I dunno what's wrong with me. My head seems totally wrecked. I never see it coming, that's what always surprises the hell out of me, when I go a bit AWOL mentally. Yeah, I notice that I'm anxious, I notice that things don't seem to go going too well, I ain't feeling so happy. But I genuinely believe it's the rest of the world that's got the problem, and I'm the only sane one in it. After years of experience, I've realised that sometimes it's me with the problem, and if you look at the evidence, it's hard to refute.
I get so over emotional, my thoughts are so extreme, never finding a middle ground. Either all black or all white, and what's black one day could quite easily be white the next. And I get this pain inside, that I can't deal with. I seriously considered scoring the other night. I mean, I actually sat down and plotted it, it would have been easy. But I never went through with it, thank god. I just felt so desperate, even feeling suicidal. I got this gorgeous baby, and I'm feeling suicidal, and thinking about scoring. What the hell is wrong with me?
I feel I just can't deal with any emotion. I got no rational response. I feel totally haywire. The stupidest things hurt so much. I feel like the princess with an emotional pea!! Or should that be the other way round? But you get the picture, the lightest touch leaves bruises. And given that my boyfriend has about as much tact and empathy as a brick, the heavy handed approach that he's always had is leaving me feeling mentally battered. God, I've even started making excuses not to go out, I just don't feel I can handle it. I'd rather stay in the house. That's not me, not like me at all.
The thoughts of scoring, it wasn't physically craving the drug, it was just that I know that heroin would take all the pain away, if only temporarily. It would just give me a way to escape. I guess most folks live their lives, accepting the blows that life deals them, because they have to, they have no choice. But when you've been a heroin addict, you know that there's something that will make you feel better, it don't matter how bad you feel, heroin will make you feel better, and that's a hard thing to live with.
Anyway, I gotta check in on my baby girl (she can say "hiya" now, she's up on her feet and starting to stand unassisted, and she's got 7 teeth - not even 9 months old yet!) - she's having a nap upstairs...
love
Diff x
Diff ....with ya on the madness front....still unemployed which is wrecking my head as ive always had a job of some sort.....having bad mental probs.....which have resurfaces from days of old now im on Zispin and Zyprexa but said no to the benzos offered i.e 20mg of valium and 1mg royphonal....as i know im a pig for the benzos and would eat them like sweets.
I cant relate to yer abusive b/f only in a negative way which you have heard from me before....i.e dump him......up to you girl....but hope it works out coz you know its integral with yer unhappiness.Sorry for the moan but Diff i think i truley feel how you are thinking.....take care Miss..........lotsa love and good karma going over the Irish sea to you my dearest...............Davey
I cant relate to yer abusive b/f only in a negative way which you have heard from me before....i.e dump him......up to you girl....but hope it works out coz you know its integral with yer unhappiness.Sorry for the moan but Diff i think i truley feel how you are thinking.....take care Miss..........lotsa love and good karma going over the Irish sea to you my dearest...............Davey
Hi Davey, I'm with you on the meds. They started me on zyprexa and zispin years ago, then I graduated to risperidone, and finally Seroquel. I've been on zispin and seroquel for about 2 and a half years now. Maybe I should go back and see my psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder about 5 years ago. It's been pretty much under control, but I think I'm having some sort of relapse. I think developing self awareness is half the battle though. Or maybe I'm just kidding myself...
love
diff xxx
love
diff xxx
Diff: i'm sorry to hear this but, i know where your coming from. Whenever i fight with Rob or he gets snippy with me i wanna RUN to go score i feel all desperate and ready to take off anywhere but, here.
I personally think the extra demand of kids makes it worse when you can hardly deal with yourself here you got someone else who needs love clothes food attention. I recently got some some extra money by way of christmas bonus at work i wanted to go buy a 1/2 gram with it. THOUGHT of doing it plotted it out ...then i never did it.
I have got that feeling i wanted to end life in the past but, recently it's just been i wanna excape it by numbing my brain not end life just dull it down.
