We are having a party to celebrate my dad's 85th birthday next weekend. The family is coming. My 20 y.o. daughter who is living in a halfway house and doing IOP 3 days a week in FL wants to fly home for the party. A side of me WANTS her to come home. I haven't seen her in about a month. As the eldest grandchild, she should be at the party. My dad may not be around to celebrate his 90th. Then again, she may not either. (My reality) But there is another side of me. The side that says: "Are you frigging crazy to allow that drug addict, who is still using, back in the house?" I feel sooo guilty for even saying it.
She left home in March 2016 to go to detox/rehab in FL. Her choice to go 1,000 miles away. We know that despite 2 inpatient detoxs and God knows how many IOPs, she is still dabbling with heroin. Her drug tests show that. (She says she is using, but hasn't relapsed.Is there a difference?) And, she is job-free, even though she's been looking for 2 months. We've been sending her gift cards for food. But to try to spur her to get a job, we told her she has only 4 more weeks of her allowance before she gets cut off. I feel like I would be rewarding her bad choices by letting her come home. Enabling her to continue living the way she is. She needs to stay there to get/stay clean and sober and find a job. Right? But I also feel guilty saying she can't come home. I feel like I'm abandoning her, leaving her in FL while the rest of the family is partying.
If she comes home for the party, my husband and I will be on watch her entire visit. We'd have to take time off of our jobs to play Sobriety Police. She can't go any place unsupervised. No getting together with friends. She couldn't even walk the dog without an escort for fear she would hook up with one of her dealers. Basically, she will be on house arrest and we will be the guards. We've done this before. So we know the drill. Lock up all valuables. One of us sleep in living room. Sleep with car keys in pillow case. Lock purse in car trunk at night. Not exactly the way I want to spend any weekend, no less what's suppose to be a happy occasion. But I feel guilty saying, No.
I feel like she is tettering on the edge. Maybe I'm still dreaming and hoping. . . but maybe being around her grandfather, great aunts/uncles, cousins, etc might be good for her. Maybe the love and strength or something that she feels will revitalize her and encourage her to chose sobriety. I know. . . Dumb Mother's Hope. But I still have dreams that she'll have an "Aha" moment, get her life together and return to finish college in January.
I worry every time that the phone rings that it's either someone telling me she OD'd or she was arrested. Selfishly, I want her to come home so that I can hug her and kiss her. So I can show her that she is not abandoned, but very much loved. Who knows if there will be a next time. So, I feel guilty saying, No.
I gotta make a decision soon. . .before it becomes cost prohibitive for her to fly home: Yes, come home for 4 days, go to the party, get love/reconnect with family and get your license renewed? (My hubby fears she won't go back.) OR No, stay in FL, get your life together, we'll send pictures and we will come visit you later?
Hurtingmom,
Gotta say first, it was her choice to go to Florida. My daughter can't hold a job either. She's been fired from just about every one. No one wants an addict coming to work high all the time. The phone is a scary device, no lie. I dread what it may hold on the other end. It scares the HELL out of me!
Do you realize when you say "party with the family" that takes on a much bigger meaning to your daughter than you. It's like a 'legal excuse' for her to party. Plus she may continue to use for years.
Mine used the party excuse just recently on Memorial Day. One drank herself till she was a sloppy drunk. The other daughter was a miserable b**** the whole time, having panic attacks at my dad's, after not doing her drugs even for just the day..
She will think of it as a special occasion (which it certainly is) & she can 'celebrate' just a little. Sorry to say, but you know better.
Also, she will most likely take the entire focus off your extended family & dad. Not to mention, this precious time you have left with your dad . You shouldn't have to be on edge & police her, not to mention hide your belongings. Consider the 'attitude' fight too. You know they get one when they don't get their way.
I can sure understand that It's tempting, I know. I do it myself. I reach a plateau where I end up calling her, only to be reminded of just how self-centered she is now & that she's the only one that counts in her mind. Partying will be the one thing in focus & it sure as hell won't be being sober with her family.
I always end up regretting that I called my daughter, let alone see her! Good grief I know I couldn't right now, without risking becoming really angry & saying something/s I'd regret.
In my humble opinion, you should say 'no'.
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but do you really think she can fight off the temptation to party just a little with family, friends, etc...since she's still using? Also, are you ready to accept the turmoil if she decides to come back home & stay with you?
With all that said, you are our family & whatever you decide to do, you know you're not alone. If you give in, well, that's your business. Every family is different, mine as well. It's SO HARD I'm sure, having her in Florida & doing who knows what. I know for me too, we crave seeing them, holding & kissing them, covering them in love.
Just consider whether you will be getting your sweet girl back that she once was, or the addict that will see every member of the family as $ signs.
Tell her you'll visit & bring the pictures. Also she can call &/or maybe you guys can do something on-line. That would make you both feel better, seeing each other & the family!
I'm praying for you & you have my total support, whatever you decide.
love & God bless,
Dee
Gotta say first, it was her choice to go to Florida. My daughter can't hold a job either. She's been fired from just about every one. No one wants an addict coming to work high all the time. The phone is a scary device, no lie. I dread what it may hold on the other end. It scares the HELL out of me!
Do you realize when you say "party with the family" that takes on a much bigger meaning to your daughter than you. It's like a 'legal excuse' for her to party. Plus she may continue to use for years.
Mine used the party excuse just recently on Memorial Day. One drank herself till she was a sloppy drunk. The other daughter was a miserable b**** the whole time, having panic attacks at my dad's, after not doing her drugs even for just the day..
She will think of it as a special occasion (which it certainly is) & she can 'celebrate' just a little. Sorry to say, but you know better.
Also, she will most likely take the entire focus off your extended family & dad. Not to mention, this precious time you have left with your dad . You shouldn't have to be on edge & police her, not to mention hide your belongings. Consider the 'attitude' fight too. You know they get one when they don't get their way.
I can sure understand that It's tempting, I know. I do it myself. I reach a plateau where I end up calling her, only to be reminded of just how self-centered she is now & that she's the only one that counts in her mind. Partying will be the one thing in focus & it sure as hell won't be being sober with her family.
I always end up regretting that I called my daughter, let alone see her! Good grief I know I couldn't right now, without risking becoming really angry & saying something/s I'd regret.
In my humble opinion, you should say 'no'.
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but do you really think she can fight off the temptation to party just a little with family, friends, etc...since she's still using? Also, are you ready to accept the turmoil if she decides to come back home & stay with you?
With all that said, you are our family & whatever you decide to do, you know you're not alone. If you give in, well, that's your business. Every family is different, mine as well. It's SO HARD I'm sure, having her in Florida & doing who knows what. I know for me too, we crave seeing them, holding & kissing them, covering them in love.
Just consider whether you will be getting your sweet girl back that she once was, or the addict that will see every member of the family as $ signs.
Tell her you'll visit & bring the pictures. Also she can call &/or maybe you guys can do something on-line. That would make you both feel better, seeing each other & the family!
