Falling Apart

I feel like I'm going to lose it today. Somebody please give me some wise words. My BF admitted a month or so ago that he's taking pills and drinking. Last Friday he told me he was stopping at his fathers house after work- no problem.Well, I have to be at work at 6a on Saturday morning. I get up at 4a and he's not home. I call his cell and he doesn't answer, so I called his mother to see if she could watch the baby. It had snowed....the roads were bad. That's stressful enough. I'm wondering if he's had a wreck or something. I send him a text message asking him to call..PLEASE....and he, of course, doesn't..I come home from work and he's asleep. Luckily.....still alive. Had me worried beyond anything I could ever imagine. I asked him what happened and he said "I was drinking". What kind of answer is that? I told him I can't have that in my life, and he said...I understand. I asked him to leave- very nicely.....No anger...anyway........he wont leave...He's been a total grump since then. I asked him yesterday why he's so mad at me, and he said I don't know why......I just am....He just stays here picking fights with me. I want him to move, and he knows that......Up until 8 months ago, this was the most wonderful man in the whole world....He's a different person, it's so frustrating. So, today is his birthday & I'm relieved he isn't here, yet so worried about him. Remembering his past birthdays- wondering how something so good could get so screwed up right before my eyes.....He has Xanax in his drawer.........I want to flush them, but I now better.......I'm a true believer in Al-anon. I'm just having a bad day. I sit here looking at this baby, and I wonder how anyone could be this way? My heart is broken..Tonight.....I miss my best friend....He's out there getting all messed up.....as I sit here missing him.........how wong is that????
Hi
Does he smell of booze when he comes home?
When he admitted that he was taking pills and drinking, did he express any desire to stop?
Have you had any discussions at all about him stopping and wanting to recover? How long has he been taking the pills and what pills are they? Are they for anything medical?
Does he have a job? How old is your child? Is it your child together?
Just wanted to get a clearer picture of your situation.
You are in a good place here. You will receive lots of support and advice.
Take care,
Mickey




Helllo there. Yes, he's very boozed up when he comes home. He was messed up the one time he talked about stopping. That was the night he told me about it. He's never tried to discuss it while sober. He has no medical problems that he takes medication for. He gets them from idiot friends....I suppose. Hydrocodone....They crush them and inhale them. I've found xanax also. This is all new to me. He has a job...although he didn't make it there today. Baby is six months old. Yes it's our child together. Wonderful baby. It's just nice to know that I'm not alone....that helps a lot
Have you tried talking to him when he's sober about all of this and how it affects you? You have every right to do that, but you really should do it when he is sober; otherwise, it will be falling on deaf ears anyway.
Don't be afraid to confront him about his addiction and what you need from the relationship, but ultimately the choice to get better is up to him.
You can tell him what you think about it and how it affects you; however, bargaining and negotiating solutions, etc. usually doesn't work. He has to make a choice of whether he wants to fix this or not.
And you have to make sure that you are not enabling him in any way to continue with his addiction.
I think you stated earlier that you were a big supporter of Al-Anon. Have you attended any meetings?
Yes....I've been to meetings. I've tried a time or two to talk to him while he's sober, and he wants no part of that discussion. Today....he's moving out. He isn't aware of that yet, but he will be. Quite simply....I've had enough of the nonsense. I know it will be a struggle to get him to go, but I have to. Do the police help with things like that? I refuse to raise a child in this environment. Too much stress.......
You are doing the right thing for yourself and your baby. I don't think the police can help unless he is physically harming you or threatening to or you are afraid for your safety.
I'm not completely sure on that. You may just want to call the police station and see what your options are and what they can do to help if they can.
Do you have any family members that can help you with this?
Or does he have any family members that can come and get him?
Do you own or rent the house you live in? Whose name is on the deed/lease?
I do have family that can help, but I can't really go live with them. His mother is very helpful to me. She knows what's going on...He wont talk to her now. I dread telling my father the mess I've gotten myself into. He was wonderful until the 6th month of pregnancy. I'm so mad at him.
One thing you have to understand is that you didn't get yourself into this mess. Your boyfriend/husband has done that. Not you. You are not taking drugs or drinking to excess - he is. You have done nothing wrong here. You have only done what you could do. You are not a fortune teller. You had no way of knowing this would happen. Did your boyfriend/husband have problems in the past at all with drugs or alcohol?
And you should be commended for wanting to change that predicament for yourself and your baby.
What kind of relationship with your father do you have? Why do you dread going to him for help?
Do you think if you didn't go to him and he found out later that he wouldn't be upset that you didn't go to him earlier?
Very well said.....thank you. I'm very close with my father....He's still very protective of me. I feel like I'm letting everyone down, I guess. I'm very ashamed. It just hurts.....No...no history of drug or alcohol abuse
I understand the hurt and the shame. However, we have nothing to be ashamed of. His guilt and shame do not belong to you - only to him. And he's obviously not ready to deal with that yet. Since your husband is early on in his addiction, I hope that your not putting up with his behaviour and showing him that by making him leave will wake him up and see what if he has to lose if he continues. Because "nothing changes if nothing changes".
If you are close with your dad, you should talk to him. You need family support especially right now.

