Hi,
I am still here, feeling stupid. I think just because I feel like an expert withdraweling that somehow it gets easier to do. Well, I'm here to tell you it doesn't get any easier, it gets harder to accept. Yeah, I'm resisting the process. I always think there must be a better day to do this! I know about Suboxone, but I don't have the resources for that.
Yes, I need to cut off my resources and stop milking this process. I plan to do that today! Who looks forward to inducing the worst flu you'll ever have? The good news is: I have tapered down. I'll be fine. (just a reminder to myself)
So here we go again. I shoot for Saturday and I keep writing.
Thanks for listening,
Mookie
Mookie
Im on the heroin board- but what the hell -I cant sleep either. Whats up?
Guess your gone Mook- - Im gonna try and get back to sleep
peace,
jack
Im on the heroin board- but what the hell -I cant sleep either. Whats up?
Guess your gone Mook- - Im gonna try and get back to sleep
peace,
jack
MOOKIE---Just a suggestion--an idea--I was feeling EXACTLY like you ! I have a high profile job and was pretty much living day by day for years--I have been addicted to pain pills on and off for atleast 15 years and i finally made a choice--I was very scared and thought that i had to lose everything to get anything !! We are programmed to think that way because of the traditional rehab and rock bottom stories we have all seen and heard about. It does not have to go that way--I heard about this and decided to give it a try--Here is my story--Im 6 days in and i have never-EVER felt so optimistic and free ! Here is my story:
:I am on day 3 with the Suboxen. I am amazed at the results ! I was certain that i was on my way to dieing at young age. Every night i would go to bed, thinking that it was the last time i would be here. I would write notes in a little pad of paper to my 2 year old daughter--Telling her how much Daddy loved her and how scared i was that i would not be here for her.....Tough stuff !! It was especially raw for me, sue to the fact that my father had died at age 41 from alcohol and smoking and being in sales...Just like me ! Each and everyday was a chase--Where would i get money for my pills...I would have major anxiety if i did not have 12+ pills to start the day.....Just a vicious cycle...I did the waiting for the delivery guy..Searching the street..All of that stuff...At this point 5 years +.. Again hooked on these pills and just simply doing them so i did not get sick and did not miss work......
Now finally !! about 5 days ago i sat looked at my W-2's and took a long hard look at what i was doing and how bleek my future looked through the haze... I finally made the decision that i would not, and could not do this to myself and my daughter and my family !!
So i sat down with a real close friend of mine and talked and talked and decide to try and give this thing a shot. So on Saturday i got online and researched the best way to get off of this habit. My conclusion was to start searching for a Dr. that could provide me with a Suboxen program and get me out of the bottle once and for all.
I called and called every Dr. i could all week end long and left messages for all of them and never got a call back or heard a single voice....From the resaearch i had done--I learned that there are only very few Dr's that participate in this program---I was a little scared that i had not got a callback and i was running real low on fuel....I started of Sunday with much anxiety over how i would possibly get through the day with no money and 3 pills,,,,,I made it through sunday, still no calls back from any of the Dr's i called...
Monday morning was a killer..I managed a few pills to start of the day but was sure that i was either going to have to go risk myself once agaion and go find some pills or get a call back from someone....
FInally Monday afternoon i recieved a callback from one of the Dr's ; Thanks for calling but unfortunately i have no room in my program for you-i will put you on the waiting list and call you when i can,,,
WOW !! I was devasted !! I t6ried a couple more places but still no use.....Finally at around 1pm Monday afternoon i recieved a call from a Dr. ! He said that he could help me but i had a very short window to see him, as he already had several appointments that day and was very busy--He gave me 1 hour to get there--It was about 45 minutes away--My insurance wouldnt cover it and i had to have $435+ cash to do this....
I was excited at first but knew i didnt have asshot at getting that kind of money together.....And make it there within that time frame...As i walked around a bit--My buddy whom i had the long talk with over the weekend with had seen me looking alittle upset---Anyway he layed out the money for me and told me to drag it down there and see what happens...
Well....I made it there in time and was an excellent candidate for the Suboxen program---He sent me home after a lengthy consultation with the script.
It has been 3 days on them now after doing sometimes 20+ lortabs a day and i have never benn so optimistic about myself, My life and my future !!
I have never felt this good !! The feeling of being trapped inside that bottle and my only worth sitting in my pocket day after day is gone !! I am so surprised at how great i feel now and havent had a single withdrawal symptom whatsoever !!
This has truly saved my life and will enable me to enjoy every precious day as a Real person. No more false sense of well being and worries of where and when i will find my next pill !!
I am amazed-- It is beyond words what this Suboxen has done for me so far. Good luck to everyone--Its got my vote !!
