Im facing some pretty heavy adjustments right now.Im clean 3 months,ims tarting meetings and im taking all the steps i feel i need to get myself back together.Im finding my evreyday life is changing because of it.I hate getting too personal but ive had a very sad/upsetting thing happen to me today.Since ive gotten clean ive changed,i no longer sit back and go with the flow,ive been speaking my mind,and taking less bulls*** from ALL in my life.I dont LOOK for confrontation,i hate it immensly.But my husband and i were having an argument today(and lately there"ve been more and more because im no longer going with HIS flow)In the heat of the moment he said"You need to go get yourself a chill pill!" i was devistated.You can imagine how it went from there.What im getting at is,did any of you find you no longer sat back and started speaking your mind more once you got clean.I think for the longest time ive have just let my husband do and say what he wanted rather than rock the boat,but no more.I want to be happy and i want respect and i see this more clearly everyday and he hates it.I think he would rather i go back to the docile drugged up Stepford Wife i was.Thats why i am going tomorrow night to my first womens group i have SO many issues i need to address.Im not asking othres to open up and tell your presonal storeis im just wondering if this is normal.Does this type off thing happen to any of you?~KIM
Lol i remember the last time i went ct. I play poker every tuesday night. I was off the vics for 2 weeks and stil very hyper and that weird wd that wont go away for a month or sooo
I remmeber i kind of yelled at the guys and one said take a chil pill or take a perc. I was like nooooo
Im doing well today is day 6 off the sub, getting stronger every day. This time is different that last. I didnt apreaciate how severe or dangerous vicodin is. I dont plan on using again. So help me God. I just had the first dinner in a week with my family talked and laughed for an hour. Boy i needed that, They had no idea thought i had the flu this week
Hoping tonight i find sleep
RED
I remmeber i kind of yelled at the guys and one said take a chil pill or take a perc. I was like nooooo
Im doing well today is day 6 off the sub, getting stronger every day. This time is different that last. I didnt apreaciate how severe or dangerous vicodin is. I dont plan on using again. So help me God. I just had the first dinner in a week with my family talked and laughed for an hour. Boy i needed that, They had no idea thought i had the flu this week
Hoping tonight i find sleep
RED
dear kim - first congrats on your 90 days! that is an awesome accomplishment - you are awesome!
second, below is a copy of post i made in this forum october 1st to another member who related a similar experience you are going through. i'll substitute your name and certainly can understand what you are saying, having been there myself.
hugs and tons of encouragement to you kim.
xoxoxoxo
sammy
~*~*~*~*~
oh gosh - please bear with me, kim as i plagarize myself, because basically i'm lazy and don't feel like typing this all out again - i know, i know - a shortcoming of mine, which i address daily. (hehehe - i'm still lazy cause here i go again.)
in a message posted to someone else on this board a few 24 hours, i have reposted to you. i hope i get the name changed correctly, but then again, sometimes the cheese falls off of my cracker!
good afternoon, kim - my goodness - a novella - didn't mean to get so wordy here but here goes.
it was kind of difficult for me to successfully "shuffle off to buffalo" when i didn't have my tap shoes on!
with that being said, there are a lot of "dances" in life that i find myself involved in. my old solution was to use - to blot myself out because i always found myself in the precarious situation of standing there with two left feet - not sure of myself or what foot to put in the right direction. it wasn't comfortable and good grief, i didn't want to be uncomfortable. more oft than not, the only time i ever opened my mouth was to change feet! didn't leave too good of a taste in my mouth or anyone else's palate for that much!
one of the best lessons i learned early on in recovery came from a book titled "the dance of anger". it is authored by dr. harriet lerner. something dr. lerner points out in this book is a premise that we all learned in the 5th or 6th grade science class. it has to do with one of the laws of science that sir isaac newton discovered - i believe it's the second law of motion. to paraphrase, it goes something like this:
with every change, it is met with a counterchange.
wow! knock my socks off! did this law just apply to things like matter, force, electrons, protons, and fig newtons (that line happens to be from one of my favorite old tv shows <g>) - or could this apply to things as relationships - relationships between family member, friends, and society in general that i found myself in?
