Well, I can't start a thread entitled day 4, so I may as well call it what I feel.
That's it.
Might as well have titled it "back to square one".
Sorry for alienating anyone that I did.
Maybe that will get me to go seek the help that I need, huh?
I'm sorry if I sound angry or cocky right now.
But I am.
I'm pissed.
And I'm lonely.
So I'm going to bed I hope.
I have never felt more supported in my life. You all came to rally around me when I needed you.
I'm sorry for screwing that up. I'm sure I will regret it for a long time to come. But I am what I am. And that's what we do best, right?
I'm Jodi. I'm an alcoholic and an addict...
And I hate who I am and what I've done.
I'm so sorry.
Jodi
just posted to you on your other thread
but ill say it again now..
you are worthy of loving and being loved
You are worthy of being happy
You are worthy of respect
You are just plain worthy
just for being born.....
Sorry if i nagged you too much tonight
its only because i really do care/
Hugs
Ali
just posted to you on your other thread
but ill say it again now..
you are worthy of loving and being loved
You are worthy of being happy
You are worthy of respect
You are just plain worthy
just for being born.....
Sorry if i nagged you too much tonight
its only because i really do care/
Hugs
Ali
Ali, you didn't nag. Believe me, you didn't nag.
Okay, so I tried to call Lisa. She's gone. Waiting for Stacey to call me back.
Really I need to get some sleep. But I don't know if it will happen.
I'm done saying how alone I feel.
I'm going to go to bed now and hope for a call back.
I get what you're saying Ali. I think about you often. I have alot to learn from you. Thank you for everything.
PS...If anyone's got one of those 800 numbers I can call now, I wouldn't mind having it. I know they've been posted in the past. I need to talk.
Okay, so I tried to call Lisa. She's gone. Waiting for Stacey to call me back.
Really I need to get some sleep. But I don't know if it will happen.
I'm done saying how alone I feel.
I'm going to go to bed now and hope for a call back.
I get what you're saying Ali. I think about you often. I have alot to learn from you. Thank you for everything.
PS...If anyone's got one of those 800 numbers I can call now, I wouldn't mind having it. I know they've been posted in the past. I need to talk.
Jodi....I just wanted to let you know how hard I am praying for you.....the only person that you have disappointed is yourself honey....yes some of us upset..but not at you...at the situation. Its very hard when you're on this end of this and witnessing...knowing there is nothing that we can really do...its all up to you......you need to stop putting yourself through this.....no need to suffer anymore.
Help is there for you...all you have to do is ask....I hope you have a peaceful sleep...like I said..you and your boys are in my prayers this evening!
Help is there for you...all you have to do is ask....I hope you have a peaceful sleep...like I said..you and your boys are in my prayers this evening!
jodi
i totally understand
this is not easy, especiallly having to tackle alcohol AND pills.
we will continue to pray and support you.
give yourself credit for trying!
when you are ready, you can try again.
sometimes it make take a few attempts.....
i totally understand
this is not easy, especiallly having to tackle alcohol AND pills.
we will continue to pray and support you.
give yourself credit for trying!
when you are ready, you can try again.
sometimes it make take a few attempts.....
Jodi, I will make those calls if you want....you just let me know. Anytime.
Can I ask you why you keep hubby around? You are already paying his way; is it for babysitting?
maybe deep down you are getting better so you can do what you have to do with him. You can stay sober with him there, but it makes it all that more of a challenge.
I say this out of concern and I once wasted my time on a jerk. My sister used to always tell me "I wish you would CHOOSE yourself out of this." I didn't get it...I didn't feel like it was a choice.
But we always have that choice.
Huge fat hugs and tomorrow is a new day. All anyone of us have is just today.
Can I ask you why you keep hubby around? You are already paying his way; is it for babysitting?
maybe deep down you are getting better so you can do what you have to do with him. You can stay sober with him there, but it makes it all that more of a challenge.
I say this out of concern and I once wasted my time on a jerk. My sister used to always tell me "I wish you would CHOOSE yourself out of this." I didn't get it...I didn't feel like it was a choice.
But we always have that choice.
Huge fat hugs and tomorrow is a new day. All anyone of us have is just today.
Jodi:
I am sorry, I had to leave yesterday and will not be able to be online today either. I just wanted to check on you. I do not need an apology from you...I am pulling for you.
I just wanted to say a few things to you...if you don't mind. Ignore them if you want to.
Jodi...this is just my opinion, but...you do not love your husband, and he doesn't love you. This is not love, this relationship seems to be another form of addiction. You guys are just dancing your little butts off and calling it life, but it isn't.
