My family is at a loss. My oldest daughter is 39 years old and has had health issues for many years. She has been on pain medicine since she was a teenager and has had a problem with that for many years. For twenty years she was an alcoholic and combined alcohol with pain medication. She has always admired people who walk on the "wild side." Her first boyfriend was abusive and had used drugs with his parents as a child. Her next boyfriend is currently in prison for the next few years for kidnapping and rape. Her current boyfriend has been a meth trafficker and is a convicted felon. He grew up in a meth lab and his parents are both convicted felons for manufacture of meth. His father is also a convicted arsonist. We have always tried to keep the lines of communication open and be supportive. Our family was always close until the past three years. Our daughter changed when she started dating her current boyfriend. She started withdrawing and avoiding her family. She would not come to the family events till a few minutes before everyone left, fill her plate, yell at everyone for "avoiding" her and then leave. She was in drug court four years ago because of a DUI and that time was wonderful. She was on house arrest and they would do unannounced drug tests. That forced her to be careful. She stayed home, had no visitors,and we took her to counseling. She acted like our daughter during that time. The past three years, she has deteriorated totally out of control. She has always "borrowed" from us, but she always paid us back before. Now she has started stealing indiscriminately. My son was saving for a car. She borrowed his debit card so she could "go to the doctor" and wiped out his account. She has stolen pain medication from her family, stolen pain medicine from family members, forged checks. Once she met her current boyfriend, she has been away from us almost constantly. I know she uses aliases and constantly is obtaining credit cards with no intention to pay. When I am home, I have to hide my purse and cell phone, we have had to hide our checks and my son's checks. Her paranoia has gotten extreme. She constantly thinks electronic items are listening to her and watching her. She has gone through my cell phone and screamed at me that I have stolen her contact list. For a long time I paid for a cell phone for her so we would have a way to contact her. She started tearing her cell phones apart, taking sim cards out and taking batteries out. She ran over phones with her car, threw them across the room. Even when the phone was working, she would rarely answer me. I finally got tired of trying to keep the communication up when she still wouldn't answer us or let us know she was okay. Things finally came to a head this summer. She posted on Facebook that she was planning a "party" for her birthday. I had a sick feeling when I saw that message. Apparently that night she got together with some of her friends for a party. She got up in the middle of the night and went walking outside. Details are fuzzy, but she said she started having chest pain and decided she needed to drive herself to the hospital. She went to a car lot, found the keys in the console for a certain car, and drove it off the lot. There is a hospital a couple of miles from where she was, but she didn't want to go there. She decided to go to a big hospital ninety miles away. Is this true? Who knows. In her mind, she was perfectly within her rights to do so. She was caught in another county with the car. She had taken a piece of mail from a mailbox nearby to see where she was. She couldn't understand that placing it on the front seat of the car she had stolen would not be okay. Her thought processes are so muddled now that it is hard to get a straight story out of her. She was arrested and charged with car theft, theft of mail, driving on a revoked license. We did not know that her license was revoked early last year because she did not have insurance on a car she was buying at the time. I took her to court several times. They plea bargained her down to misdemeanor attempted car theft. She got three years probation and was told not to consort with convicted felons. She was furious and kept on crying, saying she had done nothing wrong and would do it again. My husband and I have both told her that she did plenty wrong, that she had stolen a car, that she has stolen money, credit cards, that it was not okay to take the other person's mail and have it with her in the car. She does not take responsibility for anything. On the way home from court, I told her that she had heard the judge tell her clearly that she was supposed to avoid felons. She said "screw the judge. I will do what I want to." She went immediately after court to be with her boyfriend. For the past couple of years, she had not kept in touch with us. She and her boyfriend would just drop by, mostly when we were not home, hit the refrigerator, take food and cokes with them, she would rummage through our room, our papers, our drawers, take money if she found it, and then she would leave. Her old room looked like something out of Hoarders. I had been after her for the past three years to clean it. My husband and I had decided that if she got probation, she was not going to hang around her boyfriend and all the other felons she knew with our blessing. We did not hear from her after court Tuesday until Friday. She just waltzed through the door with her boyfriend. He came into the living room where I was and kicked back in the rocking chair. I had left a message for my daughter in her room because I expected her to come while I was at work. I told her in the note that we loved her dearly, but we were not going to condone her breaking probation. We offered to take her to counseling, said that we would pick her up anywhere else so we could visit, but her felon friends would not be welcome on our property. We told her not to go to her siblings' houses with her boyfriend or her other felon friends because they did not want to be put in that position. We had a horrible fight and she left. We have not heard from her for 3 1/2 weeks now. My son has tried to text her, but the cell phone she was using is out of order. The weather is getting cold and we worry about her. She is not thinking clearly. A few weeks ago she was using up in her room (I found drug paraphernalia in her room when I cleaned it out) and she went out walking in the middle of the night. She was walking down the road barefooted. She had taken her shoes off and left them. To her that was perfectly logical. I also found a note in the room where she apologized for taking things and told the person not to worry, that she would return them. I wonder who is she stealing from? What is going on?
