I feel so sad and yuck and I want so much to get off the stupid pills.
lately they don't even do much to cheer me up.
Is really bad depression a part of the drug dependence and withdrawal?
I used to be so optimistic about life and people and it is so hard to see through the clouds right now.
just wish I'd wake up feeling normal again
Fredo...
I am experiencing the similar feelings of dejection, apathy and a high lack of motivation towards socializing; or doing anything for that matter. I completely stopped taking pain pills a couple of days ago. I am hoping that in time, who I really am, will re-emerge? I regret the day I ever took those evil pills. I refuse to cave into the need to spirit myself away by taking just another pill. For I know if I do so I will never go anywhere in life. I need support though and I don't have numerous options banging on my door. Do you have any suggestions that doesn't entail spending thousands of dollars (which I don't have)? Sorry I'm not Rush Limbaugh. Good Luck, I recognize the pain you are going through.
Katz33
I am experiencing the similar feelings of dejection, apathy and a high lack of motivation towards socializing; or doing anything for that matter. I completely stopped taking pain pills a couple of days ago. I am hoping that in time, who I really am, will re-emerge? I regret the day I ever took those evil pills. I refuse to cave into the need to spirit myself away by taking just another pill. For I know if I do so I will never go anywhere in life. I need support though and I don't have numerous options banging on my door. Do you have any suggestions that doesn't entail spending thousands of dollars (which I don't have)? Sorry I'm not Rush Limbaugh. Good Luck, I recognize the pain you are going through.
Katz33
fredo,
boy do i remember feeling like you do, it was my rock bottom, like a black cloud looming over me,i felt so dark, lonely, hopeless, depressed even suicidal. i didnt care if i even lived anymore i would wish i would never wake up to face another demonic day. but there is hope you can say no you can stop many of us have or in the process. you are not alone. we are in this all together. everyone of us have been where you are. with the right support and the will. plus admitting you are powerless over this drug and you can't beat it alone. it takes alot of work but you are worth every effort you put forth. only you can stop the madness and we all will walk you through it. withdrawals do not last forever and you will feel a 1000 times better drug free then you ever did high. your looking at a week tops of feeling sick the first 3 or 4 days are your worse after that you start feeling cosiderably better. thats a severly short period out of your life considering the alternative. i might even suggest looking for an n/a meeting in your area.you will find yet again you are so not alone in this fight and there are people just like you at those meetings. dr's nurse's lawyers housewives. you have my support thoughts and prayers.
k,
same thing to you. do you have insurance? there are places you can go even if you dont that will accept you on a sliding scale payment even, or some are even free depending on your location and availability. some would even say that you drop thousands of dollars on your drugs so why not on your recovery (i dont know your situation, i know i spent more then i care to share) also again there is n/a that is free. meetings everywhere. plus you have my support thoughts and prayers as well.
terrianne
boy do i remember feeling like you do, it was my rock bottom, like a black cloud looming over me,i felt so dark, lonely, hopeless, depressed even suicidal. i didnt care if i even lived anymore i would wish i would never wake up to face another demonic day. but there is hope you can say no you can stop many of us have or in the process. you are not alone. we are in this all together. everyone of us have been where you are. with the right support and the will. plus admitting you are powerless over this drug and you can't beat it alone. it takes alot of work but you are worth every effort you put forth. only you can stop the madness and we all will walk you through it. withdrawals do not last forever and you will feel a 1000 times better drug free then you ever did high. your looking at a week tops of feeling sick the first 3 or 4 days are your worse after that you start feeling cosiderably better. thats a severly short period out of your life considering the alternative. i might even suggest looking for an n/a meeting in your area.you will find yet again you are so not alone in this fight and there are people just like you at those meetings. dr's nurse's lawyers housewives. you have my support thoughts and prayers.
