First Step

Alcohol
1
My name is Lovin'life and I am a grateful recovering alcoholic.

Since the first step is the most important and I didn't get to a meeting today I thought I would write about it for a little bit. I admit complete defeat against alcohol and my life is completely unmanagemable with it. I have lost money, respect, friendships, girlfriends, respect, and sanity. We all should know the definition of insanity by now. Repeating the same behavior over and over expecting different resluts. Not that exactly the same things would happen, but I know that once I would start drinking, I would finish. And boy did I know how to finish.

I would find myself drinking all the time. It didn't matter if I was suppose to be or if it was acceptable or not. I would drink before work, during work and after work. And the bar may stop serving at 2, but I knew of a 24 hour bar, it was my house. I can't ever recall a time where I went out and didn't have something to come home to. I would not go anywhere or do anything with anyone if I couldn't get a drink. Concerts, sporting events, restaurants, BBQ's, bowling alley's, whatever. My life was revolving around alcohol.

I figured out one day what my habits were costing me. I am talking about money. I was spending at least 30 dollars a day, between the booze, pot, and cigerettes. Everyday, sometimes more. That's over 200 a week and 800 a month. If I could have saved half that much I would have a lot more to show. In the 10 years of my addiction I must have wasted $40,000. Give or take 5,000. It is sickening. Then you add all of the court costs and fines that I have paid over those years for everything that has to do with my addictions. I have only been in trouble once in my life when there was not in some way drugs or alcohol involved. Maybe not directly, but some way they were connected.

And the relationships that I have ruined. All types of them. Family, friends, and intimate ones. Even jobs. Why have I had so many jobs in the past 10 years? Because I was so unstable because of the addiction I didn't have the patience. Maybe my schedule didn't fit my drinking, I would quit. Maybe I would rather drink, so I didn't show up, or do a poor job, and I would get fired. I know that there were a few years that I thought I was fooling everyone with my drinking, but I wasn't at all. Since I have quit I can smell booze a mile away, people know. Just because I may have worked in a bar or something like one, they can still tell. Slurred speech, red face, chain smoking, whatever. You lose with the booze.

Thank God I didn't have any kids (yet). I am sure that either the mother or the state would have taken them away from me. I can see now why my mom hated letting me go with my dad on the weekends. He was an alcoholic and I was around it all the time. I thought I would never be like that, but I was predisposed to be a drunk like him.

I finally realized that my life was unmanageable when I drank and smoked away about 4,500 dollars in a 6 week period. I was unstoppable, the only person who could do a damn thing about me was me. Many of the people who love me the most tried, to no avail. That is what I didn't get, that I was killing myself and killing the feelings and respect of those who love me the most. If I hadn't surrendered and put myself into treatment, I would most certainly be dead by now.

I know 6 people, who were personal friends or aquaintences, who are now dead due to complications from drinking. One just passed the other night. Everytime I go to a meeting and we have that moment of silence for those still sick and suffering, I think about them and I think about those others in my life, directly and indirectly who still suffer from this disease. Anyone who may read this post in or out of the program who has not yet surrendered might want to think about it. There are people who care, whether you know it or not.

Thanks, the table is now open.
2
I agree, admitting a lack of control over alcohol is necessary before you can make any progress, at least it was in my case. I used to think that I just needed to get my drinking "under control". I tried and tried to do just that with very little success. About two weeks ago the realization came to me that I have no control over alcohol; I'm not sure where or how it came to me. I'm not in AA so I didn't hear it there; I'm quite agnostic, but just the same I'm very thankful to what ever was the source of this realization of my lack of control. I too shudder to think of the money I have wasted over the last 8 years or so... However, there is no point in crying over spilt milk, I have my health still, I have two weeks of sobriety now and tomorrow is a new day....

Thanks for the post LL, these points while rather simple certainly bear repeating.

Bye for now Cookster.
3
Cookster- You really should look into AA. What kind of recovery program are you running? I don't know how I would do it without meetings and people who share my disease to talk to. You don't have to be religious.

LL
4
LovinLife,

So far all I have done in terms of a recovery program is to have seen my doctor and post on this board. My doctor recomended a D&A counselor or AA. I live in a small town so AA is not really anonomous, so I decided on the counseling route. However, I must admit I haven't made an appointment to see them, or talked to our Employee Assistance Plan about getting funding for it. I guess the reasons are :

first, I was so devastated by my last binge that I (so far) do not want to drink. Now I know this well may change as I recover from scare/embarrassment, but for now I'm feeling safe.

second, talking to the people at the union office about accessing the EAP will be hard, I know them.

third, I suppose there is a side of me that still wants to believe that I don't have a problem, and that all I have to do is "just cut back a bit" .

fourth, I am an exceedingly private/independant person, I hide when I hurt. I suppose I had to be this way growing up the way I did isolated socially by my parents fanatical fudamentalist religion.