I'm praying for you & you have my total support, whatever you decide.
love & God bless,
Dee
She needs to stay away.If she's still using when in a new place 1,000 miles away she will most certainly use if she come back to her OLD people , places and things. Celebrate your Dad!
Thanks so much for responding Dee. Your words really hit home! I'm so sorry that your Memorial Day was a disaster. I can see my 4th of July going the same way. It's a shame. You want your children with you on holidays. But you want the addict to stay away.
Yes, if she decided to stay home, OMG...what turmoil that would cause. And, yes, a party takes on a whole new meaning to an addict. How could she not celebrate--just a little--when all the rest of the family is celebrating??
You are right. I still see my college attending, honor roll, cheerleader, working 2 jobs daughter. I saw a glimpse of her when we visited her in FL in early May. But when I returned later in the month, she was gone. And now, I don't get a call or a text unless she needs money. She is closed mouthed about everything else. Yes, she is self-centered. Yes, she is manipulative, a con artist and a liar . . . when she's using. And she is using now.
I guess I knew the answer all along. Thanks for confirming. Now. . . the hard part. Telling her she can't come. What do I say?
Yes, if she decided to stay home, OMG...what turmoil that would cause. And, yes, a party takes on a whole new meaning to an addict. How could she not celebrate--just a little--when all the rest of the family is celebrating??
You are right. I still see my college attending, honor roll, cheerleader, working 2 jobs daughter. I saw a glimpse of her when we visited her in FL in early May. But when I returned later in the month, she was gone. And now, I don't get a call or a text unless she needs money. She is closed mouthed about everything else. Yes, she is self-centered. Yes, she is manipulative, a con artist and a liar . . . when she's using. And she is using now.
I guess I knew the answer all along. Thanks for confirming. Now. . . the hard part. Telling her she can't come. What do I say?
You are right Jen. If she found drug connections 1,000 miles away, she damn sure will hit speed dial to cop when she's home.
I told her when she spoke of coming to look at flights and fares. That was 3 days ago. Haven't heard boo from her. So I guess that is my out. Now it IS cost prohibitive for her to come home.
I miss my daughter. . . the sensitive, dry witted, happy, smart, pretty non-drug using child.
I told her when she spoke of coming to look at flights and fares. That was 3 days ago. Haven't heard boo from her. So I guess that is my out. Now it IS cost prohibitive for her to come home.
I miss my daughter. . . the sensitive, dry witted, happy, smart, pretty non-drug using child.
Hi, You may not have to say anything. She might have forgotten it already. I don't think their memory holds anything for any length of time. Chances are she doesn't remember the conversation. Don't mention it again and see if she brings it up and if she doesn't then hopefully that will be it over with. If she does mention it tell her you were mistaken and it's next year. You might get away with that. You won't be able to get her to go back to rehab once she's home. Mary.
Mary, this may very well be true. This may explain why she hasn't googled fares and gotten back to me. I'm going to follow your advice and let sleeping dogs lie. She hasn't bothered to call any old way since receiving her allowance. She did text to say thanks. That was the last I heard from her.
WHY WOULD SHE WANT TO STAY AT HOME???? Things are not pleasant and happy when she is here. Why would she want to return to a place that she says is one of her triggers? Why would she want to leave her boyfriend (who she met in rehab. He's recovering, too) to come home to rules and regulations? At least in FL, she can come and go as she pleases without giving anyone any info. If she comes home, whether it be for 4 days or forever, she's going to be living like she's on house arrest. (Anyone know where I can rent a GPS ankle bracelet just in case?) Why would she trade FL sunshine, warmth and beaches for the Northeast's snow, cold and 4 seasons?
This begs the question I've been unwilling to answer. Namely, when CAN she come home? I said once when she's been clean and sober 180 days. That was in March, when she left. When I was hopeful that she would kick addiction in the tail and return to college in September. Now I know: The girl can't make it to 60 days! I guess I have to adjust to (yet another) reality. . . that she may never make it to 180 days. I ask myself: do I decrease the clean and sober time period or do I resign myself to the fact that she's now a resident of FL? (I know what the answer is. But I dream of the day when my baby is back home and clean/sober.)
Maybe I should be happy. For all intent and purposes, I kicked her out already. Now I just have to have the balls to follow through in 3 weeks to cut her off financially regardless of whether she has a job.
WHY WOULD SHE WANT TO STAY AT HOME???? Things are not pleasant and happy when she is here. Why would she want to return to a place that she says is one of her triggers? Why would she want to leave her boyfriend (who she met in rehab. He's recovering, too) to come home to rules and regulations? At least in FL, she can come and go as she pleases without giving anyone any info. If she comes home, whether it be for 4 days or forever, she's going to be living like she's on house arrest. (Anyone know where I can rent a GPS ankle bracelet just in case?) Why would she trade FL sunshine, warmth and beaches for the Northeast's snow, cold and 4 seasons?
This begs the question I've been unwilling to answer. Namely, when CAN she come home? I said once when she's been clean and sober 180 days. That was in March, when she left. When I was hopeful that she would kick addiction in the tail and return to college in September. Now I know: The girl can't make it to 60 days! I guess I have to adjust to (yet another) reality. . . that she may never make it to 180 days. I ask myself: do I decrease the clean and sober time period or do I resign myself to the fact that she's now a resident of FL? (I know what the answer is. But I dream of the day when my baby is back home and clean/sober.)
Maybe I should be happy. For all intent and purposes, I kicked her out already. Now I just have to have the balls to follow through in 3 weeks to cut her off financially regardless of whether she has a job.
Im a recovering drug addict so I know how they/we think. I really think honesty and reality is the best policy. I would just tell her the truth. Im worried about your using and although you are part of this family this party is about celebrating Grandpas life and Im afraid it will turn into babysitting you. If you were clean and sober this wouldn't be an issue but you are making your choices and I need to make mine.
I just lost my dad in Oct so I may be a bit biased but I REALLY want you to appreciate him and you WILL be walking on eggshells and watching every move she makes. Also WE NEED TO KNOW there are consequences for our actions! No exceptions.
I just lost my dad in Oct so I may be a bit biased but I REALLY want you to appreciate him and you WILL be walking on eggshells and watching every move she makes. Also WE NEED TO KNOW there are consequences for our actions! No exceptions.
Hurtingmom
I agree with everyone. My son has been using for 23 years. I thought the same it was his brother's Wedding. All he could think of was drinking and getting away to his work party.Drugs. He was staying in hotel with us, basically under lock and key and he still found a way to get high. People bring drugs to family outings also.
Stay strong, it's the worst thing in the world not knowing where your or what your child is doing. Mine was in Florida and now on the run. I haven't heard from him in over a month. He is on probation for petty thief. Instead of doing what he should of, he ran. Before I would make sure he did what he was suppose to do, drug counseling/Probation and even paid it just so he wouldn't go back to jail. It's been 10 years since he was in jail. You would think he didn't want to go back. His case worker help him get his drugs. The things he has done in the last 6 months would curl your hair. He is a major con artist. He could sell sand to a Arab.
