Hi:
Does anyone else out there hold on to disfunctional friendships just because you've been friends for a long time? I have several. One in paticular is a girl I've been friends with for 25 years. The other day I realized I don't even really like her anymore. I certainly have no respect. She has a relationship with her "boyfriend" that is the sickest ever. He uses her to a level you can't even imagine. After biting my tongue for so long, I had to speak up. Now she probably won't speak to me for months for daring to say something about her precious R***. I think she likes the postion she's in because he needs her so much, that he can't leave her now. He has no job, no car, no licence, 2 warrants are out for his arrest. She pays his light bill, buys him food, and keeps him in Lortab. Her kids, everyone falls by the wayside. Oh yeah, and he smokes crack. Which she hates, but she is totally enabling him. The last time I said something about R*** I had just moved back here from Texas. He owed her money, and I said good luck with getting it back. For that she didn't speak to me for 1 year. I was so hurt, I didn't even know what I had done for the longest, and she was one of my oldest friends. Now I wonder why am I even bothering with this at all. She was a friend for 25 years, but that doesn't mean she was a good friend for 25 years. There is another, a guy I actually was involved with. Now we're just friends. But again, although he isn't as negitive as my other friend, he is a total screw-up. Am I co-dependent? Why can't I let go, when I know it isn't healthy. It's night and day difference when I deal with those 2 and when I deal with real friends, who care about me and have my back, who bring positve things to the relationship. I guess I'd like to know if anyone else holds on to disfunctional relationships, recognize this and have any advice. Thank you!
Good morning Lola
You may never speak to me again but here goes:
There is a reason why you do this and it has nothing to do with them.It's about you and the choices you keep making.I did the same thing for years.
After spending about 10 years in therapy and working the twelve stepsI finally was able to get some answers.Of course none of them made me happy.
Today,I'm much more selective who I let in my life.
That's why I have two dogs sitting here on the floor looking up at me.LOL
I have only about 3 good friends and we all are pretty much the same way.
There is an honest dialogue between us so things don't get dysfunctional.
This whole deal with addiction is so much deeper than just the drugs.
That's why a suggested program or therapy is stressed so much.
Good Luck
You may never speak to me again but here goes:
There is a reason why you do this and it has nothing to do with them.It's about you and the choices you keep making.I did the same thing for years.
After spending about 10 years in therapy and working the twelve stepsI finally was able to get some answers.Of course none of them made me happy.
Today,I'm much more selective who I let in my life.
That's why I have two dogs sitting here on the floor looking up at me.LOL
I have only about 3 good friends and we all are pretty much the same way.
There is an honest dialogue between us so things don't get dysfunctional.
This whole deal with addiction is so much deeper than just the drugs.
That's why a suggested program or therapy is stressed so much.
Good Luck
Hey Tim:
Thanks for your response. I totally appreciate honesty even if its something I don't really want to hear. I agree that the addiction goes much deeper than just the addiction itself. My life has totally gotten out of control in all sorts of different ways. Its odd, its almost like I'm not involved, like I'm looking objectivly at someone else's situation, or reading about it.. As much as I didn't like meetings when I went(years ago) so much was so true and coming back to me now. See, I don't know everything (even though I secretly thought I did). My life HAS become unmanageable - in so many different ways. Yet I still feel so detached to it all, God, I don't want something really, really, bad to happen to get my attention - yet that's usually the case. I'm one of those people with a really low bottom. Anyway, I do appreciate your comments.
Thanks for your response. I totally appreciate honesty even if its something I don't really want to hear. I agree that the addiction goes much deeper than just the addiction itself. My life has totally gotten out of control in all sorts of different ways. Its odd, its almost like I'm not involved, like I'm looking objectivly at someone else's situation, or reading about it.. As much as I didn't like meetings when I went(years ago) so much was so true and coming back to me now. See, I don't know everything (even though I secretly thought I did). My life HAS become unmanageable - in so many different ways. Yet I still feel so detached to it all, God, I don't want something really, really, bad to happen to get my attention - yet that's usually the case. I'm one of those people with a really low bottom. Anyway, I do appreciate your comments.
Lola, Are you still using?
There is an old saying about friends and through the years it still rings true:
"Most people can count the amount of true friends they have on one hand and still have fingers left over."
Yes, we can have lots of aquaintances and people we know and hang out with, but "true friends" are minimal. Its probably similar to the reason we have one "love" at a time (most of us lol) and thats because true friendship requires loyalty, faith, trust, sacrifice, - emotions that take thier toll on our strength and cant be spread too thin. Dont let anyone with a large circle of friends fool you. Those that will stick with us through thick and thin are few and far between. This may sound cynical, but if we all look at our lives I think most of us will say its true. Those friends who are our "best friends" can be counted on one hand with fingers left over.
