Im a first timer to this site - but, cant openly speak about any of my struggles with my family or friends... Im in love. Real love. Sadly, Im in love with a heroin addict. Ive known him since we kids - and, we reconnected about 18 months ago. The first few months were off and on, and I didnt quite understand why I wasnt enough. We got back together, and I found out that he had been using for about 10 years. We talked about him quitting, went thru a few tough times with him leaving for days or weeks at a time - but, he would always come back crying for me to take him back. Things got so bad earlier this year that we gor him into a detox facility for 30 days. I drove 4 hours every weekend to see him on family day, and he looked and sounded incredible. Since leaving, he picked back up due to anxiety and emotional turmoil from his past. He isnt working, and I support him. My biggest concern is that he lies when he knows that by telling me it will stir up a fight. To make things worse, he has a lot of female friends that seem to have a thing for him, and that alone has made me extremely insecure. Most of the time, things are great - but, the occasional fight normally turns into him taking off. He has deep rooted emotional issues, and using is the only thing that lets him stay sane. Im at my whits end... I stay up at night worrying about him, and am scared that nothing is going to ever change. I love him but dont know if its time to just let go. How long do I keep fighting to help him be his true self??
It is hard to love an addict. You remind me of my son's gf that just recently told him she had to leave. I was surprised it took her this long. The sad thing is that I know my son cares about her, but in his present state, he cannot care about her. His only focus is using and partying. I hated to see her go because she is a doll. So sweet and so good for him. I am happy for her, though, that she finally realized her worth. It was difficult watching my son disappear, not show up, give her an hour or so of his day and then off to use. She loved him and could see the good in him. She kept trying to hang in there with him. He was oblivious. It was very sad because they dated since they were young. He was so sweet to her and they were so cute together before he spiraled down. I cried so hard when he told me. I will miss her. But, she HAD to do it. There was no other choice at this time.
Only you can decide, but being around any addict is heartache, whether they mean to hurt or you not. They want the drug to the point that it blocks out everything else. My opinion is to leave until he has some longer term time being clean. The problem is his addiction to the drug and it will not get any better until he decides to get rid of that.
Wishing you the best and keep sharing.
Only you can decide, but being around any addict is heartache, whether they mean to hurt or you not. They want the drug to the point that it blocks out everything else. My opinion is to leave until he has some longer term time being clean. The problem is his addiction to the drug and it will not get any better until he decides to get rid of that.
Wishing you the best and keep sharing.
just want to share. your post reminds me of a few yrs ago when my son was dating someone who was not using. clean, nice young woman. he, his friends, his agenda came first. he kept them separate. he would be out w his friends, at a friends house "watching a movie". she would show up here at 10pm, he would come home, she would stay the night. then he was not coming home, we finally told her "don't do this" it isn't right.. at that time we found out about his drug use, and sent him to rehab. she did not know what was going on. It was sad to realize what he was doing. He was not raised this way.
It is sad when the drug usage is first and cant even see he is treating a nice girl in a disrespectful way.
Upto current situation: he went away to rehab, twice in two years, also in sober living situations. was supposed to "get back on his feet". never did. even after having opportunities and working. begin of 2017 came back home. Start over, had job. Still swears was not using, yet his pay check disappears. has never saved a dollar in the past 10 years! (he's 28).
avoids all bills. just about never pays us back, even though he promises. we are always 'holding our breath" from pay check to pay check to see if he will. Earlier this year I was managing his money, taking the amount to pay his bills. what ever he had left, he spent. after 4-5 months I got tired of it, as I wanted him to take an interest and participate in his bill paying. I gave the bills back to him and he barely paid them. then he lost his job. He has started seeing a therapist and dr over past two months, but I think that is a prescription game. He started a new job a week ago. Promises to pay us a few hundred back for the small amounts we have given him over the past 6 wks and new sneakers for work, Now I am on edge to see what will happen when he gets pay check.....
On one hand, I want to take the $$ and dole it out to him and pay his bills. On the other hand, I am just tired of it. Playing a money game with a 28 yrs old! I am thinking I will tell him if he cant pay us back and pay his bills, then he needs to leave Jan 1st.
The puzzleing thing is that he swears he is not using, and currently, he seems to be OK. comes home early, goes to work..... idk if $$ is going to gf who is dysfunctional and lives in a dysfunctional house hold.....
This financial problem is the only problem.... if he would just be normal about it.... it's not that hard to budget.... I wish I had a crystal ball to see what is Really going on....
I plan to go to a local recovery center for counciling next week... hoping they can shed some light on this situation, as they have more experience than I do.
Of course when my son needs $$ - he knows where to find me... When he has money - "he forgot, didn't know, thought something else" I get silence and avoidance from him.
