I'm sitting here and need some oppinions.
Im talking with some friends right now and the subjuect came up about familys and addiction................ would you guys raise your kids knowing what you went throgh.....would you if (my age 20) and no kids , envolve them in your recovory "futur" i personaly think that i would, that i would want my family there for me to support me in my sobriety dates and mile markers.........am i just way alone and twisted thinking this way that i would want that or.............. what.
need some oppinions thanks guys
pants
its a blessing to have a family to share your addiction and recovery with......
the support from a loving famliy can do wonders......
((((((((((((((((((((pants))))))))))))))))))
love
thumper
the support from a loving famliy can do wonders......
((((((((((((((((((((pants))))))))))))))))))
love
thumper
........................thanks thumps......................
this argumnt its kicken the s*** out of me!!!
Pants
this argumnt its kicken the s*** out of me!!!
Pants
awww...honey...dont argue about it..........LOL
tell them..........who cares....... just believe what you believe in your heart.........
just like jeffery says......
if it doesn't apply let it FLY.................
right......
*smile*hugs*
tell them..........who cares....... just believe what you believe in your heart.........
just like jeffery says......
if it doesn't apply let it FLY.................
right......
*smile*hugs*
thanks that was good advice!!!!!
how goes it thought chicka?
pants
how goes it thought chicka?
pants
aw man... i am all pooped out from work...........
and i did not work 12 straight days like you.......whoo wee
i bet your glad to be home aren't you..........
its getting late and i am going to get some sleep.......
have a goos night.......
hope to see ya in the goos.
thumper
and i did not work 12 straight days like you.......whoo wee
i bet your glad to be home aren't you..........
its getting late and i am going to get some sleep.......
have a goos night.......
hope to see ya in the goos.
thumper
YUP IM BEAT TO............ I GOT OFF NOT TO LONG AGO..................
SLEEP WELL. . . . . SEE YOU IN THE AM
PANTS
SLEEP WELL. . . . . SEE YOU IN THE AM
PANTS
My kids are 11 and 12 years old
No hypothetical for me .... my reality is yes they do know .....
I use it as a great way to talk about addiction in its many forms .... especially since I feel that the "drug & addiction education" they get in school tends to mostly portray illicit substances .... not much emphasis in Rx abuse and alcohol ..... Bad IMO cause those are much more abused in general, expecially among young people ....
So I show my kids that an addict is not a crack abusing homeless person, which was what I pictured in the past.
Also show them that addicts are not BAD people, just SICK people ....
AND that addiction knows no boundaries
All I can do now is pray that they can learn without living thru it .....
But if they do end up using, I've also shown them that there is a way out .... and I will always be available as long as they are willing to help themselves also
I do and did... even my now nine year old knows it all... the arrest, has gone to meetings with me even from the beginning (as she is very well behaved thank God) and she understands that this is a DISEASE not a moral defect... she understands that everyone makes mistakes and has battles seen or unseen and it usually is the test of how the recover or attempt to recover that is the proof so to speak of what the person is made of.... I think, though it was difficult for me from a shame level, it is important for her to see these things now... maybe she wont make the same mistakes.... plus she will enter society as an adult without the negative stereotypes and judgments that plague us all today...
as for your question... absolutely.... again this is a disease and once clean and clear headed it is within your control to pick up again.... this disease knows no boundaries, rich poor, black white, fat thin, famous plain, man woman, college grad or high school dropout.... we can only change the face of addiction to the general public when we come out of the closet without shame or fear...
Again as hard as my road has been, if my experience and sharing it with everyone instead of hiding changes just one persons idea of what an addict is or isnt and they come away with a little more compassion and less judgment all the difficulty will have had some meaning... otherwise my suffering in my mind is/was all in vain....
teresa
as for your question... absolutely.... again this is a disease and once clean and clear headed it is within your control to pick up again.... this disease knows no boundaries, rich poor, black white, fat thin, famous plain, man woman, college grad or high school dropout.... we can only change the face of addiction to the general public when we come out of the closet without shame or fear...
Again as hard as my road has been, if my experience and sharing it with everyone instead of hiding changes just one persons idea of what an addict is or isnt and they come away with a little more compassion and less judgment all the difficulty will have had some meaning... otherwise my suffering in my mind is/was all in vain....
teresa
Not sure what you're asking...are you asking, would you at 20 have children and bring them into the world where you then would share your addiction with them?