"Most people can count the amount of true friends they have on one hand and still have fingers left over."
Yes, we can have lots of aquaintances and people we know and hang out with, but "true friends" are minimal. Its probably similar to the reason we have one "love" at a time (most of us lol) and thats because true friendship requires loyalty, faith, trust, sacrifice, - emotions that take thier toll on our strength and cant be spread too thin. Dont let anyone with a large circle of friends fool you. Those that will stick with us through thick and thin are few and far between. This may sound cynical, but if we all look at our lives I think most of us will say its true. Those friends who are our "best friends" can be counted on one hand with fingers left over.
Hey:
Tim, I just got back on the computer this morning (sunday). Yeah, I'm still using. I'll give you my standard broken leg issue story, but I use way more than the leg actually hurts. I don't know if I even know how much it really does hurt, because I'd have to let the pain pills get totally out of my system I think to really guage. And of course the only thing "that really works" is my drug of choice. How convienent. Prior to my accident I had 8 years clean. So, pain pills have been an issue for a long time only dormant. To be honest, I'm not taking any steps to control it because I've moved in with my parents after my accident, and I don't give the pills to them to dole out as prescribed. And I'm actually prescribed 60 mgs a day of lortab. I'm never thinking clearly. I sometimes don't think they affect me, but then I look at how crazy my thinking is even while not directly under the influence. And all my standards and morals have fallen away. That one friend I mentioned I've had for 25 years, we trade back and forth. I'm out, she covers, she's out, I cover. Do ya think maybe thats why I hang around???? DUH, Ironically, she takes way less then me, and it does'nt seem to change and control her the way it does me. But, I think she has serious issues, that I don't have when I'm clean. I'm so different clean. Jane Q. Citizen, or pill-popping, shop-lifting, lying, freak. I didn't realize how bad I feel about myself until I read that last line. Thanks for listening
Tim, I just got back on the computer this morning (sunday). Yeah, I'm still using. I'll give you my standard broken leg issue story, but I use way more than the leg actually hurts. I don't know if I even know how much it really does hurt, because I'd have to let the pain pills get totally out of my system I think to really guage. And of course the only thing "that really works" is my drug of choice. How convienent. Prior to my accident I had 8 years clean. So, pain pills have been an issue for a long time only dormant. To be honest, I'm not taking any steps to control it because I've moved in with my parents after my accident, and I don't give the pills to them to dole out as prescribed. And I'm actually prescribed 60 mgs a day of lortab. I'm never thinking clearly. I sometimes don't think they affect me, but then I look at how crazy my thinking is even while not directly under the influence. And all my standards and morals have fallen away. That one friend I mentioned I've had for 25 years, we trade back and forth. I'm out, she covers, she's out, I cover. Do ya think maybe thats why I hang around???? DUH, Ironically, she takes way less then me, and it does'nt seem to change and control her the way it does me. But, I think she has serious issues, that I don't have when I'm clean. I'm so different clean. Jane Q. Citizen, or pill-popping, shop-lifting, lying, freak. I didn't realize how bad I feel about myself until I read that last line. Thanks for listening
| QUOTE |
| Jane Q. Citizen, or pill-popping, shop-lifting, lying, freak. I didn't realize how bad I feel about myself until I read that last line. |
Girl,I've got stories that would curl your hair...or straighten it.LOL
You're an addict.There is no reason to get out the whips.It's not a moral dilemma.You have a disease that left untreated will take you to places you never imagined...and none of them are good.
I would suggest you spend one-quarter of that energy beating yourself up in finding a solution.We are all the same here.Some of us had to take the train down the tracks a lot further,but I would suffice to say that most are decent,intelligent & talented individuals.
Opiates create a flight or fight senario in the brain.When the brain's daily dose is not met,it signals panic throughout the body.It relays the message that the body is going to die if it doesn't get it's fix.It's not psychosomatic.It's a real occurance.[withdrawls]..........most of us would go to any length to get our daily medicine to avoid that.
The truth is that you will not die.
Yes,you will fill like hand hammered sh*t for 3-4 days but you can get through it.Many have and you can too.
Maybe today would be a good time to make that choice.
Good Luck Lola
| QUOTE |
| Jane Q. Citizen, or pill-popping, shop-lifting, lying, freak. I didn't realize how bad I feel about myself until I read that last line. |
Girl,I've got stories that would curl your hair...or straighten it.LOL
You're an
| QUOTE |
| I'll give you my standard broken leg issue story, but I use way more than the leg actually hurts. I don't know if I even know how much it really does hurt, because I'd have to let the pain pills get totally out of my system I think to really guage. And of course the only thing "that really works" is my drug of choice. How convienent. |
Very honest. Good for you!
