I will be admitting to my home group tomorrow (I already admitted to my sponsor) that I'd been smoking pot during my first year of sobriety. My sponsor suggested I pick up another white chip tomorrow and change my sober date. At the end of the day I did not drink this past year. I did use pot as a crutch but how is that different from other AAs I know who take antidepressants or xanax or sleeping pills? I guess cuz it's prescribed and I don't know if some may have mental illness...Like another AA friend I talked to today who I admitted what I've done she said I dont' have to take away all the step work that got me this far. I did the deal and did not drink. I worked the 12 steps with my sponsor. Do the weekly coffee for service work. I do my step 3 pray every morning as well as my step 10. Make my amends if need be every day...doin' the deal, right? Now, as I enter year 2 of sobriety I am committed to doing it CLEAN and sober.
Do I have to start at 'ground zero' and pick up the white chip which means I agree to join 'this way of life'? I did jump in with both feet and join.
I know I sound defensive and resentful but these are feelings I have to work out and I appreciate the board letting me work it out. I just want your thoughts and feedback. Thank you.
if you're an alcoholic it's beyond me how you can get stoned and not reach for a beer or a drink...
My recovery programe is quite simple: I surrender anew and eagerly each and every joy, filled with joy and gratitude at the chance to offer my thanks for life in the only way I know how - of my own free will chosing to do the bidding of the Power that created the Universe out of Love for me and all Creation.
Today I stepped back from something because inside I felt it right to do so. I fought this. I wanted to do this thing. But against my Will I stepped back, not really knowing why.
Two haours later I drove towards the library to do some research, past the lake I often walk around. I felt a nudge to stop....I resisted, the research is good for me....but something softly, tenderly, quietly told me to stop and enjoy the lake....so I did....I saw a man staring at the water. It was alive with fish spawning, a sight I've never seen before. Dozens of Carp three feet and more long, a foot in depth and six inches across, massive creatures breaking the surface and thrashing about, muscular, graceful, dancing a life-creating dance in sparking clear water....life loves life, life flows through us and the Power that creates it is your guide......
What's a Higher Power for, if not to be your unfailing, loving guide.......
Have a great day! I am :)
Love,
Martin
Today I stepped back from something because inside I felt it right to do so. I fought this. I wanted to do this thing. But against my Will I stepped back, not really knowing why.
Two haours later I drove towards the library to do some research, past the lake I often walk around. I felt a nudge to stop....I resisted, the research is good for me....but something softly, tenderly, quietly told me to stop and enjoy the lake....so I did....I saw a man staring at the water. It was alive with fish spawning, a sight I've never seen before. Dozens of Carp three feet and more long, a foot in depth and six inches across, massive creatures breaking the surface and thrashing about, muscular, graceful, dancing a life-creating dance in sparking clear water....life loves life, life flows through us and the Power that creates it is your guide......
What's a Higher Power for, if not to be your unfailing, loving guide.......
Have a great day! I am :)
Love,
Martin
Hi, PQL
Read my story and you may find some similarities. I have an addictive nature: If one is good, I want more. If one is a lifetime supply, I'll take six, please. It's what I do--or did. I over-did everything, including sex, exercize, refined sugar, alcohol, nicotine, ludes, speed, hash, dope, you name it.
Mood Altering Drugs. M.A.D. That's me. "Better living through chemicals," was my motto and if one was good, a dozen might just do the trick. Hell, when I joined AA I obsessed over the f***ing sobriety chips! "Just get me to 6 months and I'll be fine," I'd say to myself. And I'd sneak a 1-month to go with my 3-month to make sure I was at four months. And so on.
So I needed to stop, but didn't know how.
I decided that if The Steps would help with my drinking, they probably would work in the other aspects of my life. Today I am drug free, alcohol free, chem free, nearly sugar free, and "Me" free. You're doing the right thing--just remember who you have to answer to when your head hits the pillow. To Thine OWN Self Be True.
Congratulations on finally understanding HONESTY.
:)
Read my story and you may find some similarities. I have an addictive nature: If one is good, I want more. If one is a lifetime supply, I'll take six, please. It's what I do--or did. I over-did everything, including sex, exercize, refined sugar, alcohol, nicotine, ludes, speed, hash, dope, you name it.
Mood Altering Drugs. M.A.D. That's me. "Better living through chemicals," was my motto and if one was good, a dozen might just do the trick. Hell, when I joined AA I obsessed over the f***ing sobriety chips! "Just get me to 6 months and I'll be fine," I'd say to myself. And I'd sneak a 1-month to go with my 3-month to make sure I was at four months. And so on.
So I needed to stop, but didn't know how.
I decided that if The Steps would help with my drinking, they probably would work in the other aspects of my life. Today I am drug free, alcohol free, chem free, nearly sugar free, and "Me" free. You're doing the right thing--just remember who you have to answer to when your head hits the pillow. To Thine OWN Self Be True.
