Do You Have A Co-Dependent Relationship With Your Child?
~by Angela Bininger
As parents, we need to say no to doing tasks that foster immaturity and dependence in adult children; such as, doing their laundry, cleaning up after them, helping them with their bills, providing them with shelter (as adults), etc. It is important to learn to be separate individuals and teach them to take care of their own needs. We need to teach them how to tackle problems in relationships or in life, not take care of the problems for them. They need to grow up and be able to have healthy, mature, adult love relationships. If we do things for our grown children beyond what is age appropriate, we lower their self-esteem and actually stop them from growing up.
When you are co-dependent you are enmeshed with family members emotional boundaries and you treat them as extensions of yourself. Therefore, you do not want to see them in pain, uncomfortable, making unwise choices, or unhappy. You try to be the one in control. You aim to fix them or their situations to be what you think is right, and good for them. You fail to see the long-term damage you are causing, you think you are only helping them.
Extreme co-dependency involves subtle control over your adult childrens choices. Over all, you dominate their decision-making abilities. Secretly you feel safe, secure, and loved when others need you and depend on you; it makes you feel important and gives your life meaning because you do not have your own life fully understood and integrated.
Co-dependency use to only be talked about in families where there was alcoholism, or drug addictions. Now, they are linking it to dysfunctional families in general. And lets face it, all families are dysfunctional. Some are just better at admitting it than others.
I became co-dependent in my last relationship. I broke free from that after 12 years, but must be careful with my children, so they do not become co-dependent someday. They are certainly what I would consider to be high Risk. Their father, and his siblings remain in a co-dependent relationship with their parents to this very day. Despite that their children approaching 40. If they need money, a car, a house, college, or anything at all, it is provided. The only catch is, you must abide by their rules. It is very sad, and aside from alcoholism was one of our biggest obstacles when we were married. It put me in a dictatorship, instead of a partnership. And in turn, my co-dependency on him, allowed me to make someone elses values and beliefs mine, and I lost myself and who I was. Im grateful to have gotten back to my roots, and to have found myself again though. And I feel for the day his parents have entered the after-life, and their children dont even know who they are, because there is no one there to tell them.
Its important to me, that I raise children who are not co-dependent. It is important that I guide them, not do things for them. It is important that they are taught to go after whatever they want in life, even if it means leaving momma and moving overseas. I want them to be strong independent people, with happy marriages someday. And for that to happen, they must know who they are, love themselves, and be secure with the man or woman they have become.
People with co-dependent personalities:
Need to be needed
Are people pleasers
Are controlling
Afraid To Be Alone
Mistrust others
Are Perfectionists
Avoid their feelings
Excessive caretakers
Hypervigilance (a heightened awareness for potential threat or danger)
Often they attract needy dependent people
Downplay their own feelings, to the point that they may not even know how they feel
Have trouble making decisions
Do not feel theyre lovable
Put their own interests and hobbies aside to please others
Are excessively loyal (even staying in abusive relationships)
Do not ask others to meet their needs
When Not In Check, I Will:
Pick up your shoes
Carry your pack
Pay your traffic ticket
Lie to your boss
Do your homework
Remove rocks from your path
And strip you of the joy
Of saying, "I did it myself!"
If my eyes are any more opened they will bug out of my head, lol.
You're so cool, Tina.
xxxoooo
You're so cool, Tina.
xxxoooo
I needed to read that, thank you
Thanks go to cynical who showed me where to find this...
Good stuff!
Good stuff!
No I don't!
LOL @ Kat with the eyes.
That pink wonder is just that. Good stuff. If I read it that is.
I'm afraid to look at the list.
Thanks Pink One via Misty Eyes
LOL @ Kat with the eyes.
That pink wonder is just that. Good stuff. If I read it that is.
I'm afraid to look at the list.
Thanks Pink One via Misty Eyes
EXCELLENT!!
powerful post, tina .. you just summed up my entire life's struggle .. thanks for sharing ..
I want to copy and paste this in an email to my bfs parents:) They probably still wouldn't understand though and just continue in their denial... Oh well it is what it is...
Great Post:)
Great Post:)
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I have just stumbled on this and boy, oh boy, do I see my cody mum in CAPITAL LETTERS and the high risk I have been at copying -as the daughter with whom I have she lives.
Sigh.
I am doing better than I realised though at being the unpopular mum in order to , hopefully, have 3 sons who grow up to be independant, good human beings.
Thank you so much for this perspective, WOW again.
luv from kazz from ozz
Sigh.
I am doing better than I realised though at being the unpopular mum in order to , hopefully, have 3 sons who grow up to be independant, good human beings.
Thank you so much for this perspective, WOW again.
luv from kazz from ozz
Thank you for posting my article to your website. A direct link to the original content would be great. It mentions that on my website.
Thanks
Angela Bininger
http://www.theempowerers.com
Thanks
Angela Bininger
http://www.theempowerers.com
Hi Angela,
I didn't know you had your own website, until now. This was/is on sober recovery and that is how it got to me. Also didn't click link provided, this place can be spam central at times, and I have a don't click the link policy. I found your site through google search at the following.
http://angelabininger.com/2010/02/2...ndent-children/
From what I had a chance to read there are some good articles there, would recommend to anyone here to go have a peek.
