HI everyone, hope you're all having a good weekend. I still have stuff do do in both my old and new places but wanted to jump on here and vent a little. I'm still not drinking but I feel like I may as well be. I have this constant feeling that anyday I'm going to just pick up and drink and I'm driving myself crazy b/c part of me wants to just be done with booze but another part keeps denying and making excuses and wants to drink so bad. Last week I had my big blackout to scare me sober but even though I haven't forgotten it the memory is getting fuzzy now and I want a drink more and more. My friends aren't helping, my best friend called me Fri night drunk & wanting me to come over, & he doesn't usually drink much at all, and I was so frickin irritated with him. The I talked to another friend the other night and told her about my concerns about my drinking, it was stupid of me, she is a practicing alcoholic with no plans or desire to quit and laughed it off and told me I was making too big a deal out of it. And another friend, we had dinner last night and then had to go to the ER b/c she cut her hand open, and afterward she kept saying she wanted to get drunk b/c it hurt so bad. I told her that wouldn't help & got her off the idea but at first I almost caved, part of me was just like, "yeah, thats what we should do, get a big bottle of something!" And again this is not a woman who drinks all the time, am I just the go-to girl to get drunk with? Maybe I am. So it keeps getting harder and it's almost all i thnk about anymore, and it's starting to feel hopeless, like I'll never be able to just quit for good, I have zero faith in myself and how can I quit for good if I have no faith in myself? I don't think I can deal with it on my own anymroe, it's too big. All I have is this board. I wish I could go to AA without consequences, but I'm terrified of those consequences. And then I'm terrified of the consequences if I drink. If only I knew SOMEONE, one person here, who was in recovery, I think it would help, but I don't know anyone. I'm sorry to go on like this, but I needed to say all this stuff, my friend Zac here always says to post about it and not keep it in so I'm taking your advice here Zac. I'm not sure theres much advice anyone can offer, I know it's ultimately up to me whether I drink or get help or what, just really needed to get it out. I've gotta go back to my old place and clean some more, Happy Father's Day to Zac and and any other daddies on here (though maybe it's not Father's Day in NZ, but it is here so happy father's day anyway Zac). I will try to check in again later today or else tomorrow, good day to everyone here. Glad you guys are here to listen to me rant...
Hi Ciaobella! Great job on not drinking;) Man, you are going through alot! I had that same problem with my (so-called) friends when i got sober the first time. I am convinced that my best friend tried to sabotage my sobriety because she lost her drinking buddy. She had the nerve to call me up one day after i'd been sober for like 3 months, and asked if i could please be her designated driver, to go to the bar! I said i really wasn't comfortable with going to the bar, and she proceeded to tell me that if i thought i was "above" going out with her that i shouldn't call her anymore. I hadn't called her for like a month before that, and she's the one that called me that day, and i haven't talked to her since. With friends like that i don't need enemies! ( Btw...she got in an accident that night...drinking and driving, and i suppose that is my fault too;( I've heard she's still drinking heavily, and trashes me all the time;( I don't care.
Sorry i'm rambling now, but just don't let anyone get to you. You are doing great, and anytime you need to vent, you go right ahead! Keep up the great work, and stay strong;)
Sorry i'm rambling now, but just don't let anyone get to you. You are doing great, and anytime you need to vent, you go right ahead! Keep up the great work, and stay strong;)
Good job Ciaobella and great post Jayde. I was told early in my recovery that "nothing changes if nothing changes" also, it was suggested that I change my "playground and playmates"....I had those same exact things come up for me during the 20 years I tried to get sober, however the biggest fear was the consequences that would happen at my job...I thought for sure I would lose my job because of certain aspects of it...I thought if they find out I'd be terminated...once I got to the point (when I was desperate enough) and I didn't care if I had a job or not, I only wanted sobriety...I was at the point where I was willing to go to any length to get sober; then it worked for me...and I didn't lose the job, I'll be with the same Corporation for 22 years in September. In fact, I see people from work at meetings now! Some serious about getting sober, some old timers and some on court cards. Also, when people talk trash (I've heard it said around the Program "I speak two languages: English & Trash" ~ lol) they usually would rather you not get sober if they are having problems drinking themselves, at least that's how I use to feel, misery loves company. Hang in there, it gets better, then maybe not so good at times, then indifferent, and on and on....