Congratulations on finally understanding HONESTY.
:)
If you are comfortable stating that you have a year of sobriety so be it. No one can tell you to pick up a white chip. It's your choice. It's all about self honesty. If you'd like to know what "I" would do, I'd be happy to tell you.
It's all about self honesty.
And when I'm honest with God and myself, pride and ego aren't present.....Why don't you pray on it and then listen for the answer's you are searching for....you probably already know what the next right thing to do is.....
I can relate to the feelings you're going through as I went through some of the same when I first came back to AA and raised my hand with 30 days and hadn't had a drink in over 8 years but I had found another way to feed my disease with pills, today with complete honesty, I can say I am clean & sober and grateful for this way of life.....
xoxo
Stacey
And when I'm honest with God and myself, pride and ego aren't present.....Why don't you pray on it and then listen for the answer's you are searching for....you probably already know what the next right thing to do is.....
I can relate to the feelings you're going through as I went through some of the same when I first came back to AA and raised my hand with 30 days and hadn't had a drink in over 8 years but I had found another way to feed my disease with pills, today with complete honesty, I can say I am clean & sober and grateful for this way of life.....
xoxo
Stacey
Well, smoking pot is diff than taking anti-depressants imho and not because pot is illegal. When I take anti-depressants I do so not to feel "high", but to bring me up to a "normal" level. Also, I don't expect an immediate rush of serenity with my anti-depressants like is expected when I take a bong hit. Its kinda the immediate gratification thingy for me. One could argue semantics I guess but its just my opinion. Also, the anti-depressant that I take works to stabilize my brain chemistry not jack it up on a per use basis. That is just my opinion.
As for the white chip issue, like others have said its a personal decision. I recognize two dates in my program: day I quit drinking, day I quit drugs. A lot of people think you should combine alcohol and drugs and have one "sober" date, and I can absolutely understand why, but it works better for me to not look at it in that way. I prefer not to look at the date I quit drinking as a half-decision or a null-decision, because at the time it sure didn't feel like that. Congrats on your program of action and honesty!
As for the white chip issue, like others have said its a personal decision. I recognize two dates in my program: day I quit drinking, day I quit drugs. A lot of people think you should combine alcohol and drugs and have one "sober" date, and I can absolutely understand why, but it works better for me to not look at it in that way. I prefer not to look at the date I quit drinking as a half-decision or a null-decision, because at the time it sure didn't feel like that. Congrats on your program of action and honesty!
Thank you for all the input you guys...my home group meeting starts in about hour and a half. I am anxious towards their response. Not as afraid as I was a few days ago. Maybe I'm making a bigger deal out of it then it is. I mean what does it matter if I have two sober dates? As long as I don't continue to drink or drug one day at time for here on out. Like some of you said it is really between me and my higher power. As long as I am following the 'to thine own self be true' then everything is ok.
I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that you might very well be the last to know anyway... :) If you're working the steps you'll realize that it really doesn't MATTER what anyone else thinks, and what they think is none of your business, either. I was appalled that my homegroup didn't think as much of me as I did at first! The key is that you've put it all down for good and work on recovery. Congratulations!
:)
:)
So what happened at the meeting?
It went way better than expected. thank God my sponsor happened to be chairing that night. Just about all the regulars and 'old timers' shared and were very understanding. One fella who doesn't share much but is always friendly with me (we are both teachers and counting the days down to summer!!) he reminded the room that many of them are on some kind of prescribed drug to deal with life and that I chose an illegal one. One lady said it doesn't matter what date your sober date is as long as you know you're working the steps and who is she to judge (like one of you said). One new young guy, who never shares, spoke up and said he admired my courage. That really made me feel good:) The basic consensus was good thing I came clean now and it's time to move on. Afterwards many of them hugged me. Although one woman who I was most afraid of her response because of a previous situation with her early in my sobriety came up to remind me that I am starting over and will have to do the steps all over. I did pick up the white chip and realize I do have more step work to work on so I don't think that comment was necessary. Then she told me that she doesn't think my sponsor should be my best friend. She's not but I didn't tell her that. I was pretty 'raw' after the meeting so I just nodded my head while she spoke. I've had a best friend for 12 years now who is not in the program but is very close and I would trust my life to....this is none of that woman's business by the way. The the final blow was when she said, "you know I've hear you share many times and I don't think newcomers should speak for the first year. Just sit there and listen." That final comment was a shock to me!!! I just said thank you and promptly called my sponsor later. Of course this pissed my sponsor off to hear that and informed me that this woman has an issue with her not me. We talked about it today. She had to talk to her sponsor too. We are going to a mediation meeting and will give it to God. But can you believe that???
I feel loads better and the whole chip thing is not that big of deal. I know I didn't drink for the past year and now I am moving forward both clean and sober. That is all that matters.
