hi
as many of you already know, my marriage has been in the danger zone for quite sometime.
when i was co-dependant and using with him i was the best wife in the world, so he'd say...but he still treated me badly,
now that i am clean and working on my recovery and faults and i stopped using with him i am a b*tch so he says and still treats me badly.
lately our fights have been escalating, i am getting stronger to change things in our home that would of been unheard of before sobriety for me.
last week i put my foot down and told him that his daily routine of using the basement ( for where i made him go) to masturbate and watch porn is not happening anymore, it makes the boys and i uncomfortable to go down there to do laundry or whatever.
ive done this before and cleaned out his stash without him home and he would be angry and say that he is gonna tell the judge one day that i am a lunatic wife and i destroyed his personal property.
this time he was home to observe what i was doing, i took a broom handle and removed some tiles from our drop ceiling, out fell about 4 bottles of lubricants, the most nastiest tapes you can imagine, and a cellphone?? i took out the vcr too. i have noticed that he is stocking up on dvd's on porn now.
i tried to explain to him how this has wrecked our marriage the same way it wrecked his first marriage too. i was insistant that this behavior cannot happen anymore and that he has an addict and i read online it can be treated with an anti depressant and would he get help?
H*ll no he said, there is nothing wrong with what he does, its healthy and helps him to relax from stress. he went on to say i am a b*tch and he wants a divorce and he will tell the judge that i have destroyed personal property.
i defended myself by saying that i have every right to remove something from our home that is damaging to me and our sons. i told him that i would agree that we split up for my peace of mind but would not grant him a divorce because i intend to have all benefits( pension social security) due to me in the event of his death. he said you cant do that i said watch me, i will not sign the divorce paperwork, he said that a person can still get a divorce if the other person contests it by not signng. am i correct or is he? jewels
He can still get his divorce, but it will take longer and cost more money. My question is why. Why don't you want a divorce? No offense but he sounds like an a******. Or, at the very least, a sex and/or porn addict. No judge is going to give a damn if you destroy his porn, or anything else for that matter.
I have to log off, but I'm putting you on the top of my email list. Hang in there, honey. You deserve better. Kick his a** out. If this is a religious issue, most religions will grant divorce for infidility.
I have to log off, but I'm putting you on the top of my email list. Hang in there, honey. You deserve better. Kick his a** out. If this is a religious issue, most religions will grant divorce for infidility.
He is most likely correct that he will be awarded a divorce eventually if he wants one badly enough, even if you will not sign any papers. You can certainly make it take a long long time and be very expensive, if you want.
Honestly, if you believe the marriage is over, why not just think seriously about separating for awhile and see how you feel about the financial issues once you have your life back? If you've been married a long time, you may be entitled to a share of pensions, etc. I don't know about that for sure; I know things have changed in the last few decades and 50/50 is pretty popular now, I just don't know exactly how that plays out. Obviously, the Social Security in the event of his death would be gone. Your kids with him would still be entitled, though, and you'll get your own Social Security when your time comes. You wouldn't be able to get both his and yours anyway, even if you were still married when he died, and not until you're retirement age anyway, unless you've got unusual circumstances, ya know?
From what you've posted about his behavior with the porn and the cheating in the past...yuck. If you don't love him anymore, get out for your own sake, get a good lawyer, and get on with your life.
I know I don't really know you, I just saw your post over on the poll thread and got interested in your story. I hope it all works out for the best, and remember to take care of yourself first.
Honestly, if you believe the marriage is over, why not just think seriously about separating for awhile and see how you feel about the financial issues once you have your life back? If you've been married a long time, you may be entitled to a share of pensions, etc. I don't know about that for sure; I know things have changed in the last few decades and 50/50 is pretty popular now, I just don't know exactly how that plays out. Obviously, the Social Security in the event of his death would be gone. Your kids with him would still be entitled, though, and you'll get your own Social Security when your time comes. You wouldn't be able to get both his and yours anyway, even if you were still married when he died, and not until you're retirement age anyway, unless you've got unusual circumstances, ya know?
From what you've posted about his behavior with the porn and the cheating in the past...yuck. If you don't love him anymore, get out for your own sake, get a good lawyer, and get on with your life.
I know I don't really know you, I just saw your post over on the poll thread and got interested in your story. I hope it all works out for the best, and remember to take care of yourself first.
