I feel like I'm going to die inside and I have 6 house guest for Thanksgiving arriving in a few days and all I want to do is scream DON'T COME. Which is not an option seeing that I invited them and they have already purchased their plane ticket.
I feel like I am always faking it, my husband who I love just doesn't get it. He is NOT an enabler and he's always telling me that I need to stop being such a people pleaser. Of course he doesn't mind when he's the person that I'm pleasing. I know a lot of times I don't tell him the things J has done because again I'm trying to protect him (J) but the other reason is he just doesn't understand. He makes it sound like there is a switch that I can just flip and get over it.
I have a big birthday coming up and I'm not happy about it....and I know he has planned this great mini vacation for us that includes another couple and I am dreading it. I'm so sick of people telling me don't let him ruin my life but how do you do that? I know in my head I can be strong but my heart is breaking. So I just fake it the best I can, then I cry in the shower.
I feel like I am never 100% mentally in the moment, even on my best days J takes up about 25% of my thoughts all day every day. Does it ever get any easier? I don't want to wake up someday and think I haven't enjoyed or been present in my life.
When we lost our youngest son I think the only way I got through it was be had a 2 year old grandson not that he in anyway replaced Steven but he didn't understand, so you couldn't be sad around him that's not what he expected for nana.
I get so mad a J for making me dread the holidays and then the guilt comes....I'm just tired.
thanks for listening
I sure wish I didn't know how you feel.... but I do. I also lost a son, and I have an addicted son now is that I worry about terribly. A few things that do help me include a very strong belief that there is a higher power that sees and knows everything. I do not believe this life we are living right now is the only thing we have. I don't know if it helps but my personal belief is that we are all on this Earth to learn something and the lesson that my son is learning now is one that I can't begin to understand but that's what his journey is.
I also know that my son does not have any comprehension of how much he's hurting me or worrying me. And I guarantee that when he is out using and living his life he's not thinking about how badly it affects me. I also know that he is not going to take control of his own life in any way as long as I continue to try and do it for him. I love him but I have learned to set clear boundaries that I can live with so that I can let go and enjoy my life more. It's not easy it'll be a journey for you but you can get through it. Going to meetings really helps. When I'm having a really hard time I just get on this site and read through everyone else's messages and that gives me the strength to disengage a little bit from my son's drama and live my life.
Sometimes I have to give myself permission to relax and enjoy myself. Sometimes I have to give myself permission to put myself and my own needs first. And when you do that you find that you start to feel better.
I also know that my son does not have any comprehension of how much he's hurting me or worrying me. And I guarantee that when he is out using and living his life he's not thinking about how badly it affects me. I also know that he is not going to take control of his own life in any way as long as I continue to try and do it for him. I love him but I have learned to set clear boundaries that I can live with so that I can let go and enjoy my life more. It's not easy it'll be a journey for you but you can get through it. Going to meetings really helps. When I'm having a really hard time I just get on this site and read through everyone else's messages and that gives me the strength to disengage a little bit from my son's drama and live my life.
Sometimes I have to give myself permission to relax and enjoy myself. Sometimes I have to give myself permission to put myself and my own needs first. And when you do that you find that you start to feel better.
Kelly--
Oh Kell I have the same feelings all the time and I have been battling this addiction of MINE(enabling) for over 20 yrs. It has only gotten easier since I have made it really final and in my heart I know I am doing the right thing! After all nothing for the past 20 yrs. has made a difference in my Chris. In fact, he has gotten worse. I don't want to be the one that gave him money to buy drugs with or when he OD's! I couldn't live with that. The guilt and daily worry gets a little easier with time. I am still working on it as well since I just stopped this craziness 5 months ago.
I put on my fake smile and demeanor for everyone and cried at night in the shower like you. Finally I thought to myself-- Why am I destroying myself and my family when my Chris is out there somewhere getting high and trying to figure out who he can manipulate next! I guess I had just cried so many times alone that I had no more tears left in me. I went through stages like a person with cancer. Co-dependency, disbelief, denial, anger, resentment, jealousy, sadness, depression, and then finally acceptance. Acceptance that I can no longer control Chris or make him get better or be the son I wanted him to be!