Good news? that I haven't heard from him I don't know. OD who knows, alive I don't know..He usually surfaces when things are bad. I mean really bad. He won't call for money now, just the usual I am hungry, cold. I need a shower. I don't have my meds. He states he is bi polar, severe depression. I just said YOU THINK IT"S THE DRUGS. No mom I was born this way. Like hell you were! Then he forgets what he has lied about and moves on to another story. I could write a book. The thing is he calls to test the water, to see if he can manipulate me for money. I have toughen up, it still hurts no matter what, but I don't bend anymore.
Your daughter can get food stamps if unemployed and truth be told is probably is getting them and you unaware. The things my son was able to get for free while a 'recovering drug addict' was unbelievable. Free bus passes, free showers, etc.
So don't fight yourself when it finally comes time to stop sending any money. She will find a way to eat. They (drug addicts) stick together. Also she can go purchase food, then return it for money. Then get drugs, so in one way you are still enabling. Another Lesson I learned. I used to get gift cards for food places, he sold them for money, then got drugs.
It's awful how our children use emotional blackmail on us. But they are not the little child that you remember. Their brain chemistry has been rewired and it's not the child we brought up.
They are just feeding off your emotions to get what they want.
You don't love me , I don't want to live anymore. The family doesn't care. I am going to kill myself I have nothing to live for.
Any of this sound familiar yet? if not it will be.
For your sake and your family's sake there is nothing you can do. You can't cure it, didn't cause it and not responsible for them to seek help. They choose this life whether it's what we invision for them. They have to be the person to fix it.
My dear friend her son put himself in christian rehab for 18 months. You would think that would of work. Met someone who was recovering married and everything on the outside seem wonderful.
However he did OD on xanax three years after recovery. He never quit he just got better at hiding it.
Keep strong! It's all you got.
xxx
Sue
I agree with everyone. My son has been using for 23 years. I thought the same it was his brother's Wedding. All he could think of was drinking and getting away to his work party.Drugs. He was staying in hotel with us, basically under lock and key and he still found a way to get high. People bring drugs to family outings also.
Stay strong, it's the worst thing in the world not knowing where your or what your child is doing. Mine was in Florida and now on the run. I haven't heard from him in over a month. He is on probation for petty thief. Instead of doing what he should of, he ran. Before I would make sure he did what he was suppose to do, drug counseling/Probation and even paid it just so he wouldn't go back to jail. It's been 10 years since he was in jail. You would think he didn't want to go back. His case worker help him get his drugs. The things he has done in the last 6 months would curl your hair. He is a major con artist. He could sell sand to a Arab.
Good news? that I haven't heard from him I don't know. OD who knows, alive I don't know..He usually surfaces when things are bad. I mean really bad. He won't call for money now, just the usual I am hungry, cold. I need a shower. I don't have my meds. He states he is bi polar, severe depression. I just said YOU THINK IT"S THE DRUGS. No mom I was born this way. Like hell you were! Then he forgets what he has lied about and moves on to another story. I could write a book. The thing is he calls to test the water, to see if he can manipulate me for money. I have toughen up, it still hurts no matter what, but I don't bend anymore.
Your daughter can get food stamps if unemployed and truth be told is probably is getting them and you unaware. The things my son was able to get for free while a 'recovering drug addict' was unbelievable. Free bus passes, free showers, etc.
So don't fight yourself when it finally comes time to stop sending any money. She will find a way to eat. They (drug addicts) stick together. Also she can go purchase food, then return it for money. Then get drugs, so in one way you are still enabling. Another Lesson I learned. I used to get gift cards for food places, he sold them for money, then got drugs.
It's awful how our children use emotional blackmail on us. But they are not the little child that you remember. Their brain chemistry has been rewired and it's not the child we brought up.
They are just feeding off your emotions to get what they want.
You don't love me , I don't want to live anymore. The family doesn't care. I am going to kill myself I have nothing to live for.
Any of this sound familiar yet? if not it will be.
For your sake and your family's sake there is nothing you can do. You can't cure it, didn't cause it and not responsible for them to seek help. They choose this life whether it's what we invision for them. They have to be the person to fix it.
My dear friend her son put himself in christian rehab for 18 months. You would think that would of work. Met someone who was recovering married and everything on the outside seem wonderful.
However he did OD on xanax three years after recovery. He never quit he just got better at hiding it.
Keep strong! It's all you got.
xxx
Sue
Thanks Jen & Sue!! I hope Jen you don't mind if I cut and paste your words into a text message I'll send her later this week. My plan is to stay mum until Tuesday or so and then send the text.
No, she doesn't understand the consequences of her addiction. I think she thinks that even tho she's dropped out of college, lost an academic scholarship, stole all our valuables, moved 1,000 miles away, her using is no big deal. In her mind, she's just using a little bit and hence has not relasped. Isn't this like being a little bit pregnant??
I am anxious about 3 weeks from now when she will be totally on her own. She is only 20 (by that time 21), with no skills and no degree. I snooped through her purse the last time we saw her and found a food stamps card. So, she did apply for food stamps. But she says she was denied because we claimed her as a dependent on our taxes last year. She has to wait until we file our 2016 taxes. (Sounds crazy to me but I don't know anything about food stamps, welfare, WIC or other government programs.)
I love the manipulation. I haven't heard the lines you stated, Sue. She's got others.
"I can't concentrate because I haven't eaten today." "I need you to buy X so I can go on an interview." "I can't go to meetings because you won't buy me a car and you shut off Uber." "I got robbed." Earlier in the week, she tried emotional blackmail to try to get more money out of me than her weekly allowance. She said she was on the bus. When I asked where she was going, she said she was on the way to go panhandle. "To go what??", I asked. To go get some money, she responded. I had to swallow all my feelings!!! MY child is begging?? She's on the streets, walking up to strangers, asking for money??!! What happened to her pride, ego or self-worth? What's next? Selling her body???? I had to fight my inclination to fix it because there was a side of me that knew she was playing me, like big brass bass. That she was waiting for me to say, "Don't go. How much do you need? I'll send it right now." Instead I said, "That's nice. Be careful. Good luck!" I asked whether her boyfriend was with her and because he wasn't suggested that the next time they go together. It'll be safer that way, I explained and then changed the subject. Not the response she expected from me. She quickly got off the phone after that. I guess I, too, am toughening up.
Thank you for all of your thoughts and insights. I guess I don't feel guilty saying No to her coming to the party anymore. Now, I'm just sad, scared and impatient. It breaks my heart that she's not going to be with the family next weekend. It breaks my heart that she can't come home for a LONG time. It breaks my heart that I can't give to my child freely. That I won't help her meet her basic needs in a few weeks. That she may really have to resort to begging when she is cut off. She was raised in suburbia. Went to private and boarding schools. She uses proper English. She has no street skills. How will she survive?
How much longer is she going to live her life like this? She's been using heroin for about 2 years now (in high school it was pills and alcohol). Since she's been 15, she's been in/out of at least 7 rehabs. Her junior & senior years of high school and first semester at college she was clean and sober! And, she was successful. 3.5 GPA, RA, treasurer of her sorority, student ambassador, camp counselor, etc. I would think that she would want to have that level of success, feeling of accomplishment, and happiness again. Where she was doing positive things for herself and others, AND she was sober. Why can't she connect the dots?
