Hi all I have been following posts on this site for a while now and this is my first time posting. I am a,single mom of a 22 year old daughter who has been on pills "oxy" for a few years and now heroin. I do not know all details of her drug abuse. She has been living with her boyfriend and his family for 4 years. I became aware of her drug use about a year ago ..when I moved back to where I used to live the town where she still lives.
Long story short we haven't spoken in about 6 weeks ...I told her I can't ' be apart of her life unless she wants help, rehab to be specific. I let her go from her job as a waitress where she was working for me because every penny she made was going towards drugs and as much as I wanted to keep her there because it was the only time I saw her I just couldn't enable her anymore. I have begged and pleaded with her boyfriends mom( he uses as well) to stop letting her live there for free with no responsibility. They (his parents) pay their car, phone, food etc.....
I cry day and night don't know what to do. Reading all your posts have been helping. Thanks to all who share.
Loving welcome Carol. Here's a hug. So sorry that your baby is an addict and that you need support. . .so happy you found us and entrusted your heart to us.
I'm not sure that firing her from the waitress job at your place was enabling. I assume that she was doing the job, coming to work on time, etc. If so, she was earning her salary and her tips honestly and legally. By firing her aren't you indirectly trying to control what she spends HER money on? If she wasn't performing satisfactory or looked unsanitary, that's a different story. But that is all spilled milk now.
Yes, detaching with love and tough love is meant to, among other things, keep us sane during the addiction. But notice the key words: Love. No one said you had to completely remove your daughter from your life. . .or stop loving her. No matter what . . .she is and will always be your baby! And saying, "I love you," giving hugs & allowing her to be independent are all free.
I know it is hard but I wouldn't say boo, hiss or peep to his people. First of all, unless his parents are Ray Charles & Helen Keller, they know what time it is. . .what is going on in their house. They may not acknowledge that their son & your daughter are using. They may be in denial. But I'm sure they know on some level. Second, this is THEIR house. By telling them, you expect them to have the same reaction as you. . . or to kick them out. . . or to change. Apparently, they accept (and maybe condone, but who knows) what is going on under their roof. I guess their values, morals, rules, etc are different from yours.
What can you do for her??? I think you have realized and accepted that the answer is: Nothing except pray, love her in spite of herself, and wait for her on the other side of rehab. This is a good thing. It took me a long time to wake up and smell this coffee. (My girl is 21 yo.) As well as to accept that this is her life and her journey.
My advice to you as the mom of a young adult addict to another mom??? Remember the 3 Cs: you didn't cause the addiction, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Read on this board, "What Not to Do," "Let me Fall by Myself," and "Ways Family Members Can Help." Get all the support that you can -- from us, Naronon/Alanon meetings, therapist, minister, closed Facebook groups (there is one exclusively for mother's of addicts, called "The Addicts Mom"), etc. Detach with love. Pray. . .and then let go & let God.
We are all here for you. Praying with you & for you and your baby.
Lynn
xoxo
I'm not sure that firing her from the waitress job at your place was enabling. I assume that she was doing the job, coming to work on time, etc. If so, she was earning her salary and her tips honestly and legally. By firing her aren't you indirectly trying to control what she spends HER money on? If she wasn't performing satisfactory or looked unsanitary, that's a different story. But that is all spilled milk now.
Yes, detaching with love and tough love is meant to, among other things, keep us sane during the addiction. But notice the key words: Love. No one said you had to completely remove your daughter from your life. . .or stop loving her. No matter what . . .she is and will always be your baby! And saying, "I love you," giving hugs & allowing her to be independent are all free.
I know it is hard but I wouldn't say boo, hiss or peep to his people. First of all, unless his parents are Ray Charles & Helen Keller, they know what time it is. . .what is going on in their house. They may not acknowledge that their son & your daughter are using. They may be in denial. But I'm sure they know on some level. Second, this is THEIR house. By telling them, you expect them to have the same reaction as you. . . or to kick them out. . . or to change. Apparently, they accept (and maybe condone, but who knows) what is going on under their roof. I guess their values, morals, rules, etc are different from yours.
