Hey Gracie:
I read on Thumper's thread that you are doing well with your recovery, yet feeling blue and emotional.
I just wanted you to know that the operative word there is "feeling".
Sometimes, I think it is just a "bad day"...but with the grace of God, it is only a day. Keep making the next right choice and things tend to work themselves out. I am out here, taking a break from my writing if you need to talk.
I am really happy for your, what is it, like 12 days???? (I am sorry, I don't keep up with days very well!)
Whatever it is, what you are doing is tremendous. Give yourself a big pat on the back and keep moving forward.
Peace.
Sarah
Sarah,
Thank you for the words of encouragement. It is Day 8. Are these the feelings that I have always had and just masked them with pills and are just beginning to surface now? Are they more acute because of psychological and emotional changes caused by the pills.
Your story seems similiar to mine because if I remember correctly, you quit CT too.
And actually, I am having a hard time remembering anything. I went to the store and forgot my checkbook, couldn't remember what ailes had the things I needed, and I left my deli order on the counter - someone went looking for me to give me the items I had just ordered and left.
And I can't stop crying? Was this what it was like for you? Gracie
Thank you for the words of encouragement. It is Day 8. Are these the feelings that I have always had and just masked them with pills and are just beginning to surface now? Are they more acute because of psychological and emotional changes caused by the pills.
Your story seems similiar to mine because if I remember correctly, you quit CT too.
And actually, I am having a hard time remembering anything. I went to the store and forgot my checkbook, couldn't remember what ailes had the things I needed, and I left my deli order on the counter - someone went looking for me to give me the items I had just ordered and left.
And I can't stop crying? Was this what it was like for you? Gracie
Hey Gracie,
I bumped a thread Tim posted that explains a little of what our brains go through when we come off opiates.
Congratulations! You've made it over a week. That's huge. I remember vaguely a rollercoaster of emotions in the very early days, and almost continual anxiety. I felt like my nervous system was having an attack of pins-and-needles after being asleep for a very long time.
Try not to beat yourself up for being distracted this early in the game. Your body's going through big changes and it's great that you're making it to the grocery store at all.
I've got to run right now, but feel free to email me at ke_gina@hotmail.com.
Hang in there. You're doing beautifully.
Hey there Sarah! How was the wedding? YGM.
Love,
Gina
I bumped a thread Tim posted that explains a little of what our brains go through when we come off opiates.
Congratulations! You've made it over a week. That's huge. I remember vaguely a rollercoaster of emotions in the very early days, and almost continual anxiety. I felt like my nervous system was having an attack of pins-and-needles after being asleep for a very long time.
Try not to beat yourself up for being distracted this early in the game. Your body's going through big changes and it's great that you're making it to the grocery store at all.
I've got to run right now, but feel free to email me at ke_gina@hotmail.com.
Hang in there. You're doing beautifully.
Hey there Sarah! How was the wedding? YGM.
Love,
Gina
Thank you
Gracie,
If it helps any I am experiencing the same things, especially the crying. It's like my brain has been turned off for so long and now all of a sudden I am noticing how much I didn't notice or pay attention to over the last couple of years. I do think we are going to be okay though, and I will be praying for you.
Shelly
If it helps any I am experiencing the same things, especially the crying. It's like my brain has been turned off for so long and now all of a sudden I am noticing how much I didn't notice or pay attention to over the last couple of years. I do think we are going to be okay though, and I will be praying for you.
Shelly
Gracie, it's pretty common and the fog will lift...
Good job.
Good job.
Shelly and Gracie,
You both are just so early into recovery. I mean my god, you have just weeks and days. Those are the absolute hardest days to get past and I can relate to how long they seem. I thought each day felt like it was a week!
The lack of sleep plays a huge part in this...you literally feel every second tick away. It's torturous...that feeling I will never forget.
Every single person that was ever addicted to opiates felt the exact same way. The good new is...you have made it past those unbelievably long days and nights. I think its safe to say that for the most part all the "drugs" are out of your system.
Now is where the real recovery begins. You are so flooded with emotions because the pills were indeed numbing any emotion that you would have normally had...the good ones and now the bad ones.