Tina
I didn't know you had your own website, until now. This was/is on sober recovery and that is how it got to me. Also didn't click link provided, this place can be spam central at times, and I have a don't click the link policy. I found your site through google search at the following.
http://angelabininger.com/2010/02/2...ndent-children/
From what I had a chance to read there are some good articles there, would recommend to anyone here to go have a peek.
Tina
" you do not want to see them in pain, uncomfortable, making unwise choices, or unhappy"
This is what I struggle with in all my close relationships with family. I also want to avoid my own pain because it's painful when I let go & see them make those uncomfortable unwise choices and I'm just supposed to sit back & not do anything to "help". Codependent that I am I tend to do anything to avoid that pain for myself because I get that knot in the stomach that happens when I'm in pain over other people. I do what I can to avoid that. But sometimes it can't be avoided. This is part of recovery for me. Learning to deal with that pain & definitely lessen it.
What bugs me about trying not to be Controlling Queen of the Universe is those little (& big) things that people do that aren't necessarily MY rules, but societies rules and just plain common sense. Like when my aunt eats the peanuts out of the can, why can't she put them on a plate so we're not all eating her saliva? And when people drive recklessly and endanger me, my family, and everyone else, including themselves.
Thanks for letting me vent that.
I'm just very grateful for the good times right now, no pain.
This is what I struggle with in all my close relationships with family. I also want to avoid my own pain because it's painful when I let go & see them make those uncomfortable unwise choices and I'm just supposed to sit back & not do anything to "help". Codependent that I am I tend to do anything to avoid that pain for myself because I get that knot in the stomach that happens when I'm in pain over other people. I do what I can to avoid that. But sometimes it can't be avoided. This is part of recovery for me. Learning to deal with that pain & definitely lessen it.
What bugs me about trying not to be Controlling Queen of the Universe is those little (& big) things that people do that aren't necessarily MY rules, but societies rules and just plain common sense. Like when my aunt eats the peanuts out of the can, why can't she put them on a plate so we're not all eating her saliva? And when people drive recklessly and endanger me, my family, and everyone else, including themselves.
Thanks for letting me vent that.
I'm just very grateful for the good times right now, no pain.
Wow. Just wow. The universe must be listening. This all just played out in my house at 7:00AM this morning.
Thank you Angela, thank you Pink One, and thank you, Tina.
LAC I am so hearing you. I've been Queen Of The Universe for a few days.
Came down to my mom at 7:00AM saying she was going to the store. If ya can't get up the steps to the bathroom you're going to walk to the store? I do the shopping and made a plan I was going to just let everything go, and see how that pans out until uhhhhh I guess a chart wheel comes into play. LOL Chart Wheel.
There's a 22 year old sleeping upstairs who isn't going to school or work and you gave $20.00 to last night who could have went to the store when she came in at 5:15AM. What do we need and go ahead and drop dead on the sidewalk. That'll work.
We need dish soap because you're right you do all of that and it's sitting there. Sat there since Saturday dirty spaghetti water. Might as well because the chick next door wants real roaches.
Venting as well. "Don't wake her up there will just be more chaos". Yeah so ummmm naw she's getting up and doing the food shopping, doing the dishes, scrubbing the bathroom and doing the kitchen. Just all got done. Monday look for a job.
This left two people looking at me like I was a monster who would be prepared to hold their heads on a stick. As a Co-Dependant twice over in different ways I say I rather seem to be trying to get at the heart of all this in the early morning.
Essentially as always we can only control us.
Ya know what really works in this co-dependant relationship thing? Guilt, and as mentioned power and control. I have none but my mom has always had.
Ta-Dah look folks "If someone doesn't seem to want to help you and you'll only ask someone to do something for you if they seem to want to pah-lease don't give them money or pass that jawn onto me". Go myself because a kid you helped raise don't seem to WANT to do it. WTH is that?
Thank you Angela, thank you Pink One, and thank you, Tina.
LAC I am so hearing you. I've been Queen Of The Universe for a few days.
Came down to my mom at 7:00AM saying she was going to the store. If ya can't get up the steps to the bathroom you're going to walk to the store? I do the shopping and made a plan I was going to just let everything go, and see how that pans out until uhhhhh I guess a chart wheel comes into play. LOL Chart Wheel.
There's a 22 year old sleeping upstairs who isn't going to school or work and you gave $20.00 to last night who could have went to the store when she came in at 5:15AM. What do we need and go ahead and drop dead on the sidewalk. That'll work.
We need dish soap because you're right you do all of that and it's sitting there. Sat there since Saturday dirty spaghetti water. Might as well because the chick next door wants real roaches.
Venting as well. "Don't wake her up there will just be more chaos". Yeah so ummmm naw she's getting up and doing the food shopping, doing the dishes, scrubbing the bathroom and doing the kitchen. Just all got done. Monday look for a job.
This left two people looking at me like I was a monster who would be prepared to hold their heads on a stick. As a Co-Dependant twice over in different ways I say I rather seem to be trying to get at the heart of all this in the early morning.