I work everyday on it and some days are harder than others. But I am making progress and as slow as it seems, I know it is the right thing that I am doing.
Stay strong Kell! Let go and let God because nothing else you have done has worked --has it?
Sending you prayers and hugs in this struggle--Lori
Oh Kell I have the same feelings all the time and I have been battling this addiction of MINE(enabling) for over 20 yrs. It has only gotten easier since I have made it really final and in my heart I know I am doing the right thing! After all nothing for the past 20 yrs. has made a difference in my Chris. In fact, he has gotten worse. I don't want to be the one that gave him money to buy drugs with or when he OD's! I couldn't live with that. The guilt and daily worry gets a little easier with time. I am still working on it as well since I just stopped this craziness 5 months ago.
I put on my fake smile and demeanor for everyone and cried at night in the shower like you. Finally I thought to myself-- Why am I destroying myself and my family when my Chris is out there somewhere getting high and trying to figure out who he can manipulate next! I guess I had just cried so many times alone that I had no more tears left in me. I went through stages like a person with cancer. Co-dependency, disbelief, denial, anger, resentment, jealousy, sadness, depression, and then finally acceptance. Acceptance that I can no longer control Chris or make him get better or be the son I wanted him to be!
I work everyday on it and some days are harder than others. But I am making progress and as slow as it seems, I know it is the right thing that I am doing.
Stay strong Kell! Let go and let God because nothing else you have done has worked --has it?
Sending you prayers and hugs in this struggle--Lori
Kelly, I hope your Thanksgiving turns out better than you expect. It might be good that you have people coming to visit. They will keep you busy and you might enjoy the day more with something to take your mind off things. I am glad people are coming to our house because it would be much worse to be home alone with my mind racing.
I think the holidays are going to be bad for everyone. Three years ago our son slept through Thanksgiving and Christmas on our sofa. He might as well have been somewhere else. Two years ago he came by late in the day to pick up his presents and then left. Last year there was some not good stuff going on that kept him away so we went to see him at Christmas. We thought we were doing something nice but it was a big mistake. He threw his presents at us and screamed because we wouldnt give him money. I was very upset by the whole experience. This year he has not been invited for the holidays. That doesnt mean that he wont show up at the door anyway! He gets nostalgic and wants family time but we cant let him in and I dont want to have to send him away so I am praying he doesnt come. We might have to call the police if he shows up and I dont want the day completely ruined. So I do dread the holidays
My husband deals with things much better than I do and didn't understand why I couldn't detach. I am the enabler so our son was nicer to me but only when I was saying yes. No sets him off big time or telling him things he doesnt want to hear. My husband was the one that received all the hatefulness, physical threats, name calling, and was even hit once so of course he could see things more clearly.
Even after detaching, we often dont feel safe in our own home. We keep the doors locked all the time and look over our shoulders a lot so we wont get bushwhacked when we come home from work or go to the mailbox. We worry when the dogs start barking at a noise outside. We are startled when the phone rings at an odd hour or on a weekend. I believe they call that PTSD. Yes, you can get it from codependency and enabling for way too long.
There are stages you go through as Lori said. Each step is hard, but acceptance is what we all fight against I think. When we finally accept the way things really are, we have to acknowledge that we have no control over it and cant change things. Then we can no longer hold onto dreams and we have to face reality. Hard, hard, hard...nothing is easy about any of it!
