My 51 yr old boyfriend who has had a heroin habit for 21 yrs was recently busted for drug trafficking but prosecutor got him to plea to possession for reduced bulk that was confiscated from the house he was living at...he was living with this dealer for over a year who herself had a 1500 a mo. habit and my boyfriend in the 4 yrs i have known him has copped from she and her son many times....he swears that he was not using heroin while he was there but was smoking pot 24/7 to fend off the cravings...i think he was using it to help with the withdrawal from the week as i only saw him on the weekends...he was losing weight...nodding out eating a hamburger..by Monday morning he complained of constipation and he missed a lot of work due to flu like symptoms...i find a lot of empty baggies in his coat pocket and some valiums.
He recently went to a pre sentencing investigation and was asked to drop a urine...his sentencing is in 2 wks and he says the judge is going to give a yr's probation...as this is i first drug related felony...he has 4 already....he is mad at me and i haven't heard from for 3 wks and my gut tells me he is doing heroin as it stays in your system less than pot and i think he is getting his last shots in before probation starts....i have 17 yrs sobriety.in AA...in the 4 years i have known my ex he repeatedly went thru rehabs and would use and lie about it and tell me i was crazy....does anyone think i might have been wrong about his using at that drug dealer's house and that he might be staying away and using now...or perhaps he is going to NA but then why hasn't he called me and he has recently moved to this really squalid mouse ridden house in a bad neighborhood he used to cop from.....why does he hate me so
He 'hates' you because you are clean and he is not. Clearly.
David,
Thank-you for responding to my post.....tho time and time again when
i knew he had been using and he would vehemently refute it...despite my gut
feeling i would always think...okay...what if i was wrong as now and i wouldn't
want to lose his love if i had been in error and would apologize just to keep him
as anything is better than being alone...having unprotected sex with him cause if i didn't that would mean to him that i didn't believe him...he already has Hep C
I dunno i have 17 yrs clean from alcohol abuse but i don't think i could work in
a liquor store and not br tempted as he lived with a drug dealer who he used to cop from and claim that he did not use heroin only smoked pot and this man has never finished a rehab program since i have known him and i don't think
probation is going to deter this 5 time felon addict....but i haven't heard from him in 3 weeks and feeling lonely enuff to apologize but i hate that he is making me look like the bad guy and rejecting me despite claiming he loves me if indeed i am right about his using....could be another woman...but i ain't too sure about that one....somebody pleeze give me some advice as i am feeling very lonely and suicidal...
Thank-you for responding to my post.....tho time and time again when
i knew he had been using and he would vehemently refute it...despite my gut
feeling i would always think...okay...what if i was wrong as now and i wouldn't
want to lose his love if i had been in error and would apologize just to keep him
as anything is better than being alone...having unprotected sex with him cause if i didn't that would mean to him that i didn't believe him...he already has Hep C
I dunno i have 17 yrs clean from alcohol abuse but i don't think i could work in
a liquor store and not br tempted as he lived with a drug dealer who he used to cop from and claim that he did not use heroin only smoked pot and this man has never finished a rehab program since i have known him and i don't think
probation is going to deter this 5 time felon addict....but i haven't heard from him in 3 weeks and feeling lonely enuff to apologize but i hate that he is making me look like the bad guy and rejecting me despite claiming he loves me if indeed i am right about his using....could be another woman...but i ain't too sure about that one....somebody pleeze give me some advice as i am feeling very lonely and suicidal...
I read your first post and did not know what I could say to help. You know yourself what is going on, you want to believe him, but his behaviour is telling you something different. Sometimes it helps reading other peoples posts and advising them what is going on. It has helped me sometimes.
So this kid has been living in the candy store and not sampling the goods. How can he expect you to believe that? Ask any addict what they would do. An addict will always try to lay the blame on other people, trying to prey on their better nature, their trust and love for them. If they are truly clean they should be able to understand that they have to prove it, by their behaviour and how they treat the people they care about.
Why does he hate you? You need to sort out your feelings for this guy. If he truly loved you he would not lay the guilt at your door. If he is the one with the problems he should be trying his hardest for you. Maybe you are addicted to him, if he is such a negative influence on you it would be better to say goodbye. A little loneliness is better than years of heartbreak. If he truly loved you he would not be making you go through this.
So this kid has been living in the candy store and not sampling the goods. How can he expect you to believe that? Ask any addict what they would do. An addict will always try to lay the blame on other people, trying to prey on their better nature, their trust and love for them. If they are truly clean they should be able to understand that they have to prove it, by their behaviour and how they treat the people they care about.
Why does he hate you? You need to sort out your feelings for this guy. If he truly loved you he would not lay the guilt at your door. If he is the one with the problems he should be trying his hardest for you. Maybe you are addicted to him, if he is such a negative influence on you it would be better to say goodbye. A little loneliness is better than years of heartbreak. If he truly loved you he would not be making you go through this.