Hi again:
I really appreciate hearing that I shouldn't keep beating myself up, but do something about it. I don't know why I'm not ready to completely let go. Coming to this forum is a good step in the right direction though,. I was watching that show about addiction last night on HBO. They really made sub sound like almost a miracle drug. I had been considering it, then I read lots of things that made it sound like maybe not such a good idea. That getting off of it was even harder. And then there's the cost...I'm uninsured, so that is really an issue. But then again, that show made me think that maybe it is a good idea, that it helps with the cravings. For me - the cravings are the worst part, the obsessing, the jonseing, the mental merry-go-round, my trying to think that this month it'll be different, I'll take them as prescribed, make them last. I never do, it never is. I recently fell and broke two screws in my leg. My doctor felt my pain even more than I do as he upped my dosage, without my even asking, not that I refused. But I don't think that it even hurts more than it did, then it occured to me - maybe my pain management dr. wants me hooked on these so I keep coming back, he's not really about my best interest. Maybe I'm slow, but I'd never really considered that before (DUH). I've gotta run (not literally, heehee) but I'll get back on this afternoon. I really appreciate everyone's support and advice. Tim and Bullwinkle, may I ask - are ya'll in 12 step programs? If so, maybe I should rethink my whole stance on not going! It's really good to talk to those who aren't judging me or putting me down. I do that enough myself. Later...
I really appreciate hearing that I shouldn't keep beating myself up, but do something about it. I don't know why I'm not ready to completely let go. Coming to this forum is a good step in the right direction though,. I was watching that show about addiction last night on HBO. They really made sub sound like almost a miracle drug. I had been considering it, then I read lots of things that made it sound like maybe not such a good idea. That getting off of it was even harder. And then there's the cost...I'm uninsured, so that is really an issue. But then again, that show made me think that maybe it is a good idea, that it helps with the cravings. For me - the cravings are the worst part, the obsessing, the jonseing, the mental merry-go-round, my trying to think that this month it'll be different, I'll take them as prescribed, make them last. I never do, it never is. I recently fell and broke two screws in my leg. My doctor felt my pain even more than I do as he upped my dosage, without my even asking, not that I refused. But I don't think that it even hurts more than it did, then it occured to me - maybe my pain management dr. wants me hooked on these so I keep coming back, he's not really about my best interest. Maybe I'm slow, but I'd never really considered that before (DUH). I've gotta run (not literally, heehee) but I'll get back on this afternoon. I really appreciate everyone's support and advice. Tim and Bullwinkle, may I ask - are ya'll in 12 step programs? If so, maybe I should rethink my whole stance on not going! It's really good to talk to those who aren't judging me or putting me down. I do that enough myself. Later...
I do the same thing with my friends. I always thought that after high school it would be easier. But they still play the silly baby games that I thought were over. I am 22. One such friend I have had since grade 7. We got addicted to going to this stupid strip club (yeah I'm addicted to pain pills and strippers yippie) I brought her, introduced her to my new friends that I had met through work, the same friends who brought me to the strip club in the 1st place. Slowly, they started influencing how she thought about me. They would pick on me for random stupid things. Then, accidently I made one of them mad. She faked a text msg, saying that I was going to kill her. The police showed up at my house at 2 in the morning (I of course had taken T3's before bed and was clueless) I had never sent her any msg saying that. I was so scared and confused. Anyway my friend of years, took their side. Uninviting me from her birthday, and silly things. I decided I didn't need a friend like that. Then she came crawling back. Me being stupid gave her another chance. The friends I had introduced her to got angry and told her to stop talking to me. So she did. Then I took her back AGAIN. It went pretty well this time. Until about 4 weeks ago, when she went out with my best friend (who is a male, that I may have a bit of a thing for) and lied to me about it. Then got mad at me as though I had done something wrong. So now I am done with her, totally. Hopefully.
See how immature that whole thing sounds? Thats why I need to get away from her. I am an adult I don't need to play high school games anymore.
See how immature that whole thing sounds? Thats why I need to get away from her. I am an adult I don't need to play high school games anymore.
Lola, no I don't 12 step but there is a lot of value for a lot of people. I have a pretty awesome support system outside of a program and if I felt I was heading for trouble, though, I would certainly look to AA or NA as the first line of defense.
Lola...
I was in plenty of dysfunctional relationships. I know now what to avoid, hopefully you will do the same.
Deirdre
I was in plenty of dysfunctional relationships. I know now what to avoid, hopefully you will do the same.