Bless you Sue and others who I see on this site who have been battling addiction of a loved one for decades. You are true role models to me: you haven't given up, you haven't given in and you are encouraging others in spite of your own pain. I'm praying for all of you warriors. We've been on the rehab/IOP/sober living merry-go-round for 3 1/2 out of the last 6 years, and hot and heavy since January. You know what??!! I'm tired. I'm mentally, physically and emotionally whipped. I'm ready to give up. I'm ready to give in. And she's only 20!!!
No, she doesn't understand the consequences of her addiction. I think she thinks that even tho she's dropped out of college, lost an academic scholarship, stole all our valuables, moved 1,000 miles away, her using is no big deal. In her mind, she's just using a little bit and hence has not relasped. Isn't this like being a little bit pregnant??
I am anxious about 3 weeks from now when she will be totally on her own. She is only 20 (by that time 21), with no skills and no degree. I snooped through her purse the last time we saw her and found a food stamps card. So, she did apply for food stamps. But she says she was denied because we claimed her as a dependent on our taxes last year. She has to wait until we file our 2016 taxes. (Sounds crazy to me but I don't know anything about food stamps, welfare, WIC or other government programs.)
I love the manipulation. I haven't heard the lines you stated, Sue. She's got others.
"I can't concentrate because I haven't eaten today." "I need you to buy X so I can go on an interview." "I can't go to meetings because you won't buy me a car and you shut off Uber." "I got robbed." Earlier in the week, she tried emotional blackmail to try to get more money out of me than her weekly allowance. She said she was on the bus. When I asked where she was going, she said she was on the way to go panhandle. "To go what??", I asked. To go get some money, she responded. I had to swallow all my feelings!!! MY child is begging?? She's on the streets, walking up to strangers, asking for money??!! What happened to her pride, ego or self-worth? What's next? Selling her body???? I had to fight my inclination to fix it because there was a side of me that knew she was playing me, like big brass bass. That she was waiting for me to say, "Don't go. How much do you need? I'll send it right now." Instead I said, "That's nice. Be careful. Good luck!" I asked whether her boyfriend was with her and because he wasn't suggested that the next time they go together. It'll be safer that way, I explained and then changed the subject. Not the response she expected from me. She quickly got off the phone after that. I guess I, too, am toughening up.
Thank you for all of your thoughts and insights. I guess I don't feel guilty saying No to her coming to the party anymore. Now, I'm just sad, scared and impatient. It breaks my heart that she's not going to be with the family next weekend. It breaks my heart that she can't come home for a LONG time. It breaks my heart that I can't give to my child freely. That I won't help her meet her basic needs in a few weeks. That she may really have to resort to begging when she is cut off. She was raised in suburbia. Went to private and boarding schools. She uses proper English. She has no street skills. How will she survive?
How much longer is she going to live her life like this? She's been using heroin for about 2 years now (in high school it was pills and alcohol). Since she's been 15, she's been in/out of at least 7 rehabs. Her junior & senior years of high school and first semester at college she was clean and sober! And, she was successful. 3.5 GPA, RA, treasurer of her sorority, student ambassador, camp counselor, etc. I would think that she would want to have that level of success, feeling of accomplishment, and happiness again. Where she was doing positive things for herself and others, AND she was sober. Why can't she connect the dots?
Bless you Sue and others who I see on this site who have been battling addiction of a loved one for decades. You are true role models to me: you haven't given up, you haven't given in and you are encouraging others in spite of your own pain. I'm praying for all of you warriors. We've been on the rehab/IOP/sober living merry-go-round for 3 1/2 out of the last 6 years, and hot and heavy since January. You know what??!! I'm tired. I'm mentally, physically and emotionally whipped. I'm ready to give up. I'm ready to give in. And she's only 20!!!
I am surprised how long my son has lived like this! He always says he is starving. He begs for money all the time. I am used to it. He begs for food. He is good at it. i swear he missed his calling he could of been a great sales person.
I hurt so much and sometimes I think I need to see help. But my husband is great, it's not his son. But he has done so much to help him, help me help him. and to no avail! I can't reiterate enough that it's god will what will happen to them.
My son was also brought up in suburbs, had everything he wanted if he worked for it. Then at 15 I saw it coming, I tried everything. The counsellors were a joke, your son has a problem lets put him on a contract. REALLY? my son is a drug dealer and addict and you want to put him on contract. We also took him to jail to see what would happen. He did go to jail a few times and then serious time at 23, and it wasn't pretty.
You would think that would work, nope not even two weeks back drinking and drugs.
My biggest fear, is that he gets so high and gets so desperate that he would hurt someone. He has stolen from me/his nephews piggybank and his brother. Famous lines are I don't remember doing that.
It's sad that there is no serious help for them. That doesn't' cost a kidney. Drugs are a world wide problem. and it's getting worse with the new type of synthetic
drugs they are making very cheap.
I keep hoping that the lightbulb goes off and he cleans up and at least is self supporting. Not living off people. Using people and lying to get whatever he needs.
All I can say is stay the course, for your sake. Because in the end you will end up sick and who will be there for you. Definitely not your daughter nor my son.
XX
Love Sue
I hurt so much and sometimes I think I need to see help. But my husband is great, it's not his son. But he has done so much to help him, help me help him. and to no avail! I can't reiterate enough that it's god will what will happen to them.
My son was also brought up in suburbs, had everything he wanted if he worked for it. Then at 15 I saw it coming, I tried everything. The counsellors were a joke, your son has a problem lets put him on a contract. REALLY? my son is a drug dealer and addict and you want to put him on contract. We also took him to jail to see what would happen. He did go to jail a few times and then serious time at 23, and it wasn't pretty.
You would think that would work, nope not even two weeks back drinking and drugs.
My biggest fear, is that he gets so high and gets so desperate that he would hurt someone. He has stolen from me/his nephews piggybank and his brother. Famous lines are I don't remember doing that.
It's sad that there is no serious help for them. That doesn't' cost a kidney. Drugs are a world wide problem. and it's getting worse with the new type of synthetic
drugs they are making very cheap.
I keep hoping that the lightbulb goes off and he cleans up and at least is self supporting. Not living off people. Using people and lying to get whatever he needs.
All I can say is stay the course, for your sake. Because in the end you will end up sick and who will be there for you. Definitely not your daughter nor my son.
XX
Love Sue
Yes. . .I remember the contract when she was in juvie rehab. It was laughable then and it is laughable now. But they still use it. When her urine tests came up dirty during this rehab tour, they made her sign a behavior contract. Like that is going to change a dang thing. So far it has not. Her boyfriend says she is clean BUT has been doing things for money that really hurt him. And, he IS street-wise. I guess she is selling her body and hiding her use from him.