How could I know this? I have done it myself. 11 and a half years with an abusive man...just treading water and exhausted and thinking, God, I love him...why can't I make this right? And rewiring my brain to focus on how bad our relationship was, in terms of a normal relationship...comparing sort of...and not realizing it was just a sickness we were both suffering from, and it had NOTHING to do with real life.
Honey, love doesn't hurt like this. You will NEVER know that until you start to take care of yourself...and once you do, this relationship will never be good enough for you.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON KEEPING YOURSELF IN THIS RELATIONSHIP...now, you may feel to f'ed up to do anything about it...but honey, that is the sick disease talking. That is not the truth. If your children were being held at gunpoint by this man.....you would stop at nothing, I know it. So, I know that strength is there...you just don't see the urgency, because you are numb from drink, and you are numb from lack of love.
Jodi, you drink so you can stay there. I did too...and I spent too much money, or I would fall apart emotionally...all kinds of ways I sabotaged myself to stay.
Would you believe that it took him having an affair, me finding out, to leave? Oh, my mind was rewired proper....I had to be a victim to get out.
Some people would rather be right than happy, and I was one of them.
Once I left...broke, no where to go, a mess, guess what? Things began to happen exponentially for me. It was like once I took that step, that first step...God sent angel after angel into my life. I remember looking back after 7 months in a dumpy house, pathetic car, hot as hell in the summer and cold as hell in the winter....and it dawned on me. I had not yelled at anyone is 7 months, and NO ONE had yelled at me in 7 months. Jodi....that was a revelation for me.
Please try to get the Co-Dependent No More book....it helped me so much. I learned to see the cycle I was living in...and inevitably trying to recreate in my new life, because it is all I knew. I learned Jodi...and you can too.
Your life did not get to this point in a week, month or year....and you will not be able to restore yourself to wholeness in a week, or month, or maybe even a year. But, as you know, every journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step.
(I think Confuscious said that!)...
Now, lay down your self loathing...he is loathing you enough...more is not necessary, and stop seeing yourself as a reflection of this crap. This is crap, like dirty clothes, that you are wearing. This isn't WHO YOU ARE...this is your current circumstances. Circumtances change all the time, in a second sometimes, as any widow/widower....ask Amy/Redd.
You can launder clothes, take them off, throw them away, you can alter all the THINGS in your life...that is just energy...physical energy. Your heart is obviously good...because the spirit is crying through the flesh right now...and we are listening.
ONE RIGHT DECISION AFTER THE NEXT....little tiny decisions...not the big ones, okay?
You will not move him out today, and all this chaos will not right itself today, but you can do little things, AND you can go for a walk when you feel the crazies crawling up your skin into your brain....you do not have to go to that CRAZY CHAOS place....you simply don't. He cannot entice you there, and you don't belong there....change the song...take off those dancing shoes and rest, babe.
Get that book. I bet you can even read passages on line. Let Little Beach make those calls for you....she offered. Information won't hurt you, it will empower you to make a plan.
GET ACTIVE in your wellness....it doesn't have to be big action....little actions added together make a wonderful day. ONE THING AT A TIME...and talk to yourself in a positive way. YOU ARE WORTH IT.
I will be praying for you today and hoping you find the help you need.
I love you.
Sarah
I am sorry, I had to leave yesterday and will not be able to be online today either. I just wanted to check on you. I do not need an apology from you...I am pulling for you.
I just wanted to say a few things to you...if you don't mind. Ignore them if you want to.
Jodi...this is just my opinion, but...you do not love your husband, and he doesn't love you. This is not love, this relationship seems to be another form of addiction. You guys are just dancing your little butts off and calling it life, but it isn't.
How could I know this? I have done it myself. 11 and a half years with an abusive man...just treading water and exhausted and thinking, God, I love him...why can't I make this right? And rewiring my brain to focus on how bad our relationship was, in terms of a normal relationship...comparing sort of...and not realizing it was just a sickness we were both suffering from, and it had NOTHING to do with real life.
Honey, love doesn't hurt like this. You will NEVER know that until you start to take care of yourself...and once you do, this relationship will never be good enough for you.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON KEEPING YOURSELF IN THIS RELATIONSHIP...now, you may feel to f'ed up to do anything about it...but honey, that is the sick disease talking. That is not the truth. If your children were being held at gunpoint by this man.....you would stop at nothing, I know it. So, I know that strength is there...you just don't see the urgency, because you are numb from drink, and you are numb from lack of love.
Jodi, you drink so you can stay there. I did too...and I spent too much money, or I would fall apart emotionally...all kinds of ways I sabotaged myself to stay.