What can you do for her??? I think you have realized and accepted that the answer is: Nothing except pray, love her in spite of herself, and wait for her on the other side of rehab. This is a good thing. It took me a long time to wake up and smell this coffee. (My girl is 21 yo.) As well as to accept that this is her life and her journey.
My advice to you as the mom of a young adult addict to another mom??? Remember the 3 Cs: you didn't cause the addiction, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Read on this board, "What Not to Do," "Let me Fall by Myself," and "Ways Family Members Can Help." Get all the support that you can -- from us, Naronon/Alanon meetings, therapist, minister, closed Facebook groups (there is one exclusively for mother's of addicts, called "The Addicts Mom"), etc. Detach with love. Pray. . .and then let go & let God.
We are all here for you. Praying with you & for you and your baby.
Lynn
xoxo
Carol,
Welcome!
I know how terrible it is to lose your baby to addiction. My son is 30. He's used drugs and alcohol half his life but the past few years has been heroin. It has gotten so low for him at times that he has been homeless for months and that still wasn't enough to make him want to get clean.
Lynn was much more eloquent in her response but I'll tell you the same thing, "we can't cure our kids". There is help for your daughter when she wants it but not until then. Take care and keep coming back here and reading the stories on here. You're not alone.
Michelle
Welcome!
I know how terrible it is to lose your baby to addiction. My son is 30. He's used drugs and alcohol half his life but the past few years has been heroin. It has gotten so low for him at times that he has been homeless for months and that still wasn't enough to make him want to get clean.
Lynn was much more eloquent in her response but I'll tell you the same thing, "we can't cure our kids". There is help for your daughter when she wants it but not until then. Take care and keep coming back here and reading the stories on here. You're not alone.
Michelle
Hi Carol, I would have done what you did with my daughter too. She wants to do drugs then do them on someone else's dime whether she worked for your dime or not. I would also have tried to reason with the parents in hoping they would have shown some compassion to your plight. But you know what Carol? ...When your fighting to keep your kid off drugs your in it alone because nobody that's not went through it want to help you. Ones that are enablers like the bfs "dumber than dirt" parents would rather just shut their eyes to it because it's easier. Chances are they might be on drugs themselves. Maybe that's where your daughter and her bf get the pills. I honestly don't know what to tell you. Her not speaking to you makes it hard. Her and the bf have probably become co-dependant on each other too. It's a nightmare, I know! My daughter was doing heroin at 17 and now she's almost 35 and still dabbling in it. That almost 18 yrs coming up. I think if I had stopped enabling her and feeling sorry for her sooner, she might have been off drugs years ago. Chances are she will come around to calling you eventually because she'll need you to give her money. It's all about what you can give them. Stick with it and give her nothing. Is her dad available to help you with this? If he is I would try and get him on board with you. If and when you do get a chance to talk to her all you can do really is offer to get her into a detox and rehab. We are all here for you when you need us. This board is what has kept me sane. I'm sure it will help you too! Hang in there and be strong! Mary
The 3 C's ...1) You didn't cause this! 2) You can't control it! 3) You can't cure it. Someone awhile ago told me this and when I'd get to feeling helpless I'd say them to myself. It's good to remember them.
The 3 C's ...1) You didn't cause this! 2) You can't control it! 3) You can't cure it. Someone awhile ago told me this and when I'd get to feeling helpless I'd say them to myself. It's good to remember them.
Excellent post, Lynn
Happy New Year hopefully it will be for some!