Just try to focus on what you are feeling and go with it...it will be so amazing when you hear yourself laugh out loud...a real laugh...for the time in ages! That feeling is indescribable...of course you are going to start to feel all the other emotions that weren't so pleasant to begin with...the sadness...oh my sometimes so unbearable. This is also a good sign that your brain and body is reverting to a "normal" state.
I can't emphasize enough how important it is to have a really good f2f support system now. Whatever it may be. Please seek out some outside help. It will be so powerful for you.
I just can't thank you enough for sharing your journey here, its so important for others that are terrified of taking that first step to see how it is done.
Congratulations ladies...you are on your way!!
**Sarah...how are you? Its been ages since I have seen you post, its so good to see a friendly face. (well maybe not face but words) I hope all is going well...its coming up on a year for you isn't it. June 12? I will always remember what a powerhouse you were for me...a mere 10 days behind you. What an inspiration you are! It's so good to see you!**
You both are just so early into recovery. I mean my god, you have just weeks and days. Those are the absolute hardest days to get past and I can relate to how long they seem. I thought each day felt like it was a week!
The lack of sleep plays a huge part in this...you literally feel every second tick away. It's torturous...that feeling I will never forget.
Every single person that was ever addicted to opiates felt the exact same way. The good new is...you have made it past those unbelievably long days and nights. I think its safe to say that for the most part all the "drugs" are out of your system.
Now is where the real recovery begins. You are so flooded with emotions because the pills were indeed numbing any emotion that you would have normally had...the good ones and now the bad ones.
Just try to focus on what you are feeling and go with it...it will be so amazing when you hear yourself laugh out loud...a real laugh...for the time in ages! That feeling is indescribable...of course you are going to start to feel all the other emotions that weren't so pleasant to begin with...the sadness...oh my sometimes so unbearable. This is also a good sign that your brain and body is reverting to a "normal" state.
I can't emphasize enough how important it is to have a really good f2f support system now. Whatever it may be. Please seek out some outside help. It will be so powerful for you.
I just can't thank you enough for sharing your journey here, its so important for others that are terrified of taking that first step to see how it is done.
Congratulations ladies...you are on your way!!
**Sarah...how are you? Its been ages since I have seen you post, its so good to see a friendly face. (well maybe not face but words) I hope all is going well...its coming up on a year for you isn't it. June 12? I will always remember what a powerhouse you were for me...a mere 10 days behind you. What an inspiration you are! It's so good to see you!**
Okay, you guys have gotten me this far.........
I wonder if last week, I was working so hard on just PHYSICALLY trying to feel good i.e. getting over the nausea, the actual pain, and the insommonia ( and I was/am actually feeling better ) that I just failed to realize that there are many, many aspects of recovery that need to be addresed
.........if you guys say this is pretty normal, I will ride it out. But, I am now beginning to understand how people might relapse.
To quote Gilda Radner
"It's always something".
Love, Gracie and again thank you
I wonder if last week, I was working so hard on just PHYSICALLY trying to feel good i.e. getting over the nausea, the actual pain, and the insommonia ( and I was/am actually feeling better ) that I just failed to realize that there are many, many aspects of recovery that need to be addresed
.........if you guys say this is pretty normal, I will ride it out. But, I am now beginning to understand how people might relapse.
To quote Gilda Radner
"It's always something".
Love, Gracie and again thank you
Gracie:
You are so right about noticing how many aspects there are to recovery. Many things in our lives have to be addressed, not just "quitting" taking the pills. The good news is, you (me, anyone) can only do one thing at a time...and at this stage of the game, I was just focusing on creating safe space for myself...(meaning, not being around anyone who used, and keeping myself out of emotionally charged situations). I was "feathering my nest" so to speak.
You know, this initial recovery period, and for me that was about 4 months, everyone is different...but for the first four months...my "state of being" was fairly fluid. It was changing and I just tried to pay attention to the changes...witnessing them as opposed to trying to "control" them.
And yes, I think this emotional roller coaster you are experiencing is very common. I know it was for me. For instance, my father passed away at the end of April last year, and it was June 10th (my first day of detox)...and a week later that I actually began to "feel" the weight of losing him. I was so high between April 25 and June 10th that I just didn't feel anything...and, I didn't even realize how much I "wasn't" feeling either. I had been using so long that it seemed "normal" to me.