We are at a loss. My daughter has been diagnosed bipolar, she has all the signs of borderline personality disorder, she has had her thyroid removed, she has lupus. All these significant issues and she is not receiving treatment for any of them. All of this clouds the issue for us. What is causing the psychosis? Our hearts are breaking. We don't know what to do. We don't know where to turn. She has no insurance and no job. She has gone months at a time without thyroid medicine and didn't tell us she was out. She said she didn't have the money to pay for it. However, she has the money for drugs, cigarettes, lottery tickets. We have tried paying for her medicine and paying for her to see the doctor. That didn't work. This strain is destroying us. I don't know what to do.
Dear worried to death,
I understand and feel exactly what you're going through as a mother and as a family unit.
you came to the right place and are taking the first steps on getting better yourself. not your daughter. I know this sounds crazy but it's US ,, as the mother or the parent that has to learn not to get involoved with the drama that our addicted love one can cause.
My daughter sounds like an exact replica of yours, but I have two daughters who are going through it. very similar. one is on heroin and the other is REALLY mentally ill and is a full blown alchoholic and uses all sorts of drugs too. she's house bound. will not go out anywhere. she lives with her drug addict boyfriend and his mother.
My girls too tend to go towards unhealthy relationships because addicts are addicted to an another addict's behavior. they are very similar. not till she gets better and gets stabilized by seeing a psychiatrist and in therapy and possibly and type of home that she can watched by having to be home by a certain hour. they build up privelages. half way homes I think they call them. it's either that or jail, or a psych unit.
but to stay with you is out of the question no matter how ill she is. You want to still care for her and make sure she takes care of her auto immune disorder and her psychosis is being caused either by drugs on top of being mentally ill, or it's her mental illness causing it.
MY DAUGHTER DOES THE SAME EXACT THING, regarding the cell phones.
she uses my phone when she visits and then I find contacts and things missing from my phone.
and she's constantly changing her phone number.
addiction is considered now a mental illness in the medical field. there is something different in the brain of an addict. usually people do drugs to numb the psychological pain they are suffering within. and I'm talking about an addiction to anything.
it can stem way back from something we're not even aware of unconsciously that happened to us as a child and then as an adult we're faced with something that triggers the feelings and memories of what traumatized them as a child.
but I feel it's really her mental illness that's causing her erratic behavior.
I found a VERY helpful post here written a few years ago that I copied and pasted for other parents or loved ones who are suffering with an addict. I hope it helps you as it has helped me.
it's long but please take the time to read it.. you might get a few tips on answering some of the questions you are having. here goes:
QUOTE: "Recently someone asked me what I had done to help my daughter. The only thing I could think of was that I had finally stepped out of her way and let her help herself...allowed her to own her pain, and subsequently her joy. I found it was easier to think of those things I had done that had NOT helped her.
Here's my list (and it's a looong one) for what it's worth:
Things that DONT help
1) Anything we do for them that they CAN and SHOULD do for themselves.
Examples:
-Running interference with schools or employers
-Making excuses for them (He sick, shes depressed, she had a hard childhood, he has chronic pain, he really wants to be clean, he needs me, shes so youngfill it in with your favorite)
-Paying debts to ANYONEloans, dealers, bills
-Giving them money
-Calling hospitals, detoxes, rehabs, doctors
-Holding or doling out medications, especially risk-reduction meds like suboxone or methadone.