Jewels-I don't know the answer to your question but there are some lawyers on here that will help you.I want to give you some moral support.
Getting clean and starting to work a program of Recovery brings a lot of change.Some of it is very uncomfortable.It doesn't mean it's bad either.We start working on ourselves but that doesn't mean everyone around us follows suit.I know when I started getting some self-esteem back in my life I started using the word no a lot.Things that I used to put up with were no longer o.k.
It was a weird feeling at first because I would rather just blow things off than have a confrontation.
Talk about this at your meeting too.Pray about it and start taking care of yourself.Whatever happens let it be a decision based with prayer and honesty.
No one is meant to be a doormat or put up with behavior that goes against our core beliefs.
You are coming alive.It's a powerful testament to the internal change that happens when we get clean start and adopting a spiritual path.The 12 steps are designed just for this.
Good Job
Getting clean and starting to work a program of Recovery brings a lot of change.Some of it is very uncomfortable.It doesn't mean it's bad either.We start working on ourselves but that doesn't mean everyone around us follows suit.I know when I started getting some self-esteem back in my life I started using the word no a lot.Things that I used to put up with were no longer o.k.
It was a weird feeling at first because I would rather just blow things off than have a confrontation.
Talk about this at your meeting too.Pray about it and start taking care of yourself.Whatever happens let it be a decision based with prayer and honesty.
No one is meant to be a doormat or put up with behavior that goes against our core beliefs.
You are coming alive.It's a powerful testament to the internal change that happens when we get clean start and adopting a spiritual path.The 12 steps are designed just for this.
Good Job
I lost you Jewels. Why would you contest the divorce. I am not sure of your situation but you have kids? Do you have assets in both names? Debt ? I would do a credit check ASAP as you may have a husband running up porn Or ?? on a credit card.
Anything in your name that he has access to I would cancel.
I would get away from this person ASAP. Is this possible? Its sad as divorce is a MULTI BILLION$ industry.
Jewels do whats best for your kids. Do they love there dad?
Regarding his death? How old is he?
Assets get split and he will have depending on what state your in have to support/Alimony
The more you fight the uglier and more Expensive it gets. About the kids do you have term insurance? Its cheap and will protect you and your kids in case of an untimely death.
Good luck--Jeff
jeff i want to contest the divorce because i fear i would lose what benefits are rightly mine so i can support myself.
the house is in both our names, all the utilities are in his name and we have our own separate credit cards
our sons are 19 and 22 now and yes they love their dad.
my husband is 14 yrs older than me 64 yrs.
we have a 70,000 life insurance on him. jewels
the house is in both our names, all the utilities are in his name and we have our own separate credit cards
our sons are 19 and 22 now and yes they love their dad.
my husband is 14 yrs older than me 64 yrs.
we have a 70,000 life insurance on him. jewels
I am not a lawyer. There are ways of getting advice for free.
The life insurance is it term? Who pays it? A lawyer would advise you on the insurance. Judges tend to be into 50-50
Pension , assets ,would be split up. You do not lose anything. Your kids thank god are grown up.
You basically would split up all assets and go on with your life.
I f you fight it you bring stress anger ?
its your call
Jeff
The life insurance is it term? Who pays it? A lawyer would advise you on the insurance. Judges tend to be into 50-50
Pension , assets ,would be split up. You do not lose anything. Your kids thank god are grown up.
You basically would split up all assets and go on with your life.
I f you fight it you bring stress anger ?
its your call
Jeff
(((((((((((((((jewels))))))))))))))))))
i have to get ready for work..........
but i just wanted to say , i love ya, and i will say a prayer for you.........
sorry that your having to go through this.......
because you have such a beautiful heart.........
love
thumper
i have to get ready for work..........
but i just wanted to say , i love ya, and i will say a prayer for you.........
sorry that your having to go through this.......
because you have such a beautiful heart.........
love
thumper
Jewels, A good person to ask is Danny. He has alot of insight on this issue. Take Care, Shantel
Jewels,
over salt his food, wax the floors and toss a few bananna peels around.
>grin<
xxxxoooo
over salt his food, wax the floors and toss a few bananna peels around.
>grin<
xxxxoooo
I agree with Kat.
Put Vics vapor rub and jalepeno juice in his lubricants. Or fire ants.
Anyway, I say it is time to go, girlie. This marriage is bringing you down and you can take care of yourself. You don't need that slimeball cheater around.