Well a lot has happened since my last post which was my first and only post on here. Anyway I got text from my daughter and her boyfriends mom on Christmas morning asking me to come get her ....she cheated on her boyfriend so they wanted her out. Of course I jump in my car and rush over there thanking God the whole way thinking that getting her away from there was half my battle in trying to help my daughter get help. To sum up the past 18 days of her staying here I discovered she never stopped heroin use while here. She stole debit card and a check, one that I know of so far. During this time I have had police here when she was bAnging on my door trying to get in I've even gotten her to the emergency room and after being there waiting as,soon as they were doing her intake and used the words detox she refused to stay I told her it was either detox or the street because I wasn't taking her back home with me. I left her in the hospital parking lot both of us hysterical, one of the hardest things I've ever done in my entire life. She showed back up herd the next day and I let her in with the agreement of going to rehab, that day , Monday, came and went and she was go e when I returned from work. And that night is when I realized she stole a check. I haven't heard from her and i found out thru a friend who saw facebook that she's back at the boyfriends house. OMG what do I do? I am beside myself . Do I once again just sit back and wait in the hopes she will hit rock bottom and get help although I thought Christmas morning was pretty low. She's obviously nit ready fir help. Do I have her arrested for stealing and forgery???
I am praying non-stop any advice is welcome with open arms. Thanks for all the support,
Well a lot has happened since my last post which was my first and only post on here. Anyway I got text from my daughter and her boyfriends mom on Christmas morning asking me to come get her ....she cheated on her boyfriend so they wanted her out. Of course I jump in my car and rush over there thanking God the whole way thinking that getting her away from there was half my battle in trying to help my daughter get help. To sum up the past 18 days of her staying here I discovered she never stopped heroin use while here. She stole debit card and a check, one that I know of so far. During this time I have had police here when she was bAnging on my door trying to get in I've even gotten her to the emergency room and after being there waiting as,soon as they were doing her intake and used the words detox she refused to stay I told her it was either detox or the street because I wasn't taking her back home with me. I left her in the hospital parking lot both of us hysterical, one of the hardest things I've ever done in my entire life. She showed back up herd the next day and I let her in with the agreement of going to rehab, that day , Monday, came and went and she was go e when I returned from work. And that night is when I realized she stole a check. I haven't heard from her and i found out thru a friend who saw facebook that she's back at the boyfriends house. OMG what do I do? I am beside myself . Do I once again just sit back and wait in the hopes she will hit rock bottom and get help although I thought Christmas morning was pretty low. She's obviously nit ready fir help. Do I have her arrested for stealing and forgery???
I am praying non-stop any advice is welcome with open arms. Thanks for all the support,
| QUOTE |
| OMG what do I do? I am beside myself . Do I once again just sit back and wait in the hopes she will hit rock bottom and get help although I thought Christmas morning was pretty low. She's obviously nit ready fir help. Do I have her arrested for stealing and forgery??? |
You do nothing....the hardest thing of all. You also do not have her arrested unless it's for the right reasons. The right reasons are that you actually want her prosecuted for stealing from you because it's wrong and not okay. The wrong reason is that you want her 'safe' in jail and hope she'll get help that way.
Of course you are beside yourself, it sucks to be a a party to this circus that is your daughter's life. But it no longer has anything to do with you...period. I am almost always against withholding love and contact as a form of punishment or wake-up call...again, right and wrong reasons. Right reason to withhold contact: you are sick to death of the merry-go-round and need a break. Wrong reason: you are punishing her in hopes she will seek recovery. Always examine your motives and be brutally honest with yourself.
We never broke contact, just couldn't let her live at home because it made ME nuts, brought out ugly codie behaviors, broke our house rules about holding and using in the home, and perpetuated the ongoing cycle of relapse and recrimination.
I'm sorry she's still in it, but she is...doesn't mean you have to be...hard to believe, but truth.
Peace ~ MomNMore
Thank you
Unfortunately, since she is an adult you can't make her do anything. She will go where she wants to go and do what she wants to do. All you can do is worry about her and pray for her. She has a place to live and food so there is no incentive for her to change right now. Did she cash that check? You alone can decide if you want to press charges, but if you do you should follow through. If it is her first offense, they will probably just slap her hand and put her on probation but at least she will know that you mean business. They take advantage of weakness and empty threats...when they know we will do nothing, then they feel free to take advantage of us over and over again.
Yes she cashed it that's how I found out. Although I had the police here last week I didn't press charges against her for the debit card which is larceny and now with the check I think they would add fraud and forgery if I pressed charges.