one of the first times i got clean, i remember my husband looking at me with a wary eye too. first off - the old goof had it in his mind that all i had to do was stop using and everything would be rosey. you just stop the drug and we will return to a life of oblivion and bliss. NOT.
here i was going to an outpatient group - going to meetings and all of sudden, like a bolt out of the blue, he was saying things like "whaddaya think i am, your babysitter?" or "are you going out with your new party friends again tonight?" or "what's so funny? i haven't seen you laugh so hard since you were high?"
huh?
did i miss something here?
a party? a babysitter for your own children? i'm not suppose to laugh while in a clean state of mind?
golly gee, wally - i was only trying to recover from the deadly disease of addiction but i didn't understand how to handle the situation, kim. (let me wallow in this self-pity and victimhood for a few 24 hours) i found myself standing there with two left feet - tripping and stumbling all over the place and pretty soon, my frustrations built into resentments. while carrying around those resentments i resorted to behavior that was comfortable. i quit going to meetings, quit going to IOP, quit my support system for the recovery from this disease. it was just a short matter of time that i picked up. well i'll show you! how dare you or anyone put me in a state where i was uncomfortable! wheweeee - my resentments took me right out of here.
yet what i didn't understand back then - and it took me quite a few 24 hours to learn this, is that this disease of addiction...this disease does not discriminate. not only does the affect the one who is the user - it affects our family members, our friends, and all those who we come into contact with. our family members, bless their hearts, probably moreso than others. if you check out the big book you will see how profoundly this disease affects our family - there's a entire freakin' chapter devoted to this.
anyhoot - to make a long story short - the science lesson in all of this was that as i was seeking ways to change the things i could about me, through my changes, it subtly nudged those closest to me to see the things within themselves that they needed to change. ouchy! (whaddya mean i need to change something? i am not the addict! he said to me) change/counterchange...(whaddaya mean you are going to another meeting tonight - leave us home here by ourselves? it didn't use to be like this) change/counterchange...(whaddaya mean taking a nap in the middle of the day? this is how you acted when you were using! (i'm not entitled to a rest when my body has been in overdrive?))... change/counterchange...(whaddaya mean you are not going to answer me? you are going to walk away until you give yourself time to respond in a loving way instead of anger? maybe i'll just goad you enough until you feel as uncomfortable about all of this as i do!) change/counterchange...the list goes ad infinitum and ad nauseum, kim. i bet anyone here who has embraced recovery can site you any number of behaviors that we face with our loved ones when embracing change.
i will leave you with something that was said to me by a very wise woman (sponsor) about my resentments and how to handle them. she said:
"sammy, the best way to avenge your resentments is to stay in recovery!"
wow - now how simple is that? there was a time when i found that i had to seek outside help kim. outside of the rooms of the 12 steps. the insight and tools i received while in counseling (family and one on one) were immeasurable help to what i was learning in the rooms. and all of this took some work. like my husband's thoughts, there was a time when i thought - hey - you have put those pills down, everything must get better. it didn't get better until i started to go to the lengths that i needed to and change what i could (myself and my perception of things) that i began to feel my spirit awake. and when i allowed people who were close to me, address their own stuff and change what they could, i was blessed with realizing the spirit awakening, not only in myself but in my loved ones.
these spiritual awakenings didn't come to me like witnessing a burning bush. it took time and whole lot of work. and this happened with my family members too - and the time it took wasn't always pretty. heck - my spirit is still awakening. it's a daily process.
give yourself the gifts of patience and time, kim, and the available resources that are out there to help you in your journey/discovery of your spirit. try some new steps - 12 i might add. *wink, wink* you might find your dance a little easier - a little softer - a little more comfortable as you glide across the floor.
and remember kim - change/counterchange - it's a law of science. it's going to happen whether you want it to or not. additionally, on that same note, remember - if nothing changes, nothing changes.
what a great topic this is! thank you. if anyone hasn't told you they love you today, i do.