To thine own self be true. You are putting up with too much and it will eventually drag you down.
he went on to say i am a b*tch and he wants a divorce and he will tell the judge that i have destroyed personal property.
Yeah, I'd like to see the look on the judge's face when you tell him what it was.
*these boots were made for walkin.......*
Put Vics vapor rub and jalepeno juice in his lubricants. Or fire ants.
Anyway, I say it is time to go, girlie. This marriage is bringing you down and you can take care of yourself. You don't need that slimeball cheater around.
To thine own self be true. You are putting up with too much and it will eventually drag you down.
he went on to say i am a b*tch and he wants a divorce and he will tell the judge that i have destroyed personal property.
Yeah, I'd like to see the look on the judge's face when you tell him what it was.
*these boots were made for walkin.......*
Icy hot in the lubricant bottle too funny. You know the funny thing is he is addicted to porn it is a very real addiction, so I have been told wink wink. Anyway he is overindulging way too much and there really is not going to be anything you can say to "make" him quit just as he could not say anything to make you quit taking pills. I would ask myself if you are better off with or without him make a list I think you will be surprised at how many items are on the "con" side Hang in there jewels I can't imagine having to deal with that now
Roxy
Roxy
Jewels,
Maybe ask Danny about this. He's in Illinois and there's a difference between equitable division of assets and a straight 50-50 split. You may come out of this divorce better financially than you realize.
But agree with the others, it's time to go.
Love,
Gina
Maybe ask Danny about this. He's in Illinois and there's a difference between equitable division of assets and a straight 50-50 split. You may come out of this divorce better financially than you realize.
But agree with the others, it's time to go.
Love,
Gina
lol lol hahahaaaaaaha! jalenpeno juice and vicks vapo rub!!! ooh thats a good one!
i have known for quite some time now that it is time to go, i have so much on my plate that i am dealing with, this husband problem is just the icing on the cake, you guys would cringe if you knew everything i am TRYING to deal with now and amazingly i came out of rehab in july with strict warning to not be under too much stress and guess what the stress has tripled but i have not had a pain pill to numb all this sh*t since july 10th 06! i am dependant on suboxone now! one day at a time julie, one problem at a time....
i explained that i lost my financial independance to be a stay at home mom for which i have no regrets as the benefit of that has paid off, i have two beautiful grown adult sons now that i am so proud of, of all the bad things that happened to me in this thing called life, i raised two sons with morals, spirituality and LOVE! can you believe with their genetic history they are clean, no drugs or alcohol yet, and i say yet cautiously cuz it could occur at any age, i go to meetings with a man who became addicted at 53!
i barely make 100 dollars a week now as i am in a new salon trying to build a clientele. my book is slow cuz i have been side tracked by rehabs, surgeries, sick days and diabetes but i am ready to start building, my boss pulls in a thousand a week! and if that happens for me GOOD BYE! i can finally be free, i know God is in the drivers seat now and by my getting clean and starting some stepwork i hope i can better my life now, i spent so many years believing i was trash because thats how my mom dad and husband treats me. i know i am not to blame anyone for my addiction, but it has taken many years for me to believe i am a good person. so with that being said i think i am taking baby steps in the right direction and i have to leave and go to church for my handbell
practice and our wed night dinners at church, be back later, thanks for the support everyone, jewels.
i have known for quite some time now that it is time to go, i have so much on my plate that i am dealing with, this husband problem is just the icing on the cake, you guys would cringe if you knew everything i am TRYING to deal with now and amazingly i came out of rehab in july with strict warning to not be under too much stress and guess what the stress has tripled but i have not had a pain pill to numb all this sh*t since july 10th 06! i am dependant on suboxone now! one day at a time julie, one problem at a time....
i explained that i lost my financial independance to be a stay at home mom for which i have no regrets as the benefit of that has paid off, i have two beautiful grown adult sons now that i am so proud of, of all the bad things that happened to me in this thing called life, i raised two sons with morals, spirituality and LOVE! can you believe with their genetic history they are clean, no drugs or alcohol yet, and i say yet cautiously cuz it could occur at any age, i go to meetings with a man who became addicted at 53!
i barely make 100 dollars a week now as i am in a new salon trying to build a clientele. my book is slow cuz i have been side tracked by rehabs, surgeries, sick days and diabetes but i am ready to start building, my boss pulls in a thousand a week! and if that happens for me GOOD BYE! i can finally be free, i know God is in the drivers seat now and by my getting clean and starting some stepwork i hope i can better my life now, i spent so many years believing i was trash because thats how my mom dad and husband treats me. i know i am not to blame anyone for my addiction, but it has taken many years for me to believe i am a good person. so with that being said i think i am taking baby steps in the right direction and i have to leave and go to church for my handbell
practice and our wed night dinners at church, be back later, thanks for the support everyone, jewels.