I just don't know if that will be of any help although the boyfriend consigned and cashed it so he would be involved as well. I need to think about it in the meantime I am going to inquire info from the police officer which wad here because I do know him thorough town and work and he gave me his cell
I just don't know if that will be of any help although the boyfriend consigned and cashed it so he would be involved as well. I need to think about it in the meantime I am going to inquire info from the police officer which wad here because I do know him thorough town and work and he gave me his cell
Carol,
My son did the same thing when he was 18. I found out from the bank that he cashed several checks made out to him in the amounts of $40 to $100 at a time. I also had a debit card go missing. I could see online the dates and times it was accessed. I was so sure it was one of my son's friends who used my debit card - imagine my surprise and shame when I viewed the the camera tapes and saw it was him, looking very out of it. At the time, the bank told me that if I wanted to press get my money back, I'd have to press charges, and not drop them. So sorry you're going through this.
My son did the same thing when he was 18. I found out from the bank that he cashed several checks made out to him in the amounts of $40 to $100 at a time. I also had a debit card go missing. I could see online the dates and times it was accessed. I was so sure it was one of my son's friends who used my debit card - imagine my surprise and shame when I viewed the the camera tapes and saw it was him, looking very out of it. At the time, the bank told me that if I wanted to press get my money back, I'd have to press charges, and not drop them. So sorry you're going through this.
Hi! I dont have much to say except that my daughter took a check and ran it thru the ATM - $250. she thought that was so easy, she took another. I dont remember how I found out. probably on line banking - I was joint on her account and saw the activity. she also deposited blank paper into the ATM as an night time deposit. I had to make up that amount. my son used to take my debit card to get gas. I did not notice that right away bc I did let him use it sometimes. he would take it and put it back - so I didnt notice.
I did not press charges at all. and was glad the bank did not. It would have been a felony, I think. She did straighten out and was glad she had no arrests.
be firm keep her out of your house. stick to What Not To Do
It is amazing what we have all been thru and what we/parents will do to save our kids.
It is heartbreaking and confusing and consuming when they are adults and dont want to be saved.
I did not press charges at all. and was glad the bank did not. It would have been a felony, I think. She did straighten out and was glad she had no arrests.
be firm keep her out of your house. stick to What Not To Do
It is amazing what we have all been thru and what we/parents will do to save our kids.
It is heartbreaking and confusing and consuming when they are adults and dont want to be saved.
Of course the boyfriend co signed....YOUR money is what got her back into the house! As a drug addict you can really do most anything to us and if you show up with MONEY or DRUGS all is forgiven .
jjen-- right on -- you are so right!!
Lori
Lori
This thread is really helping me, as I am new to all of this, finding out this week that my daughter is an addict and stealing money.
Thanks to everyone for telling your story.
Thanks to everyone for telling your story.
I read that addicts steal from their parents bc they know we won't press charges.
I know we didn't go to the cops when our 21 yo daughter sold all of our jewelry (even my wedding band). Nor did we call when cash was missing. Nor did we call when there were unauthorized charges on credit & debit cards. (I didn't know until we got her phone back from the cops that she had taken photos of the front & back of our cards.) I know if a stranger or acquaintance did the same things I would have been at the police. We didn't for a multitude of reasons, including not wanting her to have a record and wanting to get her in rehab, not jail. We weee also a bit ashamed. I wonder if we had shown tough love by having her face the legal consequences of her bad decisions early on if she'd still be here now.
Just something to think about....
Lynn
I know we didn't go to the cops when our 21 yo daughter sold all of our jewelry (even my wedding band). Nor did we call when cash was missing. Nor did we call when there were unauthorized charges on credit & debit cards. (I didn't know until we got her phone back from the cops that she had taken photos of the front & back of our cards.) I know if a stranger or acquaintance did the same things I would have been at the police. We didn't for a multitude of reasons, including not wanting her to have a record and wanting to get her in rehab, not jail. We weee also a bit ashamed. I wonder if we had shown tough love by having her face the legal consequences of her bad decisions early on if she'd still be here now.