Broadway,
Yes it has oft times been pointed out that he is my drug and that i am very much addicted to him and i believe he knows that and it is a form of control on his part as his life is so out of control and he has been physically and verbally abusive to me as well especially when i accuse him of using and as a recovering alcoholic i remember when i was active over 17 yrs ago nothing was more important then my bottle and i resented those most that would try to stop or intefere with my drinking and nothing made me stop until i decided i had enuff...boyfriends rehabs eviction...nothing...tho i have never been in trouble with the law i would imagine my boyfriend who has felonies for kidnapping theft escape from prison etc will not even be daunted by the prospect of having to stay clean for a year's probation and frankly i don't think he is gonna make it...he should have been going to NA meetings before his sentencing not because they are gonna make him and he blames his using and circumstances on me cause i kicked him out over a year and half ago but he chose to live with old drug dealing friends and when he gets in trouble he expects me to bail him out but i won't cause it is drug related...but still i sit here miserable cause he is rejecting me and thinking he is out with all these babes impressing them with his long hair and tatoos....he has no car his license was revoked due to possession of drug works...he sweeps up at a factory for temping minimum wage...no savings and lives in sqaulid room in a drug infested neighborhood...but he doesn't want me and i am so alone and scared and feel like begging him to take me back....can't call me as he doesn't have a phone and i pine away waiting for him to call....he is out having all the fun and friends and i gotta stay sober and feel unloved....sorry to bore and sound so pathetic to everyone...
Yes it has oft times been pointed out that he is my drug and that i am very much addicted to him and i believe he knows that and it is a form of control on his part as his life is so out of control and he has been physically and verbally abusive to me as well especially when i accuse him of using and as a recovering alcoholic i remember when i was active over 17 yrs ago nothing was more important then my bottle and i resented those most that would try to stop or intefere with my drinking and nothing made me stop until i decided i had enuff...boyfriends rehabs eviction...nothing...tho i have never been in trouble with the law i would imagine my boyfriend who has felonies for kidnapping theft escape from prison etc will not even be daunted by the prospect of having to stay clean for a year's probation and frankly i don't think he is gonna make it...he should have been going to NA meetings before his sentencing not because they are gonna make him and he blames his using and circumstances on me cause i kicked him out over a year and half ago but he chose to live with old drug dealing friends and when he gets in trouble he expects me to bail him out but i won't cause it is drug related...but still i sit here miserable cause he is rejecting me and thinking he is out with all these babes impressing them with his long hair and tatoos....he has no car his license was revoked due to possession of drug works...he sweeps up at a factory for temping minimum wage...no savings and lives in sqaulid room in a drug infested neighborhood...but he doesn't want me and i am so alone and scared and feel like begging him to take me back....can't call me as he doesn't have a phone and i pine away waiting for him to call....he is out having all the fun and friends and i gotta stay sober and feel unloved....sorry to bore and sound so pathetic to everyone...
mary,
I don't know why you feel so miserable about him rejecting you, you should reject him, he doesn't sound like much to write home about from your description of him. He will only be back when he needs you, you may want him, but you don't need him.
Why do you feel you can't have fun? Why such low self-esteem? What can you do stop yourself being miserable?
I don't know why you feel so miserable about him rejecting you, you should reject him, he doesn't sound like much to write home about from your description of him. He will only be back when he needs you, you may want him, but you don't need him.
Why do you feel you can't have fun? Why such low self-esteem? What can you do stop yourself being miserable?
Hey Broadway
Is that broadway as in NYC where i hail from.....i could take my life as to not feel so miserable....but i lost my 29 yr old brother due to suicide from his alcoholism and vowed that i would die clean in memory of him so i can't go the pills and booze route which i had attempted 2x when i was drinking over 17 yrs ago....i guess as in any form of addiction i am going to have to cold turkey it but i am jonesing from my ex pretty badly these days..