I wish i had some wonderful answer for you i feel your pain. Don't go this alone by all means seek out help and keep posting here...it is all one day at a time. Rob never hits me but, he has a very heavy handed approach mentally he is pretty nasty sometimes..or maybe it's me lol.
Heroin is the great excape and the great Destroyer
I personally think the extra demand of kids makes it worse when you can hardly deal with yourself here you got someone else who needs love clothes food attention. I recently got some some extra money by way of christmas bonus at work i wanted to go buy a 1/2 gram with it. THOUGHT of doing it plotted it out ...then i never did it.
I have got that feeling i wanted to end life in the past but, recently it's just been i wanna excape it by numbing my brain not end life just dull it down.
I wish i had some wonderful answer for you i feel your pain. Don't go this alone by all means seek out help and keep posting here...it is all one day at a time. Rob never hits me but, he has a very heavy handed approach mentally he is pretty nasty sometimes..or maybe it's me lol.
Heroin is the great excape and the great Destroyer
I relate to the posts here. Diff, please go see someone about this. I am bipolar and the way you write your feelings about everything being black or white, being up or down...girl, that's me. I take 150mg of Cymbalta and 300mg of Seroquel and right now this is a good combination for me. Notice I said right now. I was diagnosed back when I was 26, I'm 49 now. I've been on bipolar meds most of that time since. From my experience, I can tell you that my meds change, start being ineffective, I get those ugly mood swings again. It takes some time, sometimes over a year, to find that right combination of meds. It works with plain old depression too...the AD's stop being as effective, your brain chemicals change as you age, and you have to go back to square one and find something else that works. I think it's a fact of life for people with chemical imbalances. Zerogirl, you too honey, might want to go see someone who deals with this. I used a calendar to chart my moods for over 6 months. Even when they changed throughout the day. You may want to try this to help your dr with a diagnosis. I think there is a website for Bipolar that has a downloadable calender.
I know that the use of chemicals interfered with the way my meds worked. I've been clean for over 2 years and I am still changing. I just had to change meds about 8 months ago. Took a while and a dosage adjustment on the Cymbalta and right now I am doing better. I am in the holiday spirit...doing things around the house, decorating, matter of fact I'm going to do some holiday baking today in 80 degree heat and humidity...don't worry though, the AC is on. Hopefully this coming week it will get colder again. I live in north Louisiana and we have these freaking temperature swings...dang last week I was building a fire.
Anyway, I am not advocating the use of the medications other than for their intended purpose, by a proper dosage and in the care of a psychiatrist or physican. Please don't misconstrue this post as an advertisement for using these medications...okay, that's my disclaimer. Just wanted to reach out and share my long experience with having a chemical imbalance.
Hope you all feel better soon.
edited to add: I agree, the demands of parenthood and being in relationships definately relate to your state of mind. Try to get a little "you" time, even if it's finally sitting down after you get the kids in bed. Leave the dishes for another 30 minutes, they will wait...I've lived quite a while with kids. I have a 28 y/o, 21 and 12 year old, so it seems like I'll never be able to just relax. I also have an almost 3 y/o (monster) grandson and a 6 month old granddaughter, who unfortunately don't see, but I do have the grandson over for the weekends occasionally...makes me glad that I have my youngest son and he can help out and is independent. But it took a long time to get here. Enjoy your babies because too soon they are leaving the nest and making mistakes that drive you nuts, but you can't do anything but try to tell them how to go through it.
I know that the use of chemicals interfered with the way my meds worked. I've been clean for over 2 years and I am still changing. I just had to change meds about 8 months ago. Took a while and a dosage adjustment on the Cymbalta and right now I am doing better. I am in the holiday spirit...doing things around the house, decorating, matter of fact I'm going to do some holiday baking today in 80 degree heat and humidity...don't worry though, the AC is on. Hopefully this coming week it will get colder again. I live in north Louisiana and we have these freaking temperature swings...dang last week I was building a fire.