MOOKIE---Trust me---Give it a thought--You will not believe how easy it can be--
Good Luck !! You could be free
:I am on day 3 with the Suboxen. I am amazed at the results ! I was certain that i was on my way to dieing at young age. Every night i would go to bed, thinking that it was the last time i would be here. I would write notes in a little pad of paper to my 2 year old daughter--Telling her how much Daddy loved her and how scared i was that i would not be here for her.....Tough stuff !! It was especially raw for me, sue to the fact that my father had died at age 41 from alcohol and smoking and being in sales...Just like me ! Each and everyday was a chase--Where would i get money for my pills...I would have major anxiety if i did not have 12+ pills to start the day.....Just a vicious cycle...I did the waiting for the delivery guy..Searching the street..All of that stuff...At this point 5 years +.. Again hooked on these pills and just simply doing them so i did not get sick and did not miss work......
Now finally !! about 5 days ago i sat looked at my W-2's and took a long hard look at what i was doing and how bleek my future looked through the haze... I finally made the decision that i would not, and could not do this to myself and my daughter and my family !!
So i sat down with a real close friend of mine and talked and talked and decide to try and give this thing a shot. So on Saturday i got online and researched the best way to get off of this habit. My conclusion was to start searching for a Dr. that could provide me with a Suboxen program and get me out of the bottle once and for all.
I called and called every Dr. i could all week end long and left messages for all of them and never got a call back or heard a single voice....From the resaearch i had done--I learned that there are only very few Dr's that participate in this program---I was a little scared that i had not got a callback and i was running real low on fuel....I started of Sunday with much anxiety over how i would possibly get through the day with no money and 3 pills,,,,,I made it through sunday, still no calls back from any of the Dr's i called...
Monday morning was a killer..I managed a few pills to start of the day but was sure that i was either going to have to go risk myself once agaion and go find some pills or get a call back from someone....
FInally Monday afternoon i recieved a callback from one of the Dr's ; Thanks for calling but unfortunately i have no room in my program for you-i will put you on the waiting list and call you when i can,,,
WOW !! I was devasted !! I t6ried a couple more places but still no use.....Finally at around 1pm Monday afternoon i recieved a call from a Dr. ! He said that he could help me but i had a very short window to see him, as he already had several appointments that day and was very busy--He gave me 1 hour to get there--It was about 45 minutes away--My insurance wouldnt cover it and i had to have $435+ cash to do this....
I was excited at first but knew i didnt have asshot at getting that kind of money together.....And make it there within that time frame...As i walked around a bit--My buddy whom i had the long talk with over the weekend with had seen me looking alittle upset---Anyway he layed out the money for me and told me to drag it down there and see what happens...
Well....I made it there in time and was an excellent candidate for the Suboxen program---He sent me home after a lengthy consultation with the script.
It has been 3 days on them now after doing sometimes 20+ lortabs a day and i have never benn so optimistic about myself, My life and my future !!
I have never felt this good !! The feeling of being trapped inside that bottle and my only worth sitting in my pocket day after day is gone !! I am so surprised at how great i feel now and havent had a single withdrawal symptom whatsoever !!
This has truly saved my life and will enable me to enjoy every precious day as a Real person. No more false sense of well being and worries of where and when i will find my next pill !!
I am amazed-- It is beyond words what this Suboxen has done for me so far. Good luck to everyone--Its got my vote !!
MOOKIE---Trust me---Give it a thought--You will not believe how easy it can be--
Good Luck !! You could be free
I was very scared and thought that i had to lose everything to get anything !! We are programmed to think that way We are programmed to think that way because of the traditional rehab and rock bottom stories we have all seen and heard about. It doesnt have to be that way!
Soberdaddy you are so right,and i dont believe the rehabs look at it that way any longer.My oldest son was in rehab last year and they do not believe you have to hit roc bottom at all,so i believe there is alot of changes in that form of thinking.
Mookie,it is a very cunning disease,as youve found out.the key is getting support along the way.Any kind of support that you can.Peopel you can talk to,people who can understand,people who can tell when you seem to be acting a little off,talking a little differently,people who can speak up and say hey...whats going on,you sound like youre heading in the wronge direction.
I personally only go to one AA group,its a womans group and i dint go regularly.But i do go to a recovery center where i see a counselor bi weekly,i have a womans group weekly and see a dr too.these things are whats helping me to do it "this" time.Seek some help,you dont need to do this alone.
There are many here who will tell you,inckluding me,life is good,you can get those feelings back,it takes time,hard work and a desire to do so,but its there if you want it.Welcome to the board,i hope things worek out for you.Stick around,you wil learn alot.~KIM
PS~please excuse the typos,my keyboard really needs to be thrown out the door!
Soberdaddy you are so right,and i dont believe the rehabs look at it that way any longer.My oldest son was in rehab last year and they do not believe you have to hit roc bottom at all,so i believe there is alot of changes in that form of thinking.
Mookie,it is a very cunning disease,as youve found out.the key is getting support along the way.Any kind of support that you can.Peopel you can talk to,people who can understand,people who can tell when you seem to be acting a little off,talking a little differently,people who can speak up and say hey...whats going on,you sound like youre heading in the wronge direction.
I personally only go to one AA group,its a womans group and i dint go regularly.But i do go to a recovery center where i see a counselor bi weekly,i have a womans group weekly and see a dr too.these things are whats helping me to do it "this" time.Seek some help,you dont need to do this alone.
