My grandmother has been a drug addict for years but in the last 10 years she has become addicted to black tar heroin and meth. I do not have anything to do with her except for Christmas when my parents make me go to her house since she is still family. As a kid, I loved staying the night with her and doing what most kids would do at grandmas house, but I have not been able to feel close with her in a long time.
Recently, her son, my uncle, was arrested on drug charges and he confessed to the family how deep my grandmother was into drugs and she actually was taking. (The family likes to pretend everything is fine and that she is only taking painkillers.)
I am getting married in October and my biggest question is, should I invite her?
My reasoning for not wanting her there is that I have been opposite of my family. I can tell when she is high and when she is lying. (I have taken classes on addictions and my fiance is about to be an LCDC)
I do not want her around my family and friends when she is in that state and I do not want her to think that her addiction is okay with me. My fiance who is a recovering addict himself agrees that I should not invite her if she is not going to take her sobriety seriously, but that I need to explain to her that I still love her and want her healthy.
My dad thinks I should invite her to such a large event in my life. He asked how I would even know if she was high when she came and if I would drug test her?
She checked herself into rehab but only stayed two weeks because she is now "better."
I am just at a loss of how to feel or what to say.
Hi! Sorry to hear about the family drama. Unfortunately addiction does tend to bring the drama on full force!
I am in reocvery from addiction (just about four years) and I will tell you that my family had to make these very decisions about me and whether I should be invited to attend special family events and holidays. This is how we handled it.
First of all, there were never any demands put on me that I had to be sober to be there. What they did before an event was sit me down and let me know what they expected my behavior to look like. (no nodding at the table, no swearing or starting fights etc.) They never demanded that I didn't use because that was out of their control and it was my responsibility to take care of my using. By this time, they had all been in recovery from enabling and codependence for over a year...I was a slow learner and it took me longer than that to finally explore recovery! While they didn't demand sobriety, they did demand that I was on my best behavior!
They would tell me before an event that they loved ma and wanted me to be there, but that for me to participate I needed to be on my best behavior. Those behaviors, as I mentioned, were spelled out in detail. Usually it was things like if I was nodding or incoherent, I wold be asked to leave. If I used at the function or had drugs on me, I would be asked to leave. If I got loud, belligerent or caused drama, I would be asked to leave. We would discuss ahead of the event who would be the point person who would ask me to leave.
This worked very well for us. It showed me that even thought I was struggling with an opiate addiction, that my family still valued me and loved me and wanted me to share in these special times. It took pressure off them because if any behaviors that were not appropriate happened, we had agreed on how it would be dealt with (I would be asked to leave immediately...no second chance after I broke one of the rules for being there!)
There were quite a few times where I was asked to leave, but they never said it in anger. Whoever was the designated person was would quietly pull me aside, explain that because "insert unwanted behavior here", it was time for me to leave. Then they would always say they were glad I was able to come and that they hoped next time would be even better! They always said they loved me and then off I would have to go.
I would talk to your Grandmother honestly and tell her that you know she is struggling with addiction, but you love her and want her to be a part of your special day, but for her to be invited, she would have to agree to a behavior plan. Let her know it is not to punish her, but to make sure that your special day is as stress-free for you as possible. If she is absolutely not willing to do anything you mentioned, then inform her that though it makes you sad, you will not be inviting her. Let her know if she changes her mind, there will be a place for her.
Only you can judge how well you think this plan can be executed and if you can get other family members on board. If you have to not allow her to come do NOT feel guilty! You are entitled to a drama free wedding day as you take your steps to join your husband to be! I wish you all the best and I hope your wedding day is everything you have imagined it to be!
I am in reocvery from addiction (just about four years) and I will tell you that my family had to make these very decisions about me and whether I should be invited to attend special family events and holidays. This is how we handled it.
First of all, there were never any demands put on me that I had to be sober to be there. What they did before an event was sit me down and let me know what they expected my behavior to look like. (no nodding at the table, no swearing or starting fights etc.) They never demanded that I didn't use because that was out of their control and it was my responsibility to take care of my using. By this time, they had all been in recovery from enabling and codependence for over a year...I was a slow learner and it took me longer than that to finally explore recovery! While they didn't demand sobriety, they did demand that I was on my best behavior!
They would tell me before an event that they loved ma and wanted me to be there, but that for me to participate I needed to be on my best behavior. Those behaviors, as I mentioned, were spelled out in detail. Usually it was things like if I was nodding or incoherent, I wold be asked to leave. If I used at the function or had drugs on me, I would be asked to leave. If I got loud, belligerent or caused drama, I would be asked to leave. We would discuss ahead of the event who would be the point person who would ask me to leave.
This worked very well for us. It showed me that even thought I was struggling with an opiate addiction, that my family still valued me and loved me and wanted me to share in these special times. It took pressure off them because if any behaviors that were not appropriate happened, we had agreed on how it would be dealt with (I would be asked to leave immediately...no second chance after I broke one of the rules for being there!)
There were quite a few times where I was asked to leave, but they never said it in anger. Whoever was the designated person was would quietly pull me aside, explain that because "insert unwanted behavior here", it was time for me to leave. Then they would always say they were glad I was able to come and that they hoped next time would be even better! They always said they loved me and then off I would have to go.