Just something to think about....
Lynn
Carol,
Welcome to this forum. I don't have any words to help you with your addict child. All I can tell you is that read our stories. We have each taught each other how to cope. Come here to vent, scream, cry or just read. It's a release.
My son stole so many times from me, his father. J even stole from his nephews piggybank. He took my credit card and charge $1.000 worth of prescriptions. He opened a bank account. He would also fake deposit and then he knew he could withdraw up to a certain amount of money from that fake deposit. He would overdraw checking account. He broke into his father's house and stole fishing poles. He stole his g/f laptop. This is only the few things we caught him stealing. There is probably more. The final straw that he is not allowed in any of our homes, sober or not . Last Jan 16 when J. went to his brothers to borrow a bike and of course my youngest son knew he was going to pawn it. His younger brother gave him food, clothes and the bike. Then J proceed to steal his wallet. His brother chased him down and got it back. J says I don't remember I was on blues. Hmm no remorse nothing , all J. said is I don't remember I was out of it. I was depressed. More excuses than apologies. My youngest son tried to help him, he wanted a shot thinking maybe he would listen to him instead of me. He let him live there free, put on weight , got him clothes. A job, took him to counseling. But he didn't want anything to do with it. He wanted to do what he wanted. J said he didn't want people to tell him what to do, where to go. He could it himself. So when he came home high again, my son said out. My wife is scared of you. Go!
And then he pleaded to get on his feet and my youngest took him back for the fourth time! Then help him get a room , and a bank account. I clothe him keep his fridge full , paid his phone. Anything to let him see normal day to day actives. He was using the whole time, using us. Use Flackka broke his back. He almost lost his arm to shooting up. Nine surgeries and skin graft. You would think right, this is it. He has hit the lowest of low. But know all the while he was using heroin even when a home health care was working with him. The hospital force a rehab. Ohmygsosh, The complaints lolol Mom they only feed me once a day. I can't shower, I can't talked on the phone. I have no freedom. On and on and on, excuses, needless to say when he had the skin graft that was him. Gone poof! stole a phone at the hospital he was getting his treatments in. Really! of course jail time first time in 10 years. I kept that boy out of jail, enabling him. Keeping him in a home paying rent, paying the psychiatric \ drs. And what did it get me, heartache, tears, financial hardship. Without these girls I would be a basket case.
I talked to J when he feels like calling, I won't shut him down just in case it's his last. But he doesn't get a dime from me. He has a warrant on his head and hold up somewhere with his g/f.
My son will be 36 next month and nothing since 15 has change his mindset. He is an addict, a freely admitted addicted and thinks as always he can handle it himself. At Christmas he said mom you picked a bad time to stop enabling me. lolol
So come here Carol, follow our stories or heartache, or success and hopefully you will a little comfort when you feel like your wrong in not helping. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. Do Not let your daughter use emotional blackmail on you. She has to fall before she can help herself.
xxx Sue
Welcome to this forum. I don't have any words to help you with your addict child. All I can tell you is that read our stories. We have each taught each other how to cope. Come here to vent, scream, cry or just read. It's a release.
My son stole so many times from me, his father. J even stole from his nephews piggybank. He took my credit card and charge $1.000 worth of prescriptions. He opened a bank account. He would also fake deposit and then he knew he could withdraw up to a certain amount of money from that fake deposit. He would overdraw checking account. He broke into his father's house and stole fishing poles. He stole his g/f laptop. This is only the few things we caught him stealing. There is probably more. The final straw that he is not allowed in any of our homes, sober or not . Last Jan 16 when J. went to his brothers to borrow a bike and of course my youngest son knew he was going to pawn it. His younger brother gave him food, clothes and the bike. Then J proceed to steal his wallet. His brother chased him down and got it back. J says I don't remember I was on blues. Hmm no remorse nothing , all J. said is I don't remember I was out of it. I was depressed. More excuses than apologies. My youngest son tried to help him, he wanted a shot thinking maybe he would listen to him instead of me. He let him live there free, put on weight , got him clothes. A job, took him to counseling. But he didn't want anything to do with it. He wanted to do what he wanted. J said he didn't want people to tell him what to do, where to go. He could it himself. So when he came home high again, my son said out. My wife is scared of you. Go!
