Hello my old friends (did check and there are still some of you around, Jack and Susan to name two I happened to scan read your names. Sorry I haven't read much of your posts, it's not that I'm not interested or don't care, it's the opposite in fact, and know I'll get sucked back in! Although this board was terrific therapy for me for years, there comes a time when you just feel the time is right to quietly close the door and slip away, which is what I did. I hope that you are all OK, and life is treating you well.
Life for me is pretty good. Obviously still clean (dunno why that should be obvious, but it is to me - when you've worked so hard to put your life back together, you don't just self sabotage it all over again. That would be so pointless). Anyway, I am currently helping Rowan writing out the alphabet (she's doing very well with her reading and writing at school - she'll be 5 this year, if you can believe it) and have spent the day doing normal stuff - took the truck for it's MOT today, it passed, thank God, coz I'm skint after Xmas. Played Hobbit on the Xbox with little Cai (don't raise your eyebrows, he's unbelievable for a two yr old!). Picked my girl up from school and cooked tea. All the trappings of a humdrum normal life. Who would have thought it eh? Rewind 7, 8, 9 yrs + and those things were just completely out of my reach. Heroin so completely swallowed me whole, I just could not even imagine having a life without it, and to be honest, I didn't want a life without it - it terrified me, I thought I'd die of misery without it. Funny, huh, couldn't see that I was dying of misery because of it!
Do I still think about it? Occassionally. Once in a blue moon I get this crazy half baked idea that in the right circumstances I'd just do it one more time. Fortunately these ideas last about 30 secs before I realise it's the dumbest idea I've ever had, to risk all I have now for something that I've already done to death. Heroin doesn't change, but I have. Am I consumed with this awful feeling that I've given up something that made me feel so good? Feck off! No way! That is what I was afraid of, but I don't miss it for a second. I do still have the occassional heroin dream, but they don't haunt me, it's just something that happens once in a while. Do I regret it, being an addict I mean? No, coz it made me who I am, I learned from it so they weren't wasted yrs, and my life is amazing now. I do stuff now that I never thought I could. All the places I go with the kids, the friends I have, the peace of mind I have. I bought a massive 21ft caravan last yr, and we do loads of festivals, and camping, and just going places with my lovely kids, and my wonderful friends. Every time I smile or laugh out loud, I think how lucky I am. Without everything I went through I think I would be blase about these things, then they wouldn't be so precious, and I wouldn't be so aware of how amazing life is.
So there is so much life after heroin, and climbing that mountain was the best thing I ever did. To anybody wondering if there is a way out, of course there is, but there's no easy way out. It a hard road, but eventually the going gets easier, and before you know it you're freewheeling down hill with your feet in the air, laughing like you never knew you could.
Happy New Year, old friends, and to those who have no idea who I am. Hope life is kind to you. So long my dears, just a ghost passing through....
love
Diff xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Posted: June 16, 2008, 11:34 AM
Posts: 1472
Joined: August 27, 2004
Well, guys, thought I'd pop in after an absence, just to say thanks for being good friends to me - you all know who you are, I'm not gonna list you all. But life has moved on, and I just don't have the time or the inclination to post here any more. It's been 3 long years since I last used heroin, I've been off my script for over two years, and I've moved on. I wish you all the very best, and hope that you all find your way to wherever you want to be, and I wish you peace and happiness. Heroin is no longer a part of my life, and cravings are a distant memory. I feel it's an appropriate time to say goodbye.
Life is good
much love to you all
Diff xxxxxxxx
Hey ol friend
Can you even believe its been 4 yrs since you said goodbye to this board? 8 since you first posted?