He is correct. He can file without you. 99% of divorces are initially contested. He will file a petition, at which you have to respond. Your attorney will probably advise you to counter file, for obvious reasons. If you do, you CAN NOT use the good old irreconcilable differences. You would have to use mental cruelty. If you sue him back though, it would be hard to sue for attorney fee's.
As far as Social Security, this is how it works. You ARE entitled to it under the following conditions. You do not remarry. He (and or you) apply for benefits within 10 years of the date the divorce is granted. This applies to any kind of social security (retirement, disability). After 10 years, poof, its gone. The is a Federal entitlement program and the state courts have no jurisdiction over it in the least. You do have claim to part of a pension, especially if its a 401K, which would be split between you, as determined by your agreement. The Social Security sounds like it will be gone because while he is 64, you are only 50 and wont hit the retirement age for 15 years or so. The exception is if you became disabled and applied that way. Then you would be able to claim his work credits as it sounds like you dont have many of your own.
As far as you destroying property, forget it. The Judge could care less that you destroyed his porn. He most likely will laugh about it. However, even though he might be a porn addict, watching porn and masturbating is not against the law and its something the judge will totally ignore, unless you use the tried and true mental cruelty. And forget bringing your sons into it. You cant protect adults, which is what they are.
You also cannot simply kick his a** out. A judge would have to order that. If your name is not on the house, forget about it. If thats the case (unlikely), you are out.
In Illinois, the grounds for divorce are as follows:
natural impotence at the time of the marriage and continuing thereafter
bigamy (also a ground for annulment)
adultery
wilfully desertion or absence from the petitioner for the space of one year
habitual drunkenness for the space of 2 years
gross and confirmed habits caused by the excessive use of addictive drugs for the space of 2 years
threatening the life of the other by poison or other means showing malice
extreme and repeated physical or mental cruelty
conviction of a felony or other infamous crime
Infecting the other spouse with a communicable venereal disease.
irreconcilable differences
Jewel, Illinois is an equitable distribution State. As Ive said to others, its not what it sounds like. It means the assets FROM the marriage are split by determing who has the greater need (which you seem to). Illinois is by no means 50/50. Your sons do not count in that equation, unless they are in college (MAYBE..there are qualifiers for that too). They have reached the age of majority so they dont count. It sounds like you are a stay at home and that works for you. Remember, any asset brought into the marriage by either of you is not marital property and not divided. Inheritances are also not divided. As an example, my first wife was a stay at home. The split was 70/30 (which turned out to be more like 95/5 for other reasons not ordered by the court). The judge will order you to sell the house and divide the equity with whatever split he comes up with. Liquid assets are usually divided 50/50. Cars also. Furniture and other stuff they will usually let you two work it out. Also, as a stay at home, you more than likely can get alimony (if YOU win)
Hes going to nail you on the addiction. For sure. Count on it.
Substitute Preparation H for his lube. That will shrink his swelling.
Jewels, Ive been in the Illinois courts now for 15 years and two divorces. I know what works and what doesnt. Your in Will County right?
As far as Social Security, this is how it works. You ARE entitled to it under the following conditions. You do not remarry. He (and or you) apply for benefits within 10 years of the date the divorce is granted. This applies to any kind of social security (retirement, disability). After 10 years, poof, its gone. The is a Federal entitlement program and the state courts have no jurisdiction over it in the least. You do have claim to part of a pension, especially if its a 401K, which would be split between you, as determined by your agreement. The Social Security sounds like it will be gone because while he is 64, you are only 50 and wont hit the retirement age for 15 years or so. The exception is if you became disabled and applied that way. Then you would be able to claim his work credits as it sounds like you dont have many of your own.