Anyway, I am not advocating the use of the medications other than for their intended purpose, by a proper dosage and in the care of a psychiatrist or physican. Please don't misconstrue this post as an advertisement for using these medications...okay, that's my disclaimer. Just wanted to reach out and share my long experience with having a chemical imbalance.
Hope you all feel better soon.
edited to add: I agree, the demands of parenthood and being in relationships definately relate to your state of mind. Try to get a little "you" time, even if it's finally sitting down after you get the kids in bed. Leave the dishes for another 30 minutes, they will wait...I've lived quite a while with kids. I have a 28 y/o, 21 and 12 year old, so it seems like I'll never be able to just relax. I also have an almost 3 y/o (monster) grandson and a 6 month old granddaughter, who unfortunately don't see, but I do have the grandson over for the weekends occasionally...makes me glad that I have my youngest son and he can help out and is independent. But it took a long time to get here. Enjoy your babies because too soon they are leaving the nest and making mistakes that drive you nuts, but you can't do anything but try to tell them how to go through it.
You're right zg, it's not about wanting to die, it's more about not wanting to live, wanting to escape the here and now, coz sometimes I feel like I just can't deal with it. And as for kids, they need so much care and love, and you can't just walk out the house to clear your head. You HAVE to be there. But it's that inability to be spontaneous that probably saves me from relapsing. I had the perfect opportunity to score this week. Had to go the dentist, coz I had raging toothache, and my dentist is about 25 miles away, but only about 3 miles from the only dealer who I'm still friends with. Who coincidently rang me last week to tell me his girlfriend had had a baby. So it would have been the easiest thing in the world to call in on him. But I didn't do it. So perhaps I'm stronger than I thought.
Anyway, baby needs bath, and the dog needs walking, so gotta go...
love
Diff xxx
Anyway, baby needs bath, and the dog needs walking, so gotta go...
love
Diff xxx
I've felt that too, not wanting to go on, cause damn, you're so tired....so much on your plate.
I think it's great that you 2 girls relate so well to each other, I hope that you email.
Okay, now I think it's time for a dose of some Bryn-wisdom. Where is our girl? I hope nothing is going on with her mom or her daughter, but I would imagine that either that or real life is going on. Miss ya Bryn!
I think it's great that you 2 girls relate so well to each other, I hope that you email.
Okay, now I think it's time for a dose of some Bryn-wisdom. Where is our girl? I hope nothing is going on with her mom or her daughter, but I would imagine that either that or real life is going on. Miss ya Bryn!
Hi Diff~
I'm with Bumps, def sounds a lot like BPD, as do many of your descriptions of events and feelings that I've read here. Dual diagnosis is so typical in addicts, whether they be in recovery or active addiction - self-medicating and all. Hope this post finds you feeling somewhat better and Rowena sparkling like the little star she is.
Peace~MomNMore
I'm with Bumps, def sounds a lot like BPD, as do many of your descriptions of events and feelings that I've read here. Dual diagnosis is so typical in addicts, whether they be in recovery or active addiction - self-medicating and all. Hope this post finds you feeling somewhat better and Rowena sparkling like the little star she is.
Peace~MomNMore
Diff
I hate unsettling news from you. You pretty much are one of the ones that keeps me grounded here.
Maybe its a touch of your Bipolar ,or I hear about this postpartum depression that is a common thing for awhile after the baby is actually born.- - & - -
We all know that there are times you put up with way to much nonsense from that guy your with. ( sorry if your thinking- what the fuc?Jack! you don't even know how good he can be)
If you thought of scoring & didn't that sounds like you thought about it long enough to weigh it out. The experience I have with people who have been clean, suddenly entertaining thoughts of getting high is that they go for it because its spontaneous- no thinking it out, they just focus on it & go for it.
I think the fact that you didnt just spontaneously act on a feeling you knew wasnt right makes a big difference
You have plenty going on to keep busy, maybe another trip to the doctor to discuss your recent thoughts- times have changed for you & maybe you need a good outlet to discuss- Get the ol mental lined up with the physical & spiritual.
just some thoughts,
love&respect
jack
I hate unsettling news from you. You pretty much are one of the ones that keeps me grounded here.
