I'm definitely open to advice and encouragement but I think I'm here because I just need to get some stuff out to people that will understand. I'm 25, and my husband is 24. My family isn't the most supportive, and no one in my life knows what's been going on for the past year and a half. His family knows everything and is really supportive of him, but I still feel pretty alone because they only recently found out about a month ago and up until then, I'd been dealing with it on my own.
About a year ago, my husband started using steroids. They really messed with his mind and affected his already poor mental health. Really long story short, he ended up in the hospital after threatening self-harm, and lost his job as a result of his steroid use. We stayed together after he got out of the hospital, and he promised that he would get help. He started going to a psychiatrist and taking medication so I thought he was taking all the right steps. But I found out later that after he got out of the hospital, he had started using heroin.
I confronted him, but he told me I was crazy and swore up and down he wasn't using. I tell him I would leave him, but he would scream and cry, and because of the past, I was afraid of what would happen to him, so I stayed. This went on for months and he kept hiding it. We both live across country from both of our families and it was really easy for him to lie to them about what was going on. He finally admitted to me that he was using when his dealer moved away and he had no choice but to get clean. He detoxed on his own the first time, and was sober for about a month. He finally started getting professional help about 2 months ago after relapsing again. He's going to an outpatient rehab, taking medication, and seeing a therapist. He's doing his best to move forward, he now has another job and is trying to get his life back together.
Because he was using, he didn't care about having a job, and I was the only one supporting us financially for about 7 months. Before he started using, I was financially independent, but then suddenly it fell on me to support both of us. And he was stealing from me to pay for drugs. I fell behind on our bills, and now we're in danger of losing our apartment, our cars, and I can't support myself, or him anymore. I know I need to go to therapy, but because of our financial situation, I can't afford it.
I don't trust him because he lied to me for so long and then made it seem like I was crazy or hurtful for not believing that he was trying to get better. I feel guilty because I sometimes think he deserves it when I keep lashing out on him. I feel stupid for staying with him while he was using, and I'm angry that I had to feel trapped while he was using because I was worried for his safety. We might have to move back in with his mom because we're struggling so badly, but that requires us moving all the way across the country. I'd lose my job, and even though I know it's not, I made my own choices too, I feel like it's all his fault that our life is like this now.
I feel pathetic because I still love him. I still want to be with him because I see that he's genuinely trying. But I feel stupid for being hopeful that he'll stay clean when he lied to me a million times. It scares me to put any faith in him because he's failed me so many times. I have a lot of anger towards him and resentment for his choices.
I guess I'm asking if it gets better. If there's any way that I can trust him again or not always be so angry and sad. If I can ever get over feeling guilty for not doing enough, or for sometimes doing too much. I feel like sometimes it's my fault. I didn't do enough when I knew he wasn't doing well mentally. I didn't tell his family soon enough. I'm embarrassed and ashamed and so tired of constantly worrying that he'll use again. Does it get better?
Dear WCW, it will only get better if your husband chooses to get better. Even then it will be a struggle for him. I don't know about steroids, my son is a meth addict. And over the past 20+ years all my support, help (attorneys, money, etc) have done not one thing to help him. His rehab attempts were forced on him by work & afterwards he did not do a single thing to follow up - he's never bothered with a sponsor, therapy, meetings, etc. because he thinks he knows better than everyone else. The fact that your husband is trying so hard is very encouraging & your support to encourage him is helpful for him.
I wish you the best & hope he can find the help he needs to get well. This is a great place to just talk about your fears & problems. No judgment but other parents & partners dealing with what we never dreamed we'd be dealing with. Sometimes it is comforting to hear you aren't alone
I wish you the best & hope he can find the help he needs to get well. This is a great place to just talk about your fears & problems. No judgment but other parents & partners dealing with what we never dreamed we'd be dealing with. Sometimes it is comforting to hear you aren't alone
Hi Westcoastwife and welcome. I've read your post a few times and it doesn't sound like this is what you signed up for when you married him. You wanted a mutual relationship based on trust and sadly the reality is he's not what you thought. Its not your fault he's been dishonest, he's stolen from you, he's affected your finances, credit score, and your financial independence, and most of all your happiness. What you got is someone who is a full time job where you are the parent and he's the child. You have a parent/child relationship and they are very dysfunctional. You are sacrificing your integrity for his dysfunction. If the past year and a half has been rough think of the next ten years?? With children involved?? I think you are a very together young woman and you have your whole life ahead of you. Please think about what is best for you and if you are happy? Healthy relationships contribute to our lives and unhealthy relationships contaminate our life. He's not healthy.