and hey - thanks for letting me share.
namaste'
sammy
second, below is a copy of post i made in this forum october 1st to another member who related a similar experience you are going through. i'll substitute your name and certainly can understand what you are saying, having been there myself.
hugs and tons of encouragement to you kim.
xoxoxoxo
sammy
~*~*~*~*~
oh gosh - please bear with me, kim as i plagarize myself, because basically i'm lazy and don't feel like typing this all out again - i know, i know - a shortcoming of mine, which i address daily. (hehehe - i'm still lazy cause here i go again.)
in a message posted to someone else on this board a few 24 hours, i have reposted to you. i hope i get the name changed correctly, but then again, sometimes the cheese falls off of my cracker!
good afternoon, kim - my goodness - a novella - didn't mean to get so wordy here but here goes.
it was kind of difficult for me to successfully "shuffle off to buffalo" when i didn't have my tap shoes on!
with that being said, there are a lot of "dances" in life that i find myself involved in. my old solution was to use - to blot myself out because i always found myself in the precarious situation of standing there with two left feet - not sure of myself or what foot to put in the right direction. it wasn't comfortable and good grief, i didn't want to be uncomfortable. more oft than not, the only time i ever opened my mouth was to change feet! didn't leave too good of a taste in my mouth or anyone else's palate for that much!
one of the best lessons i learned early on in recovery came from a book titled "the dance of anger". it is authored by dr. harriet lerner. something dr. lerner points out in this book is a premise that we all learned in the 5th or 6th grade science class. it has to do with one of the laws of science that sir isaac newton discovered - i believe it's the second law of motion. to paraphrase, it goes something like this:
with every change, it is met with a counterchange.
wow! knock my socks off! did this law just apply to things like matter, force, electrons, protons, and fig newtons (that line happens to be from one of my favorite old tv shows <g>) - or could this apply to things as relationships - relationships between family member, friends, and society in general that i found myself in?
one of the first times i got clean, i remember my husband looking at me with a wary eye too. first off - the old goof had it in his mind that all i had to do was stop using and everything would be rosey. you just stop the drug and we will return to a life of oblivion and bliss. NOT.
here i was going to an outpatient group - going to meetings and all of sudden, like a bolt out of the blue, he was saying things like "whaddaya think i am, your babysitter?" or "are you going out with your new party friends again tonight?" or "what's so funny? i haven't seen you laugh so hard since you were high?"
huh?
did i miss something here?
a party? a babysitter for your own children? i'm not suppose to laugh while in a clean state of mind?
golly gee, wally - i was only trying to recover from the deadly disease of addiction but i didn't understand how to handle the situation, kim. (let me wallow in this self-pity and victimhood for a few 24 hours) i found myself standing there with two left feet - tripping and stumbling all over the place and pretty soon, my frustrations built into resentments. while carrying around those resentments i resorted to behavior that was comfortable. i quit going to meetings, quit going to IOP, quit my support system for the recovery from this disease. it was just a short matter of time that i picked up. well i'll show you! how dare you or anyone put me in a state where i was uncomfortable! wheweeee - my resentments took me right out of here.
yet what i didn't understand back then - and it took me quite a few 24 hours to learn this, is that this disease of addiction...this disease does not discriminate. not only does the affect the one who is the user - it affects our family members, our friends, and all those who we come into contact with. our family members, bless their hearts, probably moreso than others. if you check out the big book you will see how profoundly this disease affects our family - there's a entire freakin' chapter devoted to this.
anyhoot - to make a long story short - the science lesson in all of this was that as i was seeking ways to change the things i could about me, through my changes, it subtly nudged those closest to me to see the things within themselves that they needed to change. ouchy! (whaddya mean i need to change something? i am not the addict! he said to me) change/counterchange...(whaddaya mean you are going to another meeting tonight - leave us home here by ourselves? it didn't use to be like this) change/counterchange...(whaddaya mean taking a nap in the middle of the day? this is how you acted when you were using! (i'm not entitled to a rest when my body has been in overdrive?))... change/counterchange...(whaddaya mean you are not going to answer me? you are going to walk away until you give yourself time to respond in a loving way instead of anger? maybe i'll just goad you enough until you feel as uncomfortable about all of this as i do!) change/counterchange...the list goes ad infinitum and ad nauseum, kim. i bet anyone here who has embraced recovery can site you any number of behaviors that we face with our loved ones when embracing change.