Maybe its a touch of your Bipolar ,or I hear about this postpartum depression that is a common thing for awhile after the baby is actually born.- - & - -
We all know that there are times you put up with way to much nonsense from that guy your with. ( sorry if your thinking- what the fuc?Jack! you don't even know how good he can be)
If you thought of scoring & didn't that sounds like you thought about it long enough to weigh it out. The experience I have with people who have been clean, suddenly entertaining thoughts of getting high is that they go for it because its spontaneous- no thinking it out, they just focus on it & go for it.
I think the fact that you didnt just spontaneously act on a feeling you knew wasnt right makes a big difference
You have plenty going on to keep busy, maybe another trip to the doctor to discuss your recent thoughts- times have changed for you & maybe you need a good outlet to discuss- Get the ol mental lined up with the physical & spiritual.
just some thoughts,
love&respect
jack
I don't think I'm bi-polar. I'm a pretty classic Borderline, and that explains most of what I'm going through. I think I'd be unwilling to change from Seroquel to another anti-psychotic. I've been on everything from chlorpromazine, zyprexa, risperidone and it took years to find one that suited me. And to be realistic, it doesn't matter what mt dx is coz the treatment is pretty much the same. But maybe my dosage needs adjusting. But again, I don't like taking these drugs in the first place, so I'd probably resist having my dosage upped too. I'm only on 300mgs of seroquel and 30mgs of zispin, so I know there's room for adjustment, I'm feeling a bit better now anyway. It's a lovely fresh bright day. The grass is emerald green, the sky topaz, and the sea sapphire, and the mountains are amythyst. It's hard to be down when it's like that, especially after all the grey rainy days we've had.
Thanks for being there for me...
love
Diff xxx
Thanks for being there for me...
love
Diff xxx
Diff, I love the way you write.............the imagery is marvelous.
PLEASE, don't just shutter yourself in the house.........tell me to F off, but I'm doing that and it's just not good...........makes things worse.
Hope you're feeling better.............remember that song "Mama said there'd be days like this, Mama said"............the song ends, and quickly turns to a disco number the likes of even you'd have to dance to.
My Bryn-wisdom is "Take Omega 3 fish oil".......can't hurt, but if it helps there ya go......pretty sure it's alright to take with your meds.
"HIYA"............oh man that made me smile............"HIYA"........like mother like daughter.........next the baby will be saying Tattybyes..........we don't know what we'd do without ya, Diff...........so yeah I'm selfish..............I need you!
PLEASE, don't just shutter yourself in the house.........tell me to F off, but I'm doing that and it's just not good...........makes things worse.
Hope you're feeling better.............remember that song "Mama said there'd be days like this, Mama said"............the song ends, and quickly turns to a disco number the likes of even you'd have to dance to.
My Bryn-wisdom is "Take Omega 3 fish oil".......can't hurt, but if it helps there ya go......pretty sure it's alright to take with your meds.
"HIYA"............oh man that made me smile............"HIYA"........like mother like daughter.........next the baby will be saying Tattybyes..........we don't know what we'd do without ya, Diff...........so yeah I'm selfish..............I need you!
Diff
Bryn took the words out of my mouth - I mostly post on the alcohol board but I sometimes read this one partly because I love the fellowship on this board and partly because I love the way you write. I seek out your posts.
I am a voracious reader Diff and I gotta tell you - you have a gift with words.
Maybe when you get this way you could ease it for yourself by writing, writing stories, short ones to start with until you build confidence. Write about what you know, what you feel, life as you see it. You are obviously highly intelligent, I hope you are able to see this yourself - because it is very apparent from the way you write.
Anyway I can't comment too much on what you're going through my love affair has always been with alcohol. I have much respect for what you've acheived thus far.
Keep writing it out Diff, and take care of you.
Idgie
Bryn took the words out of my mouth - I mostly post on the alcohol board but I sometimes read this one partly because I love the fellowship on this board and partly because I love the way you write. I seek out your posts.