Thanks for the replies, ladies... the most frustrating thing about my friends - with the exception of the practicing alco; she moved away & we only speak once every few months now - is that neither of them are big drinkers. My best friend is actually the one who has expressed concern about my drinking, it's extremely rare for him to get drunk. And my other friend, who cut her hand, is also a pretty light drinker. I dont hang out with any of my old "drinking buddies" anymore. Had a big falling out with the main one, couldn't deal with her drama anymore, she used her alcoholism as an excuse for everything but of course blamed its root cause on everyone else but herself. So I finally decided that I couldn't be around her anymore, we never spent any sober time together anyway. So anyway that's why it bothered me so much, esp one right after the other like that. I'm still struggling to keep sober, it's not easy, I said somewhere else that I feel kind of dry drunk, thinking and routine haven't changed at all. Jayde, I'm so happy to see that you are doing so much better than you were, keep on staying strong girl! And VW, as always you are an inspiration. I'm thinking of trying to find a meeting that's a ways away, that might work... definitely struggling trying to do it alone. But anyway hope everyone is having a great day, as always I'm thinking of allmy friends here...
Hi ciaobella;) Glad you're doing good. Gosh....maybe you should just take a little break from your friends. Since they're not regular drinkers you'd think they would be a little more kind about drinking alcohol in front of you?! JMHO;)
You are doing great!
(((((CIAOBELLA))))))
P.S It would be great if you could go to a meeting, i see you coming around.....but i don't see any need to drive too far, the only people that will be there are people just like us, and believe me....they will NOT judge.
You are doing great!
(((((CIAOBELLA))))))
P.S It would be great if you could go to a meeting, i see you coming around.....but i don't see any need to drive too far, the only people that will be there are people just like us, and believe me....they will NOT judge.
Hi Ciaobella I just wanted to say I had friends that would come to me to get drunk with coz I had all the men and a lot of people round me coz i used to be the life and soul... I parted ways with them but it still haunts me... especially as I'm still fighting not to drink.
Ciaobella, Remember Step 1: "We admitted we are powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable..." You never have to do this thing alone, none of us do, the Program of AA is a "We" program....it started 71 years ago early in June with one drunk talking to another (Bill W & Dr Bob) and has thrived, grown by millions (millions of recovering alcoholics) and has been very successful in keeping people sober one day at a time.
Thanks again all... I'm trying to stay in the moment, as you told me once VW, and take this one day at a time... I really want to try a meeting but am still afraid. Also keep thinking about the inevitability of admitting my alcoholism to family/friends, that scares me too. I feel like a defective person in a way, and nothing can fix the defect. Does that make sense? Anyway my sister is coming to visit in August and the thought of not having our glass of wine together makes me sad in a way... though I'm concerned about her drinking too, she drinks almost everyday herself, but she lives so far away I cant really keep track of how she's doing. And the thought of telling her I'm an alcoholic makes my stomach turn. Jayde, I think I need to tell my best friend not to call me drunk anymore, like I said it's really rare for him & we're real close so I think he'll understand. Anyway, still dry but craving pretty bad... trying not to think about it too much but that's almost impossible. But so far still OK. Hope all my friends are having a great day...
Hi CB
sorry you're having such a rough time. I found when I was upset with my friend's for drinking it was really myself I was upset with.
The fact that I still hadn't truly accepted that I couldn't drink without serious consequences. Because I hadn't accepted my own alcoholism. Now that I'm accepting my own problem on a deep level, the "normal" drinking of others is bothering me less and less.
About your family and sister, you don't have to tell them the whole deal right away. I know I'm not ready to tackle that with my parents. When I was down there a few weeks ago, it was quite awkward the first night when I refused a drink (because they're so used to me drinking). But I made a point the next day of talking to each of them separately. I told me Mum that it was interfering with my sleep and I just felt better when I didn't drink. Her response was "Oh so its a health thing." I just said "yes" and left it at that.
My Dad I told a bit more too, that I felt like I'd been drinking more than I liked to and wanted to give it a rest for a while. He was very undertsnading. AFter that they didn't pressure me at all.
You can say something like "alcohol has been disagreeing with your system lately." most people wouldn't pressure you if you said something like that.
sorry you're having such a rough time. I found when I was upset with my friend's for drinking it was really myself I was upset with.
The fact that I still hadn't truly accepted that I couldn't drink without serious consequences. Because I hadn't accepted my own alcoholism. Now that I'm accepting my own problem on a deep level, the "normal" drinking of others is bothering me less and less.
About your family and sister, you don't have to tell them the whole deal right away. I know I'm not ready to tackle that with my parents. When I was down there a few weeks ago, it was quite awkward the first night when I refused a drink (because they're so used to me drinking). But I made a point the next day of talking to each of them separately. I told me Mum that it was interfering with my sleep and I just felt better when I didn't drink. Her response was "Oh so its a health thing." I just said "yes" and left it at that.
