Well, what an odd day.
I had been invited to my cousins daughters first birthday party. Of course it should be a cause for celebration, but with my baggage it has been anything but!!
Firstly - the mental turbulence of do I, don't I go went on for a few days which in itself is ridiculous. The many and varied reasons not to go took precedence, but it seemed so damned self centred. It isn't about me, it is about a babies first birthday party.
Of course, the booze question entered my head. Will everyone be drinking, could I cope with that? Would they really be getting hammered at a babies afternoon party - I don't think so, that's just my sad alcohol brain.
Anyway, at the last minute I decided to go! Wahey!! Jumped in the bath, smartened myself up a bit. Went and bought some flowers for the babe and her mom, got in the car and off I went.
Great except for my relentless stupid head and my immense lack of confidence. I didn't know whether I could actually go through with it believe it or not. When I arrived,there were several cars there. I just got the horrors; I don't know who is there, I can't walk into a room of people, I just can't do it - and I drove straight past, desperatley trying not to cry at my complete inadequacy.
I am so self absorbed, and scared that I can't even go to a first birthday party - hence the title of the post - gosh.
I am quite surprised that this is how much confidence I don't have. It is easy to think you are doing ok when you keep your little insular life going, but when 'I'
am such an obstacle to someone elses celebration of life that is naff.
Of course as I was driving away alcohol puts its image in my head and kindly told me to have a bit of dutch courage. Fortunatley the temptation didn't last long. I am trying not to beat myself up about it or feel too useless although the thoughts are there and are trying to undermine me.
I think I needed to post this to just get it out, and hopefully I can just get on with the day, but it's crap. I wanted to see her.
Next time, maybe ask your Higher Power for a little help? If you're gonna let go, you gotta do it all the way...
He'll/She'll/They'll catch you.
He'll/She'll/They'll catch you.
Lacey, I got like that in early sobriety...but it does get better. I was taught that I don't go to slippery places, but understandbly alot of us have family & friends who still drink. I can go now where drinking is going on and not have that obsession and craving set up for me. What helped me was to take another member of AA with me and always take God with me.
Lacey, I'm not sure that going to a birthday party is a simple as it seems at first glance. These situations (probably) bring back memories of life threatening experiences.
For you, alcohol is a threat to your well being. It is not selfish or self-centered to be concerned with your own survival and well being. One step at a time, its not a race... So you are not ready to step into a party situation yet. Don't beat your self up about it, build up to it.
I have the same fears, one thing I have done is show up late so that if I don't have to stay long before others are starting to leave which makes it easy for me to sneak out if I want to.
Take care of yourself..
love, Cookster
p.s. I did get some earl gray tea and I am enjoying it!
For you, alcohol is a threat to your well being. It is not selfish or self-centered to be concerned with your own survival and well being. One step at a time, its not a race... So you are not ready to step into a party situation yet. Don't beat your self up about it, build up to it.
I have the same fears, one thing I have done is show up late so that if I don't have to stay long before others are starting to leave which makes it easy for me to sneak out if I want to.
Take care of yourself..
love, Cookster
p.s. I did get some earl gray tea and I am enjoying it!
Gidday Lacey
What I think other people think of me or how i think they judge me is none of my buisness. Easy to type bloody hard to believe in my head at times.
When i first of all got into recovery i would s***e bricks for days before i had to go and get the groceries and on the day i would be panicing and as i was paying all i could think of was how iwas affecting everyones day by being so slow.......Then i realised the world doesnt revolve around me, i do not affect the weather and i have to grin and bear it because no one else was going to do it.
Im not saying this is what you are doing, this is an example of how low my self esteem was without my alcohol cuddly. Now i love doing the groceries and i chat and yak and if it takes 2 hours, great ..and if the lady at check out chats a lot, sweet as.
This didnt happen over night and going to events gave me just as much bother, although i now have the choice to stay or go and if i go into my head about what i think people are thinking i just laugh at myself in my head and acknowledge the fact that it was this thinking that got me drinking all those years ago.
Hey Lacey take it in small steps try going to things and if you can suss out who will be there or as suggested take someone with that you trust and they arent there to rescue you they are there as a visual support when needed because the more you can do the better and remember your higher power is always there and as was said in other posts trust in your faith and also in yourself.
It will get better and better
Light and love Zac
What I think other people think of me or how i think they judge me is none of my buisness. Easy to type bloody hard to believe in my head at times.
When i first of all got into recovery i would s***e bricks for days before i had to go and get the groceries and on the day i would be panicing and as i was paying all i could think of was how iwas affecting everyones day by being so slow.......Then i realised the world doesnt revolve around me, i do not affect the weather and i have to grin and bear it because no one else was going to do it.
Im not saying this is what you are doing, this is an example of how low my self esteem was without my alcohol cuddly. Now i love doing the groceries and i chat and yak and if it takes 2 hours, great ..and if the lady at check out chats a lot, sweet as.
This didnt happen over night and going to events gave me just as much bother, although i now have the choice to stay or go and if i go into my head about what i think people are thinking i just laugh at myself in my head and acknowledge the fact that it was this thinking that got me drinking all those years ago.
Hey Lacey take it in small steps try going to things and if you can suss out who will be there or as suggested take someone with that you trust and they arent there to rescue you they are there as a visual support when needed because the more you can do the better and remember your higher power is always there and as was said in other posts trust in your faith and also in yourself.
It will get better and better
Light and love Zac
Thankyou guys.
Had a grim few days there, felt like hiding away because I felt like a prat!
I did want to thank you for your responses though, but just didn't know what to say really. So, thankyou, it is very useful to have this board where people understand your weirdness!!
Had a grim few days there, felt like hiding away because I felt like a prat!
I did want to thank you for your responses though, but just didn't know what to say really. So, thankyou, it is very useful to have this board where people understand your weirdness!!