k,
same thing to you. do you have insurance? there are places you can go even if you dont that will accept you on a sliding scale payment even, or some are even free depending on your location and availability. some would even say that you drop thousands of dollars on your drugs so why not on your recovery (i dont know your situation, i know i spent more then i care to share) also again there is n/a that is free. meetings everywhere. plus you have my support thoughts and prayers as well.
terrianne
T,
You are absolutely right about me spending probably thousands on pain pills. I thought to myself: "Gee, I could be spending my money on more worthwhile things." What makes falling back into the briar patch, so to speak, is that I do not have any family support, I really have no friends and I tried turning to a higher power, but I feel like it is contrived. I am wondering if I will ever feel at peace with myself---it's the cosmic struggle between good and evil. I sort of want to just disappear, since I have not been seen anyway. Another problem is that I am already predisposed to severe depression--drugs or not--and have attempted to take my life on a number of occasions. I wonder why I am still even here--a cosmic joke? I had enough suffering; I want it to end. It seems when I do have a rebirth something or someone disappoints me; yet again, and I lose interest in everything. Frankly, I have gone to N.A. and A.A. meetings and was one; threatened by a person, and two; I felt the contemptuous sanctimonousness of others oozing from every facet. So you can see why I feel a bit hesitant about going to meetings? Where I live most programs are being cut---thanks to the Bush Dynasty--and the one's offered require insurance, which I do not have at this time. I wish I did not feel so cut off, but for some reason there has always been a glass panel between me and others.
Hopeless and Dejected,
Katz33
You are absolutely right about me spending probably thousands on pain pills. I thought to myself: "Gee, I could be spending my money on more worthwhile things." What makes falling back into the briar patch, so to speak, is that I do not have any family support, I really have no friends and I tried turning to a higher power, but I feel like it is contrived. I am wondering if I will ever feel at peace with myself---it's the cosmic struggle between good and evil. I sort of want to just disappear, since I have not been seen anyway. Another problem is that I am already predisposed to severe depression--drugs or not--and have attempted to take my life on a number of occasions. I wonder why I am still even here--a cosmic joke? I had enough suffering; I want it to end. It seems when I do have a rebirth something or someone disappoints me; yet again, and I lose interest in everything. Frankly, I have gone to N.A. and A.A. meetings and was one; threatened by a person, and two; I felt the contemptuous sanctimonousness of others oozing from every facet. So you can see why I feel a bit hesitant about going to meetings? Where I live most programs are being cut---thanks to the Bush Dynasty--and the one's offered require insurance, which I do not have at this time. I wish I did not feel so cut off, but for some reason there has always been a glass panel between me and others.
Hopeless and Dejected,
Katz33
Katz,
yeah i feel you, i have had my own experiences with n/a i keep underwraps only because i think that my experience was an extremely isolated one. i found a different 12 step program. i am not sure how many n/a meetings you have been to so i am not an n/a pusher some have great experience and some dont. if the people have a great one then very cool in my opinion. yes i see where your frustration lies. i just typed to agnostic about my idea in faith/god. i dont know if it may shed some light for you or not. i know all about having great things meeting new people and then again getting kicked on your butt again made to fend for yourself. especially with family. i dont know why this happens. but i do know its for a reason, and what dont kill us makes us stronger. there is a lesson in there that we need to obviously be taught. for me i had to start looking/searching/seeking out good things through out my daily life. starting with a simple smile. eating a piece of chocolate. getting dressed up even if i had no where to go. reading posative things. doing things i enjoyed. lighting candles. watching funny movies. taking a child to a park. just one simple thing daily, then adding another, and each time i did that it took out the ugliness of the black hole and started filling it with light. you know lots of people have came clean with the help of online support at 1st. then once your head clears up you move on and find face to face support. you just stick around listen to others share there story and what worked for them. sorry if i missed somewhere but are you using ? how much and for how long? i used hydro,xanax and soma all 3 at same time. i took 30-40 of the combo and inbetween any other opiate i could get my hands. on. i did this close to 5 years. i have been a yr clean march 18. detoxed through help of a detox out pation for 5 days.