And, I also understand the "disconnected" feeling as well. I couldn't drive. I mean, I did...but I promise I shouldn't have! It was really bizarre. It just kept ringing in my head how powerful these drugs are, and how I may have damaged myself permanently...and that scared the crap out of me and awed me to addiction, period. I did get more "put together" after a while, but it does take time and as I said, it is a process, you won't be in the same place for long...it is always changing.
To answer your question, yes, I quit cold turkey at home. You know the odds are against us, big time...so, my promise to my husband was if I didn't make it out, trying on my own, then rehab was the next choice I would make. I was really sick of chasing pills, and lying all the time...risking my health with the pills, risking my family financially by buying them, risking my freedom because I sometimes ordered them on the internet, etc. It was all one huge risk...seemed fun at first, then just became a chore. A chore with a heavy, heavy weight attached.
I can't say it was all easy, but I PROMISE it was all worth it. I would not trade my worst day clean for an easy day high. Today, what I think and feel and do is based in reality (as much as I can grasp it)!, not tinged by addiction, or being high. I am grateful to God and those that supported me and helped me find clarity that I made it out so far. Many don't...but everyone deserves it.
Hang in there. There are so many here with a hand outstretched to you! That is an amazing and beautiful thing!
Kee Kee:
I am so proud of your sub taper, and the way you are handling your break. Especially sawing the damn thing off yourself! Ha! No holding you back sister!
Thank you for all your support and knowledge on my journey as well. I have gained a lot of insight from you Kee Kee...your sharing here is very important!
Hey Gina! Thank you for the mail! And, thank you for your insight and powerful knowledge you share here as well. I believe, as you, that yoga is such an incredible tool in recovery (and I mean "recovery" of anything)...your "stillness" shines in your posts and will lead many to the power of the breath.
The wedding was wonderful! So good to see so many old friends in one place...I took my address book with me, which was an excellent idea! Danced til almost 10pm....woooo hooooo! (getting old is really weird!)
Hang in there Gracie!
Peace.
Sarah
You are so right about noticing how many aspects there are to recovery. Many things in our lives have to be addressed, not just "quitting" taking the pills. The good news is, you (me, anyone) can only do one thing at a time...and at this stage of the game, I was just focusing on creating safe space for myself...(meaning, not being around anyone who used, and keeping myself out of emotionally charged situations). I was "feathering my nest" so to speak.
You know, this initial recovery period, and for me that was about 4 months, everyone is different...but for the first four months...my "state of being" was fairly fluid. It was changing and I just tried to pay attention to the changes...witnessing them as opposed to trying to "control" them.
And yes, I think this emotional roller coaster you are experiencing is very common. I know it was for me. For instance, my father passed away at the end of April last year, and it was June 10th (my first day of detox)...and a week later that I actually began to "feel" the weight of losing him. I was so high between April 25 and June 10th that I just didn't feel anything...and, I didn't even realize how much I "wasn't" feeling either. I had been using so long that it seemed "normal" to me.
And, I also understand the "disconnected" feeling as well. I couldn't drive. I mean, I did...but I promise I shouldn't have! It was really bizarre. It just kept ringing in my head how powerful these drugs are, and how I may have damaged myself permanently...and that scared the crap out of me and awed me to addiction, period. I did get more "put together" after a while, but it does take time and as I said, it is a process, you won't be in the same place for long...it is always changing.
To answer your question, yes, I quit cold turkey at home. You know the odds are against us, big time...so, my promise to my husband was if I didn't make it out, trying on my own, then rehab was the next choice I would make. I was really sick of chasing pills, and lying all the time...risking my health with the pills, risking my family financially by buying them, risking my freedom because I sometimes ordered them on the internet, etc. It was all one huge risk...seemed fun at first, then just became a chore. A chore with a heavy, heavy weight attached.
I can't say it was all easy, but I PROMISE it was all worth it. I would not trade my worst day clean for an easy day high. Today, what I think and feel and do is based in reality (as much as I can grasp it)!, not tinged by addiction, or being high. I am grateful to God and those that supported me and helped me find clarity that I made it out so far. Many don't...but everyone deserves it.