I guess I will never understand heroin and addiction. I just don't get it. Why can't they see: this is your life before heroin (you were working/going to school, happy, independent, etc) and this is your life after; which one is better?? Never in my wildest dreams could I have envisioned this path for her. I can't imagine a pain in the world that could be soothed by sticking a needle in my arm. I can't imagine how they rationalized stealing and selling all jewelry and valuables. (She, too, Sue, cops out by saying she can't remember when asked about this)
I can't imagine going to jail and not having that scare me straight. I can't imagine using my family & friends as my personal piggy bank to get high. Hitting an old lady in the head, or robbing 7-11, or something like that just to get high is not too far from some of the behavior she's exhibited. Anything is in the realm of possibilities when it comes to them getting their fix. It's like the addiction wipes out all common sense, morals, training, values, class, breeding, upbringing, reason. The addiction leaves a con artist, liar, master manipulator, & thief instead.
How much does "serious" help cost, Sue? I'd gladly give a kidney if it would make her stop and smell the coffee. I'm afraid to total our portion of the hospital/rehab/IOP bills. I started and got sick when I got to $10,000 and it was for services for 2 weeks. Between March and now, our out of pocket expense is probably $40 or 50,000.00.And we have insurance! Isn't that enough of an investment? Despite all the money, still she is out there doing God only knows what. Do they need to stay inpatient for 60 or 90 days? Do we have to hire a personal sobriety coach for them to stay sober?
I realize that all I can really do is pray. I've been going to church regularly now. I gave her to God this morning, asking Him to protect her; and asking Him to wake her up and then empower her to battle her demons. I also prayed for peace for me. I'm going to add you to my prayers Sue. I have no words to soothe your pain or strategies to make your son see the light. Just know that I understand how you feel and am praying for your strength, peace and comfort!
xx
Lynn
I guess I will never understand heroin and addiction. I just don't get it. Why can't they see: this is your life before heroin (you were working/going to school, happy, independent, etc) and this is your life after; which one is better?? Never in my wildest dreams could I have envisioned this path for her. I can't imagine a pain in the world that could be soothed by sticking a needle in my arm. I can't imagine how they rationalized stealing and selling all jewelry and valuables. (She, too, Sue, cops out by saying she can't remember when asked about this)
I can't imagine going to jail and not having that scare me straight. I can't imagine using my family & friends as my personal piggy bank to get high. Hitting an old lady in the head, or robbing 7-11, or something like that just to get high is not too far from some of the behavior she's exhibited. Anything is in the realm of possibilities when it comes to them getting their fix. It's like the addiction wipes out all common sense, morals, training, values, class, breeding, upbringing, reason. The addiction leaves a con artist, liar, master manipulator, & thief instead.
How much does "serious" help cost, Sue? I'd gladly give a kidney if it would make her stop and smell the coffee. I'm afraid to total our portion of the hospital/rehab/IOP bills. I started and got sick when I got to $10,000 and it was for services for 2 weeks. Between March and now, our out of pocket expense is probably $40 or 50,000.00.And we have insurance! Isn't that enough of an investment? Despite all the money, still she is out there doing God only knows what. Do they need to stay inpatient for 60 or 90 days? Do we have to hire a personal sobriety coach for them to stay sober?
I realize that all I can really do is pray. I've been going to church regularly now. I gave her to God this morning, asking Him to protect her; and asking Him to wake her up and then empower her to battle her demons. I also prayed for peace for me. I'm going to add you to my prayers Sue. I have no words to soothe your pain or strategies to make your son see the light. Just know that I understand how you feel and am praying for your strength, peace and comfort!
xx
Lynn
It is SO hard for a "normie" to GET addiction! I am an addict and I recently went with my daughter to a OA (over eaters anonymous ) meeting. They talked about taking food out of the garbage and off the ground. Stealing food from family, friends, stores. ....this sounds to ME absolutely crazy...and yet I would do the same damn thing If I substitute DRUGS for FOOD. It made me realize how my parents ect must have viewed MY addiction. It is SO hard to get your head around. I heard it explained this way once....You are underwater and can't come up for air. You KNOW that if you open your mouth to breathe your lungs will fill with water and you will die BUT very fiber of your being is saying BREATHE....even your BODY will have a mind of its own and try to breathe for you...its automatic. Our brains become very skewed while in the throes of addiction. Have you tried any Alanon meetings? THEY ARE A GAME CHANGER!
Hi I am new to the forum. I saw topics that are similar. So, I thought I would jump it. Maybe it will help someone or myself.
1. Letting the child come home. My son did not come home at christmas. We had the same situation. Didnt want to say no, but didnt want the chaos associated with having him. As you said - locking stuff up, car keys, wallets, cred cards. too much to keep track of. We dont want to live like that again. He basically spent christmas week homeless and in detox. Heartbreaking, but best for all of us. When we said If you come home there's No Car, No Friends, No Money, we will be at work, you can do chores for us and cook dinner. he decided not to come home.
As far as paying for them to travel, I would say only for an emergency. If they want to have fun, they need to save up $$ for the plane ticket.
2. Cost out of pocket. Detox $3000 for 10 days. Rehab $12K for 1st month, $6K 2nd month, $4K 3rd month. betw 2-3rd month he was working. 4th month paying his own rent.
3. now, 6 months total. He left HWHouse bc the rent was expensive, didnt like rules and curfew.
4. rents room in a house. cons - he left the support system, has no transportation.
5. Still tells me he is starving, that he does not make enough $. true that he does not make a lot of $ but it is just enough if he budgets correctly. which he appears to refuse to do. always broke, spends as soon as he gets his tips or check. is not able to see beyond a few days.
I tell him to master paying rent and eating. then focus on the next step.
6. eating - basically refuses to go to supermarket for food. or to cook. therefore must spend more $ on take out. his excuse for not being able to save.
7. victim - acts like its not his fault. its everyone else around him. victim of the situation.
8. refuses to use public transportation.
9. will not take care of basic problems, DMV, etc.
10. I have offered to pay for alternative medical care. He does not make an appointment.
11. I am done with his phone calls to say HI, but then tell me how hard it is, this isnt working, he's hungry. sometimes I do not answer the phone. He does not ask for $$ so we dont give.
12. though he has said many times that he would pay me back, he has never mailed even $20.
it is sad to see your child like this, but we cant do it for them. we have all tried. if more $$ would fix it, it would have been fixed. if they put as much effort in to being sober, as we have put into keeping them sober, they would be clean!
Its hard to be sympathic.
my husband and I are staying distant as far as giving $$. I think half of what he says are still lies. How can someone go to work 5-6 days a week, and not learn how to save up for rent when working for for last 3 months. he acts like someone else spent the $
At this point, he is not in hwhouse or rehab. He can drink or do whatever he wants. It would be detrimental if we give any $$ to help with anything. He has to make the choice to save his paycheck for the basic things he needs.
Its that thing inside the person that is missing - that drive to pay your own way.
I seems that a good year of being clean is a turning point.
1. Letting the child come home. My son did not come home at christmas. We had the same situation. Didnt want to say no, but didnt want the chaos associated with having him. As you said - locking stuff up, car keys, wallets, cred cards. too much to keep track of. We dont want to live like that again. He basically spent christmas week homeless and in detox. Heartbreaking, but best for all of us. When we said If you come home there's No Car, No Friends, No Money, we will be at work, you can do chores for us and cook dinner. he decided not to come home.