i will leave you with something that was said to me by a very wise woman (sponsor) about my resentments and how to handle them. she said:
"sammy, the best way to avenge your resentments is to stay in recovery!"
wow - now how simple is that? there was a time when i found that i had to seek outside help kim. outside of the rooms of the 12 steps. the insight and tools i received while in counseling (family and one on one) were immeasurable help to what i was learning in the rooms. and all of this took some work. like my husband's thoughts, there was a time when i thought - hey - you have put those pills down, everything must get better. it didn't get better until i started to go to the lengths that i needed to and change what i could (myself and my perception of things) that i began to feel my spirit awake. and when i allowed people who were close to me, address their own stuff and change what they could, i was blessed with realizing the spirit awakening, not only in myself but in my loved ones.
these spiritual awakenings didn't come to me like witnessing a burning bush. it took time and whole lot of work. and this happened with my family members too - and the time it took wasn't always pretty. heck - my spirit is still awakening. it's a daily process.
give yourself the gifts of patience and time, kim, and the available resources that are out there to help you in your journey/discovery of your spirit. try some new steps - 12 i might add. *wink, wink* you might find your dance a little easier - a little softer - a little more comfortable as you glide across the floor.
and remember kim - change/counterchange - it's a law of science. it's going to happen whether you want it to or not. additionally, on that same note, remember - if nothing changes, nothing changes.
what a great topic this is! thank you. if anyone hasn't told you they love you today, i do.
and hey - thanks for letting me share.
namaste'
sammy
Sammy,the tears are flowing,of course ive had quite an emotional day to begin with.I cant thank you enough for that.I will be patient,i will trudge along,i will continue to work on me,and i will pray those i love will follow.God bless~KIM
Kim:
Thanks for the topic. While I was using, I always tried to fly under the radar as to not bringing attention to myself and my behavior. When I got clean and started noticing my surroundings, I knew there were some things that I needed to address. What worked for me was learning how to apply the 12 Steps in all of my affairs. The gifts I have been given from the Program are bountiful. I am confident they will be for you also.
Rachel
Hey Kim I sort of have the same thing here only its more with my girls.When I was usen heavy Id let them do just about anything.Im ashamed to say that but its true.I have found now that I have finally pulled it together that Im more?????involved in what my girls are doing.This is hard for me to write because Ill always have that guilt of not being the mom they needed for along time.I really dislike the fact that Id just let them do whatever.so I can understand what your saying.It may be that when you were high it was so easy just to let stuff slide oppose to killing your high ya know.I dont think there is anything wrong with that.It shows how much you have changed.Now from what Im getting from your post it sounds like your feeling like maybe your marrage was just all pretend because you werent really you???Is that what your feeling???mj
Kim I wanted to add that you DESERVE to be respected that is so important.You need to belive that & it sounds like you do...
Kim I wanted to add that you DESERVE to be respected that is so important.You need to belive that & it sounds like you do...
Thanks Rachael and MJ for replying and making me feel less alone.