Being a whirlwind of activity helps us, not themit makes us feel like we are doing something when in actuality we are spinning our wheels. It relieves of us of some guilt we may be feeling about how this could happen in our family, because really, this is all about us (NOT).
2) Pretending that what we do is for them when it is really for us. This is a hard one to get past because in the beginning we are absolutely convinced that our motives are pure and unselfishwe want to helpwe MUST help. Upon closer examination however, we will discover that much of what we have done has been for us, to satisfy ourselves that we have done everything possible to stop this train, and to maintain the illusion that what we are doing is helpful
3) Watching.
The kind of vigilance some of us exercised in the beginning (and some still do) is painful to recall. Watching moods, checking phone bills and cell phones, counting pills, sitting with them watching movies or playing games to take their minds off things (as if!), asking 'polite' questions about their day or their feelings.
4) Monitoring meeting attendancethis one is a form of watching and is big: Did you get to a meeting today? You said you were going to a meeting. Do you need a ride to your meeting? Isnt this your meeting night? What step are you on? Do you have a sponsor? Here, I bought you a Big Book. How was your meeting? Did you like tonights meeting? Arrrrggggh!!!!
Even worse is going to meetings with them. If you need a meeting, get yourself to AlAnon. Going to NA/AA meetings with them is a form of voyeurism and an invasion of privacy. The last word in the name of ANY 12 step program is Anonymous. The same is true of finding an online recovery community and sharing that with themicky.
5) Keeping score.
Scorekeeping is part of watching. You said you were going do X or Y but you havent. I thought you were supposed to A or B, have you? I have done A,B, and C, but you have not done X,Y, or Z. Score keeping can also mean counting sober time.
6)Talking.
Try listening instead. Saying it louder, or saying it differently, or saying it more is all the sameeventually no one hears you. You will know when you are talked out because you will be as sick of the sound of your own voice as they are. Talking includes asking questions, lots and lots of questions.
7) Controlling.
You cant. Stop trying.
Control is central to the "MO" of the codependent person. They control their self-esteem by catering to others' needs. They control by their over-responsible performance, picking up where others leave off. (Dr. Irene Matiatos) This gets back to doing for them what they should do for themselves. See #1.
8) Guilting.
This is just one more way to make it about us. How could you do this? What are you thinking? (Believe me, you dont want to know.) Whats so hard about your life? Dont you care about ____? Watching you do this is killing me. You wouldnt if you loved me. (I cant really love you because I dont love myself.)
9) Picking up the pieces.
Allowing one to learn from ones mistakes is one of the greatest dignities we can offer. Viewing the wreckage of the past is necessary and vital to growth. Every time we indulge in #1, of which #9 is a part, we tell them that we do not believe in them, that we do not see them as capable, that we have no faith in their ability to do the right thing,that they cannot take care of themselves. We send a message of incompetence and powerlessness, and chances are good they already feel this way, so all we do is reinforce a lousy self-image.
10) Shrinking or Sponsoring
You are not your loved ones doctor, therapist, or sponsor. All of your so-called understanding is annoying and makes it about you again. Stop trying to get into her head...it is not someplace you should be. Everything you are learning about addiction is powerful if you use it to help YOU, but once you use to be disgustingly understanding or to try to 12-step your loved one, it becomes the tool of the devil. Instead ask yourself why you are so addicted to your addicted loved one...why it is so hard to tell where she begins and you end.
11) Having expectations.
Expectations are disappointments waiting to happen. On the other hand, having low expectations leads to excuse-making (see #1).
12) NOT working on ourselves.
It sure is easy to look at the addict and believe that all would be right in our worlds (and more importantly in our interior lives) if only.
Instead, try looking at what you contribute to the dynamic. What is it in us that makes us need to project-manage them and their disease? What is the sickness in me that I feel that all positive outcomes hinge on what I do or say? Once again, it's all about me.
13) Seeing your situation as special or different.
