The day my partner passed away a year and a half ago was really devistating to me. It will be 1 year 6 months this month that she passed away.
I still think about her everyday and wish she was here with me. When she passed away I was on 30 pills of codeine a day and even then the pain I felt the morning she died was immense
I woke up crying this morning because I was dreaming her again. This happens pretty often and I feel that pain all over again and replay the life I shared with her in my head. We were only together 4 short years but we went thru alot in that short time. Im constantly thinking if there is anything I would have done different with her during our time together or even on her last days.
Today I want to be numb.
I dont want to feel this today
I'm so sorry Contract. I didn't know you had lost her. I've never lost a partner, but I have lost my sister (my best friend) and my mom. I was still using when I lost my sis and even the pills did not numb that kind of pain. So, I know how you feel to some extent. You may not have felt this way, but I felt so much guilt and humiliation b/c I using. I won't go into the whole story b/c I have posted it before, but on the days surrounding her death I was trying to get my meds rounded up so I would not go into wd's. I even convinced myself that it was o.k. b/c what good would I be if I was too sick to handle all the arrangements, etc.
I can also relate to the dreaming... It actually makes me feel worse when I dream about them b/c it seems so real, and when I wake up it's like I have to go through the process of losing em again. Do you know what I mean?
Thinking about you today!
I can also relate to the dreaming... It actually makes me feel worse when I dream about them b/c it seems so real, and when I wake up it's like I have to go through the process of losing em again. Do you know what I mean?
Thinking about you today!
First of all Contract..opening up like that and sharing such a painful part of your life with us, is huge. Learning how to open up and not isolate will help you so much in your recovery.
I am sorry that you lost someone so dear to you. I cannot even imagine what that feels like. I won't pretent too either. Keep talking...stuffing how you feel will only make it worse. I don't have any answers as to how to get over a death like that..I don't think that you ever do. I just think that with time, brings peace. Soon, you will just remember the good things and be able to smile.
I am sorry that you lost someone so dear to you. I cannot even imagine what that feels like. I won't pretent too either. Keep talking...stuffing how you feel will only make it worse. I don't have any answers as to how to get over a death like that..I don't think that you ever do. I just think that with time, brings peace. Soon, you will just remember the good things and be able to smile.
Good morning Contract
I am cursed because I remember vividly most of my dreams. I can relate to waking up crying over a lost one. Im sorry you are going through this. I'd rather feel then be numb. I wouldn't have said this 6 months ago.
You know what? I have no idea where I"m going with this. Just take care of yourself.
I am cursed because I remember vividly most of my dreams. I can relate to waking up crying over a lost one. Im sorry you are going through this. I'd rather feel then be numb. I wouldn't have said this 6 months ago.
You know what? I have no idea where I"m going with this. Just take care of yourself.
That's an extemely brave thing to admit and own up to.What are you going to do about the wanting to be numb part?
I lost my only sister as well RKT and let me tell you it didnt feel anything close to losing my partner. Of course I loved my sister but I can only guess that losing a partner is so hard because you have a totally different relationship. You share so much more than with a sister or relative or friend. Ive lost lots of people in my life but nothing has compared to what I felt when my partner passed away.
One day soon after she passed away I arrived home and drove my car into the garage and closed the door. I felt so lost and so alone and all I wanted was to be with her. I left the car running and closed my eyes. I actually fell asleep. The only thing that saved me that day was my phone vibrated on my laps and woke me up.
You know when I answered it no one answered back.
I was drunk for 4 months every single day after she passed away. There were only 2 days that I didnt drink anything. I finally just stopped drinking but I think it would have been the lowest part of my life. Its really hard to deal with something like that with no family or friends around you. I basically dealt with it all on my own and I still do. I dont talk to anyone about it. This is the first time that I have talked about this with anyone.
I didnt take any pills yesterday. I really wanted to but I didnt do it. I spent the day teaching kids how to fly fish. Thats more productive and kept my mind off of it for awhile.
Thanks everyone.
God bless...
One day soon after she passed away I arrived home and drove my car into the garage and closed the door. I felt so lost and so alone and all I wanted was to be with her. I left the car running and closed my eyes. I actually fell asleep. The only thing that saved me that day was my phone vibrated on my laps and woke me up.
You know when I answered it no one answered back.
I was drunk for 4 months every single day after she passed away. There were only 2 days that I didnt drink anything. I finally just stopped drinking but I think it would have been the lowest part of my life. Its really hard to deal with something like that with no family or friends around you. I basically dealt with it all on my own and I still do. I dont talk to anyone about it. This is the first time that I have talked about this with anyone.
I didnt take any pills yesterday. I really wanted to but I didnt do it. I spent the day teaching kids how to fly fish. Thats more productive and kept my mind off of it for awhile.
Thanks everyone.
God bless...
I in no way meant that it was the same. In my case, we were closer than a lot of siblings so it has been the hardest loss I have had so far. I can not begin to imagine what you are going through with the loss of your partner.
Thanks for sharing what you shared. I know it must be hard.
Thanks for sharing what you shared. I know it must be hard.
Sorry if I sounded in any bad way RKT. I didnt mean anything by my response. Was just trying to give an insight on what it feels like to lose a partner. Its painful to lose a sister and I never imagined how painful it would be to lose my partner. I could never had imagined the pain and that was only after 4 years together. I can imagine how couples that have spent 40 years together feel after losing one another.
I dont want to go thru that again
I dont want to go thru that again
Hi Foggy I know what you mean about your dreams because I am the same way. I lucid dream and it makes for a very real experience when you dream that way. I have learned how to be in conttrol when I am in my dreams if you know what i mean. Hard to explain. I actively participate in the dream instead of just kinda watching it happen. Might not be explaining it right.
To me its like I have another life in my dream world. When my partner passed away I tried so hard to see her in my dreams but I hadnt had a dream in about 3 years. I knew it was because of the pills I was taking. When I stopped taking pills my dreams returned. I hadnt seen my partner in my dreams since she passed away. When I stopped taking pills in February I started to dream once I was able to get to sleep. I had forgotten what it was like to dream.
Now I can see her in my dreams when I want to but I cant see her for to long because I cant handle it. I get to emotional and even when she is with me in dreams I know for a fact that she is gone.
Im rambling a bit sorry. There alot of things that I have to actually get out. I have to tell my side of the story somehow. I never got the chance.
God Bless....
To me its like I have another life in my dream world. When my partner passed away I tried so hard to see her in my dreams but I hadnt had a dream in about 3 years. I knew it was because of the pills I was taking. When I stopped taking pills my dreams returned. I hadnt seen my partner in my dreams since she passed away. When I stopped taking pills in February I started to dream once I was able to get to sleep. I had forgotten what it was like to dream.
Now I can see her in my dreams when I want to but I cant see her for to long because I cant handle it. I get to emotional and even when she is with me in dreams I know for a fact that she is gone.
Im rambling a bit sorry. There alot of things that I have to actually get out. I have to tell my side of the story somehow. I never got the chance.
God Bless....
Aren't we just the nicest people worrying about stepping toes? LOL I knew you didn't mean anything bad...I was just saying.