As far as paying for them to travel, I would say only for an emergency. If they want to have fun, they need to save up $$ for the plane ticket.
2. Cost out of pocket. Detox $3000 for 10 days. Rehab $12K for 1st month, $6K 2nd month, $4K 3rd month. betw 2-3rd month he was working. 4th month paying his own rent.
3. now, 6 months total. He left HWHouse bc the rent was expensive, didnt like rules and curfew.
4. rents room in a house. cons - he left the support system, has no transportation.
5. Still tells me he is starving, that he does not make enough $. true that he does not make a lot of $ but it is just enough if he budgets correctly. which he appears to refuse to do. always broke, spends as soon as he gets his tips or check. is not able to see beyond a few days.
I tell him to master paying rent and eating. then focus on the next step.
6. eating - basically refuses to go to supermarket for food. or to cook. therefore must spend more $ on take out. his excuse for not being able to save.
7. victim - acts like its not his fault. its everyone else around him. victim of the situation.
8. refuses to use public transportation.
9. will not take care of basic problems, DMV, etc.
10. I have offered to pay for alternative medical care. He does not make an appointment.
11. I am done with his phone calls to say HI, but then tell me how hard it is, this isnt working, he's hungry. sometimes I do not answer the phone. He does not ask for $$ so we dont give.
12. though he has said many times that he would pay me back, he has never mailed even $20.
it is sad to see your child like this, but we cant do it for them. we have all tried. if more $$ would fix it, it would have been fixed. if they put as much effort in to being sober, as we have put into keeping them sober, they would be clean!
Its hard to be sympathic.
my husband and I are staying distant as far as giving $$. I think half of what he says are still lies. How can someone go to work 5-6 days a week, and not learn how to save up for rent when working for for last 3 months. he acts like someone else spent the $
At this point, he is not in hwhouse or rehab. He can drink or do whatever he wants. It would be detrimental if we give any $$ to help with anything. He has to make the choice to save his paycheck for the basic things he needs.
Its that thing inside the person that is missing - that drive to pay your own way.
I seems that a good year of being clean is a turning point.
PS - Rehab and Insurance.. I believe rehab will accept the insurance payments and not ask you to pay out of pocket. we have insurance statements still coming from a year ago. I have not paid anything after the insurance company pays. this was for 45 days of rehab last year 2015.
my son relapsed after leaving the HWhouse.
in my previous post I spoke of out of pocket expense - this was without insurance, this year 2016.
same son, different rehab.
conclusion: let insurance pay, do not pay the remaining costs unless the rehab bills you. Even then, it is optional if your child is over 18? it is really their bill, not yours.
if there is no insurance, then you will sign a contract and agree to pay out of pocket.
my son relapsed after leaving the HWhouse.
in my previous post I spoke of out of pocket expense - this was without insurance, this year 2016.
same son, different rehab.
conclusion: let insurance pay, do not pay the remaining costs unless the rehab bills you. Even then, it is optional if your child is over 18? it is really their bill, not yours.
if there is no insurance, then you will sign a contract and agree to pay out of pocket.
No Jen, I have not tried any meetings for me. I see a therapist. There is something about going to a public forum and looking into the eyes of strangers that terrifies me. I'm much more comfortable typing my thoughts and feelings than speaking them.
Ok. . .I sent the text telling her she can't come to the party & why yesterday morning. (Thanks Jen, I did use your words.) I didn't get any response for a couple of hours. Then I got a text. Need money to go on an interview. I just sent money (via a gift card) on Friday! Her boyfriend says she broke somebody's iPad and needed to replace it; so she gave the gift card to them. I kindly texted back No and told her she would get more money on Friday, her regular allowance day. Then, she went dialing for dollars. She called her dad and gave him the same interview story; he said No. She called her godfather who called me. She told her godfather she hasn't eaten in two days. Whatever story is true, the fact of the matter is she doesn't have any money and no food. And. . .She never said boo about my text.
She called me a zillion times yesterday. Before that I hadn't talked to her in about 5 days. . . and I called her every day. I didn't answer any of the calls because I knew what she was going to say and I didn't want to test my new found strength. Her godfather begged me to pick up the phone and says she needs her mom. So dumb me answers her next call.
She doesn't even ask me how I am. Or say anything about the text re my dad's party. She just tells me she needs money, she's penniless. When I asked why. She owed a dealer money and rather than get hurt, she gave the dealer the gift card. Her bus pass expired. There's no food in the fridge. What about your man, I ask. He gave his last $60 to his kidS. (Didn't know he had 1 child; no less multiple and the boy is 24.) I'm good through this. I'm sticking to what I said: no matter what the sob story is, she only gets allowance on Fridays.
I ask if she received my text re her grandpa's party. She said No. What? It is right before her text asking for money for the interview! Scroll up right now while we are talking. In the text, I offered to visit her later in July or around Labor Day, her choice. I asked which she preferred. No answer to MY question. Ok. . .I'm angry and hurt and confused. But she's clearly being selfish and self-centered and immature. I'm telling myself to be strong, remember the boundaries I set, and just say No.
I ask her how she can ask me to do anything when she hasn't called in days just to say Hi. I ask her how she can overlook my text and FB inbox, but she can type a text asking for money. How she cannot answer my calls (on a phone I pay for) for days but feels free to call me, not once or twice or even three times. She blew up my phone. I got no answers but a promise to do better going forward. I'm still strong in my conviction even though I'm worried if I don't give her the money, will she go out and sell her body instead? If i don't give her the money, will this be the trigger that causes her to relapse (again)? But, my mouth is still saying No even tho my heart is breaking.
So, she asked to put her dad on speaker phone so all 3 of us could chat. She apologized for relapsing, said she is clean now, paid off her last drug debt but needed money for food and bus fare. She said she has interviews lined up, at least one a day, but can't get there. He accepted her apology and the next thing I knew we agreed to send emergency money one last time.
I am soooo angry. Angry at her godfather for encouraging me to take her call in the first place. I was better off NOT answering the phone. But he made me feel like a monster for ignoring my child. I'm angry at me. For answering the phone, for entertaining her nonsense, for giving in and for saying Yes. I'm angry that the image of her selling her body was more repugnant than the fact that I am enabling. (I haven't had the balls to tell her dad that she's ho-ing.) So much for my new found strength and determination.
I'm really spent. Learning that your daughter can now add prostitute to her resume of addict, liar, thief, and manipulator is a lot. And most of the relatives coming to the party do not know she has an addiction; they just know she's taken a break from college. I've got to be chipper and happy and be personable for my dad's party in a few days. I'm also doing the cooking for about 30. But what I really want to do now is find a BIG hole, crawl in it and pull a rock over it.