You are right he only calls me when he is in trouble as in this last bad patch of his when spouted all that love for me tripe when he thought he might be going to prison and wanted some money sent to him and his pictures of family members who don't want anything to do with him anymore including his daughter who he had to give up when he first went to prison in his youth...almost wish he would mess up again so i could have the satisfaction of telling him to go f himself.....the last time he was in jail he sent me all these letters dripping with love and how he was gonna change...cause he needed some place to go when he got out and shortly thereafter he was back on the needle again...lying about it until i finally had to kick him out....i imagine when he goes on probation and has to get clean and go to meetings he will be working on his next female victim to pave the way for an easier life and then mess up and screw her over as well....i dunno people do change but at 51and five felonies under his belt the chances seem slim and his violence and lack of empathy for others who are just part of the food chain in terms of his survival further negates this positive prospect....doesn't he ever get tired of this life and where is God in all this as he keeps letting him get away with it and has taken better individuals then him from this planet and their loved ones....i guess i am jealous of my ex in that he is devoid of troubles and feelings and doesn't get lonely and i sit here with a broken heart and he misses me not at all maybe at this point in his life as many doors have been closed to him...his dope is all he has got left to feel anything or not to feel and i should be more empathetic
Is that broadway as in NYC where i hail from.....i could take my life as to not feel so miserable....but i lost my 29 yr old brother due to suicide from his alcoholism and vowed that i would die clean in memory of him so i can't go the pills and booze route which i had attempted 2x when i was drinking over 17 yrs ago....i guess as in any form of addiction i am going to have to cold turkey it but i am jonesing from my ex pretty badly these days..
You are right he only calls me when he is in trouble as in this last bad patch of his when spouted all that love for me tripe when he thought he might be going to prison and wanted some money sent to him and his pictures of family members who don't want anything to do with him anymore including his daughter who he had to give up when he first went to prison in his youth...almost wish he would mess up again so i could have the satisfaction of telling him to go f himself.....the last time he was in jail he sent me all these letters dripping with love and how he was gonna change...cause he needed some place to go when he got out and shortly thereafter he was back on the needle again...lying about it until i finally had to kick him out....i imagine when he goes on probation and has to get clean and go to meetings he will be working on his next female victim to pave the way for an easier life and then mess up and screw her over as well....i dunno people do change but at 51and five felonies under his belt the chances seem slim and his violence and lack of empathy for others who are just part of the food chain in terms of his survival further negates this positive prospect....doesn't he ever get tired of this life and where is God in all this as he keeps letting him get away with it and has taken better individuals then him from this planet and their loved ones....i guess i am jealous of my ex in that he is devoid of troubles and feelings and doesn't get lonely and i sit here with a broken heart and he misses me not at all maybe at this point in his life as many doors have been closed to him...his dope is all he has got left to feel anything or not to feel and i should be more empathetic
Hi Mary,
I'm in the UK.
Why are you thinking of committing suicide over him, tell me what he has given you that is worthwhile and you have lost. It sounds like all he done has taken from you and you have just kept giving. Wd from him, he has not been reaching out for you, he has left you to stew. Take it one day at at time, he may change, but only when he has to, by then it may be to late, perhaps you will no longer need him when he wants you back.
Never really got in to this god business, all a bit too vague. Life and death seems fairly random to me. The major factor is what you do to improve your life, sitting around feeling miserable will do nothing for you. Get out and do something to forget him,.
Wha
I'm in the UK.
Why are you thinking of committing suicide over him, tell me what he has given you that is worthwhile and you have lost. It sounds like all he done has taken from you and you have just kept giving. Wd from him, he has not been reaching out for you, he has left you to stew. Take it one day at at time, he may change, but only when he has to, by then it may be to late, perhaps you will no longer need him when he wants you back.
Never really got in to this god business, all a bit too vague. Life and death seems fairly random to me. The major factor is what you do to improve your life, sitting around feeling miserable will do nothing for you. Get out and do something to forget him,.
Wha
Mary,
You had asked,"doesn't he ever get tired of this life and where is God in all this as he keeps letting him get away with it and has taken better individuals then him etc."
The thought comes to me that he leaves all his responsibilities to everybody else, gets his joy from his drug and when "they" mess it up for him, he goes to lock up where he will spend his time setting them up so he will have his life of joy waiting for him when he gets out...yep sounds like he covers his bases pretty well.
You ask where is God is in all this?
It is my thought that God sent us into this world with free choices, he does not "tell" us that we have to live a good life, he does not "tell" us we have to believe in him or love him but he gives us the choice to do with our life what we will, he is always there.
Some know,some don't and some choose not to know. Life is a gift, weather a person lives 100 years or 23 years, life on this earth goes very fast and I feel that it is not the years that count but the "how" we used our gift that count.
You also say you are jealous of your bf because he is devoid to troubles and feelings and doesn't get lonely....The only love affair he is truly having is with his drugs, you should be more empathetic with yourself and stop wasting it on him.
Don't wait until you are sitting in your rocker looking back on how you wasted all your best years on someone who was not worth your time.
Take your life back now and move towards using your life in a good way.
Love yourself you are more than worth it...Red Hawk
You had asked,"doesn't he ever get tired of this life and where is God in all this as he keeps letting him get away with it and has taken better individuals then him etc."
The thought comes to me that he leaves all his responsibilities to everybody else, gets his joy from his drug and when "they" mess it up for him, he goes to lock up where he will spend his time setting them up so he will have his life of joy waiting for him when he gets out...yep sounds like he covers his bases pretty well.