Thank you again for your replies:)
I feel loads better and the whole chip thing is not that big of deal. I know I didn't drink for the past year and now I am moving forward both clean and sober. That is all that matters.
Thank you again for your replies:)
Good for you. When we learn self honesty we have passed our biggest hurdle. And don't mind the busybodies. They mean well but aren't always right. We all have some kind of issue no matter how long we are sober.
That's why I started going to NA although I'm back at AA again.It's the same principles.A drug is a drug is a drug.
Page7 from the NA BB....re:Step One
"Denial is the part of disease that makes it difficult,if not impossible,for us to acknowledge reality.In our addiction,denial protected us from seeing the reality of what our lives had become.We often told ourselves that, given the right circumstances,we might still be able to bring our lives under control.
We believed that if we changed our living arrangements or occupations,switched one drug for another ,our lives would improve.These rationalizations repeatedly failed us,yet we continued to cling to them.We justified our actions, despite the wreakage around us resulting from our addiction"
I think you did the right thing and congratulations.I appreciate your honesty.There are those in NA who believe that because they never had a problem with alcohol,a glass of wine with dinner or a Margarita with some good Mexican food would be perfectly o.k.Some get away with it for years but too many get found with a half filled syringe of smack as their final bottom.Nobody can tell you what to do but I believe self honesty is the beginning of this journey.
Page7 from the NA BB....re:Step One
"Denial is the part of disease that makes it difficult,if not impossible,for us to acknowledge reality.In our addiction,denial protected us from seeing the reality of what our lives had become.We often told ourselves that, given the right circumstances,we might still be able to bring our lives under control.
We believed that if we changed our living arrangements or occupations,switched one drug for another ,our lives would improve.These rationalizations repeatedly failed us,yet we continued to cling to them.We justified our actions, despite the wreakage around us resulting from our addiction"
I think you did the right thing and congratulations.I appreciate your honesty.There are those in NA who believe that because they never had a problem with alcohol,a glass of wine with dinner or a Margarita with some good Mexican food would be perfectly o.k.Some get away with it for years but too many get found with a half filled syringe of smack as their final bottom.Nobody can tell you what to do but I believe self honesty is the beginning of this journey.
It does feel good to finally come clean - literally! I am not hiding anything anymore. I can sit fully comfortable now in my chair at any AA meeting. I can stop justifying why it is ok for me to smoke weed and others can't. I knew this would catch up with me eventually. I finally asked myself 'why take this extra roller coaster in sobriety if I don't have to. Just to get high a few more times?!" I feel so much that I faced that monster and now on the other side of it moving on with my life. Which is very good right now. I just finished the school year. My first one sober in 17 years of teaching. It was the toughest year ever but through it all I did find my passion for teaching elementary school kids and look forward to starting fresh again in the fall. I will be team teaching with a dear frien dof mine and we already have great plans in the works:) I have an awesome sponsor. I love going to AA meetings and plan to increase those since I have more time now and to bolster my sobriety after coming clean with the pot.
Life is good:)
Life is good:)
Good for you! Honesty is the foundation for our recovery--it's the one that requires 100% perfection. Always. It's our secrets that will get us wrecked again.
Good on you pql
Selfhonesty, action and the courage to change....awesome sharing and E.S.H
light and love Zac
Selfhonesty, action and the courage to change....awesome sharing and E.S.H
light and love Zac
pql- Wow...good for you on handling that AAer. Talk about overstepping boundaries, huh? I wouldn't dream of EVER walking up to someone and telling them some horsehockey like- "newcomers shouldn't speak for a year"- LOL...i've had my runins with over bearing AAers and I've just learned that they do not mean any harm they are just seeking a position of seniority.
How on earth did you handle teaching with a hangover? LOL Do you teach small kids? I could see me smacking the crap out of them when they didn't listen but then again I never did handle hangovers well.
I used to train my 4th graders early in the year to not bother me first thing in the morning unless they were 'bleeding, dieing our throwing up" because there were many mornings back in my drinking days that I'd come in feeling like s***! I remember one school year a fellow teacher who was a drinking buddy of mine we made an excuse to go out and get s*** faced at least once a month; St. Pats, Cinco de Mayo, Arbor day...etc...funny but sad. Thank God those days are behind me. It's amazing I held on to my successful teaching career. Not to brag but I even was voted Teacher of the Year in '93!! I just know that God was always looking out for me. I never got a DUI and I can't tell you how many times I drove drunk or in a black out. I sent MADD a donation for my amends there!!!
God was with me always. It took AA to help me realize it and then turn my life and will over to His care. I am a grateful CLEAN and sober alcoholic today:)
God was with me always. It took AA to help me realize it and then turn my life and will over to His care. I am a grateful CLEAN and sober alcoholic today:)
Every day a bloomin miracle eh? and I still take it all for granted. What a great thread. You lot are terrific and life is wonderful. Have a great day. x