Ok. . .I sent the text telling her she can't come to the party & why yesterday morning. (Thanks Jen, I did use your words.) I didn't get any response for a couple of hours. Then I got a text. Need money to go on an interview. I just sent money (via a gift card) on Friday! Her boyfriend says she broke somebody's iPad and needed to replace it; so she gave the gift card to them. I kindly texted back No and told her she would get more money on Friday, her regular allowance day. Then, she went dialing for dollars. She called her dad and gave him the same interview story; he said No. She called her godfather who called me. She told her godfather she hasn't eaten in two days. Whatever story is true, the fact of the matter is she doesn't have any money and no food. And. . .She never said boo about my text.
She called me a zillion times yesterday. Before that I hadn't talked to her in about 5 days. . . and I called her every day. I didn't answer any of the calls because I knew what she was going to say and I didn't want to test my new found strength. Her godfather begged me to pick up the phone and says she needs her mom. So dumb me answers her next call.
She doesn't even ask me how I am. Or say anything about the text re my dad's party. She just tells me she needs money, she's penniless. When I asked why. She owed a dealer money and rather than get hurt, she gave the dealer the gift card. Her bus pass expired. There's no food in the fridge. What about your man, I ask. He gave his last $60 to his kidS. (Didn't know he had 1 child; no less multiple and the boy is 24.) I'm good through this. I'm sticking to what I said: no matter what the sob story is, she only gets allowance on Fridays.
I ask if she received my text re her grandpa's party. She said No. What? It is right before her text asking for money for the interview! Scroll up right now while we are talking. In the text, I offered to visit her later in July or around Labor Day, her choice. I asked which she preferred. No answer to MY question. Ok. . .I'm angry and hurt and confused. But she's clearly being selfish and self-centered and immature. I'm telling myself to be strong, remember the boundaries I set, and just say No.
I ask her how she can ask me to do anything when she hasn't called in days just to say Hi. I ask her how she can overlook my text and FB inbox, but she can type a text asking for money. How she cannot answer my calls (on a phone I pay for) for days but feels free to call me, not once or twice or even three times. She blew up my phone. I got no answers but a promise to do better going forward. I'm still strong in my conviction even though I'm worried if I don't give her the money, will she go out and sell her body instead? If i don't give her the money, will this be the trigger that causes her to relapse (again)? But, my mouth is still saying No even tho my heart is breaking.
So, she asked to put her dad on speaker phone so all 3 of us could chat. She apologized for relapsing, said she is clean now, paid off her last drug debt but needed money for food and bus fare. She said she has interviews lined up, at least one a day, but can't get there. He accepted her apology and the next thing I knew we agreed to send emergency money one last time.
I am soooo angry. Angry at her godfather for encouraging me to take her call in the first place. I was better off NOT answering the phone. But he made me feel like a monster for ignoring my child. I'm angry at me. For answering the phone, for entertaining her nonsense, for giving in and for saying Yes. I'm angry that the image of her selling her body was more repugnant than the fact that I am enabling. (I haven't had the balls to tell her dad that she's ho-ing.) So much for my new found strength and determination.
I'm really spent. Learning that your daughter can now add prostitute to her resume of addict, liar, thief, and manipulator is a lot. And most of the relatives coming to the party do not know she has an addiction; they just know she's taken a break from college. I've got to be chipper and happy and be personable for my dad's party in a few days. I'm also doing the cooking for about 30. But what I really want to do now is find a BIG hole, crawl in it and pull a rock over it.
I know its hard....I REALLY TRULY KNOW! BUT addiction is a family disease..YOU also need treatment of some sort. You can't very well tell your daughter to "get her s*** together" and then not do the same yourself. You expect your daughter to attend meetings and its JUST as hard for HER , if not harder, to go into a room of strangers and talk about her behavior. As a co-dependent, do you realize that what you did last night was RELAPSE? You are enabling her to KEEP USING. I promise you that you will like the meetings and likely come to LOVE them. The rule is to give a meeting 3 chances and then try another. I pray that you keep a open mind and consider going.
your girl is good... definitely knows how to slide...Jen is right...go to a meeting where there are other family members you can talk to face to face...the board is good....and therapists are fine...but there is nothing like another addict or co-dependent to help you see where you are...
Hurtingmom,
Don't feel too bad about your relapse in enabling. I did the same thing without even realizing I'd done it! I agreed to lend my other AD money to pay her rent...again. It keeps snowballing & she never catches up. Not making enough money. Told her today to get a second job &/or ask for more hours at work. BUT! Had to tell ya....It's easy to fall back into that routine, I know.. Forgive yourself. You can be stronger next time. :)
I'd wanna hit her godfather over the head! Maybe it's time to let it 'leak' to some family members what you're going through. Like the godfather, some may be well meaning, but when all's said & done, you're left holding the bag wondering what just happened! Man! I know that one!
My guess there are enough relatives wondering, that they're figuring a lot out for themselves. I finally told me whole family, dad, brothers, uncles, cousins....Truth is, I/we need their prayers & support. Keeping things quiet isolated me.
She enjoys her isolation, hell she prefers it! Yet, I understand the sense of shame we unfairly label ourselves with. When in fact we're the ones that try the hardest to make things good for everyone.
I'm glad your daughter isn't coming home for your dad's birthday party. Grateful for you, for that. Too bad you worried about telling her she couldn't come home. You worried over that needlessly. I'm glad for you, that she made that easy on ya at least.
She's got a story for everything under the rainbow, like my daughter. They could write stories, I bet. Don't fall for it. They switch tactics & stories when they know something's not working for them, always getting them the money/the drugs.
My kid ignores MY issues too. It doesn't matter unless it involves her. Don't feel alone in that one. You're not. She doesn't call & now I don't either. We quit paying for her phone & hubby changed the password on it. She has no phone now. That drove her crazy. Not my goal, but she deserved some irritation. She is only too happy to let us spin our wheels.
One thing you know, she manages. She's stayed afloat in another state, basically on her own. So, at least there's that. The possible prostitution is a really an awful thing to imagine. I hope she isn't. I'm SO sorry. ((hugs))
Take a day off for you, if you can. The party & cooking are coming up fast & you'll want to feel better for it if at all possible.
I don't think I'd wanna climb out of a nice dark hiding pot myself. Stay strong. You're in my prayers, sweets~.
love & God bless you,
Dee
Don't feel too bad about your relapse in enabling. I did the same thing without even realizing I'd done it! I agreed to lend my other AD money to pay her rent...again. It keeps snowballing & she never catches up. Not making enough money. Told her today to get a second job &/or ask for more hours at work. BUT! Had to tell ya....It's easy to fall back into that routine, I know.. Forgive yourself. You can be stronger next time. :)
I'd wanna hit her godfather over the head! Maybe it's time to let it 'leak' to some family members what you're going through. Like the godfather, some may be well meaning, but when all's said & done, you're left holding the bag wondering what just happened! Man! I know that one!
My guess there are enough relatives wondering, that they're figuring a lot out for themselves. I finally told me whole family, dad, brothers, uncles, cousins....Truth is, I/we need their prayers & support. Keeping things quiet isolated me.
She enjoys her isolation, hell she prefers it! Yet, I understand the sense of shame we unfairly label ourselves with. When in fact we're the ones that try the hardest to make things good for everyone.