Deirdre
Hey:
Immortal, I so know what you mean about the stupid high-school stuff. Me an my friends are more like Junior high school. Especially, the one girl I mentioned. She & her "boyfriend" fight, hang up on each other, block each other's calls, invent other people that are supposedly interested in them. It's so childish. The really sad thing is that we're in our 40's. It's pathetic really. I'm probably the worst because I recognize the behaviors, know how dysfunctional and unhealthy the relationships are, yet stay. I don't know that the others truely recognize how bad it all is, so at least thats their excuse, what's mine? Loyalty has always been a big thing to me - but there comes a point....I spent yesterday with a friend who is functional (imagine that) and a good friend, and a positive influence, and its so nice and makes me aspire to be a better person, and a better friend. I wonder if I hold on to the dysfunctional relationships so that I don't have anything to live up to, maybe in a sick way it makes me feel better about myself? Look how dysfunctional they are, and they don't even know it - that way I don't look so bad. I hope thats not it, but I have a sneaking suspision that may be part of it, which doesn't make me too great either.
Immortal, I so know what you mean about the stupid high-school stuff. Me an my friends are more like Junior high school. Especially, the one girl I mentioned. She & her "boyfriend" fight, hang up on each other, block each other's calls, invent other people that are supposedly interested in them. It's so childish. The really sad thing is that we're in our 40's. It's pathetic really. I'm probably the worst because I recognize the behaviors, know how dysfunctional and unhealthy the relationships are, yet stay. I don't know that the others truely recognize how bad it all is, so at least thats their excuse, what's mine? Loyalty has always been a big thing to me - but there comes a point....I spent yesterday with a friend who is functional (imagine that) and a good friend, and a positive influence, and its so nice and makes me aspire to be a better person, and a better friend. I wonder if I hold on to the dysfunctional relationships so that I don't have anything to live up to, maybe in a sick way it makes me feel better about myself? Look how dysfunctional they are, and they don't even know it - that way I don't look so bad. I hope thats not it, but I have a sneaking suspision that may be part of it, which doesn't make me too great either.
Lola
I posted to you on the alcohol board. I just want to say, I think you would have an excellent chance if you try recovery now because you are being very very honest with yourself right now.
That is awesome and rare you should be proud of yourself.
go for it girl.
Idgie.
I posted to you on the alcohol board. I just want to say, I think you would have an excellent chance if you try recovery now because you are being very very honest with yourself right now.
That is awesome and rare you should be proud of yourself.
go for it girl.
Idgie.
I just wanted to let Lola know that I too, have been involved in VERY dysfunctional friendships with girls and guys and I am like you, I don't know why that is either. There is this one friend of mine and she is so dysfunctional (has bipolar actually) and she will be your friend and treat you like you are the best thing since sliced bread for a few months and then BOOM, she is done with you for a couple of years and even right now, we are not speaking and it is going on like 3 years now! LOL Is that not messed up or what? The funny thing is, I love being around her once she starts coming back around because when she IS your friend, she's your friend and the kind of friend you would want to "have your back" so to speak, sounds strange I know but maybe some of you others can also relate to my situtation as well...........
Hey again:
Idgie, I'm gonna check alcohol catagory again, to read your post, although I no longer drink much and haven't for years, all those stories resonated with me. Thank you for your response.
Tynyone, thank you also, I don't know why we hang on to these sick relationships. My friend too, is fun, at times. And then there's the whole "we've been friends for 25 years" that means a lot to me, I'm not sure how much it means to her. It's weird, her 'piece of crap' boyfriend who treats her so badly, she'll complain about him endlessly to me, BUT dare I agree with her about how crappy he is (and believe me, he is) she gets mad at ME! How dare I say anything about her precious R****! I'm like, "what? I'm on your side!" its so stupid.
I appreciate all who said how honest I'm being because I'm trying really hard, It's easier on this forum because everyone is so supportive and non-judgemental. It's helping me so much, maybe I'll even get to the point where I'll have the courage to get off the pills. I feel I'm heading in that direction. Thanks to everyone who've listened and responded.
Idgie, I'm gonna check alcohol catagory again, to read your post, although I no longer drink much and haven't for years, all those stories resonated with me. Thank you for your response.
Tynyone, thank you also, I don't know why we hang on to these sick relationships. My friend too, is fun, at times. And then there's the whole "we've been friends for 25 years" that means a lot to me, I'm not sure how much it means to her. It's weird, her 'piece of crap' boyfriend who treats her so badly, she'll complain about him endlessly to me, BUT dare I agree with her about how crappy he is (and believe me, he is) she gets mad at ME! How dare I say anything about her precious R****! I'm like, "what? I'm on your side!" its so stupid.
I appreciate all who said how honest I'm being because I'm trying really hard, It's easier on this forum because everyone is so supportive and non-judgemental. It's helping me so much, maybe I'll even get to the point where I'll have the courage to get off the pills. I feel I'm heading in that direction. Thanks to everyone who've listened and responded.