You ask where is God is in all this?
It is my thought that God sent us into this world with free choices, he does not "tell" us that we have to live a good life, he does not "tell" us we have to believe in him or love him but he gives us the choice to do with our life what we will, he is always there.
Some know,some don't and some choose not to know. Life is a gift, weather a person lives 100 years or 23 years, life on this earth goes very fast and I feel that it is not the years that count but the "how" we used our gift that count.
You also say you are jealous of your bf because he is devoid to troubles and feelings and doesn't get lonely....The only love affair he is truly having is with his drugs, you should be more empathetic with yourself and stop wasting it on him.
Don't wait until you are sitting in your rocker looking back on how you wasted all your best years on someone who was not worth your time.
Take your life back now and move towards using your life in a good way.
Love yourself you are more than worth it...Red Hawk
Dear redhawk2
Thank-you for responding to my post....i thought i was alone in my present emotional state with no one to bounce things off of but myself and at present i don't even trust my own thoughts as they tend to drift back to the good times and sugar coat the truth and keep me stuck and miserable and not able to move on and upward..
You are right my bf tends to mess up but will never fess up and expects others to to take care of biz and clean up the crap that was hiz..
I know that he is not devoid of troubles and having the good life as he wouldn't be still trying to pursue that high after all these years and the garbage still piles up and he at 51 yrs of age probably doesn't have the snap as in snap back that he did when he was 21 and all of his using buddies now are far younger than he and the last time he was in jail he had been the old dude on the block and living alone in a single squalid room...pushing a broom at temp wage with no money in the bank and 5 felonies under his belt he is pretty much hit and he knows it and now he faces a year's probation without any mood altering substance to keep the blues at bay.....he will probably get some young babe to look up to him...around his daughter's age that gave up on him a long time ago and he will mess up this young woman's life as well..
and am i jealous....YOU BET I AM (sigh)....Mary
Thank-you for responding to my post....i thought i was alone in my present emotional state with no one to bounce things off of but myself and at present i don't even trust my own thoughts as they tend to drift back to the good times and sugar coat the truth and keep me stuck and miserable and not able to move on and upward..
You are right my bf tends to mess up but will never fess up and expects others to to take care of biz and clean up the crap that was hiz..
I know that he is not devoid of troubles and having the good life as he wouldn't be still trying to pursue that high after all these years and the garbage still piles up and he at 51 yrs of age probably doesn't have the snap as in snap back that he did when he was 21 and all of his using buddies now are far younger than he and the last time he was in jail he had been the old dude on the block and living alone in a single squalid room...pushing a broom at temp wage with no money in the bank and 5 felonies under his belt he is pretty much hit and he knows it and now he faces a year's probation without any mood altering substance to keep the blues at bay.....he will probably get some young babe to look up to him...around his daughter's age that gave up on him a long time ago and he will mess up this young woman's life as well..
and am i jealous....YOU BET I AM (sigh)....Mary
Dear Mary,
Whew!! Your bf sounds like alot of work.
Question for you...you say that you would be jealous ... hummm.
Just what part of that hell would you be jealous of??
Wouldn't it be great if you turned your life around and made him jealous of your serenity? Just a thought... Hang in there, RedHawk
Whew!! Your bf sounds like alot of work.
Question for you...you say that you would be jealous ... hummm.
Just what part of that hell would you be jealous of??
Wouldn't it be great if you turned your life around and made him jealous of your serenity? Just a thought... Hang in there, RedHawk
Dear Redhawk2
Ya see my boyfriend doesn't see himself in any kinda of hellish situation...i guess the drugs and years of survival have suppressed that association for him....actually he had a hellish upbringing....birth mom dying shortly after he was born....a wicked alcoholic stepmom that both starved and beat him senselss oft times winding up in the hospital in a comatose state with ensuing bouts of amnesia....he was beaten if he showed any type of emotion be it sadness or elation so to this day when he gets excited or laughs his hand twitches spasmodically....when i first met him this particular tic wasn't apparent but of late it happens even in public and when he gets angry he clenches his fist to the point of leaving fingernail depression marks and can become very violent....when he was 11 his oldest brother's wife seduced him warning him not to tell and of course his brother found out and disowned him as opposed to the sexually abusing wife who later on seduced the paper boy and then she was sent packing....my boyfriend has been in some really bad prisons and once was thrown in solitary confinement for 6 months....a small cell with no window or light and just a hole in the floor used as a toilet and he said that he played baseball games in his head just to keep from going nuts
i guess what i am jealous of is the fact that he will survive no matter what and he by all appearances leads such a miserable addicted unlawful existence and could be interpreted by an outsider as extremely hellish...