I'm glad your daughter isn't coming home for your dad's birthday party. Grateful for you, for that. Too bad you worried about telling her she couldn't come home. You worried over that needlessly. I'm glad for you, that she made that easy on ya at least.
She's got a story for everything under the rainbow, like my daughter. They could write stories, I bet. Don't fall for it. They switch tactics & stories when they know something's not working for them, always getting them the money/the drugs.
My kid ignores MY issues too. It doesn't matter unless it involves her. Don't feel alone in that one. You're not. She doesn't call & now I don't either. We quit paying for her phone & hubby changed the password on it. She has no phone now. That drove her crazy. Not my goal, but she deserved some irritation. She is only too happy to let us spin our wheels.
One thing you know, she manages. She's stayed afloat in another state, basically on her own. So, at least there's that. The possible prostitution is a really an awful thing to imagine. I hope she isn't. I'm SO sorry. ((hugs))
Take a day off for you, if you can. The party & cooking are coming up fast & you'll want to feel better for it if at all possible.
I don't think I'd wanna climb out of a nice dark hiding pot myself. Stay strong. You're in my prayers, sweets~.
love & God bless you,
Dee
YES, I RELAPSED!! YES I ENABLED!!! It's soooo hard not to give your child money when they say they haven't eaten in days. It's soooo hard to resist their compelling, heart-wrenching stories. Dee, your daughter knows your weakness is that you feel a need to provide her shelter. My daughter knows I'll feed any and everyone. They know what buttons to push.
The bad thing is that my immediate family -- father, sister, aunt and my daughter's godfather --KNOW what time it is. They know why she's out of state, that she's in rehab, what she stole, her drug of choice, etc. I haven't kept up appearances with them. Besides, I knew if hubby and I said No, she would go running to them first. So, I had to warn them before they were unwittingly sucked in to her madness.
I may just hit her godfather over the head when I see him at the party. HE KNOWS. And, he has known since January. But I guess there is a big difference between having cerebral knowledge of her addiction vs living with it 24/7/365. As far as my dad & her godfather are concerned, I'm not doing enough to save her, to get her on the right path, to motivate her; I should be guiding her, prodding her, leading her or helping her in some way that I'm not; since I'm not doing anything, to hear them tell, I'm abandoning her in FL.
I needed that hug, Dee. Thanks. I'm sending a bigger one back at you! I did take today off from work. I'm glad that I did as clearly I'm not sleeping well. I am feeling guilty for crumbling. But you're right Dee, as sure as s**t, there will be a next time. And, I can try to be strong, maintain the boundaries, and not enable again then.
I'm even thinking of going to a meeting, Jen & Constantine. But I've been so mentally, physically and emotionally tuckered out by the time I get home from work, I don't have the strength or energy to go. And I don't see myself opening up and sharing there, like I do here. But I'm meditating on going.
I guess I'm not sleeping bc I'm worried about this party. Let's not forget that I'm going to miss not having my only child there. This is the first happy occasion that she will not be there for.
Yes, I know I need to say something before speculation and gossip start. I guess I'm angsting over that too. What do I tell the cousins, nieces, nephews, friends at the party about her absence? I've gotten mighty good at telling folks who ask that she's taken a "hiatus" from college and she's in FL. I've only had one person ask another question after I say this. And then he asked if I sent her down south because she was pregnant. (In some senses, I wish that was her problem.)
Seriously, someone at the party says, "Where's Sally (not her real name)?" I don't see me saying, "Oh, Sally is in drug rehab in FL. How are your kids?" Likewise, I don't see this rolling off of my tongue: "Sally is getting her life together in FL. She's a casualty of the heroin epidemic. Would you like a deviled egg?"
Oh. . .one more thing. I was wrong about her using. She is clean of heroin!! I spoke with her therapist last night. The therapist said that her drug tests show no heroin use for the last 2 weeks, but she is now smoking weed. Hallelujah!!! I know she's supposed to be 100% off of all illegal drugs, but I'll take weed over heroin any day of the week. Any old way, she's "clean" but her story-telling, emotional blackmailing, manipulative, complacent behavior continues. I have a question. How long does she have to be clean before the addict-like behavior stops? Or will it ever stop?
Peace & blessings to all who are fighting this horrible battle with a loved one,
Lynn
The bad thing is that my immediate family -- father, sister, aunt and my daughter's godfather --KNOW what time it is. They know why she's out of state, that she's in rehab, what she stole, her drug of choice, etc. I haven't kept up appearances with them. Besides, I knew if hubby and I said No, she would go running to them first. So, I had to warn them before they were unwittingly sucked in to her madness.
I may just hit her godfather over the head when I see him at the party. HE KNOWS. And, he has known since January. But I guess there is a big difference between having cerebral knowledge of her addiction vs living with it 24/7/365. As far as my dad & her godfather are concerned, I'm not doing enough to save her, to get her on the right path, to motivate her; I should be guiding her, prodding her, leading her or helping her in some way that I'm not; since I'm not doing anything, to hear them tell, I'm abandoning her in FL.
I needed that hug, Dee. Thanks. I'm sending a bigger one back at you! I did take today off from work. I'm glad that I did as clearly I'm not sleeping well. I am feeling guilty for crumbling. But you're right Dee, as sure as s**t, there will be a next time. And, I can try to be strong, maintain the boundaries, and not enable again then.
I'm even thinking of going to a meeting, Jen & Constantine. But I've been so mentally, physically and emotionally tuckered out by the time I get home from work, I don't have the strength or energy to go. And I don't see myself opening up and sharing there, like I do here. But I'm meditating on going.
I guess I'm not sleeping bc I'm worried about this party. Let's not forget that I'm going to miss not having my only child there. This is the first happy occasion that she will not be there for.
Yes, I know I need to say something before speculation and gossip start. I guess I'm angsting over that too. What do I tell the cousins, nieces, nephews, friends at the party about her absence? I've gotten mighty good at telling folks who ask that she's taken a "hiatus" from college and she's in FL. I've only had one person ask another question after I say this. And then he asked if I sent her down south because she was pregnant. (In some senses, I wish that was her problem.)
Seriously, someone at the party says, "Where's Sally (not her real name)?" I don't see me saying, "Oh, Sally is in drug rehab in FL. How are your kids?" Likewise, I don't see this rolling off of my tongue: "Sally is getting her life together in FL. She's a casualty of the heroin epidemic. Would you like a deviled egg?"
Oh. . .one more thing. I was wrong about her using. She is clean of heroin!! I spoke with her therapist last night. The therapist said that her drug tests show no heroin use for the last 2 weeks, but she is now smoking weed. Hallelujah!!! I know she's supposed to be 100% off of all illegal drugs, but I'll take weed over heroin any day of the week. Any old way, she's "clean" but her story-telling, emotional blackmailing, manipulative, complacent behavior continues. I have a question. How long does she have to be clean before the addict-like behavior stops? Or will it ever stop?
Peace & blessings to all who are fighting this horrible battle with a loved one,
Lynn
