I don't know how to start this, so I'm just going to jump right in.
My fiance and I have been together for over 6 years. We started dating right after he graduated from high school. He and his whole family were weed smokers. Now he and I have been living together by ourselves for over 3 years.
He flunked out of college and bopped around from this little job to that little job and then finally got a really nice, steady job. They did not drug test him in the beginning, but when they finally did he came up dirty and they won't let him use the company vehicle anymore. After that he immediately quit smoking as they told him they may test him again in the future and revisit the opportunity for him to use the company vehicle. However, it's been 7 months and they have shown no sign of testing him again.
He had quit once before for a period of almost exactly 6 months and decided he would go back to smoking only every once in awhile. Then it was just on the weekends. Then it was just after work. Just before he was tested it was back to before and after work every day.
Now he's been clean for 7 months and about once a week he brings up maybe smoking again. He's thrown out all sorts of "what ifs" such as "only once and then stop" or "give me a month and then I'll get clean again". I've tried to be supportive and sympathetic and I understand that relapse is a part of recovery, but we cannot afford for him to lose this job. They could test him any day. I've tried to remind him of how important it is that he doesn't smoke and all the progress he has made, but he is getting more and more miserable by the day.
I'm pretty sure he's going to pick it back up again and I know that he will slowly slip back into smoking heavily. I don't know what to do. He won't seek counseling and he won't do any group therapy. Can someone help me?
Edit: I forgot to add that like half of our neighbors smoke (there's a guy 3 doors down who is on medical marijuana that he hangs out with sometimes) so he's got a lot of extra temptation from that.
Dear Nox,
I know exactly what your boyfiend is dong - he is doing what we call "white knuckling". He is trying to end his bad habit through self-will and discipine. Inside, he desparately wants to resume usage. Thankfully he sounds aware of the consequences.
Will he resume using? I know a few people who stopped drinking and stopped smoking pot on their own. They usually resume usage after a period of time. A good 12-step program will help him, and also you. AA and NA are good programs. It sounds like he caught this problem early. I guarantee, if he resumes using, the use will increase and the consequences will get worse. People are usually hesitant to attend their first meeting. There is no harm in trying it once. He wil be surprised if he attends.
Al Anon and NAR Anon are good options for you. I sense the worry and anxiety in your tone. Yet, his choices are out of your control. They only thing you can do is set boundaries. Al Anon and NAR Anon are good programs. In my experience, most of the attendees are women who are worried about their men. In my specific circumstance, I was the man who was worried about my now-former wife. It takes time to learn to "let go" of things you have no control over. It takes time to know how to handle a circumstance when a boundary is crossed.
I hope this helps. Message back if you'd like. And, I wish you the best of luck.
I know exactly what your boyfiend is dong - he is doing what we call "white knuckling". He is trying to end his bad habit through self-will and discipine. Inside, he desparately wants to resume usage. Thankfully he sounds aware of the consequences.
Will he resume using? I know a few people who stopped drinking and stopped smoking pot on their own. They usually resume usage after a period of time. A good 12-step program will help him, and also you. AA and NA are good programs. It sounds like he caught this problem early. I guarantee, if he resumes using, the use will increase and the consequences will get worse. People are usually hesitant to attend their first meeting. There is no harm in trying it once. He wil be surprised if he attends.
Al Anon and NAR Anon are good options for you. I sense the worry and anxiety in your tone. Yet, his choices are out of your control. They only thing you can do is set boundaries. Al Anon and NAR Anon are good programs. In my experience, most of the attendees are women who are worried about their men. In my specific circumstance, I was the man who was worried about my now-former wife. It takes time to learn to "let go" of things you have no control over. It takes time to know how to handle a circumstance when a boundary is crossed.
I hope this helps. Message back if you'd like. And, I wish you the best of luck.
Thank you for your reply. I have encouraged him to seek counseling or group therapy (not a 12 step program, but that's a heck of an idea). The sad fact is that he was raised in a way that won't allow him to seek outside help and it doesn't help that he is male and men are supposed to be tough. He, like me and pretty much everyone else, did not grow up in a healthy setting in which he was taught that counseling and things of that nature are bad and never help and that smoking weed is perfectly fine. He was groomed to be like this. I asked him to at least give counseling a try since it is private, but he just wants to easy way out (to smoke).
I have analyzed this from every angle and I really can't figure a way to help him and us.
He did not smoke yesterday like he wanted (as far as I know) and I let him know that I am proud of him and that's another day he can check off as being sober, but I don't think it will hold up.
I have analyzed this from every angle and I really can't figure a way to help him and us.
He did not smoke yesterday like he wanted (as far as I know) and I let him know that I am proud of him and that's another day he can check off as being sober, but I don't think it will hold up.
