put ourselves through.I echo all the things Darkside(Peter)said.When ya get a call like you did...i know how hard it is to reason&the pull of the drug is sooo strong..also yer dealer saying like he was doin ya a favour "oh Lou its me last bag"drags you in..coz if your anything like me i wouldve thought it was the last bag in the world.If yer smoking a half o every 2/3 days you both must have big enough habits&its probobly the fear of how bad will this rattle be?thats making you emotional.All i can add is really get rid of all dealers no.s&get yerself a new sim card or ph.You got 80ml.each left..you know the drill..try&taper of slow..you might get 5 days out of it so you should feel a bit more ready to carry on clean.Lastly your not alone in the temptation stakes..was working a late shift today&when i check my mobile there was a message from someone who used to deal gear to me..i aint seen him in 6mnth.but dealers got long memories..anyhow its a voicemail.."alright Dave lad got some lovely gear..ive got an 1/8th for ya give us a bell"..well someone was lookin down on me coz it came up as a no number..so i cant contact him even if i wanted to...basically smack&all its hidden mirrors can come right up&bite ya in the a** at anytime..you take care&il chat to ya soon.........Davey
Just on me way out to oil the wheels of industry...was thinking of yerself&Kev..how are ya today?a new one so Lou please dont beat yerself up too badly about yer slip..you two can still manage it..you got a good head on them shoulders.Stay positive coz i know you can even if things may seem daunting.....All the best as ever.......Davey
..Lou..
..Yeh i remember ya..long time no see..we've all done it in the past lou..no shame in admitting ya relapsed..infact people respect it more in admitting to others ya relapsed..shows ya honesty..don't ya just hate that s***..so hard to walk away from..its like a lover ya wanna move on from but ya can't..keeps dragging ya back into their life..don't give up on yaself lou..keep plugging away trying to stop it..and wot the others have said are right..other addicts/dealers can pull ya back down..getting a new number was good advice..even if it means having to let ya non using mates that ya changed numbers (which can be a hassle letting everyone know) but getting users/dealers off ya case will be one less prob you'll have to deal with..lets hope this time round you can get ya mind focused into getting off it..good luck lou..catch ya later..Robbie..
..Yeh i remember ya..long time no see..we've all done it in the past lou..no shame in admitting ya relapsed..infact people respect it more in admitting to others ya relapsed..shows ya honesty..don't ya just hate that s***..so hard to walk away from..its like a lover ya wanna move on from but ya can't..keeps dragging ya back into their life..don't give up on yaself lou..keep plugging away trying to stop it..and wot the others have said are right..other addicts/dealers can pull ya back down..getting a new number was good advice..even if it means having to let ya non using mates that ya changed numbers (which can be a hassle letting everyone know) but getting users/dealers off ya case will be one less prob you'll have to deal with..lets hope this time round you can get ya mind focused into getting off it..good luck lou..catch ya later..Robbie..
Hey guys - thanx for your support! I do feel so ashamed that I fell back into it but we've told ourselves that that's it now.. I'm not feeling too great at the minute either so it's a few mils for us 2nite before bed and the same 2moro morning wen we get up.. gonna go into town and get the rest of my Xmas shopping done which at least will keep me busy and out of trouble.. Kev'll be working 2moro nite too and I'm gonna hit my sisters house (who's soooo clean you wouldn't believe it, but that's a good thing).. she hasn't a clue about my drug use, at least I don't think she does.. she know's that I was a bit crazy in the past wen it came to coke & crap but I don't think she thinks I'm up to anything now.. I've always made sure that I'm in top form wen going up to visit her coz it wud just break her heart if she new.. So that's my plan 4 2moro nite 2 keep me out of trouble.. I know I've said it before and before and before but I'm gonna do it this time.. I just have to.. On that note I'll sign off.. I'll post 2moro nite again so keep your fingers crossed for me that my plans 4 2moro go ahead.. Thanx for the support - I need it at the minute..
L&BW 2 all....
L&BW 2 all....
Go for it Lou..sounds like youve got things sewn up as much as ya can for the next couple of days.Hope things go to plan&yer right the other day is history so keep lookin forward.Take care&keep us posted ....Davey