MJ..no..not really.I have only used for the past 2 and half years.We've been married 23 years,so i dont really feel like its all been pretend,becasue for the most part i have been me(referrring to not being high anyway)i guess what im feeling is,i feel like these past 2 years while i was using he kind of enjoyed the fact i was so passive.It made life easy for him,and believe me,he loves easy,he hates commotion,he hates change,he hates any type of disruption to his well planned little world.And now that im clean,im changing and hes having a hard time with it.I dont totally lay all the blame on him,my emotions ARE out of whack,i AM very sensitive right now,and hes just frustarted with the whole ordeal,so the chill pill comment was his way of saying"i hate this disruption in our lives"i dont know,maybe im not explaingin it well,maybe i dont really understand it fully,what an understatement,lol,i totally dont understand it.What i do undrestand though,is i am going to do what needs to be done,and hopefully he will eventually see how good this is for me and in turn/for him?Hope i made some sense of my rambling?~KIM
MJ..no..not really.I have only used for the past 2 and half years.We've been married 23 years,so i dont really feel like its all been pretend,becasue for the most part i have been me(referrring to not being high anyway)i guess what im feeling is,i feel like these past 2 years while i was using he kind of enjoyed the fact i was so passive.It made life easy for him,and believe me,he loves easy,he hates commotion,he hates change,he hates any type of disruption to his well planned little world.And now that im clean,im changing and hes having a hard time with it.I dont totally lay all the blame on him,my emotions ARE out of whack,i AM very sensitive right now,and hes just frustarted with the whole ordeal,so the chill pill comment was his way of saying"i hate this disruption in our lives"i dont know,maybe im not explaingin it well,maybe i dont really understand it fully,what an understatement,lol,i totally dont understand it.What i do undrestand though,is i am going to do what needs to be done,and hopefully he will eventually see how good this is for me and in turn/for him?Hope i made some sense of my rambling?~KIM
kim I like when you ramble it helps me understand better.As far as what your saying I can understand.Youve gone from being passive & compliant to this woman who has wacky emotions & is seeing things with clear eyes for the first time in 2 years.Im sure this whole thing has effected your husband.What are the chances of trying to talk it out?Or are things too strained right now?I think you going to a womens group will help you alot to understand your wonky emotions.I really feel that women have alot of different problems we have along with being addicts.Im not saying we feel it harder than men when we get sober but our issuesre different...mj
MJ,your so sweet and caring! Yes,we WILL talk,hes tried a few times today,but im still very pissed at his comment.I may be irrational from time to time lately but he KNOWS what im going through,he wsa so loving and understanding when i went to detox the first time.I think the fact i relapsed causes him to doubt me somewhat.But the things he said were uncalled for.We will talk tomorrow,i will explain how that hurt when im trying so hard.He will opolgize and explain how he was feeling,and all will be great til the NEXT episode.Hopefully the time will come when there is very few EPISODES but for now,it is tough on us both.I so agree i think the womens group is going to be a great outlet for me,maybe then i wont be so "on edge" i guess i could call it.How are things going with you? I understand so much about your guilt over your girls.But you know what,what matters now is you are there for them.I imagine it IS hard for them to have their mother back fussing over them,questioning them about everything becasue you love them so.But in the end,they will be thankful that you cared,right now it might not seem like it,espeically in the teen years,FREEDOM to do as you please is what ALL teenagers want.Stand your ground,and continue to show your love,and that guilt will slowly melt away,i think your a very proud mother!~KIM
Kim, OMG This post could have come from me. I have a whole lot of the same issues. I'm actually thinking of copying Sammy's post ( with her permission of course ) and emailing it to my husband so he can see what I"m talking about. I try to get these very ideas across to him but I get to frustrated and nothing comes out right... I think they just have to adjust to the new us. I hope so anyway... hey my sister, good job being clean.. The rest will work itself out somehow. Our job right now is to stay clean and take care of us!!
Your Sister in Recovery
Kelly
Your Sister in Recovery
Kelly
Kelly,youre so right! Take care of ourselves and hopefully the rest will follow! Take care~KIM
Kim, I have been with my husband for eleven years, married ten and months ago when I got clean, all Hell broke loose around here. He did the same thing as you described in your post about your husband. My husband has never heard me raise my voice in all of these years, but let me tell you, when I got clean and I didn't follow in his path, I screamed like a witch and voiced all of my opinions and trust me, it wasn't pleasant, but I got some attention and respect. We have sat around too long and been followers or been led and now it is time for you to lead, not follow. Stick up for what you believe in and don't hold in the anger. Holding in your true feelings and word will create resentments. Let er rip, tator chip. You'll feel much better afterwards and I bet you will be respected for speaking or screaming your peace..........love ya..
