Our son went through rehab in treatment and then extensive out treatment then a therapist. We were walking a great road. He had a job and was looking forward to life. One week before court we started noticing changes. The night before court he came home drunk. Court went great and all he has is 2 years probation. The next day I found his phone and saw he was communicating with his old drig friends. That evening he lost his job. He came home said he couldn't face our disappointmenr and left. Since then I seen him doing fetenol patches. I called tehab but no one makes them stay. If he has a dirty urine its 6 years in jail mandatory. I don't know if rehab really works for someone who doesn't want it but does jail work for a drug addict. Should I call his probation officer knowing it will mean jail or do I sweat it out and hope he doesnt die. This is awful.
I don't want to sound harsh but it's not your place to call the probation officer or go through his things and babysit him. If he's on probation, they'll figure out soon enough if he's breaking it. I'm certain that he has to meet with his PO and I'm certain they drug test him. His recovery is up to him, plain and simple. If he has broke the law, whether it's because of drugs or not, he has to pay the consequences for his actions. That includes breaking probation. He'll never ever learn to own up to his life if he doesn't have to face the consequences.
Michelle
Michelle
I agree with Michelle. It isn't your place to call his probation officer. I understand you are trying to prevent a jail sentence and are worried about him, but this is a lesson that your son needs to learn on his own. There is a post titled "Let Me Fall All By Myself" in this message board. They are wise words.
I am more worried about him overdosing.
Not a thing you can do about him ODing...not one thing. Sorry, but that's a fact. My advice, stay on your own side of the street...it's hard, but you can do it.
Peace ~ MomNMore
Peace ~ MomNMore
Like M&M said it is hard but can be done. I am queen of the enablers and after doing it for over 20+ years I stopped this year. Now I have a 45 y/o homeless son and I no longer give him one red cent or help him anymore.
I still love my son but doing all we did over the years just slowed down the process and got in the way. Our helping him was "killing" him because it allowed him to buy drugs and continue on the path of self destruction!
Stay strong and stop now or you will be coming to his rescue till your dying breath.
Prayers and wisdom--Lori
I still love my son but doing all we did over the years just slowed down the process and got in the way. Our helping him was "killing" him because it allowed him to buy drugs and continue on the path of self destruction!
Stay strong and stop now or you will be coming to his rescue till your dying breath.
Prayers and wisdom--Lori
2kittys-
ok. . .BREATHE!!!
I know that OD'ing . . and worrying whether they will be revived or not. . .is our worst fear as a parent. I've been through both. So I get the abject fear you are experiencing. But I've got to echo what every body else has said: YOU CANNOT PREVENT AN OD!!!!! Remember the 3 C's: You didn't cause the addiction; you can't control it; and you can't cure it.
If the PO asks, I wouldn't lie. But I wouldn't make the first move. I get the idea: you want to protect him. . .get him help. . .and soften the blow. That's our knee jerk reaction bc we love our kids. But I believe there is a BIG difference between parenting a non-addict vs addict child. The "rules" (for lack of a better word . . .it's early in the morning here) for one do not necessarily apply to the other. In addition to reading "Let Me Fall," read the post, "What Not To Do." Of course. . .If he is a danger to himself/others (eg, you know that he's going to commit armed robbery to get high), then yes. . .I'd drop a dime. But short of something so extreme that puts him and/or others in danger, I would not call to report him.
Sending hugs and prayers because I know this isn't easy.
Lynn
ok. . .BREATHE!!!
I know that OD'ing . . and worrying whether they will be revived or not. . .is our worst fear as a parent. I've been through both. So I get the abject fear you are experiencing. But I've got to echo what every body else has said: YOU CANNOT PREVENT AN OD!!!!! Remember the 3 C's: You didn't cause the addiction; you can't control it; and you can't cure it.
If the PO asks, I wouldn't lie. But I wouldn't make the first move. I get the idea: you want to protect him. . .get him help. . .and soften the blow. That's our knee jerk reaction bc we love our kids. But I believe there is a BIG difference between parenting a non-addict vs addict child. The "rules" (for lack of a better word . . .it's early in the morning here) for one do not necessarily apply to the other. In addition to reading "Let Me Fall," read the post, "What Not To Do." Of course. . .If he is a danger to himself/others (eg, you know that he's going to commit armed robbery to get high), then yes. . .I'd drop a dime. But short of something so extreme that puts him and/or others in danger, I would not call to report him.
Sending hugs and prayers because I know this isn't easy.
Lynn
Hurtingmom Lyn
Thank you for the 3 C's. I did not know that and it helped. I watched my girlfriend tell her story. Her son died of heroin in may. I never knew about it for two years. She kept it hidden for ten. As she told her story I could see my sons footsteps in her sons. Because I didn't know, I was not kind as I watched this vibrant woman slowly become a shell of herself. I regret that. Her eyes swollen like mine as we tell our stories, only I still keep mine hidden to a point. I don't want to walk her path, I guess thats why I want to tell the probation officer. I have a good therapist. We are trying an intervention if he shows. I am going to shut down the phones as my soul cannot take the pain. I think of Christ as he asks his father, please do not make me drink from this cup. Thanks for your kind words.
Thank you for the 3 C's. I did not know that and it helped. I watched my girlfriend tell her story. Her son died of heroin in may. I never knew about it for two years. She kept it hidden for ten. As she told her story I could see my sons footsteps in her sons. Because I didn't know, I was not kind as I watched this vibrant woman slowly become a shell of herself. I regret that. Her eyes swollen like mine as we tell our stories, only I still keep mine hidden to a point. I don't want to walk her path, I guess thats why I want to tell the probation officer. I have a good therapist. We are trying an intervention if he shows. I am going to shut down the phones as my soul cannot take the pain. I think of Christ as he asks his father, please do not make me drink from this cup. Thanks for your kind words.
Read all that you can about loving an addict, enabling and detaching with love. Find an Alanon or Naranon meeting. Keep coming back here. Addiction is a disease that effects the whole family. You may not be able to prevent the tears, worry and fear. But know you are not alone any longer.
Hugs,
Lynn
Hugs,
Lynn
I learn something every time I get on this board. I read your post and my first response was "yes, you should call his PO immediately". But then I read the other posts. It is so hard to not want to control everything. I am used to being in control, and fixing everything. After reading all the responses, (ok, after reading the first one) I thought it through and.... it seems that calling and reporting to his PO would be attempting to control the situation. We really are powerless over our loved one's addiction. We can't fix it, and we need to not try to control it. We can set boundaries, which I have found very helpful. But we can't control it. If you call and report him, and he goes to prison, you feel responsible. If things go bad in prison, you feel responsible. If you don't call, and he OD's, you feel responsible. We have to recognize that we are not in control of this, and that is so hard. Thank you for your post, and thank you to those that responded and helped me see another side I had not thought about.
