Enough, please!
Hi, to everyone on the site who has posted their story. I have known I am a drug user, abuser and now addict for at least 5 years. The latter was quite hard to admit even though my subconscious mind knew all along because my conscious mind just continued continues to override what my brain is telling me and that is that no matter how hard I try and sincerely believe that thisll be the last gram Ill buy. However, it never is.
Even now, when I am writing this in which to share the admittance I am reluctant to do anything about it! My entire septum has rotted away and I have spent possibly 25,000 on utter rubbish in the last four years. I am no better than anyone else is but I am very harsh on myself and believe I should be able to do this alone. The main reason being that I kicked alcohol about 7 years ago without any outside help or support group; in fact, any support at all. I have now come full circle with alcohol because I genuinely do not like the taste, feeling, or even the smell of booze. I have no cravings whatsoever and can go to pubs, parks, concerts, on holiday and it does not bother me in the slightest.
Naturally, the first year was the hardest and I slipped up at least six times but every time it got easier i.e. from drinking one bottle per night to one bottle a week. After several weeks I took it down to one glass a week and then one sip; then finally buying an entire bottle and tipping it down the sink without touching a drop (regardless of how expensive the wine was or how ludicrous it must sound), but I was then able to stop buying it all together.
Forward another five years and I find myself in exactly the same pattern but with powder. I had always been anti-drugs from an early age until one of my friends said that my stand on all people being inherently selfish and self-absorbed when on drugs, didnt hold water as I had never seen it from the other side. The words stung and I felt nave, judgmental and, tragically, curious. You know the rest.
I am not sure what I am seeking from this site but have tried alone to no avail. Readers, please feel free to evaluate my email. However, would you keep in mind that I do suffer from a serious mental health disorder and been subjected to criticism my entire life and therefore would be grateful for a NON hard-hitting response because of the afore mentioned and also because I do completely understand that I have a big problem and I am not in denial.
Perhaps I am looking for some words of wisdom and/or encouragement, which I would very much appreciate.
Thanks for taking the time out to read this.
HL
Dear HL,
Hey, I just came to this site, and ur post wasnt the first one I read, but it is the one I felt the need to respond to. First of all, please let me say congrats on kickin the drinkin habit, and even though I dont know you...I am proud of you. I am also proud of you for havin the courage to tell your story, and for reachin out for advise. I do believe its goin to be a rough journey to kick the drug habit, but I do have faith that you will win this battle just as ya did the one with drinking. I do believe that havin someone to talk to can help, and I am here if you dont have anyone else to talk to. I know you can do this, you need to do this so that you can get healthy again. I believe in you. Sincerely, Deb D.P.
Hey, I just came to this site, and ur post wasnt the first one I read, but it is the one I felt the need to respond to. First of all, please let me say congrats on kickin the drinkin habit, and even though I dont know you...I am proud of you. I am also proud of you for havin the courage to tell your story, and for reachin out for advise. I do believe its goin to be a rough journey to kick the drug habit, but I do have faith that you will win this battle just as ya did the one with drinking. I do believe that havin someone to talk to can help, and I am here if you dont have anyone else to talk to. I know you can do this, you need to do this so that you can get healthy again. I believe in you. Sincerely, Deb D.P.
Dear Debbie,
I am sorry I have only just seen your post: so thank you!
I fell off the chemical wagon from some height about 72 hours ago and feel sick as a dog.
But for the FIRST time in twenty years, I am not beating myself up; guilt-tripping; saying sorry; making any excuses and boring my brain with its excuses. Why? Because it occurred to me that, although I am not denying addiction, I AM understanding that half the population have never been, firstly, taught how to even learn; and b) been given advanced and educated warnings/explanations of all the possible emotions that human beings have to endure in varying extremes throughout their lives and healthy coping skills.
I know we all have our stories, but when I pieced together mine, I finally understood that the multiple tragic deaths of my loved ones, seventeen years of fighting bipolar disorder, some extremely disturbing suppressed abusive memories, and accepting the fact that, I do not want to die without having achieved even 10% of my potential, but I am exhausted with keeping secrets, living with shame, self-mutilating, hoovering up horse manure until my nose will surely fall off all together into a pile of rotting pig's flesh. More-so, I LOVE my animals, my partner and my family and they do not deserve for me to slowly die on them only to rid myself of my pain, to selfishly and willingly leave them with not only the level of pain I dragged with me, but, most likely, experience ten times' that amount. Forever.