Hang in there. There are so many here with a hand outstretched to you! That is an amazing and beautiful thing!
Kee Kee:
I am so proud of your sub taper, and the way you are handling your break. Especially sawing the damn thing off yourself! Ha! No holding you back sister!
Thank you for all your support and knowledge on my journey as well. I have gained a lot of insight from you Kee Kee...your sharing here is very important!
Hey Gina! Thank you for the mail! And, thank you for your insight and powerful knowledge you share here as well. I believe, as you, that yoga is such an incredible tool in recovery (and I mean "recovery" of anything)...your "stillness" shines in your posts and will lead many to the power of the breath.
The wedding was wonderful! So good to see so many old friends in one place...I took my address book with me, which was an excellent idea! Danced til almost 10pm....woooo hooooo! (getting old is really weird!)
Hang in there Gracie!
Peace.
Sarah
You're doing great Gracie. There is much to overcome in the early months. I would give yourself a good month to see a glimmer of who you were before. If you remember, lol. I know I didn't. I cried at everything for weeks. Stupid commercials even. It will get a bit better every day. Just let nature run it's course. Congratulations on 8 days.
Shelly, you too are doing awesome. I bet you're feeling a little better too. I hope your physical issues were solved with the surgery you had. I do wish you the very best in recovery as well.
And hello to the rest of you!
Beck
Shelly, you too are doing awesome. I bet you're feeling a little better too. I hope your physical issues were solved with the surgery you had. I do wish you the very best in recovery as well.
And hello to the rest of you!
Beck
Again, thanks to all. Sarah, I am going to print out your advice and read it regularly. Especially, the part of -
"I was "feathering my nest" so to speak.
You know, this initial recovery period, and for me that was about 4 months, everyone is different...but for the first four months...my "state of being" was fairly fluid. It was changing and I just tried to pay attention to the changes...witnessing them as opposed to trying to "control" them".
It lets me know what to expect and that it is normal.
And I am touched when you write -
"For instance, my father passed away at the end of April last year, and it was June 10th (my first day of detox)...and a week later that I actually began to "feel" the weight of losing him. I was so high between April 25 and June 10th that I just didn't feel anything...and, I didn't even realize how much I "wasn't" feeling either. I had been using so long that it seemed "normal" to me."
It drives home how sick this addiction that I have really is and that I have more work, hard work ahead of me.
I thank you for your time. Your words really seem to resonate with me. I say this not to put a burden on you. What you have already given to me will carry me. I hope you can feel across whatever miles there are the gratitiude that I feel and know the good that you have done. Love, Gracie
"I was "feathering my nest" so to speak.
You know, this initial recovery period, and for me that was about 4 months, everyone is different...but for the first four months...my "state of being" was fairly fluid. It was changing and I just tried to pay attention to the changes...witnessing them as opposed to trying to "control" them".
It lets me know what to expect and that it is normal.
And I am touched when you write -
"For instance, my father passed away at the end of April last year, and it was June 10th (my first day of detox)...and a week later that I actually began to "feel" the weight of losing him. I was so high between April 25 and June 10th that I just didn't feel anything...and, I didn't even realize how much I "wasn't" feeling either. I had been using so long that it seemed "normal" to me."
It drives home how sick this addiction that I have really is and that I have more work, hard work ahead of me.
I thank you for your time. Your words really seem to resonate with me. I say this not to put a burden on you. What you have already given to me will carry me. I hope you can feel across whatever miles there are the gratitiude that I feel and know the good that you have done. Love, Gracie
Hello Gracie,
The blues are a part of detox. Be happy that it is happening. It's happening because the pills are out of your bloodstream. When we are taking pills we are emotionially numb. Your getting normal!