It is normal to feel hurt and angry when your partner lies and steals and pushes responsibility on you for all the bills. So, first of all, I would just give yourself a break and realize all those feelings are normal and understandable. I would be mad and hurt, also.
Trust has to be earned back and that is on him. He has to be trustworthy for things to get better. It is encouraging that he is trying. If he stays cleans, keeps working, and works to build back trust, things will get better. And, although this situation really sucks, the two of you can rebuild (although not a fun journey). So, yes, there is hope and there is a better future ahead if he stays in recovery and accepts responsibility for his past mistakes and his financial responsibilities.
Since you do not have too much money, you could consider AlAnon meetings in person. They can be just as good as therapy! Since you cannot control what he ultimately decides to do, you really need to take care of yourself and build a support network. Sometimes you can go for a coffee or something with someone from the group and they can help as much as counseling.
I am glad you found this place. keep sharing. We have all been in your shoes in some fashion.
Trust has to be earned back and that is on him. He has to be trustworthy for things to get better. It is encouraging that he is trying. If he stays cleans, keeps working, and works to build back trust, things will get better. And, although this situation really sucks, the two of you can rebuild (although not a fun journey). So, yes, there is hope and there is a better future ahead if he stays in recovery and accepts responsibility for his past mistakes and his financial responsibilities.
Since you do not have too much money, you could consider AlAnon meetings in person. They can be just as good as therapy! Since you cannot control what he ultimately decides to do, you really need to take care of yourself and build a support network. Sometimes you can go for a coffee or something with someone from the group and they can help as much as counseling.
I am glad you found this place. keep sharing. We have all been in your shoes in some fashion.
Ugh. where to start. you are so young to be stuck in that mess. we have been going thru this for 6 yrs w my son. always thinking recovery was just around the corner. we let our guard down, give him space, share our resources. and recovery does not stick. currently my son had 3 good months and now 6 relapse months. it has crushed me. exhaustion, financial (helping him with cigs and gas is too much, take take take) I feel I don't have my own life. don't even have the energy for more than going to work and going to bed (a new low for me). Although my son did well during his 3 sober months, looking back I can see he was not committed. We wanted him to succeed so we made things easy, car, gas money when he wasn't working so he could go to meetings. We didn't want to pressure him with bills so we paid them. unfortunately, he thinks this is the norm. has made no attempt to payback, go to grocery store, or contribute to our household. currently our relationship is so damaged and exhausted, we all come home from work and avoid each other.
If I had the knowledge and strength, I would tell my son he has to give me his whole check and I will give him allowance and pay the bills until he is willing to go thru the motions of paying his own bills. I know that this is still enabling, we should not do for them what they should be responsible for doing on their own. If they can spend their $$ on drugs they are smart enough to pay their bills. they just don't want to.
I use the above as an example bc if I had done that, at least I would not be drained financially and I would have set up the boundary in advance. now that we have been in this rut it is harder to change it. I told my son a few weeks ago I wanted $300 per paycheck or he could not live here. He did that for one paycheck, but if I don't nag, he does not follow thru.
Sorry for venting about myself.... I wanted to give some background.
If your husband does not want to commit to change, he will not keep up and 'rules or boundaries' you set up. they bank on the fact that we are compassionate and sensitive to their needs. we enable for the right reasons, they use our resources for the wrong reasons.
Advice: when I attended NarAnon meeting a few years ago, when a person was coming back to the house hold, a few rules, boundaries were to be set in place - whatever the important ones are. A young couple was taking in a relative. They set up these rules: First month - get a job, second month - get a car, third -month get apartment (sober living house).
since the person was not their child or spouse it was probably easier to enforce the rules.
In your situation - getting caught up on bills is most important. 1. Ask him to get a lone from his family if it is needed quickly to avoid loosing the cars or apartment. 2. Tell him he needs a job asap. 3. write a list of the monthly bills, divide in half (your portion, his portion), divide his portion by # of paychecks in month. He MUST give you that much each paycheck so you can pay the bills. 4. cut back on any bills that are not a necessity. 5. Open bank accounts with out his name and do not give him a debit card to the 'bill paying account' or any of your accounts. If he uses a credit card it should be in his name only and he is in responsible to pay it out of his $ that is left over after bills. 6. you should not be joint on any of his bank accounts or credit cards. 7. he pays for and maintains his car, you take care of yours . 8.hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Start separating yourself financially.
Hope this helps - use what works for you.