My Dad I told a bit more too, that I felt like I'd been drinking more than I liked to and wanted to give it a rest for a while. He was very undertsnading. AFter that they didn't pressure me at all.
You can say something like "alcohol has been disagreeing with your system lately." most people wouldn't pressure you if you said something like that.
That's a good idea Idgie, I've actually used the old "trying to cut down on the booze" thing with friends at times (usually after a blackout or hangover). Also reminds me when my sister once told me she wanted to go a week without drinking "just to make sure I can." Of course after the week she went back to cocktail hour every day, she's never really said anything to me but my guess is it's more of an issue for her than people know. We smell our own, right? Esp when it's someone you love. But she lives 2000 miles away & has a husband, a job, and a 6-year-old, so we don't get to talk as much as we'd like.
I guess I know I don't need to tell all just yet, it's just strange, I've been in this weird funk lately, just surly and grouchy and negative and overall p**sed off. I think I'm finishing up with "denial" and heading straight into "anger" haha. I'm trying to snap out of it, stay positive, put on a happy face, etc but it's lingering. If I can keep it together a little longer I think I'll be OK. One day at a time, that's my saving grace these days.
Well, I'm off, my friend just got 2 new kittens and invited me over to see them! And I was supposed to be there 10 minutes ago, oops. If anything can break the funk it's got to be kittens, right?
Wishing a good night/day to all....
I guess I know I don't need to tell all just yet, it's just strange, I've been in this weird funk lately, just surly and grouchy and negative and overall p**sed off. I think I'm finishing up with "denial" and heading straight into "anger" haha. I'm trying to snap out of it, stay positive, put on a happy face, etc but it's lingering. If I can keep it together a little longer I think I'll be OK. One day at a time, that's my saving grace these days.
Well, I'm off, my friend just got 2 new kittens and invited me over to see them! And I was supposed to be there 10 minutes ago, oops. If anything can break the funk it's got to be kittens, right?
Wishing a good night/day to all....
Hey CB
give those kittens a big cuddle from me.
Well maybe if your sister is drinking too much and next time you see her you kind of mention the same thing yourself and that you don't want to drink for a while it could open up a whole new world for you both. Maybe she too is standing there in that horrible place of fear and loneliness and just wishing someone would reach out to her?
If you admitted your difficulty to her maybe it would help her? You never know how these things will work out.
take care
Idgie
give those kittens a big cuddle from me.
Well maybe if your sister is drinking too much and next time you see her you kind of mention the same thing yourself and that you don't want to drink for a while it could open up a whole new world for you both. Maybe she too is standing there in that horrible place of fear and loneliness and just wishing someone would reach out to her?
If you admitted your difficulty to her maybe it would help her? You never know how these things will work out.
take care
Idgie
CB, You'll know when the time is right to tell family and friends and to what extent. It was so liberating to finally admit to my family what was going on...huge freedom for me not to have to be a "secret" any longer, but more people knew than I thought ~ lol, I thought I was such a secret...or people knew something was up with me, they just couldn't pinpoint it. Hope your doing well this Tuesday night.
Hey Ciaobella way to go on the posting as it is getting all your feelings out of your head and into type and also it starts to get the options available thinking going. Try the AA meeting thats away from you as you may just find someone who is able to be in contact with you real easy. Addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful and each time you stop it's legs get cut off so it will try and jump up and bite you in the as* at the moment it's looking for a trampoline because you are getting stronger keep up the posting.
Light and love Zac
Light and love Zac
Idgie, the kittens are SO cute, 2 little brothers with gangly legs & giant paws... I'm not ready for a cat myself but most of my friends have them & I love to play with theirs. I've had that thought about my sister, wondering if she is concerned about her drinking & hiding it like I've been but have never had the cojones to ask her. Maybe I can work up the guts when she visits. She'd probably be the easiest to tell, my brother (who drinks an average of 5 beers a year or so) was married 10 years to a hardcore alco and it definitely left its mark, he hates alcohol abuse and heavy drinkers, too many memories. So he'd be the toughie. I'm not going to worry about it now though, too much else occupying me (like keeping sober). VW, I wonder if people suspect, the fact that most of my family live so far away makes it less likely since they don't spend a lot of time around me, but somehow I doubt they'd be real shocked. But still I guess as you said that I will tell them when I am ready, & will know when that is. It probably will be cathartic in a way, I bet. Zac you are too funny, no trampolines allowed!! Been bitten in the a** way too many times already, still sore haha. Warm wishes to all...
