I am not sure how to approach him about this. I know I did things as a teenager but I also ended up an alcoholic. He's always been a good kid, very smart, great grades etc. Now I hardly ever see him. I am trying to deal with my own recovery and depression and I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?
First of all, I'm so sorry this situation has appeared in your life, the unknown is scary.....and when it's our children who are at risk, it's worse. I can only share my experience and I hope some of it sheds some light.....
I have shared my recovery with my children.....struggling with the thoughts of what is appropriate and what isn't........I decided it was all appropriate. Based on what they have seen regarding my drug/alcohol use, depression and therapy, they have both made sound decisions so far in their lives. They are 19 and 15 years old. I began by asking them if it was an "ok time to talk" or "Are you busy ?" I shared that I had some "fear in regards to their response", however, I wanted to have an "honest conversation about some serious adult-issues". I told them I wanted them to know that secrets lead to pain and suffering and that is not how I want our family to exist. I asked them if they understood. I asked them their thoughts regarding "feelings" and "societal attitudes" and "drug and alcohol use and abuse."
I let them talk, listened without judgement and then I shared my decision to change my life. I asked their opinions. I told them I loved them. I merely opened the door to more comfortable conversations like, "I would like to spend some time with you." "when is a good time for you?" I took my son for cheese cake on numerous occassions. I took my daughter for a drive, hair coloring products and ear piercings.
Time together has led to the hard questions, there is trust and openess. Treating them as people (imagine that ?) :-) has been my biggest eye-opener ......expecting honesty, reciprocating honesty.....seems to be my biggest reward.
There are things I know now from them, that are hard to hear, and there are boundaries that shift and change with the weather some weeks, but my example and my attitude towards the concept of getting help when you need it, has paid off.......
so far so good......
Good luck, lostmom, I wish you all the best.
I have shared my recovery with my children.....struggling with the thoughts of what is appropriate and what isn't........I decided it was all appropriate. Based on what they have seen regarding my drug/alcohol use, depression and therapy, they have both made sound decisions so far in their lives. They are 19 and 15 years old. I began by asking them if it was an "ok time to talk" or "Are you busy ?" I shared that I had some "fear in regards to their response", however, I wanted to have an "honest conversation about some serious adult-issues". I told them I wanted them to know that secrets lead to pain and suffering and that is not how I want our family to exist. I asked them if they understood. I asked them their thoughts regarding "feelings" and "societal attitudes" and "drug and alcohol use and abuse."
I let them talk, listened without judgement and then I shared my decision to change my life. I asked their opinions. I told them I loved them. I merely opened the door to more comfortable conversations like, "I would like to spend some time with you." "when is a good time for you?" I took my son for cheese cake on numerous occassions. I took my daughter for a drive, hair coloring products and ear piercings.
Time together has led to the hard questions, there is trust and openess. Treating them as people (imagine that ?) :-) has been my biggest eye-opener ......expecting honesty, reciprocating honesty.....seems to be my biggest reward.
There are things I know now from them, that are hard to hear, and there are boundaries that shift and change with the weather some weeks, but my example and my attitude towards the concept of getting help when you need it, has paid off.......
so far so good......
Good luck, lostmom, I wish you all the best.
Lostmom:
Maybe you can have a one on one talk and let your experience and what you have been through and what you are still going through be an example. Maybe now is the time just to be completely honest about the hell that someone with addiction problems goes through.
Good luck and I am praying for you. I have a 15 year old and I cannot imagine the horror you must be feeling right now. Keep us posted.
Maybe you can have a one on one talk and let your experience and what you have been through and what you are still going through be an example. Maybe now is the time just to be completely honest about the hell that someone with addiction problems goes through.
Good luck and I am praying for you. I have a 15 year old and I cannot imagine the horror you must be feeling right now. Keep us posted.
tell him you found his stash and smoked it. And if you ever find it around again you will share it with all your friends. J/k of course.. anyways, I think at one time in their kids life a parent finds something in their room that they shouldn't... my only advice is don't focus on what you found.. especially being a recovering addict it will set you off even more... get yourself in the mindset of as if you had found a porno magazine, or a knife, or something of the sort. It might help to calm you down for the talk that will ensue. 90% of kids experiment with things they shouldn't. In this case you found some pretty harsh drugs and if you come at your son too hard about it you will lose the possibility to ever be able to talk civil with your son about it.... especially if he is on the speed, he will take everything you are saying as an assault on him. I'm no counselor here so don't flame me here people, all i'm saying is that my mother came at me too hard about my use and I pretty much stopped discussing any possibility of recovery or the like with her. And now 10 years later when I was finally ready to quit, my mother was a huge part of my recovery.
