Hi there! Not too many of you will know me but I have made many, many attempts to get clean. I have managed it before but never lasted much more than four weeks. I had my last smoke 24 hours ago and am really beginning to feel it now. I just want to smash the place up - I feel so angry for some reason. My partner is driving me mad, he just sits there and makes no effort when we're in the s**ts money wise, he leaves it all up to me.
I really feel like just pulling the plug at the moment. I have over 100 valium stashed off and really feel like just swallowing them all at the moment.
We were meant to be doing a lofexideine course on Monday and got the call today to say that it's not gonig ahead. Nothing seems to work out for us.
We're in danger of losing our house as mortgage payments haven't been made.
Sorry to just moan and moan but it's the way I feel at the moment. I know the answer isn't to go out and score but I don't know whether I can deal with the mental crap that's going through my head. I keep thinking all these dark thoughts that life would be better without me, I have no family of my own, I've completely isolated myself from old friends and have no-one to talk to. I really want to walk away from my relationship but I have nowhere to go.
Arrie.
arrie,quick question,r u british?
dont give up luv there r loads of people on here who will help u,me included if i can,ive just got too much carry-on in my head,dont give up.eckie
Eck....mate....Arrie is a mick lol....shes from sunny Dublin.
Arrie i feel for ya with ya gettin the lofexidine put back.....and i know the first couple of days are pure hell and with yer fella not doin much i can also understand yer frustration.Money worries are a killer ...go to M.A.B.S its a free service and they can give you a hand with yer debts i.e make them more managble....they can deal with the banks making yer payments easier.
As for the vallies take it eze youll need them if yer really gonna kick the gear.
Gotta go ...but post back please.....until then take care...........Davey
Arrie i feel for ya with ya gettin the lofexidine put back.....and i know the first couple of days are pure hell and with yer fella not doin much i can also understand yer frustration.Money worries are a killer ...go to M.A.B.S its a free service and they can give you a hand with yer debts i.e make them more managble....they can deal with the banks making yer payments easier.
As for the vallies take it eze youll need them if yer really gonna kick the gear.
Gotta go ...but post back please.....until then take care...........Davey
hi arrie, how are you? hope you're feeling a bit better. i totally know where you're coming from re frustration and having a limited number of days of being able to go without/ not use on top and not seeming to be able to do more. i've been trying to give up, on and off with differing levels of effort, for about 5/ 6 years now!! that really freaks me out. how many more can it take!? i don't know the ans cos i've not really found it myself - i suppose the only thing i can think of is not to give up. i've often thought it would be easier to just think f*** it and stop all the trying/ stressing/ thoughts going round and round and round in my head/ what i should do/ what i'm doing wrong etc.. etc.. it can become exhausting and incredibly frustrating. but just don't give in - you will get there eventually. and i totally get you re anger - if i can't score and am starting to run on empty gear wise, i get incredible dark moods and feel quite aggressive which is totally not like me normally. i'd never do anything but i feel a lot of anger in me.
re your medication not working out, is there another prog/ date that can be set? or another doctor or clinic? or diff med? personally, i'm on juice - i couldn't use subs as they made me feel horrific. juice takes away the panic and desperation to not be sick and helps me have more opportunities to do things without prioritising gear, such as concentrating at work and not having to be late/ miss days b/c i couldn't score etc... so def don't give up re medication/ support route. but plase don't go near those valiums in any way other than the correct amount - come post if feeling down and low and get support that way.
re your partner also uses from what you said? as no doubt you know and have been told, that's a notoriousy tricky route to go down. again, i'm the same! got partner who uses tho we're not "technically" together but he's still very close to me. what about drug counselling together - that could help get common goals? it could clearly define what stage each is at re using etc... and see if at a similar point?
oh it all sounds so simple and clear cut and easy on paper doesn't it!!!?
hope you're feeling happier at the moment and keep your chin up and keep going - everything will work out in the end!
xxx
re your medication not working out, is there another prog/ date that can be set? or another doctor or clinic? or diff med? personally, i'm on juice - i couldn't use subs as they made me feel horrific. juice takes away the panic and desperation to not be sick and helps me have more opportunities to do things without prioritising gear, such as concentrating at work and not having to be late/ miss days b/c i couldn't score etc... so def don't give up re medication/ support route. but plase don't go near those valiums in any way other than the correct amount - come post if feeling down and low and get support that way.
re your partner also uses from what you said? as no doubt you know and have been told, that's a notoriousy tricky route to go down. again, i'm the same! got partner who uses tho we're not "technically" together but he's still very close to me. what about drug counselling together - that could help get common goals? it could clearly define what stage each is at re using etc... and see if at a similar point?
oh it all sounds so simple and clear cut and easy on paper doesn't it!!!?
hope you're feeling happier at the moment and keep your chin up and keep going - everything will work out in the end!
xxx
Hi Arenal...wow, have I thought the exact same thing so many times...in fact...so recently its scary...I dont know if it EVER goes all the way away but I know it gets better...some days good, some days not....I think JAR was perfect in that he says you need to get something for the cravings, the desperation...it helps...stay sane...please post again, sometimes just talking about everything helps