I have 3 boys and they have known about my addiction since the day I went into treatment. I have been honest with them to a point, every step of the way. Family support is crucial. In fact, without it, you don't stand much of a chance.
I have 3 boys and they have known about my addiction since the day I went into treatment. I have been honest with them to a point, every step of the way. Family support is crucial. In fact, without it, you don't stand much of a chance.
Cowgirl............ my question was just a far far away futur one. The friend i was with just had a son and is a recovoring addict and we were talking about , them growing up wiht addicts for parents and he was all for the fact that he should hide it from his kids for the rest of his life............. and i was disagreeing. My question bassically got answered by the other twos answers, i just wanted to know if you would envolve your children (born ) or (unborn) into your recovory, instead of just hide it from them. The guy, who obviously doesnt get it yet, thinks that you after a point in time become cured.
I personaly wouldnt want anyone more than my children and spouce(assuming i get re marrid and have kids) to be there by my side and supporting me and giving me credit for the battles i have had to go through. I wouldnt have them come with me all the time, but i would deffinitlylike to share what i do, to stay clean. And like posted above...........show them their is a way out if they use , or .........that a addict is a sick individual just like a cancer patinet, it is a disease and there is no particular steriotype for one any way you look at it. We have no controll over wheither they use or not.......but we do have controll in how we edgucate them.......................
hope that made a little more sence, i was a little frazzled last night to go into grave detal.
Pants
I personaly wouldnt want anyone more than my children and spouce(assuming i get re marrid and have kids) to be there by my side and supporting me and giving me credit for the battles i have had to go through. I wouldnt have them come with me all the time, but i would deffinitlylike to share what i do, to stay clean. And like posted above...........show them their is a way out if they use , or .........that a addict is a sick individual just like a cancer patinet, it is a disease and there is no particular steriotype for one any way you look at it. We have no controll over wheither they use or not.......but we do have controll in how we edgucate them.......................
hope that made a little more sence, i was a little frazzled last night to go into grave detal.
Pants
Soberpants,
I would NOT involve my children. My older family member's and friend's, YES! My children NO. Once my children are older OR I think there is a reason to share then I will. I am NOT saying my way is the right way it is a choice I have made. I couldn't imagine sitting down with my 8 year old son talking about addiction. I couldn't imagine taking my son to a meeting with me either ( if I were to go). I am not saying that your wrong for doing that Teresa/Swizzle but it's just not something I would do.
I think it's good if your children can understand it and that is your choice as a parent. Every child is different when it comes to what you can talk about and what they will comprehend.
I have a daughter that will be 16 in May. She knows I have used drugs in the past. Believe me she knows better, my mother has filled her in a little. She doesn't know all the drugs I have used nor is it ANY OF HER BUSINESS. There are things in my past I would rather not tell my children and not just where drugs are concerned. There are just some things in my opinion that I don't want to share and I am not going to. It is a personal choice. Every parent has that right. There is no right or wrong way. You do what works for you and your children, period.
My oldest daughter is a good girl for the most part. I am thankful she didnt follow in my footsteps. I was pregnant with her at 16. So she knows I wasn't innocent at her age.
She has a job, she has a good group of friend's and a GPA of 3.72 in the 10th grade. If I thought for one second that my story would/could benefit her then I would tell her.
At this point in our life, I do NOT. I may change my mind.
To each his own.
Nice seeing you post Teresa. Long time no see:-0) Hope all is well.
Rae
I would NOT involve my children. My older family member's and friend's, YES! My children NO. Once my children are older OR I think there is a reason to share then I will. I am NOT saying my way is the right way it is a choice I have made. I couldn't imagine sitting down with my 8 year old son talking about addiction. I couldn't imagine taking my son to a meeting with me either ( if I were to go). I am not saying that your wrong for doing that Teresa/Swizzle but it's just not something I would do.
I think it's good if your children can understand it and that is your choice as a parent. Every child is different when it comes to what you can talk about and what they will comprehend.
I have a daughter that will be 16 in May. She knows I have used drugs in the past. Believe me she knows better, my mother has filled her in a little. She doesn't know all the drugs I have used nor is it ANY OF HER BUSINESS. There are things in my past I would rather not tell my children and not just where drugs are concerned. There are just some things in my opinion that I don't want to share and I am not going to. It is a personal choice. Every parent has that right. There is no right or wrong way. You do what works for you and your children, period.