But you never really know a person until you step inside their shoes and walk around in them and despite his false bravado he might be wrestling with hell within himself and to acknowledge that for him would be his undoing and that is what the years of crime drugs and the control/abuse of me is all about and i am in hell right now due to the loss of his love but how could a man with this brutal past be capable of loving anyone and he is the one to always profess it to me the bitter end and i who am starving for love and will take it on any level feel the loss of it severely and doing it straight is more horrible than detoxing from alcohol and he is out there probably working on his sixth felony getting stoned and getting laid and where did he put that love for me
Ya see my boyfriend doesn't see himself in any kinda of hellish situation...i guess the drugs and years of survival have suppressed that association for him....actually he had a hellish upbringing....birth mom dying shortly after he was born....a wicked alcoholic stepmom that both starved and beat him senselss oft times winding up in the hospital in a comatose state with ensuing bouts of amnesia....he was beaten if he showed any type of emotion be it sadness or elation so to this day when he gets excited or laughs his hand twitches spasmodically....when i first met him this particular tic wasn't apparent but of late it happens even in public and when he gets angry he clenches his fist to the point of leaving fingernail depression marks and can become very violent....when he was 11 his oldest brother's wife seduced him warning him not to tell and of course his brother found out and disowned him as opposed to the sexually abusing wife who later on seduced the paper boy and then she was sent packing....my boyfriend has been in some really bad prisons and once was thrown in solitary confinement for 6 months....a small cell with no window or light and just a hole in the floor used as a toilet and he said that he played baseball games in his head just to keep from going nuts
i guess what i am jealous of is the fact that he will survive no matter what and he by all appearances leads such a miserable addicted unlawful existence and could be interpreted by an outsider as extremely hellish...
But you never really know a person until you step inside their shoes and walk around in them and despite his false bravado he might be wrestling with hell within himself and to acknowledge that for him would be his undoing and that is what the years of crime drugs and the control/abuse of me is all about and i am in hell right now due to the loss of his love but how could a man with this brutal past be capable of loving anyone and he is the one to always profess it to me the bitter end and i who am starving for love and will take it on any level feel the loss of it severely and doing it straight is more horrible than detoxing from alcohol and he is out there probably working on his sixth felony getting stoned and getting laid and where did he put that love for me
Hi Mary,
Good to hear from you again.
I spent 15 yrs. living and trying to win the love of a very violent alcoholic man.
Some things sound like your bf. Although he didn't speak of his past much I know of a couple of things.
He is Indian/Mexican. He use to have to get his grandfather a glass of water and hand it to him then stand next to him with his arms folded without speaking and wait until his grandfathr was done before he could move again.
I know that his grandfather was a violent man.
When he was 13 his older brother's wife also got him to sleep with her and she became pg.
He has been in and out of jail for drinking and violence. He was know for many miles around us because of his violent behavior.
He showed his emotion with a slight twitch in the side of his jaw.
I was heart broken many times by the ways he hurt me and it didn't seem to matter to him.
How could he say he loved me yet beat me so badly my best friend didn't know that was me?
How could he charm me, love me be so good to me yet cheat with me at the drop of a hat and beat me if I ask about it. Then love me.
I spent more nights than I care to remember watching out a window for him to come home yet afraid that he would.
I look back on pictures of myself in those days and I am just a hollow shadow of a person. I am thin, there is no joy in my eyes even tho I smile. I look sad or is it sick?I look like a poster child for yuck!!
They really don't understand how to give love because they were never given the tools to feel,show or share love.
I think that in their life to love is to have someone do for them.
Yes he could be out there getting his 6th. felony and maybe getting laid with someone who is less than you I am sure.
But if he is it is by his choice, he is not that child any longer he is an adult.
Maybe he has love for you but isn't strong enough to be worthy of your love.
I found that when I stopped being his door mat and I worked on myself and relearned to love myself, that was what got his attention.
He has made many changes in his life. He has not cheated or beat me in the last 10 years.It is still no bed of roses but I know he loves me and we share a friendship and marriage that we never had in those lost 15 yrs. I also look better in pictures now too..ha. Red Hawk
Good to hear from you again.
I spent 15 yrs. living and trying to win the love of a very violent alcoholic man.
Some things sound like your bf. Although he didn't speak of his past much I know of a couple of things.
He is Indian/Mexican. He use to have to get his grandfather a glass of water and hand it to him then stand next to him with his arms folded without speaking and wait until his grandfathr was done before he could move again.
I know that his grandfather was a violent man.
When he was 13 his older brother's wife also got him to sleep with her and she became pg.
He has been in and out of jail for drinking and violence. He was know for many miles around us because of his violent behavior.
He showed his emotion with a slight twitch in the side of his jaw.