terrianne
yeah i feel you, i have had my own experiences with n/a i keep underwraps only because i think that my experience was an extremely isolated one. i found a different 12 step program. i am not sure how many n/a meetings you have been to so i am not an n/a pusher some have great experience and some dont. if the people have a great one then very cool in my opinion. yes i see where your frustration lies. i just typed to agnostic about my idea in faith/god. i dont know if it may shed some light for you or not. i know all about having great things meeting new people and then again getting kicked on your butt again made to fend for yourself. especially with family. i dont know why this happens. but i do know its for a reason, and what dont kill us makes us stronger. there is a lesson in there that we need to obviously be taught. for me i had to start looking/searching/seeking out good things through out my daily life. starting with a simple smile. eating a piece of chocolate. getting dressed up even if i had no where to go. reading posative things. doing things i enjoyed. lighting candles. watching funny movies. taking a child to a park. just one simple thing daily, then adding another, and each time i did that it took out the ugliness of the black hole and started filling it with light. you know lots of people have came clean with the help of online support at 1st. then once your head clears up you move on and find face to face support. you just stick around listen to others share there story and what worked for them. sorry if i missed somewhere but are you using ? how much and for how long? i used hydro,xanax and soma all 3 at same time. i took 30-40 of the combo and inbetween any other opiate i could get my hands. on. i did this close to 5 years. i have been a yr clean march 18. detoxed through help of a detox out pation for 5 days.
terrianne
Terriane...
I had titrated myself off of Vicodin, and I have not taken any for about three days. I think my grief is especially deep, because I adopted my only son out a little over a year ago. It is an open adoption, but still why can't my fortune change? Moreover, I have a job I loathe going to and do not understand why no one will give me a break, considering I do, at least, possess a B.A. I think of my son all the time and how my life would have been fuller if I had kept him. But that is yet another lost opportunity in the failure called my f***ing stupid life.
Katz33
I had titrated myself off of Vicodin, and I have not taken any for about three days. I think my grief is especially deep, because I adopted my only son out a little over a year ago. It is an open adoption, but still why can't my fortune change? Moreover, I have a job I loathe going to and do not understand why no one will give me a break, considering I do, at least, possess a B.A. I think of my son all the time and how my life would have been fuller if I had kept him. But that is yet another lost opportunity in the failure called my f***ing stupid life.
Katz33
katz,
everything happens for a reason as i said and listen, i can only imagine your pain, i am sure if you sit down with a list of pros and cons about it you will see some good. ok and next good things dont always just happen bt chance. sometimes we have to get up and moving and even kick son but for something good to happen. in other words you set a goal a dream and you make a plan of action and you work toward and visualise it. getting clean is a huge deal and at your amount of clean time thats amazing already. listen, you are going to feel this way right now, the first month you will have all kinda crazy hella emotions flying but ya know what after about the 2nd or 3rd week. you start seeing things in a different light. what feels really heavy today will not feel so bad soon. you'll soo start to see the good again and realise you did nothing to be and by far are not an F-UP. you didnt sign up to be an addict anymore then i did ok? it just happened now we know and look at what you are doing now?you are working so incredibly tough to stay and be clean. i promise you it does get better. the moods lift and you will feel lighter. look again i dont know and have never known anyone to be in your shoes. but you have to stop with the past. think about today. live for today and dont worry about tomorrow. ok so you did what you did regarding your child but its an open adoption, that doesnt sound like you made such a dumb choice to me. you still get to see him. you get to be a part of his life. look at the bright side. many moms dont even know where to even begin to look for thier child. before to long the lil guy is gonna be 18 and geuss what wham he has 2 mom's bonus what better thing could you have done for a kid huh. when he is 18 or even before he willbe cruising over wanting to spend more time with you. i am just tryen to shed some light and help you see the bright side, ya know what? your allowed to feel what your feeling right now. its ok to be where you are its not ok to stay there. you also will grieve the loss of your dugs(your best friend) that also could be some of it. allow yourself to feel again and go through the process naturally. its all a very normal part of life. we all relate to greiving. just be good to yourself and dont beat yourself up. you deserve so many wonderful things in life. you sound like such a beautiful person/soul. you can clean up and move on to some pretty awesome things you truely deserve. if no ones told you today that they love you well comsider yourself told. you deserve to be loved and cared about. and i do : )