My oldest daughter is a good girl for the most part. I am thankful she didnt follow in my footsteps. I was pregnant with her at 16. So she knows I wasn't innocent at her age.
She has a job, she has a good group of friend's and a GPA of 3.72 in the 10th grade. If I thought for one second that my story would/could benefit her then I would tell her.
At this point in our life, I do NOT. I may change my mind.
To each his own.
Nice seeing you post Teresa. Long time no see:-0) Hope all is well.
Rae
Pants
my daughter is almost 2 and a half, and I can't see myself telling her any time soon.
When she gets older,...like 17-18?? and what i have been through can help her...sure, we'll talk. but i see no point when they're so young.
I see no point putting grown up problems on My child. She's already over concerned and she's only a toddler, i can't imagine if she's 5 or more...mommy? you're a what?? lol.
JMO.
Like rae said, my mind could change, but it would/will be for a good reason.
stac
my daughter is almost 2 and a half, and I can't see myself telling her any time soon.
When she gets older,...like 17-18?? and what i have been through can help her...sure, we'll talk. but i see no point when they're so young.
I see no point putting grown up problems on My child. She's already over concerned and she's only a toddler, i can't imagine if she's 5 or more...mommy? you're a what?? lol.
JMO.
Like rae said, my mind could change, but it would/will be for a good reason.
stac
Sober you will learn this if you have kids "THERE ALL DIFFERENT" I have been around my daughter and her friends. My daughter is 16. She is quite intelligent obviously being MY daughter and very mature.
She asked a question about Pot and beer at 13 . I sat her down and told her what happened to her father. I explained the disease. She at 16 is more educated than any of her friends.
Has she tried pot? Yes Loves her body to much and hates smokers. Did not like pot
She has experimented with alcohol and reality is she will do as she wants.I trust her.,She says her friends do not use drugs. One is anorexic. She has asked me for help on more than one occasion. My daughter helped her friend by what she learned about my disease. That is very cool.
I am more concerned with her getting in a car with someone who may be on something and not telling. That's in god's hands. She would never get in a car witr ha messedup driver. My Ex does a lot of extra driving Give my EX ALOT OF CREDIT we disagree about things but she is a great Mom and her NEW HUSBAND is Awesome. I lucked out big time.
That's my worst fear. She has a $20 for a cab and has called my EX late wasted once.
I was proud of her. She got grounded but well she is cool.
I shared some very personal things with my daughter basically telling her my story. She understands that there is addiction in our family.
She asked a question about Pot and beer at 13 . I sat her down and told her what happened to her father. I explained the disease. She at 16 is more educated than any of her friends.
Has she tried pot? Yes Loves her body to much and hates smokers. Did not like pot
She has experimented with alcohol and reality is she will do as she wants.I trust her.,She says her friends do not use drugs. One is anorexic. She has asked me for help on more than one occasion. My daughter helped her friend by what she learned about my disease. That is very cool.
I am more concerned with her getting in a car with someone who may be on something and not telling. That's in god's hands. She would never get in a car witr ha messedup driver. My Ex does a lot of extra driving Give my EX ALOT OF CREDIT we disagree about things but she is a great Mom and her NEW HUSBAND is Awesome. I lucked out big time.
That's my worst fear. She has a $20 for a cab and has called my EX late wasted once.
I was proud of her. She got grounded but well she is cool.
I shared some very personal things with my daughter basically telling her my story. She understands that there is addiction in our family.
Thank you for sharing that Jeff.....I found a lot of similarities with our children...
I share with my children the solution I found that works for me. My children have never seen me drink but have always known I don't drink because I am an alcoholic. I never thought not to tell them as I was raised in an alcoholic family and watched my Dad stop drinking & go to AA, so he shared with me his solution and it was never a big deal...My kids were blessed not having alcohol around the home but that won't stop them from experimenting with alcohol and drugs as unfortunately, they have to go to school and it is overwhelming the amounts and types of drugs at the high schools these days.....
I had to explain to my younger three children what addiction is, how it happens, what to watch out for and I did explain that prescription drugs are just as deadly as street drugs....Selling vicoden is school is the new "in" thing so I am trying to be the best example I can for my children so if they are alcoholic/addicts, they can see it's okay and there is a solution....And my oldest child, who is an alcoholic/addict, I'm saving him a seat and praying for him daily....