I am a voracious reader Diff and I gotta tell you - you have a gift with words.
Maybe when you get this way you could ease it for yourself by writing, writing stories, short ones to start with until you build confidence. Write about what you know, what you feel, life as you see it. You are obviously highly intelligent, I hope you are able to see this yourself - because it is very apparent from the way you write.
Anyway I can't comment too much on what you're going through my love affair has always been with alcohol. I have much respect for what you've acheived thus far.
Keep writing it out Diff, and take care of you.
Idgie
Thank you guys, for biggin' me up. Sometimes we all need to be adored... I wish I could show you guys the view I have when I walk literally 50 yards from my house. It's high up on a hill... you can see all the way across to the other side of the Gower Peninsula... It was the first place in the UK to be declared a site of outstanding natural beauty. I'm standing at the top of the hill, and there's this patch of sort of parkland sweeping down beneath me. It's just grass really, and when the sun catches it on one of those fiercesly bright cold winter days, it seems almost neon, the truest green you ever saw. And then there's an old housing estate, it's actually a really rough place, but it's tucked into a dip, very low lying land, called the Morfa, which means marsh in Welsh. So all you see is the chapel spires, and the old kiln chimneys, black against the horizon in the afternoons. There must be 10 chapels down there! And beyond that, the wide estuary, the sea. The hills on the other side of the estuary. When the sun sets on them, they fire up violet and gold. It is the most beautiful thing you ever saw, and it always makes me feel blessed, as if God painted that picture just for me. And then I know how lucky I am, really, in the scheme of things, to be living my life.
Tattybyebyes...
And Bryn, I think I'm on the wrong thread here, but Johnnie Lee, boys, you're bringing out the big guns there honey! Oh, those house rent Boogies, Who's having house rent problems? Amity, was it you? There's a Johnnie Lee for every occasion. The man is a geniuous. f***, I'm having a spelling block. Sign of mental breakdown, or do I mean decay? Bye bye. Windows has encountered a problem and needs to shut down. Saving all settings...
LMAO!!!
Tattybyebyes...
And Bryn, I think I'm on the wrong thread here, but Johnnie Lee, boys, you're bringing out the big guns there honey! Oh, those house rent Boogies, Who's having house rent problems? Amity, was it you? There's a Johnnie Lee for every occasion. The man is a geniuous. f***, I'm having a spelling block. Sign of mental breakdown, or do I mean decay? Bye bye. Windows has encountered a problem and needs to shut down. Saving all settings...
LMAO!!!
Aw Diff you do have some talent with words. I was there with you...how beautiful. I went to Scotland back in 83, it was in October. The very first thing that struck me was the GREEN, GREEN color...my favorite...it was breathtaking. We took a ride up into the highlands and I was in awe. I worked in Aberdeen for 8 weeks with the oilfield company I was with. It is beautiful there.
Anyway honey, you should see what you can do with your talent. I took the Children's Literature course that is advertised in magazines and I enjoyed it thoroughly. I still have the scrapbook of all the children's stories I wrote. I worked via mail with an established writer from the school. I learned a lot. Too bad I hate rejection so I didn't try to publish.
Anyway honey, you should see what you can do with your talent. I took the Children's Literature course that is advertised in magazines and I enjoyed it thoroughly. I still have the scrapbook of all the children's stories I wrote. I worked via mail with an established writer from the school. I learned a lot. Too bad I hate rejection so I didn't try to publish.
Wow! I can't believe it's been 9 months! I remember when you were going through your pregnancy! Time passes fast, doesn't it? Gower Peninsula sounds wonderful. You have a gift for writing. You can describe a place to people and it's like they are there. I live in the mountains and I really love looking out my window at them every day and hiking. It's good to be out of the flatlands of Indiana! I'll never go back there. No offense to any hoosiers out there. I just missed my mountains.
Take it easy Diff
Soon it will be your first Christmas with your little angel and it won't feel one bit pointless.
k
x
Soon it will be your first Christmas with your little angel and it won't feel one bit pointless.
k
x