terrianne
everything happens for a reason as i said and listen, i can only imagine your pain, i am sure if you sit down with a list of pros and cons about it you will see some good. ok and next good things dont always just happen bt chance. sometimes we have to get up and moving and even kick son but for something good to happen. in other words you set a goal a dream and you make a plan of action and you work toward and visualise it. getting clean is a huge deal and at your amount of clean time thats amazing already. listen, you are going to feel this way right now, the first month you will have all kinda crazy hella emotions flying but ya know what after about the 2nd or 3rd week. you start seeing things in a different light. what feels really heavy today will not feel so bad soon. you'll soo start to see the good again and realise you did nothing to be and by far are not an F-UP. you didnt sign up to be an addict anymore then i did ok? it just happened now we know and look at what you are doing now?you are working so incredibly tough to stay and be clean. i promise you it does get better. the moods lift and you will feel lighter. look again i dont know and have never known anyone to be in your shoes. but you have to stop with the past. think about today. live for today and dont worry about tomorrow. ok so you did what you did regarding your child but its an open adoption, that doesnt sound like you made such a dumb choice to me. you still get to see him. you get to be a part of his life. look at the bright side. many moms dont even know where to even begin to look for thier child. before to long the lil guy is gonna be 18 and geuss what wham he has 2 mom's bonus what better thing could you have done for a kid huh. when he is 18 or even before he willbe cruising over wanting to spend more time with you. i am just tryen to shed some light and help you see the bright side, ya know what? your allowed to feel what your feeling right now. its ok to be where you are its not ok to stay there. you also will grieve the loss of your dugs(your best friend) that also could be some of it. allow yourself to feel again and go through the process naturally. its all a very normal part of life. we all relate to greiving. just be good to yourself and dont beat yourself up. you deserve so many wonderful things in life. you sound like such a beautiful person/soul. you can clean up and move on to some pretty awesome things you truely deserve. if no ones told you today that they love you well comsider yourself told. you deserve to be loved and cared about. and i do : )
terrianne
Terrianne...
Thanks for the uplifting comments, I have some hope, because I do realize I am not helpless in the face of my addiction. It is going on five days without my daily crutch, and I am noticing I am feeling a mixture of good and bad. Good, due to the fact that I refuse to be a slave to my addiction, and bad because I am having to deal with a wide spectrum of issues I have been either avoiding, or putting on hold. Fear of everything was a huge reason why I resorted to using drugs. Fear of failure(s), fear of not living up to my potential, fear of not being smart enough, and so forth. I do love my son, more than anything in the world, and I certainly do not want him to know me as a washed-up addict. First of all, I have to figure out how to love myself.
Cheers,
Katz33
Thanks for the uplifting comments, I have some hope, because I do realize I am not helpless in the face of my addiction. It is going on five days without my daily crutch, and I am noticing I am feeling a mixture of good and bad. Good, due to the fact that I refuse to be a slave to my addiction, and bad because I am having to deal with a wide spectrum of issues I have been either avoiding, or putting on hold. Fear of everything was a huge reason why I resorted to using drugs. Fear of failure(s), fear of not living up to my potential, fear of not being smart enough, and so forth. I do love my son, more than anything in the world, and I certainly do not want him to know me as a washed-up addict. First of all, I have to figure out how to love myself.
Cheers,
Katz33