Teresa,
Thanks for your share....I remember a year or more ago, I asked you a question similar and I used your suggestion and verbage to help tell my kids....It did help knowing another mother had shared about pill addiction and gave me the courage to do so...
******My children are a bit older, so I shared from where I am today in my recovery...had they been younger and not exposed to drugs/alcohol in society, I may have waited to tell them, I don't know but it's dangerous out in the teenage world and I feel better by sharing with them and educating them...***********
Take care,
Stacey
I share with my children the solution I found that works for me. My children have never seen me drink but have always known I don't drink because I am an alcoholic. I never thought not to tell them as I was raised in an alcoholic family and watched my Dad stop drinking & go to AA, so he shared with me his solution and it was never a big deal...My kids were blessed not having alcohol around the home but that won't stop them from experimenting with alcohol and drugs as unfortunately, they have to go to school and it is overwhelming the amounts and types of drugs at the high schools these days.....
I had to explain to my younger three children what addiction is, how it happens, what to watch out for and I did explain that prescription drugs are just as deadly as street drugs....Selling vicoden is school is the new "in" thing so I am trying to be the best example I can for my children so if they are alcoholic/addicts, they can see it's okay and there is a solution....And my oldest child, who is an alcoholic/addict, I'm saving him a seat and praying for him daily....
Teresa,
Thanks for your share....I remember a year or more ago, I asked you a question similar and I used your suggestion and verbage to help tell my kids....It did help knowing another mother had shared about pill addiction and gave me the courage to do so...
******My children are a bit older, so I shared from where I am today in my recovery...had they been younger and not exposed to drugs/alcohol in society, I may have waited to tell them, I don't know but it's dangerous out in the teenage world and I feel better by sharing with them and educating them...***********
Take care,
Stacey
I haven't involved my children in my recovery, although I've been honest with them -- without the details -- as to why I don't drink and why that extends to all drugs. It isn't about shame for me, I don't think. In my head, I've always viewed both my addiction and my recovery as my responsibility and mine alone, probably to a fault. Maybe it is a bit in reaction to my relationship with my father's unsuccessful recovery before he died -- I became more like the parent, and like many of us, went through the emotional ups and downs as he went from 12-step rehab program, to 1/2-way house, to detox, to Veteran's hospital rehab, to 1/2 way house, etc., for 10 years.
Anyway, I honestly don't think there's a right or wrong way. So far neither of my teenagers (16 and 18) does drugs, and only the 18-year old occasionally drinks with friends on wkds (not to excess from what we can tell when she gets in). I do think it helps to have grown up in a household without booze, but I also think it helps that they see their mother drink responsibly. I admire Teresa and others for the path they've taken with their children, even if it differs from my own.
I think most of our kids will have to deal with addiction in one form or another during their lifetime, regardless of our parenting choice to involve or not involve them in our recovery. I hope we're all clean and sober when that time comes, so we can be there for them .
Anyway, I honestly don't think there's a right or wrong way. So far neither of my teenagers (16 and 18) does drugs, and only the 18-year old occasionally drinks with friends on wkds (not to excess from what we can tell when she gets in). I do think it helps to have grown up in a household without booze, but I also think it helps that they see their mother drink responsibly. I admire Teresa and others for the path they've taken with their children, even if it differs from my own.
I think most of our kids will have to deal with addiction in one form or another during their lifetime, regardless of our parenting choice to involve or not involve them in our recovery. I hope we're all clean and sober when that time comes, so we can be there for them .
I agree that everyone is different and there is no right answer.
For myself, I felt it best to be honest with my kids ... of course I did not go into every detail, but I did not want to lie to them to explain my absense when I was in detox and also when I go to meetings ... they are told where I am at and why, then I let them lead the conversations and ask questions for discussion.
Both of my kids came to visit me several times when I was in detox. I was there for a month and would have been VERY depressed had I not been able to see them at all for that long. It really was a good experience for all of us!!
It is a sad reality but prescription drugs are becoming more and more common with kids (adults too) and I want my kids to know that they are just as dangerous as cocaine, heroin, etc.
I also wanted them to know that I began taking pain meds for legit pain yet it lead me down a road where I needed to reach out for help to get off.
I was embarassed and full of shame, petrified to tell my family, but today I am so grateful because I now have their support .... plus my kids respect me and have been shown by my example to ask for help and not be afraid to do so.