As far as you destroying property, forget it. The Judge could care less that you destroyed his porn. He most likely will laugh about it. However, even though he might be a porn addict, watching porn and masturbating is not against the law and its something the judge will totally ignore, unless you use the tried and true mental cruelty. And forget bringing your sons into it. You cant protect adults, which is what they are.
You also cannot simply kick his a** out. A judge would have to order that. If your name is not on the house, forget about it. If thats the case (unlikely), you are out.
In Illinois, the grounds for divorce are as follows:
natural impotence at the time of the marriage and continuing thereafter
bigamy (also a ground for annulment)
adultery
wilfully desertion or absence from the petitioner for the space of one year
habitual drunkenness for the space of 2 years
gross and confirmed habits caused by the excessive use of addictive drugs for the space of 2 years
threatening the life of the other by poison or other means showing malice
extreme and repeated physical or mental cruelty
conviction of a felony or other infamous crime
Infecting the other spouse with a communicable venereal disease.
irreconcilable differences
Jewel, Illinois is an equitable distribution State. As Ive said to others, its not what it sounds like. It means the assets FROM the marriage are split by determing who has the greater need (which you seem to). Illinois is by no means 50/50. Your sons do not count in that equation, unless they are in college (MAYBE..there are qualifiers for that too). They have reached the age of majority so they dont count. It sounds like you are a stay at home and that works for you. Remember, any asset brought into the marriage by either of you is not marital property and not divided. Inheritances are also not divided. As an example, my first wife was a stay at home. The split was 70/30 (which turned out to be more like 95/5 for other reasons not ordered by the court). The judge will order you to sell the house and divide the equity with whatever split he comes up with. Liquid assets are usually divided 50/50. Cars also. Furniture and other stuff they will usually let you two work it out. Also, as a stay at home, you more than likely can get alimony (if YOU win)
Hes going to nail you on the addiction. For sure. Count on it.
Substitute Preparation H for his lube. That will shrink his swelling.
Jewels, Ive been in the Illinois courts now for 15 years and two divorces. I know what works and what doesnt. Your in Will County right?
| QUOTE |
| Preparation H for his lube. That will shrink his swelling. |
ROFLMAO!!!
Jewels,
That one has my vote.
Love,
Gina
Jewels, Told you Danny had a lot of insight on this subject. LOL Shantel
danny thank you for the advice i am in kane county.we just had a huge fight his cell phone just rang and i could hear a womans voice, when he hung up i asked him who that was he said it was denise wishing him a happy valentines day. i said thats real nice a married man getting phone calls from a woman, he replied he is not married.i could go on to say all the hurtful things he just said to me but i think i am just gonna let it go... please God, guide and direct my path. julie
He's not married, huh?
Are you cooking his meals? Washing his clothes? Cleaing the toilet seat he pisses on?
Don't do it anymore if you are, Jewels. Go on a complete strike.
The nerve of some men.
xxxxxooooo
Are you cooking his meals? Washing his clothes? Cleaing the toilet seat he pisses on?
Don't do it anymore if you are, Jewels. Go on a complete strike.
The nerve of some men.
xxxxxooooo
Jewls,
I am going to send you an email, but I wanted to say a couple of things here, first. First of all, listen to Danny. For all he has been through, researched, etc., he should be awarded an honorary law degree. If anyone knows about divorce in IL, it's him.
Secondly, find a good attorney and meet with him for a consultation. Scrape up the money and do it. You can consult with an attorney, but not file until you are ready. Sorting through all of this with a good attorney will create a sense of security for you. Many of your fears will be put to rest. The attorney will give you all the facts and make you stop worrying about what doesn't matter. Once you have the attorney "on standby" you will feel much better about everything. As it stands now, you are unprepared. Once that changes, you'll feel a hell of a lot better.
Going to email you now.
I am going to send you an email, but I wanted to say a couple of things here, first. First of all, listen to Danny. For all he has been through, researched, etc., he should be awarded an honorary law degree. If anyone knows about divorce in IL, it's him.
Secondly, find a good attorney and meet with him for a consultation. Scrape up the money and do it. You can consult with an attorney, but not file until you are ready. Sorting through all of this with a good attorney will create a sense of security for you. Many of your fears will be put to rest. The attorney will give you all the facts and make you stop worrying about what doesn't matter. Once you have the attorney "on standby" you will feel much better about everything. As it stands now, you are unprepared. Once that changes, you'll feel a hell of a lot better.
Going to email you now.