Would you believe that it took him having an affair, me finding out, to leave? Oh, my mind was rewired proper....I had to be a victim to get out.
Some people would rather be right than happy, and I was one of them.
Once I left...broke, no where to go, a mess, guess what? Things began to happen exponentially for me. It was like once I took that step, that first step...God sent angel after angel into my life. I remember looking back after 7 months in a dumpy house, pathetic car, hot as hell in the summer and cold as hell in the winter....and it dawned on me. I had not yelled at anyone is 7 months, and NO ONE had yelled at me in 7 months. Jodi....that was a revelation for me.
Please try to get the Co-Dependent No More book....it helped me so much. I learned to see the cycle I was living in...and inevitably trying to recreate in my new life, because it is all I knew. I learned Jodi...and you can too.
Your life did not get to this point in a week, month or year....and you will not be able to restore yourself to wholeness in a week, or month, or maybe even a year. But, as you know, every journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step.
(I think Confuscious said that!)...
Now, lay down your self loathing...he is loathing you enough...more is not necessary, and stop seeing yourself as a reflection of this crap. This is crap, like dirty clothes, that you are wearing. This isn't WHO YOU ARE...this is your current circumstances. Circumtances change all the time, in a second sometimes, as any widow/widower....ask Amy/Redd.
You can launder clothes, take them off, throw them away, you can alter all the THINGS in your life...that is just energy...physical energy. Your heart is obviously good...because the spirit is crying through the flesh right now...and we are listening.
ONE RIGHT DECISION AFTER THE NEXT....little tiny decisions...not the big ones, okay?
You will not move him out today, and all this chaos will not right itself today, but you can do little things, AND you can go for a walk when you feel the crazies crawling up your skin into your brain....you do not have to go to that CRAZY CHAOS place....you simply don't. He cannot entice you there, and you don't belong there....change the song...take off those dancing shoes and rest, babe.
Get that book. I bet you can even read passages on line. Let Little Beach make those calls for you....she offered. Information won't hurt you, it will empower you to make a plan.
GET ACTIVE in your wellness....it doesn't have to be big action....little actions added together make a wonderful day. ONE THING AT A TIME...and talk to yourself in a positive way. YOU ARE WORTH IT.
I will be praying for you today and hoping you find the help you need.
I love you.
Sarah
LOL......Jodi,You can't even pay for that kind of insight.I hope you read that today.
thanks,Sarah
thanks,Sarah
Jodi though I havent posted to you I have been reading your struggle.
First somehow sweety FORGIVE yourself.You are human & you are an addict.
Our greatest asset is NOT EVER falling but our ability to pick ourselves up & keep trying.
Jodi what we all are facing is something we will have to FIGHT everyday,for the rest of our lives.Sometimes we will do so well we think we have it beat,other times we let the addiction take control.
I wasnt on last night & havent read your"Im sorry"post yet but I just want you to know I commend you for trying.Some never do & stay lost in that lonely world.
So you just keep posting,keep reaching out,keep trying.Jodi I believe though it may be the hardest fight of your life that you can do this.Baby steps at first than leaps & bounds.
To me (as Ive said many times before)beating addiction is so much like saying goodbye to an abusive lover.The addiction has a way of making you feel as if YOU need it when its totally the other way.the Addiction NEEDS you.It only feels strong when you let it control you.
Huny theres alot of help here & other places,please keep trying.Even those that have been sober for years can & do relapse/
Please dont give up.Im rooting for you!!!!!
molly
First somehow sweety FORGIVE yourself.You are human & you are an addict.
Our greatest asset is NOT EVER falling but our ability to pick ourselves up & keep trying.
Jodi what we all are facing is something we will have to FIGHT everyday,for the rest of our lives.Sometimes we will do so well we think we have it beat,other times we let the addiction take control.
I wasnt on last night & havent read your"Im sorry"post yet but I just want you to know I commend you for trying.Some never do & stay lost in that lonely world.
So you just keep posting,keep reaching out,keep trying.Jodi I believe though it may be the hardest fight of your life that you can do this.Baby steps at first than leaps & bounds.
To me (as Ive said many times before)beating addiction is so much like saying goodbye to an abusive lover.The addiction has a way of making you feel as if YOU need it when its totally the other way.the Addiction NEEDS you.It only feels strong when you let it control you.
Huny theres alot of help here & other places,please keep trying.Even those that have been sober for years can & do relapse/
Please dont give up.Im rooting for you!!!!!
molly
Jodi, that was yesterday...what about today?