Having said all this my saner side realizes that it would be a good idea to have some kind of plan in place. I will commit to making an appointment tomorow, (Monday) and going for one counseling session. I will take it from there.


Thanks for asking about me, take care of yourself....

Bye for now , Cookster
5
I heard this around AA and can relate: When I use to manage and control my drinking I wasn't content because I always wanted more; when I lose all control of drinking and stop managing it always took me to a very bad place...
6
I think that if you drink enough to where you have to try and control it, you have a problem. I would say that if you are posting on this site, you probably have a problem. The longer you keep picking up, the harder it is going to be to set it down. How far are you from a bigger city where you could hit some meetings without feeling like everyone knows you already. It's not about who is there, it's about the 12 steps. It works if you work it.

Stay strong

LL
7
I beleive that it doesn't matter how we got from point A to point B. What matters is that we know this has gone to far. We know we crossed the line with our drinking. We may not be able to pin point that moment but, we know if we move backwards the whole thing starts over where we left off. For those of us who have played that same game over & over. I just wanted to be a normal drinker like other people. I admit I liked the high for along time. But, it came to the point where it wasn't fun anymore. I damaged my life & those who loved me. I crossed the line. I tried to find my way back to the days where drinking was pleasant. God knows I tried this many many times. But I couldn't find my way back to point A. Now I'm at point B. I'm incapable of drinking like a normal person. I admit defeat about how I drink. I just can't drink responsibly. I'm thankful the Cookster wrote that being an Alcoholic is not all of who I am. The journey is different for all of us! Some people need or want AA. Some people like the theory of Rational Recovery. Some people want or need re-hab. Some people need or want clergy. Some people need or want counseling. Some people want or need Hoalistic treatment. Some people just need or want this web site. Some people just quit on their own. Some people like me incorporate parts of all these options. Boy we sure are lucky to live in modern times when so many tools are available to us. What really matters is when you reach point C on the journey. Knowing that you can be reasonably happy without Alcohol. It doesn't matter which method or methods you use. It just matters that you made it to this point and that you do something about it. May we all reach point C moving forward one day at a time. This approach of optimism is new for me. Or, perhaps it's been buried for along time and is resurfacing because of the support of my fellow addicts. Oh yeah & I'm sober. If it weren't for God I wouldn't even be here to post on this board. I hope I can help somebody else with this post. The way your post's have helped me.

Love, Chris
8
Wow Chris, what a lovely post! I really connected with what you were saying. Finding a realization that we have no control over our drinking and admitting that we will never be "normal" drinkers again is so important isn't it. By the way your posts do help me, I'm always glad to read them. I smiled when I read about how your weekend went for you, I was sooo happy to hear that your H is happier with you not drinking, that's awesome!

I am pleasantly bewildered by the progress I have enjoyed these last two weeks. I'm not sure where it has came from; I have tried for years to "control" my drinking or even just abstain on work nights. It has been on my mind for years. Then came the realization that I am powerless over this beast ; and poof!
abstainance seems to have happened. Note, I am most humbly not taking credit for this, I am the same person who tried so long so hard and yet so unsuccessfully to drink in a "normal" fashion. I also realize that there is no ironclad guarantee for the future, "one day at a time"......

I did phone to make an appointment with a D&A counselor, they will get back to me tomorow. I feel I should explore this option, since my doctor recomended this to me. I don't think I have all the answers, independent though I like to be.

Its awsome to realize that I have been sober for two weeks! Especially when I stop to think that for the last 8 years or so I have been drunk for 20-30% of my waking hours..... YUCK!!!!!!! GROSSSSS!!!!!

I have a few challenges to face, telling my friends and aquaintences is something I find hard but with the help and support I find on this board I should manage. I will keep posting....


Bye for now, Cookster.
9
LL I can totally relate to your post. When I was in USA I had 14 jobs in 11 years.

Since moving home I have had 4 jobs in not quite 5 years - the one I'm at now is 2 years and 8 months - that is the longest job I have ever held in my life!

I understand now its because I was always running away from problems rather than dealing with them.

Today I had a bad day I screwed up some work stuff really badly yesterday (didn't realise until today). This morning I got on the phone and accepted total responsibility, and apologised sincerely from my heart about the matter to one person involved. They graciously accepted my apology - and as soon as I'd made amends I felt so much better - its been eating me alive all morning.

I have one more person to make amends to but have been advised to wait a day or so cause she is still pretty angry - you can be sure I will do it though and not blow it off.

Once, this is the sort of thing would have had me looking for a new job.

I know I jumped a few steps there - but this was on my mind and I needed to testify.

All the best to you LL
Idgie