I was heart broken many times by the ways he hurt me and it didn't seem to matter to him.
How could he say he loved me yet beat me so badly my best friend didn't know that was me?
How could he charm me, love me be so good to me yet cheat with me at the drop of a hat and beat me if I ask about it. Then love me.
I spent more nights than I care to remember watching out a window for him to come home yet afraid that he would.
I look back on pictures of myself in those days and I am just a hollow shadow of a person. I am thin, there is no joy in my eyes even tho I smile. I look sad or is it sick?I look like a poster child for yuck!!
They really don't understand how to give love because they were never given the tools to feel,show or share love.
I think that in their life to love is to have someone do for them.
Yes he could be out there getting his 6th. felony and maybe getting laid with someone who is less than you I am sure.
But if he is it is by his choice, he is not that child any longer he is an adult.
Maybe he has love for you but isn't strong enough to be worthy of your love.
I found that when I stopped being his door mat and I worked on myself and relearned to love myself, that was what got his attention.
He has made many changes in his life. He has not cheated or beat me in the last 10 years.It is still no bed of roses but I know he loves me and we share a friendship and marriage that we never had in those lost 15 yrs. I also look better in pictures now too..ha. Red Hawk
Dear Redhawk,
I never think in terms of how i can be influential and turn things around for him anymore....as the more i rebel and won't swallow his lies and point out i just want him to stop all this madness and return to that strong clean outgoing kind generous protective man i met over 4 yrs ago not just for my sake but his as well as he is getting up there in yrs and friends and family members and counselors at the VA ( we were both in the US Army) have turn their backs on him...he views these as attacks as opposed to words of encouragement and will assault me with verbal and physical abuse and worst of all shun me for weeks until i have to make the first move to break the silence as i get so lonely and don't have drugs to fill the empty hours and am rather shy and don't have much of a social life.....and then i feel that i am eating crow just to have his company.....his realm of friendships are his regular using buddies who will sell each other out when the arm of the law comes down and then he blames me as if i hadn't bitched about his using when he claims he wasn't then he wouldn't have been caught in that predicament and then he gets all poor me and wants him to bail him out which i won't and then he resents me for that as that is what people who love each other do for each other and on and on and blah blah blah this downward spiraling dance goes.....and so many times i point out that he'd be happier with a chick that used but he considers himself a member of addict's elite and is better than the rest of them and all his past girlfriends either OD or stole his drugs or possessions....
My counselor always said that the best way i could let him have it is to get my own life together as he knows i am addicted to him and gets some kinda of ego building sick satisfaction in that....but at present i am a mess and wondering what he is doing and who with and does he tell her he has Hep C and uses a needle...
Why do they keep telling us they "love" us....i know it is a form of manipulation on their part as well as control.....but did ya ever think that deep deep deep down inside of them they want to feel connected and not be totally alone...and when you do drugs and with a partner that does drugs what kind of relating is going on there.....yeah i am about to get dumped.....sigh....Mary
I never think in terms of how i can be influential and turn things around for him anymore....as the more i rebel and won't swallow his lies and point out i just want him to stop all this madness and return to that strong clean outgoing kind generous protective man i met over 4 yrs ago not just for my sake but his as well as he is getting up there in yrs and friends and family members and counselors at the VA ( we were both in the US Army) have turn their backs on him...he views these as attacks as opposed to words of encouragement and will assault me with verbal and physical abuse and worst of all shun me for weeks until i have to make the first move to break the silence as i get so lonely and don't have drugs to fill the empty hours and am rather shy and don't have much of a social life.....and then i feel that i am eating crow just to have his company.....his realm of friendships are his regular using buddies who will sell each other out when the arm of the law comes down and then he blames me as if i hadn't bitched about his using when he claims he wasn't then he wouldn't have been caught in that predicament and then he gets all poor me and wants him to bail him out which i won't and then he resents me for that as that is what people who love each other do for each other and on and on and blah blah blah this downward spiraling dance goes.....and so many times i point out that he'd be happier with a chick that used but he considers himself a member of addict's elite and is better than the rest of them and all his past girlfriends either OD or stole his drugs or possessions....
My counselor always said that the best way i could let him have it is to get my own life together as he knows i am addicted to him and gets some kinda of ego building sick satisfaction in that....but at present i am a mess and wondering what he is doing and who with and does he tell her he has Hep C and uses a needle...
Why do they keep telling us they "love" us....i know it is a form of manipulation on their part as well as control.....but did ya ever think that deep deep deep down inside of them they want to feel connected and not be totally alone...and when you do drugs and with a partner that does drugs what kind of relating is going on there.....yeah i am about to get dumped.....sigh....Mary
Mary,
I suppose him being able to trample all over you must really boost his ego. Seems to me you have 2 choices, either eat humble pie a crawl back to him and accept him for what he is, or sort your life out. Crawling back to him you will have no control on what happens as you will have to accept whatever he lays on you, drugs, women and abuse. If he does get you down to his level he would only throw that back in your face as another failure on your part.