You are very brave and you should be proud of yourself for how you are handling this.
Hey there nicegal! I just wanted to chime in and say that Mickey is aboslutely right, this is not a mess you got yourself into, you have nothing to be ashamed about, you are not letting anyone down - something was thrown your way and you just have to deal now.

I wanted to tell you that I am not that close with my parents - I dont tell them everything and they are not best friends - but we have nevertheless always been a close family - very conservative family....to me at one point the worst part of the whole situation was having to tell my parents my husband was a heroin addict. I was seriously concerned they would keel over, they would put my husband in jail something....I finally had to tell them - mind you the complete truth is I had one of my brothers there with me and he actually said the words out loud not me. It was a long time before I could even say the word heroin addict!

Anyway to the point...my parents were increadible! They were alot more knowledgeble about all of this than I could ever imagine...though my father simply leaves the house if he knows my husband is picking up or dropping off my son...my mother has been fantastic helping my father-in-law as well as of course me and my son etc. No one really has been mean about my husband being a drug addict - they feel sorry for him mostly and wonder how it all happened - but they dont think of him as the devil and mostly encorouge me to try and get him help.

So dont hide - people will find out eventually and you are just putting off the dread, when in reality its never as bad as you think it will be.
Hi Nicegal - just wanted to say you are doing the right thing by wanting him to leave. I, too, wanted my boyfriend to leave while he was in active addiction. He is real hard to get rid of because he really didn't have anywhere else to go. So, he refused. That was very stressful for me. If this is your boyfriend, and he uses your address as his residence (i.e., gets mail there, has the address on his driver's license, etc.), I was told the only way I could get him out of my house was to evict him. So, I did. Right before the last day (10 days) he decided to go to rehab. After he got out, I had enjoyed my 2 weeks of being by myself and didn't want him to come back. He went to a friend's house and the guy was using and he didn't want to stay there. So, I let him stay with me until he could find somewhere else. Over time, however, he has shown me that he is serious about staying sober, so I decided (once again) to give him another chance.

Going to rehab was his decision only, though, I didn't force him into it. I only told him that I wished him no harm and that I hoped he got some help. I gave him no ultimatums. So far, he is doing good. I have had to change a lot of things I was doing also that were enabling him and I was very co-dependent. It has really not been that hard for me, but I have had to catch myself sometimes trying to give him unasked for advice, etc.

Good luck to you - you already know there is nothing you can do to "fix" him and that he is responsible for his actions. Just take care of yourself and your baby.
Thank you all so much.. He finally woke up and I told him he needed to leave. and that we could do this one of two ways. If he goes peacefully today, I would give him some time to get himself together....or I could get a restraining order and a lawyer, and that I wouldn't hesitate to tell the court about his addiction. I've never had anyone speak so nasty to me in my whole life. He says I wasn't there for him. I told him a while ago that if he wanted my help he should ask for it while sober....and he chose not to. Anyway, he agreed to leave today, but has changed it until tomorrow..........He's just been really nasty to me. I don't understand the anger....says I'm trying to take his child away from him.....Is this really how his mind is working? I feel kinda sorry for him.....Tomorrow is his last chance.
Yes, that is how they are. In their minds, they are always the victims. It is always everyone else's faults.
It's also a way to try and manipulate you to change your mind. If you do change you mind, he will just keep doing this to you.
Stay strong!!
I know I can't change my mind....Will he be this bitter forever? We still have this child to raise...Will I ever be able to have a rational discussion with him? His anger is outrageous......
Hhhmmm....I became a guest...lol
You will be able to have a rational discussion with him when he becomes sober and wants to recover. Otherwise, right now, in his mind, everybody is against him and he is the victim and he doesn't want to face up to his addiction.
He may realize after what this addiction is actually costing him and then he may come to his senses and come asking for help instead of coming to you in anger.
You've already been there for him from the sounds of your first text, so don't let him make you feel guilty. He has to be there for himself first.
Nicegal - is there a chance he could physically hurt you? When my bf was at his worst, he took the butcher knife and left with it. I was a little scared about that. If you think he may get abusive, do you have anywhere to go for the night?
Yes......I'm staying at a friends house tonight.......ty though