Happy all is well
Your life has been transformed so much its unbelievable to go back and read over a couple of your old posts from when the struggle was going on*
As for me - still on methadone( pu 13take homes 2 times a month)- now on my klinics advocacy group to assist those in recovery who run into roadblocks with federal and state regulations. Many patients just take the klinics policy as bible- and they end up getting screwed, so being as I'm an old pro at this I volunteered a couple of yrs ago . With agencies like SAMSHA, NAMA,and others we work hard to change the stigma of those who use medicine to help in thier recovery. Went to a big conference in NYC a yr ago, las Vegas is this yrs venue ,I'm gonna have to skip it- -we have to pay for our own travels- -Nurses,Doctors,Patients, Administrators, counselors all get together and get educated on the trials and tribulations of recovery- it really is a positive program
Anyway- soo glad you stopped by-!!!
- >think about you now and then __ you were one of my first contacts here 7 or 8 yrs ago and a major influence
Happy New year Diff-
much love and much respect
jack
Posts: 1472
Joined: August 27, 2004
Well, guys, thought I'd pop in after an absence, just to say thanks for being good friends to me - you all know who you are, I'm not gonna list you all. But life has moved on, and I just don't have the time or the inclination to post here any more. It's been 3 long years since I last used heroin, I've been off my script for over two years, and I've moved on. I wish you all the very best, and hope that you all find your way to wherever you want to be, and I wish you peace and happiness. Heroin is no longer a part of my life, and cravings are a distant memory. I feel it's an appropriate time to say goodbye.
Life is good
much love to you all
Diff xxxxxxxx
Hey ol friend
Can you even believe its been 4 yrs since you said goodbye to this board? 8 since you first posted?
Happy all is well
Your life has been transformed so much its unbelievable to go back and read over a couple of your old posts from when the struggle was going on*
As for me - still on methadone( pu 13take homes 2 times a month)- now on my klinics advocacy group to assist those in recovery who run into roadblocks with federal and state regulations. Many patients just take the klinics policy as bible- and they end up getting screwed, so being as I'm an old pro at this I volunteered a couple of yrs ago . With agencies like SAMSHA, NAMA,and others we work hard to change the stigma of those who use medicine to help in thier recovery. Went to a big conference in NYC a yr ago, las Vegas is this yrs venue ,I'm gonna have to skip it- -we have to pay for our own travels- -Nurses,Doctors,Patients, Administrators, counselors all get together and get educated on the trials and tribulations of recovery- it really is a positive program
Anyway- soo glad you stopped by-!!!
- >think about you now and then __ you were one of my first contacts here 7 or 8 yrs ago and a major influence
Happy New year Diff-
much love and much respect
jack
hi i'm really just wanting some advice and reassurance i suppose! i read your post and it gives me hope my boyfriend is on heroine and i suppose either i was nievev or i ignored what that really meant! when we re aquaintedafter years apart he was on a methodone program and had been on it fora year being someone who is quite straight i thought he could get off no snags if he wanted too enough ! well he went away for 4 weeks and got clean as soon as he got to his town he stated again now ge is back on the h he was meant to start the thomas recipe detox today but wevwent back to his town to see his mum before an na meeting and whilst i suat in his mum he stole my car key and went and scored! tomorrow is a new day and we start again but we won't be going back to his home town anytime soon!! i love him too bits but i'm scared tomorrow is the first detox day fingers crossed any advice? My Webpage
Hi, Diff!
I hope you check back when you get a chance. It was WONDERFUL to hear about your life and how far you have come! I am SO PROUD of you, girl! You have fought so hard to get where you are! I can't believe your little girl will be 5 already....and I didn't even know you had a little boy too! Sounds like they bring you a lot of joy and you sound like a great mom. :)
Since we talked, I got 1 more granddaughter and we have reconnected with our oldest grandson, so I am very happily busy with my 5 grandchildren and 3 children. My son got married in November of 2008. He is still on the suboxone program but he doesn't go to meetings. He has had several relapses but he's never gotten as bad as that horrible first ordeal. Still, I worry when I see the dreaded signs that he's relapsed. I KNOW it's his journey and he has to help himself but as a mom it breaks your heart to watch the struggle. I KNOW too that he doesn't mean/want to hurt us.