So I f**cked up. But let me ask you this: if an intruder broke into your house and tried to kill you by pouring acid down your neck, you'd sure to hell fight for your life, right? So it's time to look at that intruder and kick him to the kerb when he tries to choke me, shatter me, kill me. And when I look at my beautiful animals, so innocent, so loyal and showing nothing but unconditional love for me, as ME, the reason finally dawned: that they are wonderful animals not only because they live in the moment, like clever, little Buddhist beasts, but because they are with a creature who loves them unconditionally and is showing beauty and unconditional love, because it's a reflection on me and how much I truly love and treasure them.
My beautiful girl kitten actually saw me about to abuse a few months' ago and, I swear, she jumped up on my bed, and with a deft right hook of her paw, sent my chemical smorgasbord rocketing up into the air, dispersing the powdered cr*ap of millions of dirty, falling ashes onto the floor; now fully irretrievable, trapped amongst the weaves of the deep carpet. However, I was more horrified to hear my knee-jerk reaction, which was, Mini!! What have you done!??.... but, astoundingly, and within a beat of my heart, I realised: oh my God, yes, indeed, what had she done!? Nothing more than to stop her loving Mummy disappearing into a cold and distant shell for hours upon end. I hugged her. I kissed her beautiful head and thought how pure and wise and wonderful she was: did she truly believe I had those attributes too?? I then thought for the first time: would I pepper her food with nasty chemicals if she looked depressed/lonely/scared etc!!?? Never, ever, EVER!!
Anyway, thank you for listening...
Hidden Light xx
I am sorry I have only just seen your post: so thank you!
I fell off the chemical wagon from some height about 72 hours ago and feel sick as a dog.
But for the FIRST time in twenty years, I am not beating myself up; guilt-tripping; saying sorry; making any excuses and boring my brain with its excuses. Why? Because it occurred to me that, although I am not denying addiction, I AM understanding that half the population have never been, firstly, taught how to even learn; and b) been given advanced and educated warnings/explanations of all the possible emotions that human beings have to endure in varying extremes throughout their lives and healthy coping skills.
I know we all have our stories, but when I pieced together mine, I finally understood that the multiple tragic deaths of my loved ones, seventeen years of fighting bipolar disorder, some extremely disturbing suppressed abusive memories, and accepting the fact that, I do not want to die without having achieved even 10% of my potential, but I am exhausted with keeping secrets, living with shame, self-mutilating, hoovering up horse manure until my nose will surely fall off all together into a pile of rotting pig's flesh. More-so, I LOVE my animals, my partner and my family and they do not deserve for me to slowly die on them only to rid myself of my pain, to selfishly and willingly leave them with not only the level of pain I dragged with me, but, most likely, experience ten times' that amount. Forever.
So I f**cked up. But let me ask you this: if an intruder broke into your house and tried to kill you by pouring acid down your neck, you'd sure to hell fight for your life, right? So it's time to look at that intruder and kick him to the kerb when he tries to choke me, shatter me, kill me. And when I look at my beautiful animals, so innocent, so loyal and showing nothing but unconditional love for me, as ME, the reason finally dawned: that they are wonderful animals not only because they live in the moment, like clever, little Buddhist beasts, but because they are with a creature who loves them unconditionally and is showing beauty and unconditional love, because it's a reflection on me and how much I truly love and treasure them.
My beautiful girl kitten actually saw me about to abuse a few months' ago and, I swear, she jumped up on my bed, and with a deft right hook of her paw, sent my chemical smorgasbord rocketing up into the air, dispersing the powdered cr*ap of millions of dirty, falling ashes onto the floor; now fully irretrievable, trapped amongst the weaves of the deep carpet. However, I was more horrified to hear my knee-jerk reaction, which was, Mini!! What have you done!??.... but, astoundingly, and within a beat of my heart, I realised: oh my God, yes, indeed, what had she done!? Nothing more than to stop her loving Mummy disappearing into a cold and distant shell for hours upon end. I hugged her. I kissed her beautiful head and thought how pure and wise and wonderful she was: did she truly believe I had those attributes too?? I then thought for the first time: would I pepper her food with nasty chemicals if she looked depressed/lonely/scared etc!!?? Never, ever, EVER!!
Anyway, thank you for listening...
Hidden Light xx