I think the holidays are going to be bad for everyone. Three years ago our son slept through Thanksgiving and Christmas on our sofa. He might as well have been somewhere else. Two years ago he came by late in the day to pick up his presents and then left. Last year there was some not good stuff going on that kept him away so we went to see him at Christmas. We thought we were doing something nice but it was a big mistake. He threw his presents at us and screamed because we wouldnt give him money. I was very upset by the whole experience. This year he has not been invited for the holidays. That doesnt mean that he wont show up at the door anyway! He gets nostalgic and wants family time but we cant let him in and I dont want to have to send him away so I am praying he doesnt come. We might have to call the police if he shows up and I dont want the day completely ruined. So I do dread the holidays
My husband deals with things much better than I do and didn't understand why I couldn't detach. I am the enabler so our son was nicer to me but only when I was saying yes. No sets him off big time or telling him things he doesnt want to hear. My husband was the one that received all the hatefulness, physical threats, name calling, and was even hit once so of course he could see things more clearly.
Even after detaching, we often dont feel safe in our own home. We keep the doors locked all the time and look over our shoulders a lot so we wont get bushwhacked when we come home from work or go to the mailbox. We worry when the dogs start barking at a noise outside. We are startled when the phone rings at an odd hour or on a weekend. I believe they call that PTSD. Yes, you can get it from codependency and enabling for way too long.
There are stages you go through as Lori said. Each step is hard, but acceptance is what we all fight against I think. When we finally accept the way things really are, we have to acknowledge that we have no control over it and cant change things. Then we can no longer hold onto dreams and we have to face reality. Hard, hard, hard...nothing is easy about any of it!
Kellyp..My heart aches for what you are going through! I am in recovery, but I like reading the family board because it gives me some insight into my own family, my addiction and my recovery.
One thing that stuck out in your post to me was how you said you had to pretend not to be sad around your grandson. I have a young child(with autism, no less) and I have learned through my recovery not to hide my feelings.
It is a natural humn emotion to cry. When children (especially young children) see us let out our feelings and deal with them, it gives them a healthy view of emotions. Obviously, hysterical, uncontrolled sobbing can be scary and is probably best left to quiet moments alone. But, even young children can learn a lot by seeing us sad.
When I am sad, if my daughter asks, I simply say I am feeling sad. If she asks why, I either tell her the truth (I am missing Grandpa, I saw a sad movie etc.) or if it isn't appropriaye to share, I say I'm sad because of a grown-up problem. but not to worry...it is just something that is making me sad at the moment. Then I say something like, "I'm feeling sad now, but I am so happy you are my daughter. When my tears are finished, I would love to do something with you..perhaps a cuddle or story?"
I grew up in a house where feelings weren't discussed and we weren't allowed to cry...we had to "suck it up". I am trying to make feelings the natural part of the human exisitance that it should be for my daughter.
I've tried this same sort of thing with anger and frustration and I have seen her grow so much. She is so easily able to express her feelings in a healthy way. I am so happy that in my recovery, I was able to give her a better experience than I had!
Anyway, I just wanted to share what I learned with you! It is hard to learn healthy expression. I'm not saying you have to explain every feeling and mood you are going through to a two year old. However, some of those moments will no doubt be teachable moments. As an addict, I had to learn emotional regulation...had no clue that it was ok to be sad, mad, depressed, bored etc. and definately had no idea how to deal with/express it!!
I commend you (all of you) for your deep ability to love!!! My heart hurts for all of you! Please know this...if I can recover, there is hope for everyone!!! (((hugs)))
One thing that stuck out in your post to me was how you said you had to pretend not to be sad around your grandson. I have a young child(with autism, no less) and I have learned through my recovery not to hide my feelings.
It is a natural humn emotion to cry. When children (especially young children) see us let out our feelings and deal with them, it gives them a healthy view of emotions. Obviously, hysterical, uncontrolled sobbing can be scary and is probably best left to quiet moments alone. But, even young children can learn a lot by seeing us sad.
When I am sad, if my daughter asks, I simply say I am feeling sad. If she asks why, I either tell her the truth (I am missing Grandpa, I saw a sad movie etc.) or if it isn't appropriaye to share, I say I'm sad because of a grown-up problem. but not to worry...it is just something that is making me sad at the moment. Then I say something like, "I'm feeling sad now, but I am so happy you are my daughter. When my tears are finished, I would love to do something with you..perhaps a cuddle or story?"