There are many here who will tell you,inckluding me,life is good,you can get those feelings back,it takes time,hard work and a desire to do so,but its there if you want it.Welcome to the board,i hope things worek out for you.Stick around,you wil learn alot.~KIM
PS~please excuse the typos,my keyboard really needs to be thrown out the door!
Thankyou for responding. It really does help to read other people's stories. It makes you feel not so odd and alone. Well, Monday starts another week and another few days out of my life to feel sick, sleep and withdrawl.
I can handle the physical part (which I have lived through and prayed about getting through numerous times). Its the Physchological part that is so hard. It's the chemical in my brain that lies to me and tells me that life is no longer good and has no purpose sober. Now, sense I no longer believe my own mind nor do I trust it, I can get through this part, but I might need to write here somemore.
The part that scares me the most is the me that feels good and is happy after being sober for 2 weeks and somehow finds a way to sabatoge it. I can't seem to figure out how to stay on track! My train always de-rails when I seem to be doing good!
So I will write here and write here.....
Thanks!
Holly
I can handle the physical part (which I have lived through and prayed about getting through numerous times). Its the Physchological part that is so hard. It's the chemical in my brain that lies to me and tells me that life is no longer good and has no purpose sober. Now, sense I no longer believe my own mind nor do I trust it, I can get through this part, but I might need to write here somemore.
The part that scares me the most is the me that feels good and is happy after being sober for 2 weeks and somehow finds a way to sabatoge it. I can't seem to figure out how to stay on track! My train always de-rails when I seem to be doing good!
So I will write here and write here.....
Thanks!
Holly
Holly...welcome...at this point it is strictly about brain chemistry. You have altered yours...rewired it...you might find that suboxone if available would be a very viable option for you.
While not a cure all...it will give you that much needed time for your brain to heal. Stops w/d dead in there tracks...and gives your life pre pain pills back. It is an very powerful opiate as well...so you will have to come off of it eventually. With a good addiction specialist and a strong program....you will be ok...you sound like you are ready to address it. I am on sub and have been clean for about 2 1/2 months..maybe more...I have quit before but relapsed...this is the longest that I have been free of those "drug seeking" activities in 5 years....I am going to get a good 6 months under my belt and by that time I should be off and running...
keep posting
While not a cure all...it will give you that much needed time for your brain to heal. Stops w/d dead in there tracks...and gives your life pre pain pills back. It is an very powerful opiate as well...so you will have to come off of it eventually. With a good addiction specialist and a strong program....you will be ok...you sound like you are ready to address it. I am on sub and have been clean for about 2 1/2 months..maybe more...I have quit before but relapsed...this is the longest that I have been free of those "drug seeking" activities in 5 years....I am going to get a good 6 months under my belt and by that time I should be off and running...
keep posting
I haven't take a pill since March 12 2005, and I relapsed so many times. Even after rehab...
then I got on sub. you might be a canidate for sub. I believe (just my opinion) that long term users alter the chemistry of the brain, and that altered chemistry is harder to beat....we tend to relapse. It is possible, but for me, I needed extra help.
Sub is a very powerful drug. It should be heavily considered. It also should be used with some sort of therapy.
You are not alone, mookie. Welcome to the board. Sundays are slow so maybe some will come along and give you their input. You can beat this...
Oh, another thing that was absolutely crucial to me was to make sure I had no access to pills. I had to cut off all (and I mean ALL) suppliers to make it. That was a huge mistake the first go around with rehab.
Hang in there
then I got on sub. you might be a canidate for sub. I believe (just my opinion) that long term users alter the chemistry of the brain, and that altered chemistry is harder to beat....we tend to relapse. It is possible, but for me, I needed extra help.
Sub is a very powerful drug. It should be heavily considered. It also should be used with some sort of therapy.
You are not alone, mookie. Welcome to the board. Sundays are slow so maybe some will come along and give you their input. You can beat this...
Oh, another thing that was absolutely crucial to me was to make sure I had no access to pills. I had to cut off all (and I mean ALL) suppliers to make it. That was a huge mistake the first go around with rehab.
Hang in there
Glad you're here Mookie.
Another option? Have you thought about 12 step recovery? Or counseling? Something to figure out why you use? You have a disease, it can be dealt with.
While Suboxone has helped alot of people, it has also been a nightmare for some. You trade one addiction for another and still have a pill that you have to someday get off of. It takes a long time to do that too. You say you've gone through periods of time where you've been able to stay clean...you can do it again. But you need face to face support to help you stay off.
Take care
Cowgirl
Another option? Have you thought about 12 step recovery? Or counseling? Something to figure out why you use? You have a disease, it can be dealt with.
While Suboxone has helped alot of people, it has also been a nightmare for some. You trade one addiction for another and still have a pill that you have to someday get off of. It takes a long time to do that too. You say you've gone through periods of time where you've been able to stay clean...you can do it again. But you need face to face support to help you stay off.
Take care
Cowgirl