This has a name in 12 step settings: terminal uniqueness. We are all terminally unique. In codependents this most often takes the form of Shes so wonderful, sweet, funnywhen shes not using. Yep, they are all terrific, sensitive souls when the drugs have not robbed them of that. Your addicted loved one is no more or less special, spiritual, kind, creative, loving...(fill in the blank) than any other addict, including those junkies you see outside meetings or in line at the clinic.. Everyone is someones father, wife, child, friend. Your family member may just more fortunate in education, economics, community support, or family structure. None of us are more special than another. There but for the grace of God..."
and keep coming back "worried to death" for support. there are groups of parents out there in every town that gather together in meetings to help support one another and share the places and things that can help your daughter. I think it's ALANON? I was recommended by someone to go but I never went. I don't go out in the evenings. so I come to the boards here.
At the top of the page there's a spot for programs and Resources that you can check out.
I wish you the best. I really understand what you're going through and want to be here for you. anytime you need to talk. let me know.
I wish you peace and wellness
I understand and feel exactly what you're going through as a mother and as a family unit.
you came to the right place and are taking the first steps on getting better yourself. not your daughter. I know this sounds crazy but it's US ,, as the mother or the parent that has to learn not to get involoved with the drama that our addicted love one can cause.
My daughter sounds like an exact replica of yours, but I have two daughters who are going through it. very similar. one is on heroin and the other is REALLY mentally ill and is a full blown alchoholic and uses all sorts of drugs too. she's house bound. will not go out anywhere. she lives with her drug addict boyfriend and his mother.
My girls too tend to go towards unhealthy relationships because addicts are addicted to an another addict's behavior. they are very similar. not till she gets better and gets stabilized by seeing a psychiatrist and in therapy and possibly and type of home that she can watched by having to be home by a certain hour. they build up privelages. half way homes I think they call them. it's either that or jail, or a psych unit.
but to stay with you is out of the question no matter how ill she is. You want to still care for her and make sure she takes care of her auto immune disorder and her psychosis is being caused either by drugs on top of being mentally ill, or it's her mental illness causing it.
MY DAUGHTER DOES THE SAME EXACT THING, regarding the cell phones.
she uses my phone when she visits and then I find contacts and things missing from my phone.
and she's constantly changing her phone number.
addiction is considered now a mental illness in the medical field. there is something different in the brain of an addict. usually people do drugs to numb the psychological pain they are suffering within. and I'm talking about an addiction to anything.
it can stem way back from something we're not even aware of unconsciously that happened to us as a child and then as an adult we're faced with something that triggers the feelings and memories of what traumatized them as a child.
but I feel it's really her mental illness that's causing her erratic behavior.
I found a VERY helpful post here written a few years ago that I copied and pasted for other parents or loved ones who are suffering with an addict. I hope it helps you as it has helped me.
it's long but please take the time to read it.. you might get a few tips on answering some of the questions you are having. here goes:
QUOTE: "Recently someone asked me what I had done to help my daughter. The only thing I could think of was that I had finally stepped out of her way and let her help herself...allowed her to own her pain, and subsequently her joy. I found it was easier to think of those things I had done that had NOT helped her.
Here's my list (and it's a looong one) for what it's worth:
Things that DONT help
1) Anything we do for them that they CAN and SHOULD do for themselves.
Examples:
-Running interference with schools or employers
-Making excuses for them (He sick, shes depressed, she had a hard childhood, he has chronic pain, he really wants to be clean, he needs me, shes so youngfill it in with your favorite)
-Paying debts to ANYONEloans, dealers, bills
-Giving them money
-Calling hospitals, detoxes, rehabs, doctors
-Holding or doling out medications, especially risk-reduction meds like suboxone or methadone.
Being a whirlwind of activity helps us, not themit makes us feel like we are doing something when in actuality we are spinning our wheels. It relieves of us of some guilt we may be feeling about how this could happen in our family, because really, this is all about us (NOT).
2) Pretending that what we do is for them when it is really for us. This is a hard one to get past because in the beginning we are absolutely convinced that our motives are pure and unselfishwe want to helpwe MUST help. Upon closer examination however, we will discover that much of what we have done has been for us, to satisfy ourselves that we have done everything possible to stop this train, and to maintain the illusion that what we are doing is helpful
3) Watching.
The kind of vigilance some of us exercised in the beginning (and some still do) is painful to recall. Watching moods, checking phone bills and cell phones, counting pills, sitting with them watching movies or playing games to take their minds off things (as if!), asking 'polite' questions about their day or their feelings.