And then he pleaded to get on his feet and my youngest took him back for the fourth time! Then help him get a room , and a bank account. I clothe him keep his fridge full , paid his phone. Anything to let him see normal day to day actives. He was using the whole time, using us. Use Flackka broke his back. He almost lost his arm to shooting up. Nine surgeries and skin graft. You would think right, this is it. He has hit the lowest of low. But know all the while he was using heroin even when a home health care was working with him. The hospital force a rehab. Ohmygsosh, The complaints lolol Mom they only feed me once a day. I can't shower, I can't talked on the phone. I have no freedom. On and on and on, excuses, needless to say when he had the skin graft that was him. Gone poof! stole a phone at the hospital he was getting his treatments in. Really! of course jail time first time in 10 years. I kept that boy out of jail, enabling him. Keeping him in a home paying rent, paying the psychiatric \ drs. And what did it get me, heartache, tears, financial hardship. Without these girls I would be a basket case.
I talked to J when he feels like calling, I won't shut him down just in case it's his last. But he doesn't get a dime from me. He has a warrant on his head and hold up somewhere with his g/f.
My son will be 36 next month and nothing since 15 has change his mindset. He is an addict, a freely admitted addicted and thinks as always he can handle it himself. At Christmas he said mom you picked a bad time to stop enabling me. lolol
So come here Carol, follow our stories or heartache, or success and hopefully you will a little comfort when you feel like your wrong in not helping. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. Do Not let your daughter use emotional blackmail on you. She has to fall before she can help herself.
xxx Sue
Thank you thank you thank you to each and everyone of you . Coming here has truly been my saving grace many nights, so God Bless All of You. I heard from her tonight via a text saying "I need to get my computer" I didn't respond because I don't even know how to. I haven't heard from her since she disappeared(back to her boyfriends) after the stealing which I never bothered to address with her because I feel that is pointless. I do have her clothes and laptop in my basement,these were all items left in my driveway on 3 different occasions by her boyfriend and his family since Christmas day when they kicked her out.
Do I respond? Do I make arrangements with her to have her pick up all of her things just not the laptop? Until the next time they call me to get her???? So unsure of how to handle this. I'm not so much looking for answers or expecting any as I am just venting and sharing with all of you.. typing gives me a break from crying.
Do I respond? Do I make arrangements with her to have her pick up all of her things just not the laptop? Until the next time they call me to get her???? So unsure of how to handle this. I'm not so much looking for answers or expecting any as I am just venting and sharing with all of you.. typing gives me a break from crying.
Carol,
In my experience she is looking for things to sell. I wouldn't give her anything at all. It's pointless she will loose it again. Have the boyfriend's parents supply her with clothes and computer. She doesn't need it. She can go to the library to use the internet.
I would suggest you tell her that it is gone. You didn't think she was coming back and didn't anticipate she wanted to drag her things out again.
When I had my son in a rehab, he contacted his father for his things that I had him keep safe, idiot gave it to my son in rehab so he could sell it for drugs.
Clothes are cheap at goodwill, she can go there. This is my opinion but do what is best for you.
God bless
Sue xx
In my experience she is looking for things to sell. I wouldn't give her anything at all. It's pointless she will loose it again. Have the boyfriend's parents supply her with clothes and computer. She doesn't need it. She can go to the library to use the internet.
I would suggest you tell her that it is gone. You didn't think she was coming back and didn't anticipate she wanted to drag her things out again.
When I had my son in a rehab, he contacted his father for his things that I had him keep safe, idiot gave it to my son in rehab so he could sell it for drugs.
Clothes are cheap at goodwill, she can go there. This is my opinion but do what is best for you.
God bless
Sue xx
I agree with Sue.
The computer will only get pawned or sold for much less than what it's worth.
The computer will only get pawned or sold for much less than what it's worth.