I quit CT so many times I have lost count. This time when I quit I looked at what was happening to me differently. When I was in pain after WD's I always broke down and took pills to feel better. Now I understand the pain is normal and it will go away. Not being able to sleep stinks, really, really stinks. When I stopped being able to sleep this time I was happy. For me it was a milestone, a marker of success that I has earned. (I also thought that I could get in the Guiness Book of World Records for going the longest without sleep. lol)
I took suboxone for 22 days. In the beginning I remember vividly bursting into tears for no reason what so ever. I also drove my car as little as possible. (I drive all over hell and back with a gut full of pills and thought nothing of it.) I was concerned that I wasn't concentrating when I drove and I didn't want to hurt anyone. My doctor sent me to a Nutritionist, she gave me a list of food to buy. I went to the grocery store and I felt like I had never been in a store before. I wandered up and down the isles like a lost sheep. Concentrating on a store list wasn't easy especially when everyone in the store was staring at me. I will never forget that feeling, I was sure everyone was looking at me. No one was, gee I'm so glad that's over!
So just welcome to detox. Your body and your brain need time to heal. Every day gets better. Some days could be crummy but it always gets better. If you feel like crying do it, if you forget your keys at the bank, so what, if you decide to shave your cat, who cares. Your healing now.
Keep posting, you are an inspiration!
Catherine
The blues are a part of detox. Be happy that it is happening. It's happening because the pills are out of your bloodstream. When we are taking pills we are emotionially numb. Your getting normal!
I quit CT so many times I have lost count. This time when I quit I looked at what was happening to me differently. When I was in pain after WD's I always broke down and took pills to feel better. Now I understand the pain is normal and it will go away. Not being able to sleep stinks, really, really stinks. When I stopped being able to sleep this time I was happy. For me it was a milestone, a marker of success that I has earned. (I also thought that I could get in the Guiness Book of World Records for going the longest without sleep. lol)
I took suboxone for 22 days. In the beginning I remember vividly bursting into tears for no reason what so ever. I also drove my car as little as possible. (I drive all over hell and back with a gut full of pills and thought nothing of it.) I was concerned that I wasn't concentrating when I drove and I didn't want to hurt anyone. My doctor sent me to a Nutritionist, she gave me a list of food to buy. I went to the grocery store and I felt like I had never been in a store before. I wandered up and down the isles like a lost sheep. Concentrating on a store list wasn't easy especially when everyone in the store was staring at me. I will never forget that feeling, I was sure everyone was looking at me. No one was, gee I'm so glad that's over!
So just welcome to detox. Your body and your brain need time to heal. Every day gets better. Some days could be crummy but it always gets better. If you feel like crying do it, if you forget your keys at the bank, so what, if you decide to shave your cat, who cares. Your healing now.
Keep posting, you are an inspiration!
Catherine
I want to add one more thought and then I am going to do some spiritual work.
Last week when I, by the grace of God, found this site, I was awe struck by the generous, caring, sensitive people who were offering advice. Not only were you guys taking YOUR time to help me ( who you don't know, so why should you care), but your advice was so wise.
I thought to myself, these people, notfeelingclever, Kee Kee, Tim, soccermom1 and all must really be certified drug counselors, perhaps, who previously had a drug problem, but are now being paid to help people who come to this board. I believed in my heart that no one could be so full of wisdom and so willing to help
people they don't know, just out of the goodness of their hearts. I discovered that I was wrong - you are that good. Thank you for YOU GOODNESS.
I now have some spiritual work to do. Gracie
Last week when I, by the grace of God, found this site, I was awe struck by the generous, caring, sensitive people who were offering advice. Not only were you guys taking YOUR time to help me ( who you don't know, so why should you care), but your advice was so wise.
I thought to myself, these people, notfeelingclever, Kee Kee, Tim, soccermom1 and all must really be certified drug counselors, perhaps, who previously had a drug problem, but are now being paid to help people who come to this board. I believed in my heart that no one could be so full of wisdom and so willing to help
people they don't know, just out of the goodness of their hearts. I discovered that I was wrong - you are that good. Thank you for YOU GOODNESS.
I now have some spiritual work to do. Gracie
Gracie........
Just read your story and wanted to say Welcome.
I am still in recovery now, I am weaning quickly off sub. So, obviously I am no expert, but just wanted you to know your not alone.
The forgetfullness, anxiety, confusion it does go away slowly. (I have always been confused though :) I remember just pacing the floors back and forth for no reason, so nervous, but had no clue even why I was.