I grew up in a house where feelings weren't discussed and we weren't allowed to cry...we had to "suck it up". I am trying to make feelings the natural part of the human exisitance that it should be for my daughter.
I've tried this same sort of thing with anger and frustration and I have seen her grow so much. She is so easily able to express her feelings in a healthy way. I am so happy that in my recovery, I was able to give her a better experience than I had!
Anyway, I just wanted to share what I learned with you! It is hard to learn healthy expression. I'm not saying you have to explain every feeling and mood you are going through to a two year old. However, some of those moments will no doubt be teachable moments. As an addict, I had to learn emotional regulation...had no clue that it was ok to be sad, mad, depressed, bored etc. and definately had no idea how to deal with/express it!!
I commend you (all of you) for your deep ability to love!!! My heart hurts for all of you! Please know this...if I can recover, there is hope for everyone!!! (((hugs)))
Kelly,
It will get easier for you, the more you detach and the more you don't enable. There are times it still hits me hard that my son isn't the person I had hoped he would be. I've come to grips though, with the fact that him not being who I hoped he'd be, is my problem. It was my hopes. The more that I told myself that his life is his, mine is mine, the more I started to understand it and believe it. You will get there. Yes, you might have to "fake it" with other people but being around others and living your life and enjoying your life is what you need to do. You deserve to have a happy healthy life without having addiction being the center of it.
Hugs,
Michelle
Lollee,
That was really great advice about showing your emotions and explaining them to children. I think that could be a great tool in drug prevention. If kids can learn that it's ok to feel and learn appropriate ways to express their feelings, they might not turn to drugs later to help them deal. Good job with your daughter!
Michelle
It will get easier for you, the more you detach and the more you don't enable. There are times it still hits me hard that my son isn't the person I had hoped he would be. I've come to grips though, with the fact that him not being who I hoped he'd be, is my problem. It was my hopes. The more that I told myself that his life is his, mine is mine, the more I started to understand it and believe it. You will get there. Yes, you might have to "fake it" with other people but being around others and living your life and enjoying your life is what you need to do. You deserve to have a happy healthy life without having addiction being the center of it.
Hugs,
Michelle
Lollee,
That was really great advice about showing your emotions and explaining them to children. I think that could be a great tool in drug prevention. If kids can learn that it's ok to feel and learn appropriate ways to express their feelings, they might not turn to drugs later to help them deal. Good job with your daughter!
Michelle
I wanted to take a minute to let all of you know how much ever reply has meant to me. For some reason what Michele really hit home. He's not the person "I" want him to be and that's my problem. So true.
This Thanksgiving I will be adding all of you to want I am thankful for. I pray you all find piece tomorrow.
Kelly
This Thanksgiving I will be adding all of you to want I am thankful for. I pray you all find piece tomorrow.
Kelly
Hi Kelly, What Michelle said does hit home. I so agree with her. I hope you manage to have a nice Thanksgiving tomorrow. Try and switch your thoughts off for the day. Thinking too much can be bad for us moms. Take care! Mary
Hi Kelly, How you doing today? Just want you to know Your in my thoughts and sending you a hug. God bless, Mary
@Michelle...Those were some wise words about how his life isn't what you hoped it would be...and the rest of what followed that statement! You are a wise woman! ; )
@Kelly, I hope you are having a better day today.
To you all, I hope everyone is having a great Thanksgiving(for those of us stateside), I hope it is a day filled with peace, calm and absolutely no drama! I guess those would be odd things to wish for but we all know that in a family touched by addiction, having all of those things happen in one day would be a small miracle! (((hugs)))
@Kelly, I hope you are having a better day today.
To you all, I hope everyone is having a great Thanksgiving(for those of us stateside), I hope it is a day filled with peace, calm and absolutely no drama! I guess those would be odd things to wish for but we all know that in a family touched by addiction, having all of those things happen in one day would be a small miracle! (((hugs)))