I don't visit the board like I used to, but I peek in once in a while to see how everyone is doing and to seek help when I need to be with people who understand addiction. I think of you often and my heart leaped when I saw your post. So good to hear from you!
Love,
Susan
I hope you check back when you get a chance. It was WONDERFUL to hear about your life and how far you have come! I am SO PROUD of you, girl! You have fought so hard to get where you are! I can't believe your little girl will be 5 already....and I didn't even know you had a little boy too! Sounds like they bring you a lot of joy and you sound like a great mom. :)
Since we talked, I got 1 more granddaughter and we have reconnected with our oldest grandson, so I am very happily busy with my 5 grandchildren and 3 children. My son got married in November of 2008. He is still on the suboxone program but he doesn't go to meetings. He has had several relapses but he's never gotten as bad as that horrible first ordeal. Still, I worry when I see the dreaded signs that he's relapsed. I KNOW it's his journey and he has to help himself but as a mom it breaks your heart to watch the struggle. I KNOW too that he doesn't mean/want to hurt us.
I don't visit the board like I used to, but I peek in once in a while to see how everyone is doing and to seek help when I need to be with people who understand addiction. I think of you often and my heart leaped when I saw your post. So good to hear from you!
Love,
Susan
Dear Fiona,
I am certainly no expert but I can tell you that in most cases the addicts will struggle against their addiction all their lives. My son, too, promised his girlfriend that he would never use again while he was in recovery. She believed him and married him. Now she is at wits ends because he has relapsed twice since they married in 2008. They are struggling financially and when he's busy trying to find ways to score they don't have much of a marriage. I keep hoping and praying that he gets strong enough to get and stay clean. They don't mean to hurt or worry us....but they do nonetheless. I pray every day that God will send his angels to surround and protect my son until he finds the strength to fight this. I will keep you and your boyfriend in my prayers as well. I recommend you post your story on the Families/Loved Ones Forum. There are a LOT of wonderful, caring, and helpful people there who understand what you're going through. Take care of you!
God bless!
Susan
I am certainly no expert but I can tell you that in most cases the addicts will struggle against their addiction all their lives. My son, too, promised his girlfriend that he would never use again while he was in recovery. She believed him and married him. Now she is at wits ends because he has relapsed twice since they married in 2008. They are struggling financially and when he's busy trying to find ways to score they don't have much of a marriage. I keep hoping and praying that he gets strong enough to get and stay clean. They don't mean to hurt or worry us....but they do nonetheless. I pray every day that God will send his angels to surround and protect my son until he finds the strength to fight this. I will keep you and your boyfriend in my prayers as well. I recommend you post your story on the Families/Loved Ones Forum. There are a LOT of wonderful, caring, and helpful people there who understand what you're going through. Take care of you!
God bless!
Susan
Jack it's 10 yrs since I first posted my friend, 10 yrs. And this year I will hit my 7 yr clean anniversary. Glad to see you're doing so many positive things, and you are doing so well.
Susan, sorry that Harry is still struggling - It took me a long time to get to the point where the fog lifted and I knew what I had to do. Each in their own time. But you handle it so well - I can only imagine what it does to you inside - I know I would tear the sun, moon and stars out of the sky to protect my kids from one second of pain, but when the enemy is within, it's impossible. My heart goes out to you.
And Fiona, those people who still remember me here would tell you that I don't give out platitudes, and often say things that people don't particularly want to hear, but no point in saying otherwise. I can't offer you reassurance. Most addicts want to be clean the way normal folks want to win the lottery, Yeah, it would be great, but how often to we even buy a ticket? A fantasy. It's hard work. The hardest thing I ever did. For many years I had this fantasy that one day I'd be rescued from the hell I'd created for myself. I did all kinds of detoxes, inpatient, outpatient, methodone reduction, cold turkey blah blah blah. In the end I just sort of woke up one morning and realised that I was sick to death of it all, and I wanted to LIVE. I was genuinely prepared to do whatever it took. I had to leave my dying partner (he eventually passed away in 2008), who I loved dearly and miss so much, cut myself off from everyone I knew, and force myself to get up every morning and get on with the business of living, even though sometimes I cried all day. It was a massive mountain to climb and I did it one little step at a time. Soon though even the little steps add up and you find yourself covering the distance. I think I've repaired most of the damage now but some things you can never wipe out. Anyway what I'm tryin to say is there is no magic wand to wave and it's not as easy as just stopping the junk. It's a knock it down and start again job.