Add another car to the addiction roller coaster!
krybronad - This money "shell game" - "Now you see it, Now you don't" has been going on for years for us.... somehow it dips into our trust and generosity and they (our addicted loved ones) use it to their advantage.
example - I would not think of actually taking my son's pay check out of his account without his OK. I want Him to actually participate in paying me back and go thru the motions of his responsibility. Yet, he will tell me he will pay me back while knowing that he wont. and then he will avoid me until he spends thru his check. What I should do is take the $$ -- but then he will be Mad --- and I don't want to make him mad at me! Geesh.....
This is the point we get to --- where we just don't want to be a part of the game!
Good Luck ! Let us know how you are doing!
It is sad when the drug usage is first and cant even see he is treating a nice girl in a disrespectful way.
Upto current situation: he went away to rehab, twice in two years, also in sober living situations. was supposed to "get back on his feet". never did. even after having opportunities and working. begin of 2017 came back home. Start over, had job. Still swears was not using, yet his pay check disappears. has never saved a dollar in the past 10 years! (he's 28).
avoids all bills. just about never pays us back, even though he promises. we are always 'holding our breath" from pay check to pay check to see if he will. Earlier this year I was managing his money, taking the amount to pay his bills. what ever he had left, he spent. after 4-5 months I got tired of it, as I wanted him to take an interest and participate in his bill paying. I gave the bills back to him and he barely paid them. then he lost his job. He has started seeing a therapist and dr over past two months, but I think that is a prescription game. He started a new job a week ago. Promises to pay us a few hundred back for the small amounts we have given him over the past 6 wks and new sneakers for work, Now I am on edge to see what will happen when he gets pay check.....
On one hand, I want to take the $$ and dole it out to him and pay his bills. On the other hand, I am just tired of it. Playing a money game with a 28 yrs old! I am thinking I will tell him if he cant pay us back and pay his bills, then he needs to leave Jan 1st.
The puzzleing thing is that he swears he is not using, and currently, he seems to be OK. comes home early, goes to work..... idk if $$ is going to gf who is dysfunctional and lives in a dysfunctional house hold.....
This financial problem is the only problem.... if he would just be normal about it.... it's not that hard to budget.... I wish I had a crystal ball to see what is Really going on....
I plan to go to a local recovery center for counciling next week... hoping they can shed some light on this situation, as they have more experience than I do.
Of course when my son needs $$ - he knows where to find me... When he has money - "he forgot, didn't know, thought something else" I get silence and avoidance from him.
Add another car to the addiction roller coaster!
krybronad - This money "shell game" - "Now you see it, Now you don't" has been going on for years for us.... somehow it dips into our trust and generosity and they (our addicted loved ones) use it to their advantage.
example - I would not think of actually taking my son's pay check out of his account without his OK. I want Him to actually participate in paying me back and go thru the motions of his responsibility. Yet, he will tell me he will pay me back while knowing that he wont. and then he will avoid me until he spends thru his check. What I should do is take the $$ -- but then he will be Mad --- and I don't want to make him mad at me! Geesh.....
This is the point we get to --- where we just don't want to be a part of the game!
Good Luck ! Let us know how you are doing!
kyrbroand --- suggest your bf move to a sober living home - so you can get out from under the role of care taker. that would be best solution for him and you. he needs to be independent and responsible for his own care taking.
yes - I know that is the goal, but I have had slim success with my son. In your case he is not your son.... you don't need to support him.
Your last statement "how do I help him to be his true self" That is what I have been trying to do for my son. I feel that his thinking is immature and self esteem is low. seems like he does what others want or does not put his own care first. you can give guidance, but he has to want to go thru the correct processes (counseling, etc) to be his true self. we don't know what that true self is and neither does he. I think the best advice is to have a good conversation with him, get him to move to a sober living home where there is therapy, growth and guidance. and keep your relationship in the slow lane. He did not learn coping skills or life skills and has to be taught some how. but it is too complicated for you to do on your own. He needs to make the decision to leave the drugs behind and focus on himself.
On this note, if I'm so smart, why is my son in this situation... maybe a combination of his immaturity and maybe we missed it when he was a teen and just thought he would mature and make good decisions on his own. his behavior has always been just under the radar. not too bad, easy to over look and hope for the best.
yes - I know that is the goal, but I have had slim success with my son. In your case he is not your son.... you don't need to support him.
Your last statement "how do I help him to be his true self" That is what I have been trying to do for my son. I feel that his thinking is immature and self esteem is low. seems like he does what others want or does not put his own care first. you can give guidance, but he has to want to go thru the correct processes (counseling, etc) to be his true self. we don't know what that true self is and neither does he. I think the best advice is to have a good conversation with him, get him to move to a sober living home where there is therapy, growth and guidance. and keep your relationship in the slow lane. He did not learn coping skills or life skills and has to be taught some how. but it is too complicated for you to do on your own. He needs to make the decision to leave the drugs behind and focus on himself.