Your days are going to get brighter I promise you, Summer is on it's way, What a great time to start new...........
Big Hugs............Take care of you, and keep posting.
Just read your story and wanted to say Welcome.
I am still in recovery now, I am weaning quickly off sub. So, obviously I am no expert, but just wanted you to know your not alone.
The forgetfullness, anxiety, confusion it does go away slowly. (I have always been confused though :) I remember just pacing the floors back and forth for no reason, so nervous, but had no clue even why I was.
Your days are going to get brighter I promise you, Summer is on it's way, What a great time to start new...........
Big Hugs............Take care of you, and keep posting.
Gracie:
Reaching out to someone who is trying to heal themselves of addiction is an honor and a privilege. It helps keep me humble, and it reminds me of all the things that worked for me. I know in my heart of hearts, when you have just a little more clean time, you will be reaching out to others too.
I was fortunate to have some very strong people associated with this forum listening and advising me. I paid attention...I wanted what they had, which was clean time. I don't struggle with not taking pills anymore...and I am able to pay attention to other aspects of my life that led me to taking the pills in the first place. I am no longer being driven by fear, and that is the greatest feeling in the world.
I was also fortunate that there were people just beginning when I first came here. Catherine (MeAgain) and KeeKee, Gina (Slave no more) and others. It was so important to have that fellowship. We leaned on each other and it helped.
Then, there were just some laughs too! We used to have a trivia thread, which was fun, and joking around with friends.
Gracie, feel free to discuss whatever you want here. In the beginning, it is important just to talk! Have you thought of attending meetings? I know many here who do, or did, and the fellowship there is really powerful. I didn't attend meetings because I was afraid to let my dirty little secret out in such a small town. In the end, I think, I probably wasn't fooling anyone. My behavior had gotten erratic, I was reclusive, and I had many anger issues that I honestly believe were brought on by opiates.
After being clean for 5 months, I lost one of my oldest and closest friends, unexpectedly and very suddenly. I sat with him for 19 days in the hospital and witnessed his passing. There were amazing and beautiful moments in that experience for me...I am so grateful for being sober, because I would not have been able to handle it during those days if I had been crazed with opiation.
I don't believe I have this thing "beat"...but I do believe I have the tools to beat it. Just like you Gracie...one day at a time, making the next right choice!
I am glad to help anytime I can.
Peace.
Sarah
Reaching out to someone who is trying to heal themselves of addiction is an honor and a privilege. It helps keep me humble, and it reminds me of all the things that worked for me. I know in my heart of hearts, when you have just a little more clean time, you will be reaching out to others too.
I was fortunate to have some very strong people associated with this forum listening and advising me. I paid attention...I wanted what they had, which was clean time. I don't struggle with not taking pills anymore...and I am able to pay attention to other aspects of my life that led me to taking the pills in the first place. I am no longer being driven by fear, and that is the greatest feeling in the world.
I was also fortunate that there were people just beginning when I first came here. Catherine (MeAgain) and KeeKee, Gina (Slave no more) and others. It was so important to have that fellowship. We leaned on each other and it helped.
Then, there were just some laughs too! We used to have a trivia thread, which was fun, and joking around with friends.
Gracie, feel free to discuss whatever you want here. In the beginning, it is important just to talk! Have you thought of attending meetings? I know many here who do, or did, and the fellowship there is really powerful. I didn't attend meetings because I was afraid to let my dirty little secret out in such a small town. In the end, I think, I probably wasn't fooling anyone. My behavior had gotten erratic, I was reclusive, and I had many anger issues that I honestly believe were brought on by opiates.
After being clean for 5 months, I lost one of my oldest and closest friends, unexpectedly and very suddenly. I sat with him for 19 days in the hospital and witnessed his passing. There were amazing and beautiful moments in that experience for me...I am so grateful for being sober, because I would not have been able to handle it during those days if I had been crazed with opiation.
I don't believe I have this thing "beat"...but I do believe I have the tools to beat it. Just like you Gracie...one day at a time, making the next right choice!
I am glad to help anytime I can.
Peace.
Sarah