As for advice, the only advice I can give you is don't expect miracles. Put yourself first coz you can be damned sure he won't - he's already having a full on relationship with heroin and you will always be his bit on the side, no matter how much he tells you different. You are not his saviour, you can't help him. In your situation I'd run like hell, because believe me you are setting yourself up for a life time of grief, and I'd save myself the pain and cut my losses. Overcoming addiction taught me to be selfish about happiness. I deserve it and I'm not throwing it all away on someone who'll take everything I've got to give, and more, and can give me nothing but pain in return. If he really wants to get clean clean then he'll do it with or without you, but I wouldn't start holding your breath. Sorry if it's not what you wanted to hear. You're an adult though, and you'll ultimately do what you want to do, but if I were you I wouldn't waste years of my life finding out.
Over and out -
Diff xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Susan, sorry that Harry is still struggling - It took me a long time to get to the point where the fog lifted and I knew what I had to do. Each in their own time. But you handle it so well - I can only imagine what it does to you inside - I know I would tear the sun, moon and stars out of the sky to protect my kids from one second of pain, but when the enemy is within, it's impossible. My heart goes out to you.
And Fiona, those people who still remember me here would tell you that I don't give out platitudes, and often say things that people don't particularly want to hear, but no point in saying otherwise. I can't offer you reassurance. Most addicts want to be clean the way normal folks want to win the lottery, Yeah, it would be great, but how often to we even buy a ticket? A fantasy. It's hard work. The hardest thing I ever did. For many years I had this fantasy that one day I'd be rescued from the hell I'd created for myself. I did all kinds of detoxes, inpatient, outpatient, methodone reduction, cold turkey blah blah blah. In the end I just sort of woke up one morning and realised that I was sick to death of it all, and I wanted to LIVE. I was genuinely prepared to do whatever it took. I had to leave my dying partner (he eventually passed away in 2008), who I loved dearly and miss so much, cut myself off from everyone I knew, and force myself to get up every morning and get on with the business of living, even though sometimes I cried all day. It was a massive mountain to climb and I did it one little step at a time. Soon though even the little steps add up and you find yourself covering the distance. I think I've repaired most of the damage now but some things you can never wipe out. Anyway what I'm tryin to say is there is no magic wand to wave and it's not as easy as just stopping the junk. It's a knock it down and start again job.
As for advice, the only advice I can give you is don't expect miracles. Put yourself first coz you can be damned sure he won't - he's already having a full on relationship with heroin and you will always be his bit on the side, no matter how much he tells you different. You are not his saviour, you can't help him. In your situation I'd run like hell, because believe me you are setting yourself up for a life time of grief, and I'd save myself the pain and cut my losses. Overcoming addiction taught me to be selfish about happiness. I deserve it and I'm not throwing it all away on someone who'll take everything I've got to give, and more, and can give me nothing but pain in return. If he really wants to get clean clean then he'll do it with or without you, but I wouldn't start holding your breath. Sorry if it's not what you wanted to hear. You're an adult though, and you'll ultimately do what you want to do, but if I were you I wouldn't waste years of my life finding out.
Over and out -
Diff xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Fiona - when my ex stole my car while I was sleeping and my last 20 bucks, that was it for me.
I wanted to quit, he didn't (I'm a heroin addict as well).