On this note, if I'm so smart, why is my son in this situation... maybe a combination of his immaturity and maybe we missed it when he was a teen and just thought he would mature and make good decisions on his own. his behavior has always been just under the radar. not too bad, easy to over look and hope for the best.
Dear Krybroand, i was struck by your question, how long do I stay and help him find his true self? As i spent nearly a year hoping that if my son could only be brought back to a "normal" life, i.e. no drugs, he would remember how good his life once was, and could be again. It only gave him 12 more months of a warm bed, full belly and absolutely no reason to change. It is a very harsh truth, but no one has the ability to change another. For me, there seemed to be 3 stages of addiction...shock, shame and secrets. During the first two stages, I did alot of running, fixing, covering up to keep the wolf from the door. Guess what? The wolf slipped in thru the window. Living in stage 3, secrets is hard, but they now get to be my son's secrets only. He does not have me on board anymore with any cover stories. I know you long for the man you once knew, t ask yourself if you will love him, and yourself, to death. Keep posting, and reaching out. Sending peace and strength, Libby
hi Libby - I guess you are spot on. we have made some progress in the years, but maybe we are in stage 3 - there are still secrets. I do not think I am in denial or pretending that all is well. I have thought that if all is well enough for a while, it will be well. fake it till ya make it. But, unfortunately, my husband kicked out my son this morning. bc he called in sick for work. he was not sick, he was tired from working 4, 10 hour days at a warehouse. so the s**t is in the crapper. any progress made is a complete undo. If it isn't one being an A@ its the other.
Loving Welcome. We are so sorry that addiction has touched your life. We here have also been touched by addiction . . . and understand the painful and scary journey you are enduring. We hope that you find some form of comfort, encouragement or support here.
How long do you fight??? If he had cancer, you couldn't fight it for him. You couldn't take the chemo or radiation for him. If he had high blood pressure, you couldn't take the meds for him or make him check his pressure or change his diet. In fact, if he had any illness or disease, you couldn't help him manage it or treat it or control it. The same is true with the disease of addiction. This isn't your fight. This is HIS fight. You see things so clearly that even Stevie Wonder could see them, but our addicts don't. We make them a priority . . . and because of their illness, they make drugs their priority. This is why, as the other folks who posted have so eloquently said, loving an addict is so heart-wrenching.
I just want to add the following story to the excellent advice you've been given already.
Our then 20 yo daughter was roughing it in FL . . . being homeless . . . using sober living facilities as hotels . . .living with bed bugs & roaches . . . wondering where her next meal was coming from . . . looking whooped. She loved her drugs as well as her addict bf. Long story made short . . . I finally got her to fly home with me. My idea was if she came home and saw the fridge full of food, felt the warm/clean/sanitary bed, got her nails & hair done, etc . . . . in short, live like she did pre-addiction . . she'd want to not only stay home but leave her drug life style (and the bf). This makes sense, right??? Choosing the comforts and safety of home vs the uncertainty of dope & the streets. Guess what she chose? Yep . . . she went back to FL.
Remember the 3 Cs: You didn't cause his addiction; you can't control it; and you can't cure it. The best you can do is to detach with love . . . not enable. ... and love yourself as much as you love him.
Sending hugs . . .
Lynn
xoxo
How long do you fight??? If he had cancer, you couldn't fight it for him. You couldn't take the chemo or radiation for him. If he had high blood pressure, you couldn't take the meds for him or make him check his pressure or change his diet. In fact, if he had any illness or disease, you couldn't help him manage it or treat it or control it. The same is true with the disease of addiction. This isn't your fight. This is HIS fight. You see things so clearly that even Stevie Wonder could see them, but our addicts don't. We make them a priority . . . and because of their illness, they make drugs their priority. This is why, as the other folks who posted have so eloquently said, loving an addict is so heart-wrenching.
I just want to add the following story to the excellent advice you've been given already.
Our then 20 yo daughter was roughing it in FL . . . being homeless . . . using sober living facilities as hotels . . .living with bed bugs & roaches . . . wondering where her next meal was coming from . . . looking whooped. She loved her drugs as well as her addict bf. Long story made short . . . I finally got her to fly home with me. My idea was if she came home and saw the fridge full of food, felt the warm/clean/sanitary bed, got her nails & hair done, etc . . . . in short, live like she did pre-addiction . . she'd want to not only stay home but leave her drug life style (and the bf). This makes sense, right??? Choosing the comforts and safety of home vs the uncertainty of dope & the streets. Guess what she chose? Yep . . . she went back to FL.
Remember the 3 Cs: You didn't cause his addiction; you can't control it; and you can't cure it. The best you can do is to detach with love . . . not enable. ... and love yourself as much as you love him.
Sending hugs . . .
Lynn
xoxo