Hey Ciaobella when i try to pre-quess outcomes it is usually something i am worried about and therefore i revert to old habits and think negatively. So try not to worry about your family's response or what they think. Just concentrate on being sober and they will notice the changes. For all you know your brother could be the chairperson for a alanon meeting and if not you may one day help him by mentioning it. As VWG said when times are right with family they present themselves and you can start to trust your intuition on these matters.
I used to sit in AA meetings 10 years ago saying my brother in Auzzy was a hopeless case Alky on metho in train stations in Sydney or somewhere meanwhile He was sitting in AA meetings saying my family won't want to know me because of the past at the same time and we are still both sober and love each other so let go and let God and keep up the good work.
Light and love Zac
I used to sit in AA meetings 10 years ago saying my brother in Auzzy was a hopeless case Alky on metho in train stations in Sydney or somewhere meanwhile He was sitting in AA meetings saying my family won't want to know me because of the past at the same time and we are still both sober and love each other so let go and let God and keep up the good work.
Light and love Zac
Hi CB, I use to "drunk" dial...I actually would write down what I was talking about on the phone on post-it notes and put them by the phone to try to remember who I talked to and what I said...when I came to in the morning. I'm sure the people I phoned knew something was up with me!
VWgirl, you made me laugh LOLOLOLOLOLOL I used to do that all the time!!! but I wasn't smart like you and wouldn't write anything down, so I would talk to these people a couple of days later and have NO recollection of speaking to them, or if I did the conversation was very blurred!! wow don't miss that at all!!!! I'm sure they all knew I was hammed! made such a fool out of myself on numerous occasions!!
CB, I have changed who I hang around with, like you I had a drinking buddy, when we were together all we did was drink, no sober fun things just get looped, and yep I got sick of her drama as well, we had a falling out about 6 months ago, and I will never speak to her again, once I seen her through sober eyes I seen what kind of person she really was. And I think that it is harder to hang with people who drink occasionally because if your like me you wish you could be like that, then you start thinking you are, and then BANG you are back to where you started from. it's a real b**ch isn't it! I've kinda turned into a workaholic, which is getting hard in it's own way, but I'm looking for that balance, now with summer here I'm changing my views on alot of things. I wish you all the best my friend.
Lots of love,
lovedove
CB, I have changed who I hang around with, like you I had a drinking buddy, when we were together all we did was drink, no sober fun things just get looped, and yep I got sick of her drama as well, we had a falling out about 6 months ago, and I will never speak to her again, once I seen her through sober eyes I seen what kind of person she really was. And I think that it is harder to hang with people who drink occasionally because if your like me you wish you could be like that, then you start thinking you are, and then BANG you are back to where you started from. it's a real b**ch isn't it! I've kinda turned into a workaholic, which is getting hard in it's own way, but I'm looking for that balance, now with summer here I'm changing my views on alot of things. I wish you all the best my friend.
Lots of love,
lovedove
Morning all... Zac it IS something I'm worried about but I realize that I'm at this point looking for things to worry or stress about, I'm one of those people who doesn't seem to feel right without something to be anxious about. Stupid I know but I've always been that way, don't trust when things all seem right. I've put it at the back of my mind, theres no reason to worry about it right now. Heck, my bro and I don't have the best relationship anyway b/c we're so alike in so many frustrating ways. VW, I wish I had written down what I said to my friend during that big blackout last week, I have no idea how our conversation ended, I know at one point we were arguing but my memory is blank after the middle of our conversation. I haven't seen her in a while but she has, by and large, been a good friend to me, helped me through some rough stuff. So I hope at least that we hung up on good terms. I've been afraid to call her to find out. LD it's great to see you back!! How are things?? Yeah my boozing buddy was the most melodramatic, self-centered person I've ever met. Blamed everyone in the world but herself for her problems - parents, boyfriend, boss, friends, coworkers, everyone. And couldn't have a conversation that wasn't about herself. It got old. Now I cant imagine hanging out with her again. My light-drinking friends... yeah, it's frustrating & I'm envious, but overall it's better. At least they're not pushing me to get loaded every night, right?
Hi Ciaobella;) How are you doing today? Did you get all settled in at your new place? Hope things are good!
Have a good day!
Have a good day!
Hi Jayde, settling into the new place slowly but surely... I hate unpacking (and love procrastination, haha) so I'm doing it in increments. But coming along, thanks for asking. How are you doing today?