Essentially as always we can only control us.
Ya know what really works in this co-dependant relationship thing? Guilt, and as mentioned power and control. I have none but my mom has always had.
Ta-Dah look folks "If someone doesn't seem to want to help you and you'll only ask someone to do something for you if they seem to want to pah-lease don't give them money or pass that jawn onto me". Go myself because a kid you helped raise don't seem to WANT to do it. WTH is that?
Who gives a rat's bee-hind what she wants? Contribute or go...simple, no?
Bryn, you are a treasure :-)
Bryn, you are a treasure :-)
Bryn, I hear ya & as I see it, it's that 3 generations of women living together. But thank God there is no grandbaby involved!! It's a complete nightmare, this enmeshment of 3 generations of women in both of our families. I so get you .... you are trying to create some boundaries & your mom is all in the middle of it -- I go thru that here 24/7... I always said it would be COMPLETELY different with S & I if we didn't have my mother in the picture.... but it is what it is, for us.
So what happens if you resemble every one of those listed on Tina's post?
By the time I got to the bottom I was cringing..am I really like that? Apparently. s***.
By the time I got to the bottom I was cringing..am I really like that? Apparently. s***.
Lisa means you got lots of work to do!
Yea..you have no idea.
Get tah workin, Lisa:) I'm so sorry if it's all disconbobulated for you.
LAC exactly "it is what it is".
O.K. ya know what works ya'all? Avoidance approach. That's right where I'm at. I'm the avoider.
Last night hopped off to the game. Go Phillies. I walked out the door with them both looking at me and didn't say goodbye. Came home with all MY own personal faves. ME ME ME. Went right up to my room. I'mma be like Tres and hide in my room. My poor friend.
Went about my OWN business today. Not hard to avoid someone who is sleeping. Came in and she had left for the boyfriends. Came into my mom half out her mind asking me if I called in some of her medicines because *GASP* she's out of them and the Doctor has gone away. Well ain't that TFB.
Then she says "She went to her boyfriend and will cal me when she got there. Ummmmmmm, never did. Surely left by now and should be atking the EL. I did ask one thing: "You didn't give her any money did ya?" The million dollar answer? "Well not really just the money to pick up my medicine on the way home. The ones that they do have and money for a small box of cereal and milk". Pahlease I know what that means and she'll be picking up your medicine at 12:00AM I guess if she makes it home on that EL.
Seriously not to be a wench but I'm already tired of this. I have lots of work to do on ME!
Wishing all the very best for my dear friends here. It's not easy I know.
LAC exactly "it is what it is".
O.K. ya know what works ya'all? Avoidance approach. That's right where I'm at. I'm the avoider.
Last night hopped off to the game. Go Phillies. I walked out the door with them both looking at me and didn't say goodbye. Came home with all MY own personal faves. ME ME ME. Went right up to my room. I'mma be like Tres and hide in my room. My poor friend.
Went about my OWN business today. Not hard to avoid someone who is sleeping. Came in and she had left for the boyfriends. Came into my mom half out her mind asking me if I called in some of her medicines because *GASP* she's out of them and the Doctor has gone away. Well ain't that TFB.
Then she says "She went to her boyfriend and will cal me when she got there. Ummmmmmm, never did. Surely left by now and should be atking the EL. I did ask one thing: "You didn't give her any money did ya?" The million dollar answer? "Well not really just the money to pick up my medicine on the way home. The ones that they do have and money for a small box of cereal and milk". Pahlease I know what that means and she'll be picking up your medicine at 12:00AM I guess if she makes it home on that EL.
Seriously not to be a wench but I'm already tired of this. I have lots of work to do on ME!
Wishing all the very best for my dear friends here. It's not easy I know.
Bryn, everytime I read your posts about your DD and DM I see more & more how we live such parallel lives.
I struggle myself to do JUST FOR ME -- some days I'm at McDonalds & I'm NOT calling THEM to see what THEY want. I just bring it home & eat it right in front of them!!!! But why do I feel bad if I do that??
Same thing with my mother -- oh I need my pills like yesterday! Excuse me, but you've had a 24 hours a day 7 days to call those in... you have your whole brain woman! Don't even act like you don't!! "Your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on MY part." or something like that. Love that.
I'm trying to find the balance between taking care of me & doing responsibilities for others... It's hard.
I like it. The "avoidance" thing. They do it to me. I can do it to them. Whatever gives ME peace...
I struggle myself to do JUST FOR ME -- some days I'm at McDonalds & I'm NOT calling THEM to see what THEY want. I just bring it home & eat it right in front of them!!!! But why do I feel bad if I do that??
Same thing with my mother -- oh I need my pills like yesterday! Excuse me, but you've had a 24 hours a day 7 days to call those in... you have your whole brain woman! Don't even act like you don't!! "Your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency on MY part." or something like that. Love that.
I'm trying to find the balance between taking care of me & doing responsibilities for others... It's hard.
I like it. The "avoidance" thing. They do it to me. I can do it to them. Whatever gives ME peace...