He is a very selfish man and also, in horrible shape. But I let him go. I knew he'd cause me nothing buy pain and hinder my recovery. I honestly HAD to be selfish and sort of cold and cut him off. I decided to love me more and take care of me for a change. It comes from within. Nothing you can say or do will help him. This is his personal battle to fight.
I don't know Diff, but man - I just thought that post he wrote was dead on. All of it is true. I would love it if you'd post more Diff - I'm a month into my recovery and your words of wisdome could really, really help me I am sure.
Fiona - what Diff said - especially what he told you towards the end...about getting the eff out of there. Seriously, don't waste years of your life on this...and it could be more than just years he'll take from you..it could be money and your sanity as well. Trust me, I'm an addict and when I was buying everyday and using money I was supposed to use to pay bills to buy drugs, nothing was stopping me. Your boyfriend will never stop because you want him too. He'll stop if and when he's ever ready. My ex - I have doubts that he'll ever be "ready". But I was. So I had to drop him like a hot potato. I suggest you do the same lest you end up miserable and in pain. I know you love him "to bits" (I thought that was so cute) and I'm sure he loves you too. But he's incapable of loving you like you love him right now. His brain is wired differently right now and no matter what you do, he will stay in this cycle until he wants out for real, in his head and in his heart.
Best of luck honey. ((((hugs)))) I pray you have the strength and the intelligence to get the he*l out of dodge now, before it gets to be horrible beyond what you can imagine.
Love,
Melissa
I wanted to quit, he didn't (I'm a heroin addict as well).
He is a very selfish man and also, in horrible shape. But I let him go. I knew he'd cause me nothing buy pain and hinder my recovery. I honestly HAD to be selfish and sort of cold and cut him off. I decided to love me more and take care of me for a change. It comes from within. Nothing you can say or do will help him. This is his personal battle to fight.
I don't know Diff, but man - I just thought that post he wrote was dead on. All of it is true. I would love it if you'd post more Diff - I'm a month into my recovery and your words of wisdome could really, really help me I am sure.
Fiona - what Diff said - especially what he told you towards the end...about getting the eff out of there. Seriously, don't waste years of your life on this...and it could be more than just years he'll take from you..it could be money and your sanity as well. Trust me, I'm an addict and when I was buying everyday and using money I was supposed to use to pay bills to buy drugs, nothing was stopping me. Your boyfriend will never stop because you want him too. He'll stop if and when he's ever ready. My ex - I have doubts that he'll ever be "ready". But I was. So I had to drop him like a hot potato. I suggest you do the same lest you end up miserable and in pain. I know you love him "to bits" (I thought that was so cute) and I'm sure he loves you too. But he's incapable of loving you like you love him right now. His brain is wired differently right now and no matter what you do, he will stay in this cycle until he wants out for real, in his head and in his heart.
Best of luck honey. ((((hugs)))) I pray you have the strength and the intelligence to get the he*l out of dodge now, before it gets to be horrible beyond what you can imagine.
Love,
Melissa
Diff it is so great to read your update, and I wish you all the best with everything in life. Enjoy it all!
And Fiona, you could always jump to the family board and get some support whether you choose to stay or leave. And in either case it won't matter what that choice is but that you somewhere along the line get proactive and start taking care of you and allow him to take care of himself, oh and he can, he surely can.
And Fiona, you could always jump to the family board and get some support whether you choose to stay or leave. And in either case it won't matter what that choice is but that you somewhere along the line get proactive and start taking care of you and allow him to take care of himself, oh and he can, he surely can.
Hey Diff, so good to hear that you are happy and stable. I had a relaspe 2010 went back on methadone, i'm still attending the clinic and going to groups. I have not used sience sept.2010. Learning a lot but, not ready yet to go it without the methadone. I have not said a formal goodbye to the board I read more then I reply. I don't use the board like I once did YEARS AGO the clinic take a lot of my time + I work full time as a Nurse aide. You and I were pregnant at the same time my Robby just turned 5 in December. It was nice to get a update on your life and it was no suprise to me you are still clean :)