PS - my son will deny any drug use, and spend a two week paycheck in a weekend. YES it is drug use. He claims it is food and gas and cigs... blah blah blah, on and on. it is almost beleiveable except for the fact that it goes on week after week without him trying to do differently
even thought we have been thru this with him for 6 years he will deny drug use. he likes to refer to it as self-medicating w rx drugs the dr would give anyway. (no it is not the meds a dr would give)
It is difficult when they are clean. we still keep our guard up and want to verify or check up on their actions. It takes a long time for the doubts to fade. This DOES wear on a marriage. you both have resentments. be prepared to go your separate ways - even if it is temporary until he has recovery under control.
sometimes when they are back home, everything is a trigger.
It depends on the person.
If I had the knowledge and strength, I would tell my son he has to give me his whole check and I will give him allowance and pay the bills until he is willing to go thru the motions of paying his own bills. I know that this is still enabling, we should not do for them what they should be responsible for doing on their own. If they can spend their $$ on drugs they are smart enough to pay their bills. they just don't want to.
I use the above as an example bc if I had done that, at least I would not be drained financially and I would have set up the boundary in advance. now that we have been in this rut it is harder to change it. I told my son a few weeks ago I wanted $300 per paycheck or he could not live here. He did that for one paycheck, but if I don't nag, he does not follow thru.
Sorry for venting about myself.... I wanted to give some background.
If your husband does not want to commit to change, he will not keep up and 'rules or boundaries' you set up. they bank on the fact that we are compassionate and sensitive to their needs. we enable for the right reasons, they use our resources for the wrong reasons.
Advice: when I attended NarAnon meeting a few years ago, when a person was coming back to the house hold, a few rules, boundaries were to be set in place - whatever the important ones are. A young couple was taking in a relative. They set up these rules: First month - get a job, second month - get a car, third -month get apartment (sober living house).
since the person was not their child or spouse it was probably easier to enforce the rules.
In your situation - getting caught up on bills is most important. 1. Ask him to get a lone from his family if it is needed quickly to avoid loosing the cars or apartment. 2. Tell him he needs a job asap. 3. write a list of the monthly bills, divide in half (your portion, his portion), divide his portion by # of paychecks in month. He MUST give you that much each paycheck so you can pay the bills. 4. cut back on any bills that are not a necessity. 5. Open bank accounts with out his name and do not give him a debit card to the 'bill paying account' or any of your accounts. If he uses a credit card it should be in his name only and he is in responsible to pay it out of his $ that is left over after bills. 6. you should not be joint on any of his bank accounts or credit cards. 7. he pays for and maintains his car, you take care of yours . 8.hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Start separating yourself financially.
Hope this helps - use what works for you.
PS - my son will deny any drug use, and spend a two week paycheck in a weekend. YES it is drug use. He claims it is food and gas and cigs... blah blah blah, on and on. it is almost beleiveable except for the fact that it goes on week after week without him trying to do differently
even thought we have been thru this with him for 6 years he will deny drug use. he likes to refer to it as self-medicating w rx drugs the dr would give anyway. (no it is not the meds a dr would give)
It is difficult when they are clean. we still keep our guard up and want to verify or check up on their actions. It takes a long time for the doubts to fade. This DOES wear on a marriage. you both have resentments. be prepared to go your separate ways - even if it is temporary until he has recovery under control.
sometimes when they are back home, everything is a trigger.
It depends on the person.
PS. after a month of holy chaos, my son did get paid today and gave me $300 without me asking. we will see what happens next. Life has been very bad here. I was dreading the paycheck, prepared for more of the same behavior. time will tell if there will be a lasting change. Only if HE wants to put in the work for recovery. I am prepare to keep my efforts at a minimum.
(I tagged this here bc I mentioned it in my long post. I will also post in my Crisis post)
(I tagged this here bc I mentioned it in my long post. I will also post in my Crisis post)
WCW, be careful for your own safety. Steroids are awful. "Roid Rage" is a real thing if you don't know that already. This is how my son, whom I always thought was so confident, started out (in highschool!!!). He uses cocaine now. So many short term highs and long term lows.
My ex husband was on testosterone shots from his Dr and over the years it really messed with his mind and he had really bad rage too.
NTF I think you are seeing things really well for what they are with your son. I feel so sorry for you because I know all the energy it is taking from you and yet trying to function. Take good care of yourself and I hope your son will go back to detox/rehab soon so you can get a well deserved break.
NTF I think you are seeing things really well for what they are with your son. I feel so sorry for you because I know all the energy it is taking from you and yet trying to function. Take good care of yourself and I hope your son will go back to detox/rehab soon so you can get a well deserved break.