4) Monitoring meeting attendancethis one is a form of watching and is big: Did you get to a meeting today? You said you were going to a meeting. Do you need a ride to your meeting? Isnt this your meeting night? What step are you on? Do you have a sponsor? Here, I bought you a Big Book. How was your meeting? Did you like tonights meeting? Arrrrggggh!!!!
Even worse is going to meetings with them. If you need a meeting, get yourself to AlAnon. Going to NA/AA meetings with them is a form of voyeurism and an invasion of privacy. The last word in the name of ANY 12 step program is Anonymous. The same is true of finding an online recovery community and sharing that with themicky.
5) Keeping score.
Scorekeeping is part of watching. You said you were going do X or Y but you havent. I thought you were supposed to A or B, have you? I have done A,B, and C, but you have not done X,Y, or Z. Score keeping can also mean counting sober time.
6)Talking.
Try listening instead. Saying it louder, or saying it differently, or saying it more is all the sameeventually no one hears you. You will know when you are talked out because you will be as sick of the sound of your own voice as they are. Talking includes asking questions, lots and lots of questions.
7) Controlling.
You cant. Stop trying.
Control is central to the "MO" of the codependent person. They control their self-esteem by catering to others' needs. They control by their over-responsible performance, picking up where others leave off. (Dr. Irene Matiatos) This gets back to doing for them what they should do for themselves. See #1.
8) Guilting.
This is just one more way to make it about us. How could you do this? What are you thinking? (Believe me, you dont want to know.) Whats so hard about your life? Dont you care about ____? Watching you do this is killing me. You wouldnt if you loved me. (I cant really love you because I dont love myself.)
9) Picking up the pieces.
Allowing one to learn from ones mistakes is one of the greatest dignities we can offer. Viewing the wreckage of the past is necessary and vital to growth. Every time we indulge in #1, of which #9 is a part, we tell them that we do not believe in them, that we do not see them as capable, that we have no faith in their ability to do the right thing,that they cannot take care of themselves. We send a message of incompetence and powerlessness, and chances are good they already feel this way, so all we do is reinforce a lousy self-image.
10) Shrinking or Sponsoring
You are not your loved ones doctor, therapist, or sponsor. All of your so-called understanding is annoying and makes it about you again. Stop trying to get into her head...it is not someplace you should be. Everything you are learning about addiction is powerful if you use it to help YOU, but once you use to be disgustingly understanding or to try to 12-step your loved one, it becomes the tool of the devil. Instead ask yourself why you are so addicted to your addicted loved one...why it is so hard to tell where she begins and you end.
11) Having expectations.
Expectations are disappointments waiting to happen. On the other hand, having low expectations leads to excuse-making (see #1).
12) NOT working on ourselves.
It sure is easy to look at the addict and believe that all would be right in our worlds (and more importantly in our interior lives) if only.
Instead, try looking at what you contribute to the dynamic. What is it in us that makes us need to project-manage them and their disease? What is the sickness in me that I feel that all positive outcomes hinge on what I do or say? Once again, it's all about me.
13) Seeing your situation as special or different.
This has a name in 12 step settings: terminal uniqueness. We are all terminally unique. In codependents this most often takes the form of Shes so wonderful, sweet, funnywhen shes not using. Yep, they are all terrific, sensitive souls when the drugs have not robbed them of that. Your addicted loved one is no more or less special, spiritual, kind, creative, loving...(fill in the blank) than any other addict, including those junkies you see outside meetings or in line at the clinic.. Everyone is someones father, wife, child, friend. Your family member may just more fortunate in education, economics, community support, or family structure. None of us are more special than another. There but for the grace of God..."
and keep coming back "worried to death" for support. there are groups of parents out there in every town that gather together in meetings to help support one another and share the places and things that can help your daughter. I think it's ALANON? I was recommended by someone to go but I never went. I don't go out in the evenings. so I come to the boards here.
At the top of the page there's a spot for programs and Resources that you can check out.
I wish you the best. I really understand what you're going through and want to be here for you. anytime you need to talk. let me know.
I wish you peace and wellness
Al-Anon and Nar-Anon. http://www.al-anon.org/ http://www.nar-anon.org/
Click on "Find a meeting"
All the best.
Bob R
Click on "Find a meeting"
All the best.
Bob R