My 23 and 21 year old daughter know about my addiction. They figured it out before I did. I have sat down and talked to them about it but like others I didn't tell them everything. Some things are better left unsaid. They are just happy that I am clean right now. As far as my 15 and 12 year old I know they have seen and heard things in our household and know I go to counseling and if they ask about it I would have no problem discussing it with them but until they do I don't feel they need to be subjected to it. Shantel
Rae, I agree with you. My daughter is also in the 10th grade, has a job, honors student. The same with my son he is 7th grade and is a honor student. I just don't feel they need to know. What purpose would it serve? I would however discuss it with them if they asked or if I felt they were in trouble with drugs then I would share my experience with them. I just feel in society today children have to much to deal with i.e. peer pressure etc. why burden with my problems. Shantel
This has been such a good thread... a welcome change from some that I have read recently though I am not here as often as I would like now.. Rae thanks for asking bout me.... I mean that. Things have been very rough lately for me not recovery per se but life changes and stress... prospect of new step kids, new home, ect... job sucks and I think that my boss is have substance issues as well... I get confronted daily by strangers asking this of me too... anyway... other than that... things are great!!!! lol
one thing that I wanted to add to my post after hearing some of the replies is first... I learned early on that though we dont want to realize it... very young even three year olds hear words like drugs, addicts, drunks, ect... and start to form opinions usually patterned after those that they hear it from and in the context of hearing it... if it is a tv show where they are made villians then they become villians not sick people... I dont share at least I havent shared any 'drunkalogs' with my kid... when she has questions I answer then in the way she can process.... I grew up with the classic 'white elephant in the room' no body talked about dads drinking, or dads abuse.... this made it seem more and more like my fault and in my control.... it wasnt but it felt like that then as a child and those effects follow me today.... I want my kid to know that she was not the 'cause' or she cant do or not do anything to control my disease....
I dont 'put my disease on her' but my definition of family is trusting, loving mostly unconditional to a degree, giving and recieving understanding... If I could have waited I would have a little but my ex took care of the gory details while I was in detox.... nonetheless, she and I have a trust and bond that I am soo blessed to have... tomorrow things might change..
and lastly... most of the communication I have with her about my addiction now comes from a place where I am totally clean and in recovery for a long period of time.... free from most of the guilt that often clouds or even creates its own answers... I can be empathetic in my answers but not looking for something from her like her approval... it is what it is... there was a time in which i would have said some things to her to get her to love me more to ease my guilt.. now I dont function like that....
I do think deep in my heart the day will come when they will further find a very strong genetic link to addiction/alcoholism as well as the role that dyfunction in a home plays... I firmly believe that our children have a right to know about our medical history including addiction just like breast cancer or diabetes or heart disease... this could very much effect their futures too... May not prevent it... I certainly knew but..... anyway..
have a great day all...
Teresa
one thing that I wanted to add to my post after hearing some of the replies is first... I learned early on that though we dont want to realize it... very young even three year olds hear words like drugs, addicts, drunks, ect... and start to form opinions usually patterned after those that they hear it from and in the context of hearing it... if it is a tv show where they are made villians then they become villians not sick people... I dont share at least I havent shared any 'drunkalogs' with my kid... when she has questions I answer then in the way she can process.... I grew up with the classic 'white elephant in the room' no body talked about dads drinking, or dads abuse.... this made it seem more and more like my fault and in my control.... it wasnt but it felt like that then as a child and those effects follow me today.... I want my kid to know that she was not the 'cause' or she cant do or not do anything to control my disease....
I dont 'put my disease on her' but my definition of family is trusting, loving mostly unconditional to a degree, giving and recieving understanding... If I could have waited I would have a little but my ex took care of the gory details while I was in detox.... nonetheless, she and I have a trust and bond that I am soo blessed to have... tomorrow things might change..
and lastly... most of the communication I have with her about my addiction now comes from a place where I am totally clean and in recovery for a long period of time.... free from most of the guilt that often clouds or even creates its own answers... I can be empathetic in my answers but not looking for something from her like her approval... it is what it is... there was a time in which i would have said some things to her to get her to love me more to ease my guilt.. now I dont function like that....
I do think deep in my heart the day will come when they will further find a very strong genetic link to addiction/alcoholism as well as the role that dyfunction in a home plays... I firmly believe that our children have a right to know about our medical history including addiction just like breast cancer or diabetes or heart disease... this could very much effect their futures too... May not prevent it... I certainly knew but..... anyway..
have a great day all...
Teresa