Since he's most likely to be on heroin do you really think he's giving these babes a good time, more likely he's a laughing stock. He's getting older and slower as time goes on, where will he end up. Do you want to end up there with him?
Think about what you counsellor says, the funny thing is if you got your life together he would probably want you back.
I suppose him being able to trample all over you must really boost his ego. Seems to me you have 2 choices, either eat humble pie a crawl back to him and accept him for what he is, or sort your life out. Crawling back to him you will have no control on what happens as you will have to accept whatever he lays on you, drugs, women and abuse. If he does get you down to his level he would only throw that back in your face as another failure on your part.
Since he's most likely to be on heroin do you really think he's giving these babes a good time, more likely he's a laughing stock. He's getting older and slower as time goes on, where will he end up. Do you want to end up there with him?
Think about what you counsellor says, the funny thing is if you got your life together he would probably want you back.
Dear Broadway,
Well if i don't crawl over to him and take the bus i know instead that squalid mouse infested room where he currently resides will give me the crawls...Actually for a 51 yr old dude he is in pretty good shape and has very long white hair and is covered with tattoos....my name is on his right breast along with all these other names of deceased drug related past girlfriends and the names of his daughter and granddaughter....his daughter warned me not to stay with him if he messed up a second time and 20 times down the road i wonder what she would think knowing that her dad can be seen on the Internet busted for drug trafficking and when he is on heroin he is sorta of a limp noodle in the old sackeroo if ya catch my drift....I know he got my letter asking him to please tell me if there is someone else and just call and tell me it is over so i won't go over to his place if he doesn't want me to....of course i didn't ask him if he was using cause that would send him thru the roof but i think that is why is he is hiding out so to speak.....i should be rejecting him and yet he is setting it up as to reject me and it is going to be my loss cause he is such a catch as in AIDS...sexually transmitted diseases...Hep C...and if the cops were doing their duty they would be catching him right now...
So Broadway do you think i should go over to his place if i don't hear from him via mail or phone by the weekend or should i just take that as a get lost non verbal message...i gotta know so i can get some kind of closure here as this wondering and speculating is driving me nuts and if there is another woman i would never ever accept him back.....
Have you ever been to New York City in these here United States....and seen the lights on old Broadway....anyway thanx for all your advice....Mary
Well if i don't crawl over to him and take the bus i know instead that squalid mouse infested room where he currently resides will give me the crawls...Actually for a 51 yr old dude he is in pretty good shape and has very long white hair and is covered with tattoos....my name is on his right breast along with all these other names of deceased drug related past girlfriends and the names of his daughter and granddaughter....his daughter warned me not to stay with him if he messed up a second time and 20 times down the road i wonder what she would think knowing that her dad can be seen on the Internet busted for drug trafficking and when he is on heroin he is sorta of a limp noodle in the old sackeroo if ya catch my drift....I know he got my letter asking him to please tell me if there is someone else and just call and tell me it is over so i won't go over to his place if he doesn't want me to....of course i didn't ask him if he was using cause that would send him thru the roof but i think that is why is he is hiding out so to speak.....i should be rejecting him and yet he is setting it up as to reject me and it is going to be my loss cause he is such a catch as in AIDS...sexually transmitted diseases...Hep C...and if the cops were doing their duty they would be catching him right now...
So Broadway do you think i should go over to his place if i don't hear from him via mail or phone by the weekend or should i just take that as a get lost non verbal message...i gotta know so i can get some kind of closure here as this wondering and speculating is driving me nuts and if there is another woman i would never ever accept him back.....
Have you ever been to New York City in these here United States....and seen the lights on old Broadway....anyway thanx for all your advice....Mary
Mary,
As you so eloquently put it, how's he going to show the babes a good time with a limp noodle. I like the idea of his tally on his chest, does it make you feel special to be on his roll of honour - or is it his kills. LOL.
Should you go and see him? Honestly, I do not know, I do not know enough about you to tell you what to do. If we were best friends and knew all about you and I told you what to do would you take any notice? As he has ignored you for 3 weeks he cannot care for much. If he loved or cared for you would he insist on unprotected sex since he has hep C. He just loves the power he has over you and the fact he can treat you like dirt, and you just come back for more.
You don't need him to close it, you can do it yourself if you want to. If you must write to him and tell him you are finished with him.
Never been to NYS, not really much of a traveller - hate packing. If I could just take myself off that might be a different matter.