Dear Lostmom
I know what you are going through. I discovered my 10th grade son smoking pot with friends in my home. It was unexpected and I was at such a loss that I did not do anything for a while. I told him that it was unacceptable but did not establish boundaries or sanctions. I thought (and was told) that he was experimenting! Things got worse and my son got addicted to marijuana. I am in the middle of it and trying to cope the best I can.
Retrospectively, I regret not to have called right away the parents of the kids he was with. I should have made my son understand that we would not tolerate drug use. I dont know if it would have changed anything but during therapy, he said that he thought we were okay with it because we had not reacted firmly. Some parents have no objection to pot smoking as long as it is within reason! You need to figure out your own feelings about this. To us it is unacceptable.
The fact that you found mj and speed in your sons room proves that your son is already into it. Kids do not start by having their own supply in their bedroom. The fact that you don't see him anymore is another sign. It is horrible, worrisome and devastating but I think that you need to talk to your son and make clear to him your views on the subject of mj. It is especially important because you are battling addiction yourself and addiction is genetic. It may get a lot worst and if you can prevent him from becoming a chronic user, you will have saved yourself a lot of grief.
I feel so much sympathy for you and I wish you a lot of courage. Talk to him.
I know what you are going through. I discovered my 10th grade son smoking pot with friends in my home. It was unexpected and I was at such a loss that I did not do anything for a while. I told him that it was unacceptable but did not establish boundaries or sanctions. I thought (and was told) that he was experimenting! Things got worse and my son got addicted to marijuana. I am in the middle of it and trying to cope the best I can.
Retrospectively, I regret not to have called right away the parents of the kids he was with. I should have made my son understand that we would not tolerate drug use. I dont know if it would have changed anything but during therapy, he said that he thought we were okay with it because we had not reacted firmly. Some parents have no objection to pot smoking as long as it is within reason! You need to figure out your own feelings about this. To us it is unacceptable.
The fact that you found mj and speed in your sons room proves that your son is already into it. Kids do not start by having their own supply in their bedroom. The fact that you don't see him anymore is another sign. It is horrible, worrisome and devastating but I think that you need to talk to your son and make clear to him your views on the subject of mj. It is especially important because you are battling addiction yourself and addiction is genetic. It may get a lot worst and if you can prevent him from becoming a chronic user, you will have saved yourself a lot of grief.
I feel so much sympathy for you and I wish you a lot of courage. Talk to him.
Lostmom - I am so sorry that this problem has developed. You have been given some really good advice on this site, so I won't repeat it.
But, the speed has me really concerned. And are you fairly certain of what it is?
I am thinking of the legalities of this. Your son needs to be told, of course, that no drugs are allowed in your home. But I am thinking, if the kids are taking this stuff to school and selling it, they are looking at some big time trouble. The laws get stricter when sales are made within so many feet of a school. He needs this spelled out in black and white.
Also, is he in any sports that he has signed a code of conduct for? Some schools are drug testing, now.
Well, Lost, I am sorry that you have become the latest member in our little "club" of Mom's and Dad's. Please visit us at the Parents and Partners Board.
But, the speed has me really concerned. And are you fairly certain of what it is?
I am thinking of the legalities of this. Your son needs to be told, of course, that no drugs are allowed in your home. But I am thinking, if the kids are taking this stuff to school and selling it, they are looking at some big time trouble. The laws get stricter when sales are made within so many feet of a school. He needs this spelled out in black and white.
Also, is he in any sports that he has signed a code of conduct for? Some schools are drug testing, now.
Well, Lost, I am sorry that you have become the latest member in our little "club" of Mom's and Dad's. Please visit us at the Parents and Partners Board.
You need to lay down the rules now. Take action now while he is not 18. You will regret it if you do not. My daughter started on "just pot" and I regret not taking it more seriously. She went on to Oxy and other drugs. Not all go on to more serious drugs but do want to play russian roullette with your sons life?
Thank you all so much for the advice. I don't feel so alone now. I will let you know how things turn out. Thanks again!
