"Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.
On the other hand-and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand-once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules. "
I always wondered why I kept on drinking/drugging when the consequences were getting worse and worse. Every time I set out for a night at the bar I would think that it would be a good time. Towards the end of my drinking days the nights ended with me crying and suicidal or crying and making calls to a suicide hotline. Lots of fun, right? But I kept on thinking it would be different. After reading The Doctor's Opinion in the Big Book I realized that I had a disease. Not just the physical aspect of alcoholism, the "phenomenon of craving" which is when I take a drink my body craves more and more, but also a problem with my thinking. Until I worked the steps with my sponsor I didn't know what needed to be changed in my thinking. That "psychic change" that is written about in the Big Book is essential to an alcoholic's recovery. Until I changed my way of thinking I would continue to drink. The person that I was HAD to drink, the person I am today doesn't.
| QUOTE |
| Not just the physical aspect of alcoholism, the "phenomenon of craving" which is when I take a drink my body craves more and more, but also a problem with my thinking. |
The compulsion to drink (then to pop pills) dominated most all of my waking thoughts. I was either planning, scheming, manipulating, rearranging or under the influence of some sort of chemical for a very long time. It dominated my whole entire life. When I finally quit, that's when I realized I have no idea how to deal with anything. I faked who I was for so very long, I actually had no idea who I was, if that makes any sense. My thinking is still screwed up but at least today I can recognize it and have the tools to change it....
I hope I never forget where I came from...I hope I never forget the 1st time that I realized I made in 20 minutes without the thought or desire to numb myself. I am so very grateful today that obsession/compulsion has been lifted and only in my insanity, would I pick up the 1st one to start that madness all over again. They say it takes what it takes to get clean & sober and to stay clean & sober. Today I know that if I keep doing what I've been doing, keep moving forward and not sitting still, that I don't ever have to go back to that hopeless, helpless, spiritually bankrupt state of mind & body.
You know, Miss Katbird, we're blessed. Such a simple program but it does take willingness.