As you so eloquently put it, how's he going to show the babes a good time with a limp noodle. I like the idea of his tally on his chest, does it make you feel special to be on his roll of honour - or is it his kills. LOL.
Should you go and see him? Honestly, I do not know, I do not know enough about you to tell you what to do. If we were best friends and knew all about you and I told you what to do would you take any notice? As he has ignored you for 3 weeks he cannot care for much. If he loved or cared for you would he insist on unprotected sex since he has hep C. He just loves the power he has over you and the fact he can treat you like dirt, and you just come back for more.
You don't need him to close it, you can do it yourself if you want to. If you must write to him and tell him you are finished with him.
Never been to NYS, not really much of a traveller - hate packing. If I could just take myself off that might be a different matter.
Mary,
Addicts are not capable of loving other people. It's as simple as that. It is not your fault, it has nothing to do with you. It is about him and his addiction. His 'girlfriend' is heroin. This man is manipulating you to get what he wants. As long as he knows you'll always be there for him, he has no motivation to treat you any differently. He is getting what he wants out of this relationship, so why change? He might not even have another woman now and if he does, it's his loss. He had the chance to be with someone like you and he blew it. Someday he will regret losing you, but not until he gets clean. And as hard as it is, don't expect him to act like he cares right now, as I said addicts love nothing but the drugs. Accept that you can't make him change. I have been in that situation and accepting that I could not stop my boyfriend from using was the hardest thing I ever did. But you are a very strong person and you can do it. He sounds like he had a very hard life but that is not an excuse to be abusive to you. Continue counseling and go to support groups to meet other people who are in the same situation as you. You are not alone. I will be praying for you.
Addicts are not capable of loving other people. It's as simple as that. It is not your fault, it has nothing to do with you. It is about him and his addiction. His 'girlfriend' is heroin. This man is manipulating you to get what he wants. As long as he knows you'll always be there for him, he has no motivation to treat you any differently. He is getting what he wants out of this relationship, so why change? He might not even have another woman now and if he does, it's his loss. He had the chance to be with someone like you and he blew it. Someday he will regret losing you, but not until he gets clean. And as hard as it is, don't expect him to act like he cares right now, as I said addicts love nothing but the drugs. Accept that you can't make him change. I have been in that situation and accepting that I could not stop my boyfriend from using was the hardest thing I ever did. But you are a very strong person and you can do it. He sounds like he had a very hard life but that is not an excuse to be abusive to you. Continue counseling and go to support groups to meet other people who are in the same situation as you. You are not alone. I will be praying for you.
Dear Onyx,
Thank-you for sharing your experience hope and love with me as i gather strength from the caring replies that you and others have taken the time to write to one who is really struggling at the moment...i feel so lonely and lost at times and unloved....and tho i wish my bf would contact me and end my suffering it makes me so angry that his rejection of me is mostly based on my not being able to swallow his lies after 4 years...sure people fall out of love and are attracted to new people but if that is the case with him let him be man enough to tell me straight up....hey he's man enuff to knock me around and square off with people at his job and brandish a knife at my upstair neighbor who had served 2 tours in Vietnam as a US Army Cpt. and this neighbor just laughed and walked off...
God was good to him and let him not get convicted of that drug trafficking charge of which he claimed he was innocent as he has of all his past felonies and just get possession instead and a year's probation....and if he is using and he probably is and he was guilty of that drug trafficking charge but i will leave that alone....then he is playing with fire cause i think even God is gonna get fed up with his nonsense and he will send me to hell when i off myself cause i have lost the love of this man...it would have been so much easier for me to get over him if he just had been sent to jail.....but life ain't that easy i guess..
Thank you for advice and sharing.....Mary
Thank-you for sharing your experience hope and love with me as i gather strength from the caring replies that you and others have taken the time to write to one who is really struggling at the moment...i feel so lonely and lost at times and unloved....and tho i wish my bf would contact me and end my suffering it makes me so angry that his rejection of me is mostly based on my not being able to swallow his lies after 4 years...sure people fall out of love and are attracted to new people but if that is the case with him let him be man enough to tell me straight up....hey he's man enuff to knock me around and square off with people at his job and brandish a knife at my upstair neighbor who had served 2 tours in Vietnam as a US Army Cpt. and this neighbor just laughed and walked off...
God was good to him and let him not get convicted of that drug trafficking charge of which he claimed he was innocent as he has of all his past felonies and just get possession instead and a year's probation....and if he is using and he probably is and he was guilty of that drug trafficking charge but i will leave that alone....then he is playing with fire cause i think even God is gonna get fed up with his nonsense and he will send me to hell when i off myself cause i have lost the love of this man...it would have been so much easier for me to get over him if he just had been sent to jail.....but life ain't that easy i guess..
Thank you for advice and sharing.....Mary
