Good morning all, I already wrote an entire post and somehow deleted it. So, I'm going to try to be brief. No, I can't be brief about this.
My emotions have gone haywire, or they are just now coming back, or something. The last time I remember being angry, though, was when I was just getting ready to turn 16. That was 35 years ago. Here's what happened.
I was a very good athlete when I was in school. I ran track, played basketball and softball. I coached a little girls basketball team and we won the league championship and came in 2nd in the City Tournament. It was quite an accomplishment for those little girls because it was the first year any of them had ever played on a team. I loved my life. My boyfriend was the love of my life, so I thought. The only problem was that my boyfriend was my 33 year old track and basketball coach.
I'll try to make this part short. I developed a crush on him at age 14. He flirted with me all the time. He told me he loved me. He said when I turned 18 he would marry me. He molested me, and because I didn't know what I was supposed to do back to him, he told me that he couldn't be in a "high school" relationship. This happened on a school bus going to a State track meet. So, long story short, I didn't know how to have sex, so he broke up with me.
He started being really mean to me, and so did his other male buddy teachers at school. I called him a b****** in front of a bunch of football players and he threatened to take me to the office and I screamed at him, "Let's go, you s.o.b. because I'm ready to talk! Are you???" Needless to say, he didn't take me to the office. But he did break my heart. The last softball game I ever played, I pitched a no-hitter on purpose so that no one could play. I didn't understand why I felt so mad. But the anger grew worse.
That next school year, I went to a football game and drank for the first time. I felt like the world slipped off my shoulders. I wasn't angry anymore. I felt good. I knew in my heart, though, that my life was pretty much over. Then I started experimenting with weed. Then I stayed high on weed for years. I dropped out of high school. I went to a bar one night with some older women and literally decided to lose my virginity that night. I didn't know who it would be but I would find someone. Well, it was the keyboard player in the band. And the next day I ran away with him, went on the road with the band, and became the lead singer. I married the man so that I could be emancipated legally. I divorced him at age 18. I sang with another band for a few years, always traveling, always staying in hotels, always partying, so on and so forth. After 7 years I came home for good. But I never, ever got angry again because I medicated it with drugs and alcohol. There wasn't a waking moment that I was actually straight for about 9 years.
About 14 years ago, my doc started prescribing hydro 10s for a neck injury I received after flying through a windshield driving drunk. Long story short: He gave me 80mg Oxycontin and also Demerol a little later on. He kept prescribing this cocktail for years until he got busted. That's when I started on the street drugs.
But back to the anger. Should I go take anger management classes? Should I just cope the best I can? Should I get a punching bag? All of the above? I think I may have drowned out the anger all these years and now it's still here and I have to deal with it straight. My anger is so bad, though, that I'm afraid I might smack somebody if they get in my face. And I've never smacked anyone!
Does anyone else have these types of issues? Any advice/encouragement/similar stories out there? Thanks and peace.
Hey Bearybad;
I've always been told that when we use we kind of shut ourselves off and when we finally come round and detox, get off the train; were still stuck at certain points. I was a mess the last time I came off heroin; I remember just crying and crying and crying...and I was so fcking angry at everything I wanted to scream....lots of feelings and no where to dump it...I came here a lot...wrote a lot, talked it through...it's normal...write a lot, do what you can to get by and talk to people if you can...everything helps...as your brain adapts again your emotions finally settle down...every time I detox I'm a roller coaster for awhile...hang in there...run, walk, do something to catch your head, when we dwell...we go down the rabbit hole...harder to get back again...so stay tough...keep your head occupied and let the anger out by writing, drawing, running...something safe...it will pass...I promise
I've always been told that when we use we kind of shut ourselves off and when we finally come round and detox, get off the train; were still stuck at certain points. I was a mess the last time I came off heroin; I remember just crying and crying and crying...and I was so fcking angry at everything I wanted to scream....lots of feelings and no where to dump it...I came here a lot...wrote a lot, talked it through...it's normal...write a lot, do what you can to get by and talk to people if you can...everything helps...as your brain adapts again your emotions finally settle down...every time I detox I'm a roller coaster for awhile...hang in there...run, walk, do something to catch your head, when we dwell...we go down the rabbit hole...harder to get back again...so stay tough...keep your head occupied and let the anger out by writing, drawing, running...something safe...it will pass...I promise
bearybad:
How would you like to sit in a room full of folks who's stories were very similar to yours and everyone KNEW how the other felt & thought ??...... go to your local AA/NA meetings and find them.
I thought I was so unique, so different, until I ended up in a recovery home in 1989 with 200 other people who were just like me.
They did what I did, they thought what I thought, they felt what I felt but they were beginning to change - to recover.
All the best.
Bob
How would you like to sit in a room full of folks who's stories were very similar to yours and everyone KNEW how the other felt & thought ??...... go to your local AA/NA meetings and find them.
I thought I was so unique, so different, until I ended up in a recovery home in 1989 with 200 other people who were just like me.
They did what I did, they thought what I thought, they felt what I felt but they were beginning to change - to recover.
All the best.
Bob