I would talk to your Grandmother honestly and tell her that you know she is struggling with addiction, but you love her and want her to be a part of your special day, but for her to be invited, she would have to agree to a behavior plan. Let her know it is not to punish her, but to make sure that your special day is as stress-free for you as possible. If she is absolutely not willing to do anything you mentioned, then inform her that though it makes you sad, you will not be inviting her. Let her know if she changes her mind, there will be a place for her.
Only you can judge how well you think this plan can be executed and if you can get other family members on board. If you have to not allow her to come do NOT feel guilty! You are entitled to a drama free wedding day as you take your steps to join your husband to be! I wish you all the best and I hope your wedding day is everything you have imagined it to be!
Welcome Court . . . and Congrats on your engagement & upcoming marriage
I love Lolle's advice . . . and it works if the wedding takes place in your town . . .and she has a way to leave . . . and a place to go. But, if your wedding or reception is at a venue that Granny cannot exit stage left, don't invite her. And don't feel guilty about it. Your wedding is your day. You deserve to have a stress-free and happy day. If there is any chance that Granny will detract from that . . . if there is any chance that Granny will take the spot light off of you . . . then, don't invite her. And . . .let her know why.
When we had my dad's 85th bday party last July, we angst'ed about whether my then 20 yo daughter/his first granddaughter should attend. She was in a rehab in FL . . . and was not doing well there . . . wasn't following their rules . . .and was testing positive for weed (her DOC is heroin). We were having the party at dad's home in rural Vermont . . . where there are no sidewalks or traffic lights. . . no less a bus, train or taxi for my girl to leave if she acted up. And . . .we were a 4 hour drive from our home . . .and a 3 hour plane ride from her rehab. We also knew that there would be a lot of purses & wallets & gift cards and other things laying around.. . we learned how sticky her fingers were after our Xmas 2015 stay with my dad . . .
We wanted her to be with the whole family to celebrate. I worried that she might feel like we banished her to FL as punishment . . . and were ashamed of her. I wanted her to come to the party, if for no other reason than to feel how loved she is . . . and to give her hope & encouragement. BUT . . .We knew that if she came, we all would be on pins and needles . . .the focus would not be on my dad . . . but on her. We would all . . . my dad, my sister, hubby, me, cousins . . . be watching her like a hawk. You see . . . we would have gone for the weekend . . .she would have flown home and slept here overnight (enough time for her to get her weekend supply) . . .stayed at daddy's house . . . hubby and I were cooking for the party . . . So . . .long story made short . . .we told her that she couldn't come . . .and we shared with her the reasons why.
This is a tough decision. There is no right or wrong answer. Do what makes you feel is best and will make your day the happiest. But let us know what you decide . . . and how your wedding is. BUT whatever you decide, do NOT feel guilty. Your wedding is your day . . . and you are entitled to having everything as you ever dreamed of.
Congrats on your nuptials.
Lynn
xoxo
I love Lolle's advice . . . and it works if the wedding takes place in your town . . .and she has a way to leave . . . and a place to go. But, if your wedding or reception is at a venue that Granny cannot exit stage left, don't invite her. And don't feel guilty about it. Your wedding is your day. You deserve to have a stress-free and happy day. If there is any chance that Granny will detract from that . . . if there is any chance that Granny will take the spot light off of you . . . then, don't invite her. And . . .let her know why.
When we had my dad's 85th bday party last July, we angst'ed about whether my then 20 yo daughter/his first granddaughter should attend. She was in a rehab in FL . . . and was not doing well there . . . wasn't following their rules . . .and was testing positive for weed (her DOC is heroin). We were having the party at dad's home in rural Vermont . . . where there are no sidewalks or traffic lights. . . no less a bus, train or taxi for my girl to leave if she acted up. And . . .we were a 4 hour drive from our home . . .and a 3 hour plane ride from her rehab. We also knew that there would be a lot of purses & wallets & gift cards and other things laying around.. . we learned how sticky her fingers were after our Xmas 2015 stay with my dad . . .
We wanted her to be with the whole family to celebrate. I worried that she might feel like we banished her to FL as punishment . . . and were ashamed of her. I wanted her to come to the party, if for no other reason than to feel how loved she is . . . and to give her hope & encouragement. BUT . . .We knew that if she came, we all would be on pins and needles . . .the focus would not be on my dad . . . but on her. We would all . . . my dad, my sister, hubby, me, cousins . . . be watching her like a hawk. You see . . . we would have gone for the weekend . . .she would have flown home and slept here overnight (enough time for her to get her weekend supply) . . .stayed at daddy's house . . . hubby and I were cooking for the party . . . So . . .long story made short . . .we told her that she couldn't come . . .and we shared with her the reasons why.
This is a tough decision. There is no right or wrong answer. Do what makes you feel is best and will make your day the happiest. But let us know what you decide . . . and how your wedding is. BUT whatever you decide, do NOT feel guilty. Your wedding is your day . . . and you are entitled to having everything as you ever dreamed of.
Congrats on your nuptials.
Lynn
xoxo
