Well, I started reading the big book of AA last night. After the first two chapters I decided I can't possibly be an alcoholic because I am not like that. Great!! I started imagining having a drink, how wonderful it would be - my best friend, it would feel amazing. I am not like that book describes, I don't end up in hospital because of my drinking, great, I can't be that bad. Alcoholics can't quit, but I have, brilliant. Can't quit and can't control it - well, that's not me is it!!
I had lots of dreams about drinking. Sneaky ones like opening a bottle of beer for my sister, but oops it was a bit frothy, I just had to drink the head off so it wouldn't spill all over the place.
This morning, perhaps it isn't such a pretty picture. Can I ever drink again. Well, I spent years trying everything to drink like normal people, and I am still hoping that maybe one day it could happen - well, that is the sign of an alcoholic. When I drink, there is no way I can control it, no way. I have tried time and time again different methods to drink normally with control, but I can't. I drink to oblivion most the time. Guess that is the sign of an alcoholic. And thinking I don't end up in hospital because of drinking, well what is the emergency department then? I have been there several times over the years because of my drinking.
I think the alcoholic in me really saw a chance when I started the book, very cunning. Reading about myself but still denying it!!
I know I keep going on about whether I am an alcoholic or not, but it is a weird one, and nobody will tell you, you have to work it out for yourself. Guess it is just taking me a long time!!
Gidday Lacey
Deep down i think you know the answer and the addictive side of you is waiting for someone to come along and say a drink is okay and you arent an alky, cunning, baffling and powerful is our mate addiction.
Addiction is panicking in you at the moment because each day sober is another day stronger in sobriety so keep posting and talking and going to AA meetings if you can and share if you get the chance.
Light and love Zac
Deep down i think you know the answer and the addictive side of you is waiting for someone to come along and say a drink is okay and you arent an alky, cunning, baffling and powerful is our mate addiction.
Addiction is panicking in you at the moment because each day sober is another day stronger in sobriety so keep posting and talking and going to AA meetings if you can and share if you get the chance.
Light and love Zac
Lacey...alcoholism is cunning...and even after many 24's...sometimes a little peep of a thought goes through my mind...but I do know where it will all lead and I know for me following it all through in my mind...from that first drink on...reminds me that nothing good ever happens...
Thanks for sharing....Love Gina
Thanks for sharing....Love Gina
I called at my parents house for a coffee and a chat earlier in the week and while i was there,there was a chat show on the tv about alcoholism.
They know that i have not had a drink for almost 3 years and attend AA meetings on a regular basis, but while that show was on the tv my mum commented that she does not think i'm an alky' cos i dont look like one...
Well did my head take off... i sat there and thought to myself hey maybe she's right maybe your not really an alky after all ? maybe you've over reacted a bit going to AA etc etc..
Then i thought about how it was at the end of my drinking... not being able to go downstairs in the morning without pouring neat vodka down my neck first,or god forbid if i woke up at 3 or 4 oclock in the morning and had no alcohol in the house the feeling of utter terror and fear and guilt,shame,remorse,despair and all the other crap that went with it.
So yes this disease is definately cunning.
I also know after a period of 5 years sobriety and then giving the booze another go that this is a progressive i'llness, and gets worse as i found out to my own expense....
paul
They know that i have not had a drink for almost 3 years and attend AA meetings on a regular basis, but while that show was on the tv my mum commented that she does not think i'm an alky' cos i dont look like one...
Well did my head take off... i sat there and thought to myself hey maybe she's right maybe your not really an alky after all ? maybe you've over reacted a bit going to AA etc etc..
Then i thought about how it was at the end of my drinking... not being able to go downstairs in the morning without pouring neat vodka down my neck first,or god forbid if i woke up at 3 or 4 oclock in the morning and had no alcohol in the house the feeling of utter terror and fear and guilt,shame,remorse,despair and all the other crap that went with it.
So yes this disease is definately cunning.
I also know after a period of 5 years sobriety and then giving the booze another go that this is a progressive i'llness, and gets worse as i found out to my own expense....
paul
Thanks all.
I read some more of the big book last night and could definatley relate myself to it, but I have got this thing screaming in my head..... but I am not as sick as other people. I was crossing the line of becoming physically addicted, I was definatley going there. Somehow, and I am so grateful, I didn't fully cross the line and completely loose myself in it. I think on a scale of 1 to 10, I was tipping into number 6.
Stained glass saved my life!! I was interested in it from a child as it was my dads trade. Without it, I would have had nothing worth saving myself for, but all those bits of stained glass I had to do just about kept my head above water because I had commitments I had to keep, and they were to my dad. Hard as it was, especially when all I wanted was drink, it saved me. I am blessed actually to have had that interest, really really lucky.
Anyway, I am completely self centred, resentful, self pitying, dishonest and fearful. Funny that considering I don't really believe I am alcoholic! Funny also how the remembrance of negative consequences that have stopped me drinking so far have faded as I am really contemplating a life without drink. The little devil is trying to persuade me to drink again just to prove that I am not alcoholic. Yeah right. It is talking to the person who drove 200 miles after hardly any sleep and with a steaming hangover - probably still drunk, who nodded off twice at the wheel, to be jolted awake when the car mounted the kerb - just to get home to the local pub for the evening. Such was the desperation for a drink, I nearly killed myself!!
Nah, I haven't got a drink problem have I?!!!!
I read some more of the big book last night and could definatley relate myself to it, but I have got this thing screaming in my head..... but I am not as sick as other people. I was crossing the line of becoming physically addicted, I was definatley going there. Somehow, and I am so grateful, I didn't fully cross the line and completely loose myself in it. I think on a scale of 1 to 10, I was tipping into number 6.
Stained glass saved my life!! I was interested in it from a child as it was my dads trade. Without it, I would have had nothing worth saving myself for, but all those bits of stained glass I had to do just about kept my head above water because I had commitments I had to keep, and they were to my dad. Hard as it was, especially when all I wanted was drink, it saved me. I am blessed actually to have had that interest, really really lucky.
Anyway, I am completely self centred, resentful, self pitying, dishonest and fearful. Funny that considering I don't really believe I am alcoholic! Funny also how the remembrance of negative consequences that have stopped me drinking so far have faded as I am really contemplating a life without drink. The little devil is trying to persuade me to drink again just to prove that I am not alcoholic. Yeah right. It is talking to the person who drove 200 miles after hardly any sleep and with a steaming hangover - probably still drunk, who nodded off twice at the wheel, to be jolted awake when the car mounted the kerb - just to get home to the local pub for the evening. Such was the desperation for a drink, I nearly killed myself!!
Nah, I haven't got a drink problem have I?!!!!
